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RE: In desperate need of a counselor ASAP - 6/20/2008 7:58:34 PM
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csl7037
Posts: 911
Joined: 3/24/2008
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Hislittleone
Mods forgive me if this is off topic and belongs in the men/women's roles in marriage thread. I thought about moving the discussion there but I do believe it applies to the op’s situation. Please let me know if we need to take the discussion elsewhere.
I'm resisting the urge to reply to the side conversation. I do think that would be a good discussion on it's own. But I don't think the back and forth does solarflare any good. If he came here wanting to hear something to justify his own perspective (as so many do), he could've jumped on what ChoirDJ said. That first post made it sound like he just needs to call the dog whisperer or something. Thankfully, solarflare seems to understand that there's a lot more going on here and more at stake than to be served by patent over-reaching assumptions or generalizations either way. Bottom line, as others have said, is he needs counselling and someone who can work through some complicated underlying issues that must be involved here. I think he's been referred to some good resources and pray he'll take advantage of that advice (with or without her).
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RE: In desperate need of a counselor ASAP - 6/21/2008 9:33:28 AM
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iluvatar
Posts: 1400
Joined: 4/12/2005
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Hislittleone
I would like to point out that, while calling a person a jerk (or any other name) is not nice and we shouldn’t do it, the fact that this woman is doing this indicates that she has a problem with her husband. Very likely he has done something(s) that have hurt her deeply. We only have his side of the story here and he admittedly hasn’t been a perfect husband. So, I’d like to give his wife the benefit of the doubt until /unless the op returns and gives more info to the contrary.
I'd like to point out that if the OP's wife has suffered some serious hurt, it's not necessarily the case that the OP was the one who caused it. My wife exhibits many of the same traits that his wife does, but her issues can mostly be traced to her childhood. Her anger also seems to be triggered by elevated stress levels at work.
-Dan.
_____________________________
Well, I've been to one world fair, a picnic, and a rodeo, and that's the stupidest thing I ever heard come over a set of earphones.
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RE: In desperate need of a counselor ASAP - 6/21/2008 1:35:29 PM
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Hislittleone
Posts: 594
Joined: 7/13/2007
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quote:
ORIGINAL: iluvatar
quote:
ORIGINAL: Hislittleone
I would like to point out that, while calling a person a jerk (or any other name) is not nice and we shouldn’t do it, the fact that this woman is doing this indicates that she has a problem with her husband. Very likely he has done something(s) that have hurt her deeply. We only have his side of the story here and he admittedly hasn’t been a perfect husband. So, I’d like to give his wife the benefit of the doubt until /unless the op returns and gives more info to the contrary.
I'd like to point out that if the OP's wife has suffered some serious hurt, it's not necessarily the case that the OP was the one who caused it. My wife exhibits many of the same traits that his wife does, but her issues can mostly be traced to her childhood. Her anger also seems to be triggered by elevated stress levels at work.
-Dan.
I can understand what you are talking about because I have very serious issues from my childhood that cause(d) very deep pain/anger. Two of the marriage ministries that my husband and I have worked with teach that a wife can receive healing through her husband being Christlike (hurts that a husband has caused and hurts that are caused in childhood before the husband was even in the picture). As my husband has been following the principles he's learned over the past year, I find that I have received much healing. I've been to counseling and it definitely helped. I will always recommend that. But there is also a lot of healing that a husband is able to offer in a different way than a counselor can. The anger/hurt that used to manifest in bad ways in my life even after the counseling (impatience, yelling, calling names etc.), very rarely manifests now. I find that I am a much changed woman yet I can't claim any of the credit.  It's all due to my husband's changes in becoming a Christlike husband.....following God's instruction to husbands.
Sonrise:quote:
I use to be known as a screamer and a hot head, but a few years ago I really dealt with this and am still to this day.
Also, this does cause a wife (and children if there are any) serious hurt that is long lasting.
However, Sonrise, I would like to say I'm so proud of you for realizing that this behavior is not honoring to God and for fixing it. Good for you!!!
quote:
God really can change a mans heart if we ask Him to.
Amen and amen to that!!!  Sonrise, you seem to be a husband who recognizes his own faults and is willing to become a better, more Christlike man. That's wonderful. Don't give up. I do believe that it (your marriage) can and will get better one day. May God greatly bless your efforts.
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RE: In desperate need of a counselor ASAP - 6/21/2008 11:42:51 PM
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TorchHeart
Posts: 708
Joined: 6/4/2008
From: One of the coldest places on Earth
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Hislittleone
I would like to point out that, while calling a person a jerk (or any other name) is not nice and we shouldn’t do it, the fact that this woman is doing this indicates that she has a problem with her husband. Very likely he has done something(s) that have hurt her deeply. We only have his side of the story here and he admittedly hasn’t been a perfect husband. So, I’d like to give his wife the benefit of the doubt until /unless the op returns and gives more info to the contrary.
Giving her the benefit of the doubt is one thing. With all due respect, this sounds more like you're defending (and even condoning) her abuse of her husband. And yes, what she is doing IS abusive, and it sounds like itsconstant and happening in front of their child.
I'm all in favor of giving people the "benefit of the doubt," but in an abusive situation like this, professional councilling should be sought. THOSE PEOPLE can help determine what the wife's problem is (if there actuall is any), and why her behavior is as it is.
Furthermore, the things that the OP claims his wife is telling him such things as "(if he) "just did what (he) was supposed to (they) wouldn't be wasting $75/week on counseling," and "(he) ripped a paper towel in half and she spent the next two minutes berating (him) because she's told me many times to tear it 'with the grain" not against it,'" and constantly calling him a "bad parent" (is irresponsible really that much better, too? I guess that depends on his viewpoint) indicates to me that this most likely isn't so much about something he did to her (though I will reserve the possiblity that it is), but likely something psychological with her. That needs to be sorted out, and again I state the importance of councilling for this. (And I'm sure, from your previous posts, you'll agree with me on the need for councilling)
To Sonrise: I once again state that your idea to seek councilling is a good move. Things may be getting a little better, but I still think its necessary here. As I said, you might need to go to counciling by yourself, first, for the benefit of getting someone else involved who can better tell you what the issues might be, and how you should proceed in getting your wife to seek treatment (if needs be). I would also suggest that you do seek professional councilling, sooner than later. While I don't know your wife, there is always a possibility in abusive situations where the abusor may turn their attention towards children as well as their spouce after time. No matter how loving that parent might be.
Also, I'd like to ask you, what kind of background does your wife come from? What was her homelife like growing up, and what kind of relationship does she have with her immediate family (mother, father, siblings)? Is there anything there that might give some inkling regarding her attitude towards you, or her comments about your parenting skills and how you should (for lack of a better term) do what you're supposed to?
< Message edited by TorchHeart -- 6/21/2008 11:54:57 PM >
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RE: In desperate need of a counselor ASAP - 6/22/2008 12:07:58 AM
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Hislittleone
Posts: 594
Joined: 7/13/2007
Status: offline
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quote:
quote:
ORIGINAL: Hislittleone
I would like to point out that, while calling a person a jerk (or any other name) is not nice and we shouldn’t do it, the fact that this woman is doing this indicates that she has a problem with her husband. Very likely he has done something(s) that have hurt her deeply. We only have his side of the story here and he admittedly hasn’t been a perfect husband. So, I’d like to give his wife the benefit of the doubt until /unless the op returns and gives more info to the contrary.
quote:
Giving her the benefit of the doubt is one thing. With all due respect, this sounds more like you're defending (and even condoning) her abuse of her husband. And yes, what she is doing IS abusive, and it sounds like itsconstant and happening in front of their child.
I don't condone abuse. It's wrong for anyone to emotionally, physically, mentally or sexually abuse another human being. I never said it was ok for her to call him names etc. In fact I said just the opposite.
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RE: In desperate need of a counselor ASAP - 6/22/2008 12:40:57 AM
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TorchHeart
Posts: 708
Joined: 6/4/2008
From: One of the coldest places on Earth
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It does seem to me like you're defending her abusive actions.
While you point out that we shouldn't call people names, you then suggest that this is probably the husband's fault that she's doing this. My reading into this is "its not nice to abuse people, but he most likely did something to her, so he probably deserves it."
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RE: In desperate need of a counselor ASAP - 6/22/2008 1:25:20 AM
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Hislittleone
Posts: 594
Joined: 7/13/2007
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quote:
My reading into this is "its not nice to abuse people, but he most likely did something to her, so he probably deserves it."
Torchheart, I'm sorry you see it this way. That's not how I meant it. I never, ever, ever said that he deserved anything....whether it be good or bad. Nor did I say that his wife was right in her actions. Actually, I said just the opposite. Not sure how you got that from my post.(?) I suggested that Sonrise's wife seems to be unhappy with him. He has admitted that he's had a problem with anger in the past. Perhaps she isn't healed from the damage he caused with his anger issues. I don't know. But I do know that I did not say or imply that abuse is ok and I never said or implied that Sonrise deserves to be called names.
< Message edited by Hislittleone -- 6/22/2008 1:48:08 AM >
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RE: In desperate need of a counselor ASAP - 6/22/2008 10:02:54 PM
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TorchHeart
Posts: 708
Joined: 6/4/2008
From: One of the coldest places on Earth
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Hislittleone
quote:
My reading into this is "its not nice to abuse people, but he most likely did something to her, so he probably deserves it."
Torchheart, I'm sorry you see it this way. That's not how I meant it. I never, ever, ever said that he deserved anything....whether it be good or bad. Nor did I say that his wife was right in her actions. Actually, I said just the opposite. Not sure how you got that from my post.(?) I suggested that Sonrise's wife seems to be unhappy with him. He has admitted that he's had a problem with anger in the past. Perhaps she isn't healed from the damage he caused with his anger issues. I don't know. But I do know that I did not say or imply that abuse is ok and I never said or implied that Sonrise deserves to be called names.
If you say that's not how you meant it, then I'll take your word for it. But if you read your post,...
quote:
ORIGINAL: Hislittleone
I would like to point out that, while calling a person a jerk (or any other name) is not nice and we shouldn’t do it, the fact that this woman is doing this indicates that she has a problem with her husband. Very likely he has done something(s) that have hurt her deeply. We only have his side of the story here and he admittedly hasn’t been a perfect husband. So, I’d like to give his wife the benefit of the doubt until /unless the op returns and gives more info to the contrary.
I think its pretty easy to see where I got that idea from. I doubt highly that this is just "she hasn't healed, yet."
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RE: In desperate need of a counselor ASAP - 6/22/2008 10:54:26 PM
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Hislittleone
Posts: 594
Joined: 7/13/2007
Status: offline
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Torchheart, I still don't see where in my posts I said or implied that abuse is ok. I'm sorry you got that impression because as I've said, that is not what I meant to convey. I actually said that it wasn't ok for her to call him a jerk etc. Perhaps you missed that part? I am now going to bow out of this conversation as I don't see how it's beneficial to anyone.
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