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NewChristian1 -> Lack of love issue (5/22/2008 2:44:44 PM)
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Where do I start? Let me condense 24 years into one paragraph or smaller. Basically, my mother was a severe alcoholic and prescription drug addict, and I barely saw her sober. In fact, her being high I saw as normal. I could not tell the difference between my mother's composure and other women's composures. I grew up with her being high. It wasn't until I was in my teenage years I began to question to myself why she acted the way she did. I denied it and the though frequently came and went away. When I became an adult I despised my mother (you'll see why later) and I once again entertained the thought that she was not in her normal state of mind. It was not until she died of cancer three years ago that it was confirmed by aunts and my father that she was severely addicted to (collectively, "mental stimulants").
The reason why I despised my mother was because I could likely count eight times in my life that I heard her say she loves me. It may take a while, but I could probably hit eight times. In fact, there were many times as a teenager I went to see her in her bedroom where she spend most of her time. She would be sitting the side of the bed just staring into space. I would slowly approach her not knowing what she was going to say or do (sometimes she would ask "What do you want?" or just get up and walk away, or something else) and I would sit beside her and put my arm around her and say, "Mom, I love you." Ten seconds, twenty, thirty, forty, fifty, sixty seconds, no reply. I would say it again, longing to hear the words. "Mom, I just wanted you to know that I love you." Once again, no reply. I would walk out, down the steps, and plop myself on the sofa and watch TV.
My father cannot be blamed for allowing this to happen for reasons I cannot say here. He was the best father & mother he could have been. I say that proudly.
Now days, I cannot seem to feel loved or cared about. I am seeking solutions. I know God can (and has at times) change that, but I still long for the feeling daily... When someone tells me they love me I don't believe them. I still need the in the flesh, genuine, "I love you" from someone female.
I am looking for others that have went through similar situation and have healed from it to talk to.
Replies are always welcome.
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