|
Users viewing this topic:
none
|
|
Login  | |
|
So much to ask for - 6/13/2008 8:39:33 PM
|
|
|
epic74
Posts: 20
Joined: 6/13/2008
Status: offline
|
Hi everyone,
First, let me introduce myself...and warn you that I am going to be very transparent with you. I apologize in advance if this is too long. I'm a 34 year old divorced man. I came to this board looking for somebody(ies) in the Christian church at large to talk to about things that have bothered me...ok, maybe I need support is the right way to put it.
I've read some of the threads here but not comprehensively because I really don't have a lot of time. I'm a workaholic not by choice, my job is pretty high demand. Ok, get on with then right?
I was married for 14 years, to a beautiful wife. We have three beautiful daughters together. To make a long story short, she had an affair and is not not walking with God at all anymore. She parties and sleeps around. Brings various men into my daughters life, and I had to fight to just get 50% custody. It has taken me a long time to heal from that experience.
Now, I wish I could tell you how noble and strong I was through all of this. I wish I could tell you that I would not date while still legally married. The fact that she was not only dating, but partying and sleeping with different men was very difficult for me. So I dated also. And when Christmas came around, I didn't have a traditional Christmas with my kids, they were sick and I only got to see one of them, my oldest, for a few hours Christmas day. This pushed me into a bad place for a couple of months. I was going to bars and getting so drunk that I would black out. I would wake up the next day not knowing how I got where I was. Luckily I had friends who got me home usually. I've always been a "casual drinker", and back in high-school I was a partier. But I was saved 9 years ago and this is the worst I've been since then. Now I will only drink beer in moderation. If I drink any more than two glasses of anything I become a person I don't like. My ex wife even saw me once drunk out of my mind at a club and I heard about it later I was mortified that she saw me in a miserable place because she put me there and didn't care at all about me.
Well, I have a Christian brother who saved my life. He talked me into giving up the alcohol and the bars/clubs. I got my head back on straight again and while I never left God in my heart I got my eyes back on Him too. I tell you this because I don't want you think I am judgmental or not understanding. I've been there ok, I've been at rock bottom.
I am now celibate by choice. And as long as I'm being transparent with you.... I've gotten in really good shape since separating from my wife. I've made the gym a way of dealing with my pain. Between work and the gym that's pretty much my whole life right now. I get hit on regularly and people always tell me what a good looking guy I am. I tell you this so you know that I can go to the bars and clubs and play that game. I am now alone by choice.
Well, since we first had kids I've made my whole life about being a family man. That is how I identify myself. I have hated....HATED, being alone. I'm not made for it. I don't like the dating scene. I've been praying to God to put somebody into my life. I've had two badly failed experiences into would be relationships so far.
Now here's the intent of my post. I can't seem to find a Christian girl who doesn't go clubbing and doesn't have more problems than I am willing to share. Now, I'm not looking for perfection and I don't need a spotless past, Lord knows. And yes, I am looking for somebody who meets a certain physical standard, still being transparent here. And I've made my mistakes. But I learned that nothing good comes from the clubs. They are like a gathering place for all of the most miserable souls to congregate and pretend they like each other so they can have some fun.
Is it so much to ask for to find a Christian girl who believes in celibacy and doesn't go clubbing? "Girls night out" has become one of the most irritating phrases I can hear. All I want is a girl who is sold out to the Lord.
Now, maybe since I live in Utah my view is skewed. We don't have a very high Christian population here, most people are Mormons. And ok yes, I've dated a couple of Mormon girls. You know what sucks? THEY live up to the standards I would love to find in a Christian girl!!
But what it comes down to is that I've begun to wonder if this girl exists at all. Christians are so glib about sex and not willing to admit how important the issue is to God. I'm tempted to settle for the next person that comes along just so I am not lonely anymore. I've begun to dread coming home alone at night, having dinner by myself and then just going to bed. I know the traditional wisdom about finding myself and all of that. And frankly I've done it and I still don't like being alone. I am a happy, positive, optimistic person by nature. But I am beginning to lose heart.
Is this such a rare thing? This type of person I am looking for? Is it really so much to ask for?
|
|
|
|
RE: So much to ask for - 6/13/2008 9:29:08 PM
|
|
|
shemaromans
Posts: 3874
Joined: 3/30/2007
Status: offline
|
quote:
Is this such a rare thing? This type of person I am looking for? Is it really so much to ask for?
Not at all. She really exists. In fact, they exist. You just haven't met any of them yet.
I'm sorry to read of your experiences and the pain you've felt, but please don't despair.
Have you talked to your brother that you mentioned above about this? What has he said? Does he attend the same church as you? Does he know of any family-oriented, non-clubbing/partying women that he could introduce you to?
_____________________________
"But as for me, it is good to be near God." Psalm 73:28
|
|
|
|
|
RE: So much to ask for - 6/13/2008 9:49:51 PM
|
|
|
epic74
Posts: 20
Joined: 6/13/2008
Status: offline
|
Hi shemaromans, thanks for the reply :O)
My Christian brother is married with kids. We got to know them at our church. Here's the thing about leaving a long marriage... you only know other people who are married, and they usually only know other people who are married. lol
I don't go to that church any more. I went for a while but just didn't feel right there anymore. My ex slandered me there and most people were quick to believe her. I felt very let down by my church family. The truth came out within a couple of months and everybody realized.
I'm actually still looking for a church home too because I had to move into my kids new school zone (she moved away with them and in the agreement we made I agreed to move to where they were instead of making them move back, I didn't want the kids to experience any more change than they had to).
It gives me hope that you say they are out there, because I feel like I'm losing heart. That gives me hope. And then I wonder if my standards are just too high and if I'm being ridiculous.
|
|
|
|
|
RE: So much to ask for - 6/13/2008 9:52:52 PM
|
|
|
epic74
Posts: 20
Joined: 6/13/2008
Status: offline
|
The thing that is weird is that when I was going through my difficult time after Christmas and just before pulling out of it, I felt like God was very clearly telling me that if I wanted a top notch partner for the rest of my life I needed to get back to being a top notch guy, and that was a lot of my motivation.
Maybe I'm just not being patient enough with God. But I'm hating it in the meantime, lol.
|
|
|
|
|
RE: So much to ask for - 6/13/2008 10:02:12 PM
|
|
|
epic74
Posts: 20
Joined: 6/13/2008
Status: offline
|
Thanks Tink :)
And for the *huggles* too :O)
|
|
|
|
|
RE: So much to ask for - 6/13/2008 10:06:55 PM
|
|
|
shemaromans
Posts: 3874
Joined: 3/30/2007
Status: offline
|
Part of being in our 30's is that most of the people we know are married. Hang around here a while, and it will become very obvious. We're all in the same boat!
As for having too high of standards, dismiss the thought. You've lived the clubbing life and now know what you want based upon your experience. It's good to know what you want. If you look for something contrary to that, you'll be lying to yourself and will eventually be dissatisfied. Not only that--and most importantly--your standards and expectations align with want God wants. You're in his will, so he'll provide when he sees fit.
quote:
Maybe I'm just not being patient enough with God. But I'm hating it in the meantime, lol.
I have a feeling that many people can relate to your comment. :) I won't post the verse that I usually think of when I feel the same way, but just remember that God's in the fruit-growing business! I used to be incredibly impatient. After I started praying for patience, you wouldn't believe how many times God made me wait for things that I wanted. I'm still waiting for some of them.
_____________________________
"But as for me, it is good to be near God." Psalm 73:28
|
|
|
|
|
RE: So much to ask for - 6/13/2008 10:13:09 PM
|
|
|
epic74
Posts: 20
Joined: 6/13/2008
Status: offline
|
Well, it's good to know that at least I'm not alone.
I wish I had come here when I was going through a lot of the pain of divorce.
I don't think I'll be asking for God to teach me patience. :D He decided to do that all on His own and I don't think I could take anymore. lol
|
|
|
|
|
RE: So much to ask for - 6/13/2008 10:20:38 PM
|
|
|
shemaromans
Posts: 3874
Joined: 3/30/2007
Status: offline
|
Hugs all around!
(Thanks, Tink  )
_____________________________
"But as for me, it is good to be near God." Psalm 73:28
|
|
|
|
|
RE: So much to ask for - 6/13/2008 10:23:28 PM
|
|
|
mutinywxgirl
Posts: 12835
Joined: 4/29/2005
From: west coast of FL
Status: offline
|
quote:
Is this such a rare thing? This type of person I am looking for? Is it really so much to ask for?
No, you've got one right here (way too old), but a completely sold out lady for the Lord.
I agree with your comment about other denominations being more moral than the Christians. I have a friend from Iran who is more moral than many of the Christian men I run into at my age. So yeah, it goes both ways.
_____________________________
When blood and water hit the ground.
Walls we couldn't move came crashing down.
We were free and made alive.
The day true love died. The day true love died.
Lisa is happy THE ROWDIES ARE BACK!
|
|
|
|
|
RE: So much to ask for - 6/13/2008 10:32:48 PM
|
|
|
epic74
Posts: 20
Joined: 6/13/2008
Status: offline
|
quote:
No, you've got one right here (way too old), but a completely sold out lady for the Lord.
God bless you for that. :O) It does my heart good to hear that.
|
|
|
|
|
RE: So much to ask for - 6/14/2008 12:04:57 AM
|
|
|
epic74
Posts: 20
Joined: 6/13/2008
Status: offline
|
lol, that's great Jamie, I'm glad to hear there are good girls nights out. :O)
The fact that my ex can't be alone at all makes me sad for her. She has actually settled into a multi month relationship with a guy. Call me impressed.
When I talk to people about it, it seems that's the norm for women in divorce, even supposedly Christian women, so good for you!!!
Even though I want to find somebody now, I'm glad for the time I've had alone too, hard as it is.
|
|
|
|
|
RE: So much to ask for - 6/14/2008 1:22:17 AM
|
|
|
woodwind228
Posts: 461
Joined: 5/8/2008
From: Atlanta
Status: offline
|
quote:
ORIGINAL: epic74
lol, that's great Jamie, I'm glad to hear there are good girls nights out. :O)
The fact that my ex can't be alone at all makes me sad for her. She has actually settled into a multi month relationship with a guy. Call me impressed.
When I talk to people about it, it seems that's the norm for women in divorce, even supposedly Christian women, so good for you!!!
Even though I want to find somebody now, I'm glad for the time I've had alone too, hard as it is.
My last GNO was at my house with some of my friends. We ate dinner together and watched The Bethlehem Star (this is an AWESOME documentary, by the way!). We do stuff like that often. So, fortunately, Girls' Night Out definitely has different meaning to different people/groups.
Clearly your ex is not living a lifestyle that's pleasing to God; however, it doesn't sound like you've forgiven her. There is a TON of healing that comes when you are able to forgive. We are commanded to forgive, whether we want to or not. God has to change our hearts so that we can forgive. Unforgiveness can turn into bitterness if left unchecked and not dealt with properly.
I (respectfully) disagree that your ex's lifestyle is the norm for women in divorce. My ex and I separated 6 years ago. I filed for divorce a year into the separation, and finally got my final decree just last year. (Think it took long enough?!) Still, I never went clubbing or anything. My life consisted going to work, running errands, or staying at home. That was it. Not much of a life really, but it was good to take that time for myself and for my children. And, of course, to let God work out His purpose in my life. I am very active in my church and I serve in various areas.
I don't think your standards are too high. I think the standards of the women you've seen are waaaaay to low. If it is God's will for you to remarry, it WILL be done! You can get through this. Rely on God, don't be discouraged - and come join friends here when you feel lonely. There's almost always someone online you can talk to. (Seems like it anyway.)
((hugs))
_____________________________
*~* Susan *~*
These things I have spoken to you, so that in Me you may have peace. In the world you have tribulation, but take courage; I have overcome the world. --John 16:33 KJV
|
|
|
|
|
RE: So much to ask for - 6/14/2008 3:52:11 AM
|
|
|
epic74
Posts: 20
Joined: 6/13/2008
Status: offline
|
Thanks for the support Susan..
I'm interested in your position that my ex's behavior is not the usual. The thing is, I've talked to a lot of divorced men and the stories are almost always very similar.
You are right, I actually have forgiven my ex, but then I fall back on that and have to go through it all again. She took my kids away from me and didn't even let me talk to them on the phone, I had to fight for them, and eventually won my 50%. In the meantime, while she was keeping me from them, she would abandon them herself. My kids were alone through the most difficult time. One night she came home drunk with a man and couldn't get in the house, she lost her key, they banged to wake up the kids and my oldest told me she thought somebody was breaking in, she was hiding under the covers scared. Can you imagine? And I couldn't be there to comfort her and make her feel safe. This type of stuff is far worse than her having an affair.
She is also hateful in every email she sends to me while talking about plans with the kids. She hates that I won and she has to work with me still on raising them. All of this makes it very hard for me to stay in a constant state of forgiveness for her. But I feel bad for her at the same time because she gave up good things and is miserable now. Also the kids are backlashing on her. One of my daughters hit her when she thought she lost a pin I gave her for her birthday.
It's good to know there are people that agree with me on the standards. After a while you begin questioning yourself. This has been very encouraging for me.
On a side note, I was asked recently what my favorite scripture was. I didn't have an answer. But I think the one in your sig is my new favorite. :)
|
|
|
|
|
RE: So much to ask for - 6/14/2008 9:26:26 AM
|
|
|
J3jamie
Posts: 37
Joined: 4/14/2008
Status: offline
|
I really encourage you to seek our divorcecare.org They have great daily emails that helped me a great deal. They also have support groups. The book "Lord heal my hurt" was instrumental in me learning to forgive my X and move on. He cheated on me also. He is not a believer either. He parties and don't even get me started on the trailer trash he hooked up with. So I understand where you are coming from.
As for favorite scriptures: Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope amd future.
The verses that follow that are also great: Then you will call upon me and come and pray for me and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you declares the Lord, and will bring you back from captivity.
_____________________________
Jamie from NW Ohio
|
|
|
|
|
RE: So much to ask for - 6/14/2008 10:49:06 AM
|
|
|
Tinkerbell_
Posts: 6148
Joined: 1/25/2008
From: NeverNeverLand
Status: offline
|
quote:
ORIGINAL: epic74
I'm interested in your position that my ex's behavior is not the usual. The thing is, I've talked to a lot of divorced men and the stories are almost always very similar.
I also didn't go clubbing, wasn't involved with anyone after my divorce. I spent most of my time with my new girlfriends who were nothing but supportive and with my boys trying to get our relationships back together. I don't think your exes behaviour was the norm as well. But...depends on what area you're in I suppose.
Please...find a good group of men to hang out, encourage you, and be there for you. If you can't, hang around here. The men here are awesome and even though they haven't all gone through what you've gone through, they are wonderful at being supportive. *huggles*
_____________________________
|
|
|
|
|
RE: So much to ask for - 6/14/2008 11:35:19 AM
|
|
|
woodwind228
Posts: 461
Joined: 5/8/2008
From: Atlanta
Status: offline
|
My divorce was nasty also, as you may have guessed by it taking so long. My ex actually walked out on us when my youngest was only 6 months old. After a year and after finding out some really disgusting things about him, I filed for divorce. He's never been interested in my dd and was never even alone with her until we had a temporary visitation schedule setup prior to the temp hearing. He suddenly wanted custody, but only as a control tactic and so he wouldn't have to pay support. He was all about money and control. Fortunately for us, he kept showing his stupidity and uncontrolled anger in court. So much so that the bailiff came up to me after court and advised me not to leave the courtroom until he had time to get to the elevator, and to not leave the building until I saw him drive away (the windows in the hallway overlooked the parking lot).
I had suspicions of him abusing my dd so I kept a careful watch. The daycare provider also suspected him, as did others. My dd was acting out some stuff that was totally in appropriate for her age, she would cling to me or the daycare provider, she went into a shell when she was always sooooo outgoing and friendly before, she would cry and latch on to the daycare provider when the ex would pick her up, he would lose control of his temper and say threatening and hateful things to the daycare provider, etc. We knew something was going on. It was so obvious. But we also knew my dd. An outsider might not see it nearly so clearly. One day my dd acted out in a way, the morning after seeing my ex, that an outsider couldn't miss it and she reported it. I was able to get an emergency hearing based on that. I was asking that he have supervised visitation with a professional supervising agency. The judged ruled that he have no visitation. My dd was finally safe, but I still had to fight to make sure she remained that way. On paper, he made tried to make it appear as though he wanted to be a part of her life, but it was so obvious that he didn't give a rip.
He has had absolutely nothing to do with her since, which suits me just fine. Once he lost his job I no longer got the support (via income deduction order), which was 3 years ago. He is now self-employed and says he's broke and can't pay. And I know for a fact that he made over $65,000 during the same time he filed bankruptcy. (He's filed bk 3 times now in an attempt to avoid paying child support. I think he finally figured out that support is not dischargeable in bk.) He's been wanting to terminate his parental rights for a while now and last Feb signed the necessary papers to have it done (just need to take it to court and get an order). He hasn't seen her in over 4 years.
I don't share this to a lot of people and am actually rather hesitant in posting. Especially online! But as you can see, he really is quite the scum of the earth. I only share this so you can understand how hard it was for me to forgive him. Very hard! But I finally did. I began asking God to give me the strength to forgive him, as I knew I couldn't do it in my own strength. The Bible mandates us to forgive and if it's God's will for us to forgive (which it is!), He will give us what we need to do it. If we can't forgive, we can't be forgiven. I've also been praying for his salvation, that just the right someone would come into his path and share the Gospel with him and that he sees his need for Jesus and gets his life right with God. (The Bible also says to pray for your enemies.) With God's help, you can forgive her.
I was horrified to hear about your ex coming home drunk and with a man. The kids should not be exposed to this at all. It seems quite common for divorce orders these days to include verbage about not having a member of the opposite sex around the home that is not a family member. I would document each such ocurrence and consider asking for a modification if this is something that happens often. But by all means, never stop praying!
Jer 29:11 is a great verse, and I really like the one in my siggy. I also like Ps 34:18 and James 1:2 and following. Everything happens for a reason, whether we understand it during the time of our difficulty or not. Perhaps your going through this so that you grow in the Lord, and to maybe be a comfort to someone else that is going through the same as you did. I would be very careful though because if you proclaim to be a christian, you better believe the non-christians especially will be watching you and how you handle things. They want to know if you're real. Watching you can be a very powerful testimony to them one way or the other.
_____________________________
*~* Susan *~*
These things I have spoken to you, so that in Me you may have peace. In the world you have tribulation, but take courage; I have overcome the world. --John 16:33 KJV
|
|
|
|
|
RE: So much to ask for - 6/14/2008 9:39:48 PM
|
|
|
epic74
Posts: 20
Joined: 6/13/2008
Status: offline
|
Wow, thanks for that Susan, that is very brave of you. It's odd when evil is at the gate ready to destroy a family.
I've been thinking on what you said and one funny thing is that she is always just mean in every email she sends me, she swears at me and is very childish. I've decided to just nice the hell out of her. lol Seriously, I'll just be so sticky sweet with niceness it'll probably drive her nuts. But really I do hope that the Lord brings her back, I know I always expect Him to with me.
If she was never truly saved and was just a professing Christian then that's one thing, but if she was saved and she if walking away the way she is, then she must be just completely miserable.
My teenager is also becoming gothic and emo and all of that, and it breaks my heart. This is a radical change that took place "over night". I've got a lot of work cut out for me for my girls.
Funny how this thread became about ex-es instead of future currents, lol.
|
|
|
|
|
RE: So much to ask for - 6/14/2008 11:23:15 PM
|
|
|
okrox
Posts: 134
Joined: 4/28/2005
Status: offline
|
quote:
Funny how this thread became about ex-es instead of future currents, lol.
Which really is not incidental, epic. It means that you still need some time to heal. God is never late, never too slow, but always on time. "She" is out there, somewhere (I believe that. Some here don't, but that's for another thread.) but the time isn't right for you, and probably not yet for her, to meet. I agree with the poster above who said to be patient.
In my own process, I found the books "Healing is a Choice" and "God Will Make A Way" to be incredibly helpful. They have helped me see the big picture and God's hand in it.
A of verse for you:
Lamentations 3: 25 The LORD is good to those whose hope is in him,
to the one who seeks him;
26 it is good to wait quietly
for the salvation of the LORD.
Yeah, I know.
More of that "waiting" stuff.
It's a good thing I'm not God. I wouldn't have made patience a virtue. I'd have made it a sin.
< Message edited by okrox -- 6/15/2008 1:13:28 AM >
_____________________________
Redeeming love has been my theme, and shall be 'til I die.
|
|
|
|
|
RE: So much to ask for - 6/14/2008 11:40:02 PM
|
|
|
epic74
Posts: 20
Joined: 6/13/2008
Status: offline
|
quote:
It's a good thing I'm not God. I wouldn't have made patience a virtue. I'd have made it a sin.
LOL
Yeah, me too. :)
And btw, that's not the answer I was looking for, even if it is the right one. ;-)
< Message edited by epic74 -- 6/14/2008 11:46:08 PM >
|
|
|
|
|
RE: So much to ask for - 6/14/2008 11:52:49 PM
|
|
|
okrox
Posts: 134
Joined: 4/28/2005
Status: offline
|
quote:
ORIGINAL: epic74
quote:
It's a good thing I'm not God. I wouldn't have made patience a virtue. I'd have made it a sin.
LOL
Yeah, me too. :)
And btw, that's not the answer I was looking for, even if it is the right one. ;-)
LOL. Me either, but it seems to be the one I keep getting! HA! But, seriously, if you will read at all, try those two books. They help you look at the whole waiting thing much more positively. They're all about what you can be doing to help speed the healing process up, while God is doing His thing behind the scenes. That made me feel a whole lot better than just wringing my hands and sighing. Also, I can't recommend "How to Find A Date Worth Keeping" highly enough. (Again, not everybody here agrees with it.) But it sure beats the Lifetime Channel and Nick at Night.
_____________________________
Redeeming love has been my theme, and shall be 'til I die.
|
|
|
|
|
RE: So much to ask for - 6/14/2008 11:55:15 PM
|
|
|
epic74
Posts: 20
Joined: 6/13/2008
Status: offline
|
okrox,
You have a great sense of humor. I find myself lol'ing at a lot of your posts.
I actually do like to read, I'll check those out. Thank you :)
|
|
|
|
|
RE: So much to ask for - 6/15/2008 12:19:43 AM
|
|
|
okrox
Posts: 134
Joined: 4/28/2005
Status: offline
|
Thanks, epic!
(It's all this time spent waiting that's given me time to practice posting! See! There's always a silver lining! HA!)
_____________________________
Redeeming love has been my theme, and shall be 'til I die.
|
|
|
|
|
Forum Tools
Printable Version
RE: So much to ask for - 
