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RE: When he's a friend, but you want more - 5/26/2008 4:31:15 PM
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clownfish
Posts: 19
Joined: 6/12/2005
From: Louisiana USA
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: mutinywxgirl
Actually, I do think it is true - in spite of our respective lessons learned in this respect. Unless the man is utterly heartless, they have to find *something* about us that makes them want to be around us as much as they do to make us believe what we did - that old adage - actions speak louder than words??? But, we obviously weren't what they were looking for romantically. That's what makes it so hard. That's why men have to be SO careful when they spend a lot of time with a woman - you're dealing with our hearts guys - and if you are NOT interested in anything more, then don't spend countless hours on the phone or in person with us - it does us NO good.
It works both ways. I've gone out with a woman over a long period of time, and I was definitely interested in her. In fact, we had discussed that previously, but she did not return my interest; However she told me that she was open to a change of heart. She told me that if she ever changed her mind, that I should let her bring up the topic in the future.
Of course, I continued to ask her out to dinners, movies, plays, etc in hopes that her heart would change. She did accept a lot of them. By accepting all these offers, it was more and more encouraging to me, and I think we did grow closer. So one evening we had a really nice dinner and a fun time together, and I was almost positive she had changed her heart toward me. I was on cloud 9 and waiting for her to bring up the subject again was we could finally be "official". Less than a month later, she told me that she regretted accepting that dinner and broke my heart more than anyone else had done so previously. Our special friendship started to dissolve very quickly as she began to avoid me in almost every circumstance after that.
I'll still do one-on-one evenings with women because, honestly, I'm a "quality time" person and I need the companionship. Still, I'll keep an emotional boundary during those times where I'm not wanting anything romantic from the woman I'm with that evening.
I don't even know what the moral of the story is. Just be careful out there.
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RE: When he's a friend, but you want more - 5/26/2008 11:36:40 PM
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spade
Posts: 40
Joined: 12/8/2007
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Prairiehiker
It all depends on where you meet people and how much you really know them. If you see people daily at work, or at the gym, and you talk everyday about your interest, then it's so much easier to invite them out to take the friendship outside of your comfort zone.
While I'm not shy, I'm definitely an introvert. I know people well from both work and church, but by the time I spent all day around people, I don't want to be around them in the evening. It's kind of hard to invite someone to read a book with me. 
Truth is, I don't go many places or do many things. Perhaps I should make more of an effort...
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RE: When he's a friend, but you want more - 5/27/2008 12:02:32 AM
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spade
Posts: 40
Joined: 12/8/2007
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Single4Life
Spade, if you are interested in a guy, I would say to be sure to return his e-mails or phone calls...fo sho!! Like I said in another post, I wouldn't feel comfortable with the idea of a woman initiating a relationship, but she can respond to his contact...at the very least. If you don't, you don't seem interested in even a friendship!
You can always do a little something special for him. At different times in life, I was "pursuing" women, even though I wasn't sure about their interest in me. They made their feelings clear when they personally dropped off special gifts at my apartment/job. The gifts were nothing over the top, but something they knew was meaningful to me at that time.
Just some ideas. Be responsive and be attentive, but let him be the man and pursue you. It's helpful when a woman does give some encouragement when you "pursue" her. It lets you know where she is coming alongside of you.
Now who said anything about me being interested in a guy? 
I've been friends with him for about 5 years. We knew each other before that, but I got to know him after the college pastor at our church resigned. My friend, me, and a couple others kept the group growing. Back then, some people thought we should date, but I thought it was ridiculous, and it honestly frustrated me that some people tried to make an "item" out of us just because we were friends. But we weren't very close then, as I found him abrasive, overly opinionated, and even arrogant.
I moved away for a couple years but kept in touch. I've been back for two years now, and we've gotten to be close friends. The college group has been through two more pastors in the last two years, and my friend has been the stable influence keeping things together. He's currently the ministry's leader, and because of my history and faithfulness with the group, he's often shared confidential things about the church and ministry with me, particularly his concerns and struggles with it. Through that, I've come to see his servant's heart, and I now respect him immensely.
Previously, I rejected the notion of a relationship with him because I didn't think our "calls" were complementary. Now that we're both a couple years into our ministries\careers, however, it seems like a possible match in that regard.
The thing is, I can't figure out his intentions for our friendship\relationship. He does some things that make me think he's interested - seeking out my company, inviting me out with his friends, pulling me into his personal space to speak privately, moving from his usual church seat to sit closer to me, cracking inside jokes. Yet all of that could just be two friends sharing and working together.
I just don't know what to make of it any more, and I'm tired of the questions and comments from others. I'll probably just have to ask him at some point, but I wish there was another way.
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RE: When he's a friend, but you want more - 5/27/2008 5:06:06 AM
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Single4Life
Posts: 79
Joined: 4/24/2008
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: spade
The thing is, I can't figure out his intentions for our friendship\relationship. He does some things that make me think he's interested - seeking out my company, inviting me out with his friends, pulling me into his personal space to speak privately, moving from his usual church seat to sit closer to me, cracking inside jokes. Yet all of that could just be two friends sharing and working together.
It doesn't sound like any of that would be above the realm of being "just friends" to me. He could be trying to subtly communicate some interest, but is hesitant to risk the friendship.
Try to do some special things for him...some kind of gifts or whatever fits his "love language"  and see how he responds. If he is interested but still doesn't man up and ask you out, then you may want to reconsider why you are drawn to him.
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RE: When he's a friend, but you want more - 5/27/2008 7:19:54 PM
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Prairiehiker
Posts: 1422
Joined: 12/11/2007
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: spade
The thing is, I can't figure out his intentions for our friendship\relationship. He does some things that make me think he's interested - seeking out my company, inviting me out with his friends, pulling me into his personal space to speak privately, moving from his usual church seat to sit closer to me, cracking inside jokes. Yet all of that could just be two friends sharing and working together.
If a female friend did all those things you mentioned above, would you think that she's a lesbian and wanted a relationship with you? Probably not. You won't think twice about her actions. It could be that you're putting too much thought in what he does, when in fact, he could be acting like how a friend acts with another friend. See, I'm like this with all my friends, male or female. If a guy is interested in me, he probably would read much more into my actions than there really is.
If I were you, I'd definitely do something to let him know I'm interested in being more. Maybe spend some one on one time with him. Ask leading questions. Anything to bring the conversation to the possibilities of you two being a couple. I mean, you're torturing yourself trying to figure it out when all you have to do is be honest, and be real with him.
Of course, there's a risk involve. You could "lose" your friendship if he's not interested. I'd look at it as needing some space from each other so that you both can breath. If he's interested, then that would be so awesome!
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RE: When he's a friend, but you want more - 5/27/2008 10:55:39 PM
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FunBetty
Posts: 6083
Joined: 4/11/2005
From: Dr Pepper Country
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Prairiehiker
quote:
ORIGINAL: spade
The thing is, I can't figure out his intentions for our friendship\relationship. He does some things that make me think he's interested - seeking out my company, inviting me out with his friends, pulling me into his personal space to speak privately, moving from his usual church seat to sit closer to me, cracking inside jokes. Yet all of that could just be two friends sharing and working together.
If a female friend did all those things you mentioned above, would you think that she's a lesbian and wanted a relationship with you? Probably not. You won't think twice about her actions. It could be that you're putting too much thought in what he does, when in fact, he could be acting like how a friend acts with another friend. See, I'm like this with all my friends, male or female. If a guy is interested in me, he probably would read much more into my actions than there really is.
If I were you, I'd definitely do something to let him know I'm interested in being more. Maybe spend some one on one time with him. Ask leading questions. Anything to bring the conversation to the possibilities of you two being a couple. I mean, you're torturing yourself trying to figure it out when all you have to do is be honest, and be real with him.
Of course, there's a risk involve. You could "lose" your friendship if he's not interested. I'd look at it as needing some space from each other so that you both can breath. If he's interested, then that would be so awesome!
I second that. Been there done that bought the tshirt. Sometimes you just have to come out there and just say it and see what happens.
_____________________________
Fun Betty's Cookie Shoppe and Pumpkin Patch
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RE: When he's a friend, but you want more - 5/29/2008 8:51:00 PM
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spade
Posts: 40
Joined: 12/8/2007
Status: offline
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quote:
It doesn't sound like any of that would be above the realm of being "just friends" to me.
quote:
It could be that you're putting too much thought in what he does, when in fact, he could be acting like how a friend acts with another friend.
And that's why I haven't done or said anything. I'm the type of person that easily sees both sides of an argument - everything is shades of gray, never black and white. I can look at his actions and see how they could indicate his interest, and I can look at his actions and know they could just be friendly, particularly considering the things he does that seem like he's not interested in more.
quote:
Sometimes you just have to come out there and just say it and see what happens.
I know that the only way to know is to ask. And I knew people would say that, too. Which is why I asked for "abstract" answers before telling my story.
quote:
Try to do some special things for him...some kind of gifts or whatever fits his "love language" and see how he responds.
Let's see... from the "love languages" series he taught, I know his top two are touch and quality time. I'm not a physically affectionate person, and given the instruction of 1 Cor 7:1, it's not like touching is an appropriate means of expressing interest at this point.
Quality time relates to Prairiehiker's suggestion to spend some one-on-one time with him. We've spent time by ourselves in the past, but it's been a while. Any more, he seems noticeably reluctant to be alone with me. For instance, he's always inviting me to go out to dinner with his friends after service. I'm usually the only girl. We frequently end up in extended conversations, sometimes to the point where we're excluding others. Yet, when the last of them leave, he suddenly needs to go - week after week after week. It's obvious.
It's stuff like that that makes me think he isn't interested. And if he isn't interested, I would rather not have the awkward period that would follow me expressing interest and being denied, kwim? So I keep trying to figure it out, torturous or not.
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RE: When he's a friend, but you want more - 6/1/2008 7:22:57 AM
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mutinywxgirl
Posts: 13131
Joined: 4/29/2005
From: west coast of FL
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: ebony101
I sort of know exactly how you feel spade. Once I was in a similar situation myself. And the trying to figure out is absolutely unbearable. At times like these I just console myslef with the fact that the man is the one who's supposed to make the initial move (a belief that I did not always subscribe to). If he doesn't then I will assume that friendship is where it'll stay until God prompts him to make that move.
Now, it's not as though I'm hanging around waiting for him to make that move. If another guy expresses interest while he hasn't - of course I'll turn my attention on him.
What I'm trying to say is that I trust that if the friendship is meant to be more, then God will assuredly move it onto that level at the right time. If it doesn't move then it's not meant to be. That;s just MHO.
I'm in the same situation where I am waiting for God to prompt him to move. And if He doesn't, then that's okay too, because it just means that someone even better is out there for me. And how could I NOT want that?????
_____________________________
When blood and water hit the ground.
Walls we couldn't move came crashing down.
We were free and made alive.
The day true love died. The day true love died.
Lisa is happy THE ROWDIES ARE BACK!
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RE: When he's a friend, but you want more - 6/2/2008 7:24:23 PM
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Single4Life
Posts: 79
Joined: 4/24/2008
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: spade
Let's see... from the "love languages" series he taught, I know his top two are touch and quality time. I'm not a physically affectionate person, and given the instruction of 1 Cor 7:1, it's not like touching is an appropriate means of expressing interest at this point.
I believe there are appropriate forms of physical touch that could make him aware of an interest...touch his arm when he says something profound, give him a hug goodbye (don't force it, though), etc...
I don't believe the "love language" of physical touch means you're going to be horny.
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RE: When he's a friend, but you want more - 6/2/2008 11:49:23 PM
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spade
Posts: 40
Joined: 12/8/2007
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Single4Life
quote:
ORIGINAL: spade
Let's see... from the "love languages" series he taught, I know his top two are touch and quality time. I'm not a physically affectionate person, and given the instruction of 1 Cor 7:1, it's not like touching is an appropriate means of expressing interest at this point.
I believe there are appropriate forms of physical touch that could make him aware of an interest...touch his arm when he says something profound, give him a hug goodbye (don't force it, though), etc...
I don't believe the "love language" of physical touch means you're going to be horny.
Ha!
I agree with you that there are approrpiate ways to touch, of course. I tend to stay away from it because, like I said, I'm not physically affectionate. I rarely hug my mom. But in a way, touch means a lot to me, and it's not something I do casually. It tends to be something I reserve for people who I know really well, who I'm really comfortable with - and I tend to touch in response, not first.
Anyways, you are right - it would certainly signal interest at this point, for better or worse.
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RE: When he's a friend, but you want more - 6/14/2008 9:31:15 PM
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RosieCotton
Posts: 1063
Joined: 4/11/2005
From: The East and West Coast!
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: mutinywxgirl
I'm in the same situation where I am waiting for God to prompt him to move. And if He doesn't, then that's okay too, because it just means that someone even better is out there for me. And how could I NOT want that?????
What a thing to meditate on.......sometimes i am so lonely that it seems like settling is better then best!!!!!
Thank you!
_____________________________
How far you go in life depends on your being tender with the young, compassionate with the aged, sympathetic with the striving and tolerant of the weak and strong. Because someday in life you will have been all of these.
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RE: When he's a friend, but you want more - 7/2/2008 4:59:47 PM
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USA-Girl
Posts: 10
Joined: 6/3/2008
Status: offline
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quote:
I believe there are appropriate forms of physical touch that could make him aware of an interest...touch his arm when he says something profound, give him a hug goodbye (don't force it, though), etc...
Do you think touch is really appropriate unless you are married? Example (Hugging)
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