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Had a blowing up with my mom - 6/9/2008 5:43:25 PM
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Mrs.X
Posts: 2323
Joined: 7/7/2005
From: Newberg, OR
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Sorry about this being so long but I need to give background info for ya'll to understand my situation.
I was raised by a single mom. When I was really little my mom told me my dad was in Japan working and that's why he wasn't around. As I got older (9-10) my mom said he had a drinking problem and she wanted to protect me from that, so that's why he wasn't around. That is what I believed until yesterday. It was an answer that satisfied me and didn't bother me. My dad sobered up when I was 11, and I began seeing him. The courts were not involved at alll because my mom and dad agreed on custody, visitation and child support. My mom never went after him for back child support ($325 per month for 11 years).
I'm 24 now, and I get along fine with each parent. My mom and dad began getting along fine when I became an adult and made my own choices. In fact, every year my dad books his timeshare for my family, my mom and himself to go stay together for a week. We always have a nice time.
My mom has always been poor and really bad with money. She had a job, but she suddenly quit. She said she got tired of it and wanted to make more money. I'm not sure if I believe that. Around the same time, she discovered she had $600 from an old 401k that she forgot about amd sent paperwork in for that. She was also expecting to get a tax return from the Fed (but she hadn't filed yet and later discovered that she actually owed). She was also expecting the rebate check from Uncle Sam earlier. I have a feeling that she thought all this money was coming sooner so she quit, hoping to live off ofit and then eventually find a job. Well none of that panned out yet.
So, Memorial week while at my dad's timeshare, she asked him to loan her some money. He said he'd let her know when he got back home and looked at his finances. Well, it turns out he can't afford it right now, but may be able to in October. My mom became very angry that he didn't even offer to loan her a couple hjundred until then. (he doesn't know she's angry because this was all communicated through me, and I sure wasn't gonna tell him she was mad about it.)
My mom called me yesterday and told me she was thinking about going after him for all the back child support he owed because she was angry the he wouldn't loan her any money. I was kinda shocked. She said she'd split the money with me each month. I told her she can do what she wants, but I don't want any part of it, and I certainly don't want any "revenge money". I told her I don't feel she is entitled to it now that I'm an adult. I said she should have went after him when I was born. I had a very upset tone when I was telling her all this. She came back with "Your dad didn't think you were his when you were a baby, and he didn't want to have anything to do with you." She also said that when I was 11 that she was about to start going after him for back child support, and then he heard about it (through my auint Julie who he hung out with at the bar) so then he contacted my mom to start seeing me and start paying support out of fear of the state going after him for back child support.
That totally blew me away since I never heard that and was always under the impression that he wanted me but my mom was protecting me because he was a drunk. And, we were just waiting for him to sober up. I don't know if all that was true or not, or if she was trying to get me on her side, which they both have done that to me before when I was teenager.
My question is I dunno if I should ask my dad about all of this and risk ruining my parent's freinship with eachother. Or, maybe I should talk to my aunt Julie who probably knows the story, but she doesn't gt along with my mom. She may give me a biased answer Or, maybe I should ask my great aunt who knows the story, but she is a gossip. The whole family will eventually find out about this if I ask my great aunt.
I just don't know what to do...I have so many mixed emotions right now.
Thank you in advance for your prayers, support and advice.
_____________________________
-Stina
MySpace
From Sweet Grass to the Packin' House (music player is at the bottom if you want to turn it off)
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RE: Had a blowing up with my mom - 6/9/2008 6:07:35 PM
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manda59
Posts: 5451
Joined: 9/22/2005
From: Hampshire, UK
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((( Christina )))
I imagine you feel like the rug has totally been pulled out from under you. Your mum is behaving in a way that you're not used to, spoiling both your image of her, and your image of your dad. It must feel like your whole world's been rocked.
My suggestion would be to not involve anyone else, but to either speak to your dad directly about it, or to just keep out of it altogether, and make it clear to your mum that you don't want to be involved or even hear about any more of this.
_____________________________
"That's what I would say as well."
Mrs Wifey, August 2008.
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RE: Had a blowing up with my mom - 6/9/2008 6:07:50 PM
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mayfly
Posts: 74
Joined: 5/26/2008
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I'm so sorry to hear about your situation. *hugs*
My parents divorced when I was very young and it was not a pleasant, amicable divorce. Until I was 17 they constantly tried to fight through me ("tell your mother she's a lazy (swear word)", "yeah well tell your dad he's a terrible parent", etc) and it was NOT fun for anyone involved. It was very difficult for me, and I learned one very important thing from it: bottom line is, it isn't my problem. They both had their faults, but it was not my job to pass anything along or refrain from passing anything along. It has nothing to do with you, and it is childish of your mother to want to get you involved. I would not pass along ANY messages between your parents. They're grownups, if they have something to say they can pick up the phone or write a letter or email. It is NOT your job to pass messages between them for any reason, and it is NOT your responsibility to get involved for any reason. Nor do you have any responsibility to keep things quiet because you were told to or because you feel obligated to protect their friendship or anything like that. Personally, I think that if you really care about this you should ask your dad about it.
I'll be praying for you and your family. 
_____________________________
I wait for the Lord, my soul waits, and in His word I put my hope.
Psalm 130:5
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RE: Had a blowing up with my mom - 6/9/2008 6:10:44 PM
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manda59
Posts: 5451
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From: Hampshire, UK
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As an afterthought, Christina, I was thinking too that if you do decide to talk to your dad about it, it might be a good idea not to mention what your mum has said, but simply ask him why you didn't see him till you were 11, and to try and avoid bringing your mum into it at all if you possibly can.
_____________________________
"That's what I would say as well."
Mrs Wifey, August 2008.
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RE: Had a blowing up with my mom - 6/9/2008 6:10:54 PM
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HisCovenant
Posts: 4635
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I'd let the whole thing go. What good will it do if you find out that your dad didn't want you when you were a baby? He obviously want a relationship now. Just base your relationship with them on your experience and your Christian character and let them base their relationship on the same things without you in the middle.
_____________________________
-HisCovenant/ Zipporah
My friends call me Zippy!
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RE: Had a blowing up with my mom - 6/9/2008 6:31:45 PM
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ChoirDJ
Posts: 464
Joined: 6/15/2006
From: So Cal
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Sounds like your mother's true colors are starting to show about right now. She's shown you what she is capable of doing when she doesn't get her way and you would be wise to take anything she says with a grain of salt from this point forward.
The important thing is that you base your impression of your dad on what you have experienced rather than all the he said, she saids of the past. You'll probably never know the full story and I've seen so many situations were one parent uses the child to get revenge on the other parent or lies to the child about the other parent. It sounds like you and your dad have a positive relationship with each other now and I wouldn't let anyone (especially your mother) interfere with that. Your mother is entitled to feel however she feels about your father but she is not entitled to make that decision for you.
_____________________________
"Sin will take you further than you intended to go, keep you there longer than you intended to stay, and cost you more than you intended to spend." Got it?
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RE: Had a blowing up with my mom - 6/9/2008 6:37:57 PM
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pbaribeault
Posts: 1115
Joined: 4/29/2005
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You are very much in the middle of a bunch of business that has nothing to do with you.
This is common in families that have suffered divorce, and it's not your fault, but it's probably time to take a step back, along the same lines as when you said, "she can do what she wants, but I don't want any part of it"
Not only do you not want any part of it, but you don't want to hear about it, don't have any opinon and refuse to say anything that would encourage your mom to seek your approval.
It's true that she lived for a decade spending all her income (when she lacked child support) when she could have been saving, and if she had been saving, she might have a nest egg now. So it's fair and legal for her to try to recoup those losses at any time, for any (immature, vindictive) reason, if she's willing to put in the effort. It has nothing to do with you... child support money is for the custodial parent to use to provide for the child... if she used her own money to do that, then any money he might pay back now is hers, not yours (as you correctly assessed). Nothing to do with you.
You also need to remember that your mom's (poor) money skills and the (probably negative) consiqunces of her choices have nothing to do with you either. Her problems are not your problems. You can be sympathetic without becoming involved. So, stop thinkning about what she does or does not have money for. Stop thinking about when and why she might have quit, and which money might be coming to her from where, and when. Just mind your own money well, in light of her example, and that's the end of it. The rest has nothing to do with you.
Do NOT pass messages. Do NOT speak to one parent about the other. Do NOT listen to one parent about the other. Do NOT rescue your parents from the consiqunces of their own choices.
If, for your own peace of mind, you would like to know your father's initial feelings about infant-you, ask him directly -- as a natural curiosity common to children who grew up missing a parent. It has nothing to do with the fact that your mom's (thoughtless, nasty, toxic) comment touched off this insecurity in you.
Be prepared for a real answer. Men (especially those with addictions) often don't have strong feelings about infants that pop up unexpectedly in their carefree lives. That has nothing to do with how he feels about you now that he knows and has a relationship with you.
Also remember that protecting you from the disdain and disregard of your alcoholic father while you were young might not be the same as what your mom lead you to belive that she was protecting you from -- but it was 'protecting you' in a sense.
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RE: Had a blowing up with my mom - 6/9/2008 6:46:53 PM
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nicole6598
Posts: 4030
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From: Australia
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I agree with Manda and Pam, I would ask your dad directlly if you feel you HAVE to know about it. Maybe between him and your mum you can get some truth to what happened.
((CHRISTINA)))
_____________________________
Proud Aussie, Wife, Mother, Woman!
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RE: Had a blowing up with my mom - 6/9/2008 9:23:33 PM
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Kat_D
Posts: 3225
Joined: 9/2/2005
From: Where We Shake, Rattle & Roll!
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I'm going to come at this from a different angle because I can see why your Mom got angry when she asked your Dad for money. From her point of view, she is the one who had to sacrifice and work to raise you with no help from him all those years and she kindly dismissed his debt of what amounts to about $42,900 if I figure correctly. Yet when she asked him for help, which is miniscule to the debt he owed her, he declined. I think I'd be miffed about that too!
Now to the part about why he didn't come around. I agree with Zipporah...let it go. It won't change a thing and may be hurtful to you, Christina. Just enjoy the relationship you have with him now.
I'm so sorry you were put in the middle of all this...that wasn't right of your mother to do. Her beef is with your Dad and she should have spoken to him and not involved you.
Blessings and hugs to you!
_____________________________
~Kat
"...And God will wipe away every tear from their eyes...no more death, sorrow, nor crying."
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RE: Had a blowing up with my mom - 6/9/2008 11:42:48 PM
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Mrs.X
Posts: 2323
Joined: 7/7/2005
From: Newberg, OR
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quote:
ORIGINAL: manda59
((( Christina )))
I imagine you feel like the rug has totally been pulled out from under you. Your mum is behaving in a way that you're not used to, spoiling both your image of her, and your image of your dad. It must feel like your whole world's been rocked.
Thanks Manda. That is EXACTLY how I feel. I still can't really indentify the actual feelings I have about the whole thing except that the rug has been pulled out from under me. I knew my mom has always been like this (vengeful) but she has tried to be a perfect mother to me my whole life. She loves me more than anyone I know on earth that loves someone. There has never been a harsh word between us even in my teen years. So, for me to just stand up like I did and get that upset tone, I just really shocked myself. I never had to talk to her like that before.
quote:
ORIGINAL: mayfly
They're grownups, if they have something to say they can pick up the phone or write a letter or email. It is NOT your job to pass messages between them for any reason, and it is NOT your responsibility to get involved for any reason.
You're absolutely right. I'm not sure why I felt obligated to do so. I guess because my mom's phone is turned off right now and my dad had no way of telling her that he couldn't loan her money. Thanks for sharing your story. I couldn't imagine having to deal with a divorce. My parents were never together since before I was born, so that's all I knew.
quote:
ORIGINAL: HisCovenant
I'd let the whole thing go. What good will it do if you find out that your dad didn't want you when you were a baby? He obviously want a relationship now. Just base your relationship with them on your experience and your Christian character and let them base their relationship on the same things without you in the middle.
quote:
ORIGINAL: ChoirDJ
The important thing is that you base your impression of your dad on what you have experienced rather than all the he said, she saids of the past. You'll probably never know the full story and I've seen so many situations were one parent uses the child to get revenge on the other parent or lies to the child about the other parent. It sounds like you and your dad have a positive relationship with each other now and I wouldn't let anyone (especially your mother) interfere with that. Your mother is entitled to feel however she feels about your father but she is not entitled to make that decision for you.
You're right Zippy anf ChoirDJ. I don't think I will persue the truth. It doesn't change what he has been to me since I was 11.
I'm just going in order of the responses, and I wanted to get this out there. Pam, Nicole & Kat, I'll respond to yours when I get my little one to bed in a few.
_____________________________
-Stina
MySpace
From Sweet Grass to the Packin' House (music player is at the bottom if you want to turn it off)
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RE: Had a blowing up with my mom - 6/10/2008 12:02:33 AM
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Jenny-Fair
Posts: 6628
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From: WA
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What your mother said probably isn't even true. And you are an adult and your dad still has a good relationship with you, right? So even if it WERE true and he began your relationship for the wrong reason, would it matter to you now?
I've been in a very similar situation and let my mother's lies keep me from my dad for nearly a decade. Don't do that. Your mom is angry and selfish and she is trying to hurt your dad and she is using you to do it. I would set some serious boundaries--you don't talk to me about dad, about dad's money, etc.
It is, sadly, a case in point--men need to pay through the state. I have known too many whose nasty ex-whatevers lied to get the money twice.
_____________________________
Tony: Ziva, did you kill Houdini?
Ziva: It is possible. I do not remember all their names.
My Blog
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RE: Had a blowing up with my mom - 6/10/2008 9:51:44 AM
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rainbowtvp
Posts: 1024
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From: The Unted State of Confusion
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I would say... try to understand the perspective of each, but just for the sake of being compassionate toward them... and then let it go.
Anything your mom, dad, relatives, etc. tell you is going to be biased, as you said. What is the "truth"? What your mom said very probably is her version of the truth (what she believed at the time and believes now), but that may not have anything to do with what your dad was thinking... If you asked him, he might say your mom didn't want him around, but that when he heard that she might be seeking child support, it prompted him to stop allowing her to get in the way. But regardless- it does not matter NOW.
I would just do whatever you can to stay out of their realtionship/issues.
Tara P
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RE: Had a blowing up with my mom - 6/10/2008 12:11:39 PM
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Mrs.X
Posts: 2323
Joined: 7/7/2005
From: Newberg, OR
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quote:
ORIGINAL: pbaribeault
It's true that she lived for a decade spending all her income (when she lacked child support) when she could have been saving, and if she had been saving, she might have a nest egg now. So it's fair and legal for her to try to recoup those losses at any time, for any (immature, vindictive) reason, if she's willing to put in the effort. It has nothing to do with you... child support money is for the custodial parent to use to provide for the child... if she used her own money to do that, then any money he might pay back now is hers, not yours (as you correctly assessed). Nothing to do with you.
You also need to remember that your mom's (poor) money skills and the (probably negative) consiqunces of her choices have nothing to do with you either. Her problems are not your problems. You can be sympathetic without becoming involved. So, stop thinkning about what she does or does not have money for. Stop thinking about when and why she might have quit, and which money might be coming to her from where, and when. Just mind your own money well, in light of her example, and that's the end of it. The rest has nothing to do with you.
Honestly, if she had been getting child support all that time, she still wouldn't have a nest egg right now. It would have gotten spent. She doesn't save money even when she has it. So, even if it may be legal for her to get it back, it would be far from fair.
I guess me & hubby and my mom have never been private about finances...probably because there is none to be private about. Her poor choices will have something to do with me when she gets evicted and has to come live with us. There is NO ONE else to take her, and I won't let her live in a homeless shelter. It's not fair to me that is still bad with money to this day, because ultimately it will affect me. She is 50 and doesn't have a PENNY to her name. What is going to happen when she is too old to work. I guess my husband will have to support her. I feel angry that she doesn't think about these things.
Sorry, if it sounds like I'm yelling at you. I'm not, Pam. I just feel angry with my mom and kind of venting out loud in response to the things brought up in your post.
quote:
ORIGINAL: nicole6598
I agree with Manda and Pam, I would ask your dad directlly if you feel you HAVE to know about it. Maybe between him and your mum you can get some truth to what happened.
((CHRISTINA)))
I don't think I will even ask him. If the topic ever comes up again I might. But, I'm not sure if I really do want to know.
quote:
ORIGINAL: KatD
I'm going to come at this from a different angle because I can see why your Mom got angry when she asked your Dad for money. From her point of view, she is the one who had to sacrifice and work to raise you with no help from him all those years and she kindly dismissed his debt of what amounts to about $42,900 if I figure correctly. Yet when she asked him for help, which is miniscule to the debt he owed her, he declined. I think I'd be miffed about that too!
I can see that too, but he can't afford to loan her money. If someone can't afford to loan me money, then that's that. You can't change numbers or make money come out of nowhere. KWIM?
quote:
ORIGINAL: Jenny-Fair
What your mother said probably isn't even true. And you are an adult and your dad still has a good relationship with you, right? So even if it WERE true and he began your relationship for the wrong reason, would it matter to you now?
I don't really think it was true either. And, we do have a great relationship now that I don't live with him anymore.
quote:
ORIGINAL: 3cappuccinosmom
{{{Christina}}}
No advice, but I'm sorry you are finding yourself in the middle of this. 
Thanks Maggie. Yeah, things were really starting to get good with my parents. They actually began enjoying eachother's company and would joke and talk normal. Watching them be friends almost made me feel like I have a normal family.
quote:
ORIGINAL: rainbowtvp
I would say... try to understand the perspective of each, but just for the sake of being compassionate toward them... and then let it go.
I'm trying to feel compassion toward my mom but it's hard. She is just SO like this. I wish she would just do the normal thing and get a job and quit trying to get money any other route than work. Maybe she is depressed...I dunno.
< Message edited by SteelMagnolia -- 6/10/2008 12:17:45 PM >
_____________________________
-Stina
MySpace
From Sweet Grass to the Packin' House (music player is at the bottom if you want to turn it off)
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RE: Had a blowing up with my mom - 6/10/2008 12:21:36 PM
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HisCovenant
Posts: 4635
Joined: 4/12/2005
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quote:
ORIGINAL: SteelMagnolia
It's not fair to me that is still bad with money to this day, because ultimately it will affect me. She is 50 and doesn't have a PENNY to her name. What is going to happen when she is too old to work. I guess my husband will have to support her. I feel angry that she doesn't think about these things.
...
I'm trying to feel compassion toward my mom but it's hard. She is just SO like this. I wish she would just do the normal thing and get a job and quit trying to get money any other route than work. Maybe she is depressed...I dunno.
I don't have answers for you, but I have experienced a lot of this with my father. Now, he is disabled and my very responsible mother is in charge. I thank God every day for taking away his ability to be responsible because he wouldn't take responsibility. We have other issues, so my father will never be allowed to live in my home again, but I wouldn't let him become homeless. Between government programs due to his illness and current elderly age and my money I would always make sure he had a home, clothing, and food. It's hard to let consequences hit when they are financial and mean choices like living in a homeles shelter vs. living with family.
_____________________________
-HisCovenant/ Zipporah
My friends call me Zippy!
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RE: Had a blowing up with my mom - 6/10/2008 12:25:21 PM
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Kat_D
Posts: 3225
Joined: 9/2/2005
From: Where We Shake, Rattle & Roll!
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quote:
ORIGINAL: SteelMagnolia
I can see that too, but he can't afford to loan her money. If someone can't afford to loan me money, then that's that. You can't change numbers or make money come out of nowhere. KWIM?
Oh, I think she was completely unreasonable and you are absolutely right...if your Dad didn't have it, what was he supposed to do? But, I was just trying to explain how she might of viewed it to help you better understand her reaction.
Again, she shouldn't have involved you or said those things about your Dad...that was wrong on every level. My heart goes out to you, Christina. I pray God will comfort and uplift you.
_____________________________
~Kat
"...And God will wipe away every tear from their eyes...no more death, sorrow, nor crying."
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RE: Had a blowing up with my mom - 6/10/2008 12:38:47 PM
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pbaribeault
Posts: 1115
Joined: 4/29/2005
Status: online
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No problem with your tone, Christina.
I'm from Canada, and I always am thinking that with our welfare system, there is almost always a way to avoid starvation and street-hood for a reasonable not-addicted adult that knows the system.
Are there really NO government support system for penniless elderly folks where you live? Do they all really just lay down in the street and die?
Anyhow, you did answer your own trouble with your own words (I love it when people do that)
Problem: Why doesn't she think about these things ?
Because... when she gets evicted she comes to live with us ... I won't let her live in a homeless shelter ...and... when she is too old to work the plan that you have both agreed to is that my husband will support her.
She's not planning for her future because she already has a plan for her future, and she knows that she raised you so that (she thinks) you won't be able to refuse.
Maybe it's time to teach her differently while she still has a decade and a half to learn to cope better.
I'm not saying that she can't stay with you in a crisis, but you don't have to make it cozy...
You don't have to prepare a nice guest room.
You don't have to buy or cook according to her preferences.
You can tell her that as long as she lives under your roof she can abide by your rules.
You can make manditory financial counselling one of those rules (it will be cheaper in the long run for you to pay for this).
You don't have to give her a house key (she can find somewhere else to be while you are not home).
You can ask her every morning if she has somewhere to go yet.
You can tell her that her irresponsible choices are not your business to fix, and that your house-space is a limited time offer, just to get her on her own feet where she belongs.
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RE: Had a blowing up with my mom - 6/10/2008 1:10:20 PM
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manda59
Posts: 5451
Joined: 9/22/2005
From: Hampshire, UK
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I totally agree with pbaribeault.
I understand that your mother has likely manipulated you into feeling responsible for her, possibly either directly or indirectly using guilt.
quote:
There is NO ONE else to take her, and I won't let her live in a homeless shelter.
Firstly, why should anyone "take her"? She is not a child, or a feeble elderly person, she is a 50yr old ADULT. You are *not* responsible for her, but you are the moment choosing to be. I understand that you love her and care about her, but by making yourself responsible for her, you're not allowing her to be responsible for herself.
That's why she won't "grow up" and take responsibility for herself, because she always has you there as a safety net, someone to rescue her. And as long as you keep rescuing her and baling her out, she will keep doing it.
I am sorry if this seems harsh; I know you care for her very much, but the Bible tells us that each one of us should carry our own load, and by acting like her parent, you're not letting her carry her own load and take the consequences for her choices.
She won't realise she *can* do it herself, while you keep doing it for her.
Have you ever heard of the term "codependent"? It occurs to me that you and your mother may have a codependent relationship and that is really not healthy for either of you.
_____________________________
"That's what I would say as well."
Mrs Wifey, August 2008.
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RE: Had a blowing up with my mom - 6/10/2008 2:02:35 PM
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jaimestarcross
Posts: 771
Joined: 11/28/2005
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My mom lives in NC and is on government assistance programs that provide her with housing and medical care - these programs are available for people who are ill and improvised (either by their own mishandling of money or by other means.) Check your local human resource centers or Department of Social Services as to what is available for seniors or indigent people.
The problem between your parents is between them - don't fall into the trap of taking sides or trying to mediate between them. Encourage them to work things out either between themselves or with a mediator(a professional one.) Gently encourage your mom to take a course in financial planning or give her the booklets that give step by step guides on how to use money wisely. If she goes after your dad for back child support - you could do this, if she gives you the money invest it for your mom and build her a future nest egg!
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RE: Had a blowing up with my mom - 6/10/2008 3:47:27 PM
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HisCovenant
Posts: 4635
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Nothing wrong with reminding us to be gentle and loving towards each other.
_____________________________
-HisCovenant/ Zipporah
My friends call me Zippy!
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RE: Had a blowing up with my mom - 6/10/2008 5:38:43 PM
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Mrs.X
Posts: 2323
Joined: 7/7/2005
From: Newberg, OR
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Kat_D
Again, she shouldn't have involved you or said those things about your Dad...that was wrong on every level. My heart goes out to you, Christina. I pray God will comfort and uplift you.
Thanks, Kat. Normally I'm a fairly understanding person...not sure why I'm having a hard time this time.
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Are there really NO government support system for penniless elderly folks where you live? Do they all really just lay down in the street and die?
I'm sure there's something out there for the elderly like Jaime was saying, but she's not old yet. If you're a youngish able-bodied person who doesn't work and is not drug-addicted, you live in a shelter or with family. The drug addicts and drunks are the only ones who sleep on the sidewalks because shelters don't allow that kind of thing. No one starves in Oregon though. There is an abundance of "soup kitchens" and free food boxes. I don't think I can let my mom go there though. I dunno. She took care of me for 16 years, and I feel obligated to reciprocate. If I had the gas to go over there, I'd make her get in the shower, put on her interview clothes and drop her off at Guardsmark (to get a job I know for a fact she will get) to protect myself from having her live with us.
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Problem: Why doesn't she think about these things ?
Because... when she gets evicted she comes to live with us ... I won't let her live in a homeless shelter ...and... when she is too old to work the plan that you have both agreed to is that my husband will support her.
She doesn't know all that though. It's been discussed by me and Robert, but she doesn't know. I guess she probably assumes because of my nature.
Looking at what's going on right now wih my mom, I've kind of realized that this has been happening my whole life. Everytime we got evicted, we'd go stay with my grandma or grandpa or aunt. She'd borrow money to get a new place (always tried to pay it back). The whole family, my mom and all her brothers and sisters just sucked my grandma dry, mostly my uncle though. My grandma died a little over a year ago, and my grandpa died 5 years ago. I guess that's why I feel obligated. I shouldn't have to though.
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I'm not saying that she can't stay with you in a crisis, but you don't have to make it cozy...
You don't have to prepare a nice guest room.
You don't have to buy or cook according to her preferences.
You can tell her that as long as she lives under your roof she can abide by your rules.
You can make manditory financial counselling one of those rules (it will be cheaper in the long run for you to pay for this).
You don't have to give her a house key (she can find somewhere else to be while you are not home).
You can ask her every morning if she has somewhere to go yet.
You can tell her that her irresponsible choices are not your business to fix, and that your house-space is a limited time offer, just to get her on her own feet where she belongs.
LOL @ guest room. We live in a small 2br apartment. I know she would try to be considerate while she's here. But, she hates Robert and Robert hates her...I don't blame them. I do like the financial counselling idea though.
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Have you ever heard of the term "codependent"? It occurs to me that you and your mother may have a codependent relationship and that is really not healthy for either of you.
Can you believe I actually spent 7 years in Al-Anon, Manda? It sure doesn't sound like I learned anything, does it? I guess I've just forgotten the principles that I used to apply to my life. I guess applying those principles when you're a teen is very different as an adult. I think when my youngest finally gets of | | |
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