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RE: Password sharing - 7/14/2008 4:07:33 PM
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hnt
Posts: 527
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quote:
ORIGINAL: 3cappuccinosmom
quote:
Why the push for the password?
Why would he push for that anyway?
I have to admit my curiousity antennas would come up as to WHY it would be worth getting upset over if he knew what it was, and insisted on having the passcode to access them.
That to be would be odd, and getting upset about NOT having those passcodes seems a bit irrational to me!
Well, perhaps he has some reason to ask. Some past indescretion. Some inkling that she is hiding something. We only have the OP's side of the story.
Did anyone ask that if that could valid? No. Instead we question trust, and tell about how we don't have problems showing our husbands our journals. Perhaps we could ask before questioning trust.
Of course, he's a man, so it's entirely possible that he's just a controlling jerk.  (note the smiley, folks, that was *humerous* so don't jump all over me this time.  )
My husband is a man of utter integrity, so it's beyond my imagination to hide a password or a journal from him. He knows where my stuff is and how to read it, but really has no interest. Now, if I made a big show about it being "secret" and mine and mine alone, he'd get his hackles up and most likely wonder what I had to hide and why I was thumbing my nose at him like that.  I'm not saying this is what's happening--just putting forward a possible scenario that doesn't involve the man being horrible and controlling.
Did she say she made a big show out of it? No. We can't jump to that conclusion either. Did she thumb her nose etc. - can't tell that either. Since we don't know what type of man he is - integity or not present - why jump the gun assuming things about trust? Maybe we could ask more questions before doing that. We don't even have to assume that he is horrible and controlling (snort snort!) We could ask more questions first!
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Emotional abuse and Faith
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RE: Password sharing - 7/14/2008 4:18:12 PM
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hnt
Posts: 527
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Mrs.Wifey
quote:
Why can't it be a boundary thing Denim? To me its more principal than trust.
Because, IMO, a boundary shouldn't need to be kept under lock and key. My journal is open for reading, but DH never has because it's a personal boundary. When their is a refusal to share the passwords with this much of a problem then it seems to me, that there would be a trust issue.
YOu have the right to your opinion of course. LOL I don't agree! People in a mutually repectful relationship wouldn't care about it being locked or not. Nor would they even know! Why? They wouldn't go near it to begin with!
To me it would be a completely DIFFERENT thing if it was lets say your family's quicken program! That includes your family finances - I think anyone would have grounds to be upset. Both spouses should have access to that if requested.
The point I felt was odd is that he wants access to things - like the medical records - that he truly has no business near to begin with. That behavior is quite odd! To me a man of intergity wouldn't ask that to begin with. Nor would they wish to go into someone's journal! They know enough to realize that isn't proper.
I also have things right out in the open, and he could do whatever he wanted to. I also have things passcoded due the kids being the computer, and NOT wanting them by mistake to mess it up! The H knows the code, but again never bothered.
If he approached me in an angry way demanding - I would wonder what is UP with HIM first before I went ANY further! We don't even have the reason he was so over the top yet to start making assumptions!
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Emotional abuse and Faith
Reaching for IT!!!!!!
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RE: Password sharing - 7/14/2008 4:22:17 PM
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Consecrated2God
Posts: 5167
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quote:
The point I felt was odd is that he wants access to things - like the medical records - that he truly has no business near to begin with.
I doubt he wants access to the medical records.
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RE: Password sharing - 7/14/2008 5:10:32 PM
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GroupW
Posts: 2713
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Consecrated2God
quote:
The point I felt was odd is that he wants access to things - like the medical records - that he truly has no business near to begin with.
I doubt he wants access to the medical records.
Probably not, but there are legal and business policy issues at stake there. I would consult your IT department or your computer use policies before sharing any passwords. You may need to consider separating your business use and personal use onto separate computers to make sure that you aren't violating a company policy there somewhere.
Just a thought.
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“For every problem, there is a solution that is simple, elegant and wrong.” -H.L. Mencken
"Most people would rather die than think; in fact, they do so." -Bertrand Russell
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RE: Password sharing - 7/14/2008 5:20:44 PM
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Consecrated2God
Posts: 5167
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quote:
Probably not, but there are legal and business policy issues at stake there. I would consult your IT department or your computer use policies before sharing any passwords. You may need to consider separating your business use and personal use onto separate computers to make sure that you aren't violating a company policy there somewhere.
Just a thought.
I understand that there are legal issues she needs to deal with. I'm just saying that as to his motivation, he's probably interested in the journal, not the medical records.
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RE: Password sharing - 7/14/2008 5:53:17 PM
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GroupW
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Consecrated2God
quote:
Probably not, but there are legal and business policy issues at stake there. I would consult your IT department or your computer use policies before sharing any passwords. You may need to consider separating your business use and personal use onto separate computers to make sure that you aren't violating a company policy there somewhere.
Just a thought.
I understand that there are legal issues she needs to deal with. I'm just saying that as to his motivation, he's probably interested in the journal, not the medical records.
I hear you. The comment was directed more at the OP. As a sr mgr at a life insurance company, I am a little over-sensitive on the data security issue 
_____________________________
“For every problem, there is a solution that is simple, elegant and wrong.” -H.L. Mencken
"Most people would rather die than think; in fact, they do so." -Bertrand Russell
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RE: Password sharing - 7/14/2008 9:12:05 PM
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shadowspring
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Maybe he's not even interested in the journal. Maybe he's just interested in whether or not she is hiding something.
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"Blessed is the man...whose delight is in the law of the Lord, and in His law meditates day and night. He will be like a tree planted by rivers of water..." from Psalm 1
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RE: Password sharing - 7/17/2008 10:24:50 AM
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MisterTR
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People have made some good points, and I'm kind of late to the party. I wanted to share my thoughts since I have a similar situation right now.
I can sympathize with your husband, and we probably share some of the same feelings. I continue to struggle against the tendency to be controlling and jealous. I'm afraid if I don't have access to my wife's e-mail, she will find someone else and leave me. That fear is hard to overcome, although I'm learning to be less controlling and more trusting. My wife tells people (in person and in e-mails) to use her private e-mail account on anything that needs to be private, rather than our shared e-mail account, which leads me to want to find out what can't be shared with me.
I've glanced at my wife sending and receiving flirtacious messages to/from other men when I've walked by the computer in the past couple years, and my wife dismissed my concerns and said it was no big deal. We have our computer in the main living space, so none of us have complete privacy. She recently admitted that one of the online relationships evolved into phone sex and sexual online activity. I know in my head that monitoring all her computer and phone activity is not possible nor would it make our marriage more safe, but I still have the urge to snoop. To some extent I just don't trust her yet. When she accidentally leaves herself logged in, I usually just log out for her. I have snooped a couple times, though, and I always have the urge to see if there is something she is not telling me. I've never snooped in her main e-mail account, though. It's password protected, and when she has left it open, I've closed it out without looking at any messages. So that main e-mail account continues to taunt me in a way.
After looking at this thread, I asked my wife about the possibility of having her share her password with me. I don't think she is hiding things from me anymore, but a part of me is suspicious. My wife has promised not to contact the person with whom she had the sexual relationship, and is giving me copies of any personal e-mails she sends to other men when there's been excessive flirting or fantasizing in the past. So we've compromised on some things. She just doesn't want to give up privacy on her main e-mail account. She tends to sort through things better in writing, and uses e-mail instead of the phone to talk to many of her friends. She said it would feel similar to having to keep the bathroom door open, or having to give me transcripts of every telephone call she makes. Having privacy on her e-mail account is important to her, helping her maintain some dignity and space. She would be resentful to give that up.
Another issue is that the messages are work related and from friends, and really not intended for me. That's a good point, too, but the main reason is the more personal reasons outlined above.
After hearing her feelings on this, I don't have such a negative reaction when I go in to our shared e-mail account, and see her password-protected personal account right next to it. I still struggle, but at least I understand her wanting to have some privacy to be herself and not have to be guarded about everything she says, not having to worry what I would think or feel. It allows her to have some private conversations with others, and that is certainly legitimate. I'm not pressuring her to give me the password, and I am trying to embrace this private space as a visible sign of my growing love and trust, and to allow her to be herself. I agree that a healthy marriage relationship still allows for privacy. It's not easy, though.
While our situation is different, I'm sure my wife and I are both experiencing some of the same things you and your husband are experiencing. Hope it works out for you.
< Message edited by MisterTR -- 7/17/2008 11:06:19 AM >
_____________________________
"And we know that all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to his purpose." Romans 8:28
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RE: Password sharing - 7/17/2008 10:59:12 AM
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Covaan_Meshuga
Posts: 3509
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When my husband had access to my computer, it never occurred to me to worry about it. It just seems that common sense would tell one living in close relationship with another that there are certain things that are private/personal about the other, unless given specific permission to cross that boundary. I guess there is no such thing, and within each relationship, the other person needs to be told what is acceptable/unacceptable.
I do not think that my marriage relationship is at all diminished by the fact that I have some privacy within it and that I recognize his privacy.
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Abiyah
"Ladies and gentlemen, there are things that you will only be able to learn by the weakest among us, and when you snuff them out, you are the one that loses." ~~Gianna Jesson, 1977 LA, CA, saline abortion survivor
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RE: Password sharing - 7/17/2008 11:23:18 AM
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bzirk
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From: Where the deer and antelope play
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When I worked for someone else and had a computer from that business in my home, I dealt with unannounced products, and I had to be very careful. My husband understood that because I explained it to him; I talked to him and he responded; I communicated with him.
I don't know what's going on with the origianl poster's situation, but communication is always a good thing -- even if it's difficult to do, i.e., work through. What's really a stumbling block to a relatinoship is to make assumptions. Oh, some can be made, but frankly, they ought to be kept at a minimum, because they're a hindrance to good communications.
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Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus (Romans 8:1)
Great quote: I just ain't God and don't know it all. -- SonInMe1
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RE: Password sharing - 7/21/2008 1:47:29 PM
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beautifullucy
Posts: 19
Joined: 7/21/2008
From: Dallas, TX
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Wow! My husband and I share everything. He knows my passwords and I know his. Why should there be secrets in a marriage? When you married him, didn't you become One? My advice would be to talk to him about it and let him know how you feel. Maybe the two of you can come up with a compromise!
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RE: Password sharing - 7/21/2008 4:25:27 PM
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karlie
Posts: 16923
Joined: 4/10/2005
From: Central California
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We don't have each other's passwords(unless they are shared things like banking, etc), because we've never thought to ask! It never occurred to me that I need a list of his personal passwords, and he has never implied that he wanted mine either. It's never even crossed my mind.
If he asked me for them, I'd give them to him in a heartbeat. I have nothing to hide and it wouldn't be worth making him wonder if I did. And I have complete confidence that he'd give me his too. In fact, I do have his email password, mainly because I was the one who set it up for him a few months ago. He had never emailed or had any interest in it before, then a few ministries decided email communication was easier, so we got him an account.
Anyway, it has nothing to do with me not wanting him to have them...it's just never occurred to me that he would want them. He's never asked for them, or ever even asked about anything I email or talk about. I'd give them to him in an instant if he asked, but, I have to say, I'm very thankful for the level of trust in our marriage that we don't feel threatened by not having total access to everything.
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RE: Password sharing - 7/21/2008 9:43:33 PM
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joeysei
Posts: 13
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Hiding things from your spouse to any degree is opening a door for the enemy to enter your marraige. If there is something going on that you feel you have to hide, it's most likely time for a good one on one with Jesus. "...and the two shall become one flesh". Also letting the sun go down on your anger, (dissapointment, frustration, etc.) is another way to give place to the devil. Break out the folgers and get to the kitchen table and talk it out before you close your eyes holding on to that thing, then it won't become something you have to keep to yourself and journal about in secret. Secrets from your spouse in any shape or form, no matter how small are breeding ground for much bigger problems. From a small thing, births much larger things like, rebellion, deception, and other things that all start in your "heart" (mind).
That's where the devil tries to snare you. James 1:15 explains "Then, when desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, brings forth death." The temptation to write things that may hurt your spouse, was the desire. Since you posted this on July 13th, I am willing to conjecture there has already been some backlash and walls may be being built. I understand in recent culture journaling is an excepted medium to track feelings and daily life choices, prayers etc. But from what I have experienced, I think the "Prayer Closet" is a better solution. There is a record kept, and you are seeking the one who made you and knows you better than you know yourself. The answers you recieve aren't arrived at by intellect, (reviewing your jounal entries to seek an answer or see a pattern, etc.) but are recieved in faith from our maker, "whose thoughts are higher than our thoughts and ways are higher than our ways". Trust and obey the Lord is the road to blessing. I also suggest you review what "Consecrated2God" has responded with. The truth is always what sets you free. Bless the Holy name of Jesus
< Message edited by joeysei -- 7/23/2008 1:24:46 AM >
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RE: Password sharing - 7/21/2008 10:51:23 PM
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hnt
Posts: 527
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quote:
The temptation to write things that may hurt your spouse, was the desire. Since you posted this on July 13th.
I believe the poster mentioned more than things than what you call 'desire'. She mentioned she wrote stories, etc as well. Alot of authors don't like their items read, until they are almost near completion.
quote:
I understand in recent culture journaling is an excepted medium to track feelings and daily life choices, prayers etc.
 Recent Culture? People have been journaling forever! When you are younger its called your diary - boys call it journal - and adults call it journaling.! You don't always write for intelligent either. We have learned alot from famous ones, and the journals they felt behind about history and all kinds of things. You also write things down to remember events, etc. You write about life, your children, etc. Alot of people call it personal, and most people respect that. Access or not! They realize the boundary there.
I don't know. It seems people are adding to the story since it wasn't said or present. I think of many relationships - including my own - if a husband angerily asked for these things I think I would want to know WHY he is mad, before assuming the rest. It also could be a case of a misunderstanding, and that could also be resolved by asking questions after he calms down. Alot of strange things happen over misunderstandings. If you look at history itself - you see it happens all the time.
I don't know for me I would rather know more than just assuming the worse. Could it be resolved by allowing him access? I'm sure, but you don't always have to do that if you find it WHY he wants to beforehand! You clear things up, and he may not want it anymore!
Stranger things have happened!
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h
Emotional abuse and Faith
Reaching for IT!!!!!!
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RE: Password sharing - 7/22/2008 2:05:33 PM
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vahunter70
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What I must ask in this context is why has no one remembered that wives are to be subject to the leadership of their husbands?
This is a Biblical requirement for a marriage to be inline with what God intends for us all to have - which is a relationship here on earth with the person whom He has given us to cherish that is representative of the Glory that God deserves.
Even if I don't agree with the direction in which my husband chooses to lead us, as long as his decision is neither illegal nor immoral against the Law of God, then I must be willing to submit to his authority in any given matter.
No, this is not a popular position to take today - considering how much the world's outside influences have corrupted the view of a "good marriage".
But, God didn't put me on this earth to be part of the "in crowd" either.
The short of it, because much of what's already been said regarding the issue is completely correct, is that we, as wives, should honor the requests of our husbands.
Oh yes, I am prepared for the backlash. But please, read Ephesians 4-5 and a good amount of the book of Romans prior to attempting to hand me my hide.
Virginia
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RE: Password sharing - 7/22/2008 2:41:10 PM
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karlie
Posts: 16923
Joined: 4/10/2005
From: Central California
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Attention: Moderator's Note:
Just a reminder that any discussion about submission, or men and women's roles in the home may only be discussed in the One Stop thread, which is linked below. Thanks!
Men/Women roles in the home - One Stop Thread
Please do not reply to this message within the Community, or send me PMs regarding this.
Please email Community@salemwebnetwork.com with questions, comments, or concerns.
Sincerely,
Karlie
Forums Moderator
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You can't stop the waves, but you can learn how to surf.
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RE: Password sharing - 7/22/2008 3:42:05 PM
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buckifn
Posts: 1702
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mixing your personal thoughts with your work files on one computer is a very dangerous thing to do..and a very bad ethical choice imo.
I would never dream of posting personal info about my clients on my personal computer..and we share the same passwords, accounts, access to everything at home..but work is totally absolutely different and my spouse would not ever ask for client information. That is a serious boundary that should not be crossed for anyone imo.
You could possibly lose your job for allowing that..do you realize that?
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RE: Password sharing - 7/22/2008 3:56:15 PM
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laura...
Posts: 2778
Joined: 3/1/2005
From: NE Ohio
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quote:
You could possibly lose your job for allowing that..do you realize that?
You can go to jail for that.
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This is what the Lord says: “Stop at the crossroads and look around. Ask for the old, godly way, and walk in it. Travel its path, and you will find rest for your souls. But you reply, ‘No, that’s not the road we want!’ Jer 6:16
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RE: Password sharing - 7/22/2008 8:41:28 PM
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bzirk
Posts: 3074
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From: Where the deer and antelope play
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It's true that violation of hipaa (the act which imposed the privacy requirements for patient information) can possibly bring ciminal penalities, but that usually doesn't happen when there is no intent to breach someone's privacy or harm them such as in the Brittany Spears case where her records were snooped on by hospital employees. But certainly someone can suffer a fine from the feds or invite a lawsuit for themselves or the company they work for and as a result lose their job if they are careless with patient information. That is a more likely reality.
_____________________________
Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus (Romans 8:1)
Great quote: I just ain't God and don't know it all. -- SonInMe1
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RE: Password sharing - 7/22/2008 9:13:41 PM
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Sideways
Posts: 3271
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quote:
ORIGINAL: vahunter70
Even if I don't agree with the direction in which my husband chooses to lead us, as long as his decision is neither illegal nor immoral against the Law of God, then I must be willing to submit to his authority in any given matter.
The husband requesting access to patient records is both illegal and immoral. Asking for access to her personal journal and stories is up for debate about the morality of it.
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Don't ascribe to malice what could simply be incompetence.
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RE: Password sharing - 7/22/2008 9:43:29 PM
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buckifn
Posts: 1702
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It's true about the entire legal aspect, which I wasn't really thinking about at first...but I guess my first question was is it actually a computer that belongs to your work, or a personal computer that you added work stuff to?
I know that on a work computer (belongs to company) even email is not considered private. So I guess you have 2 entirely different subjects to consider.
1 level of trust and privacy within your marriage and
2 boundaries between work material and personal material
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RE: Password sharing - 7/23/2008 1:33:23 AM
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joeysei
Posts: 13
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original reply from "hnt" quote:
"I believe the poster mentioned more than things than what you call 'desire'. She mentioned she wrote stories, etc as well. Alot of authors don't like their items read, until they are almost near completion."
[response] Actualy, what ever else is mentioned was not the point I was speaking to, it is written to what was felt needs to be hidden.
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quote:
I understand in recent culture journaling is an excepted medium ...
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[response] and yes you are right journals of one form or another have been around for quite some time, I simply am saying the weight modern culture puts on the need for these things rather than seeking God for comfort and answers as a better alternative
< Message edited by joeysei -- 7/23/2008 1:47:24 AM >
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RE: Password sharing - 7/23/2008 11:18:53 AM
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hnt
Posts: 527
Joined: 4/11/2005
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Well - that sounds more like opinion. That's okay tho! Your welcome to them!
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Emotional abuse and Faith
Reaching for IT!!!!!!
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RE: Password sharing - 7/25/2008 5:43:46 PM
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shadowspring
Posts: 1612
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quote:
The husband requesting access to patient records is both illegal and immoral. Asking for access to her personal journal and stories is up for debate about the morality of it.
Sideways, the OP never said her husband wanted access to her patient records. He asked for the password to her laptop, her personal laptop, within which she (riskily if not unethically, considering how easy it is for someone to steal a laptop) has ALSO stored confidential patient information.
There is no reason to assume WHY he wanted this info. It could've been as simple as hers was the closest computer and he wanted to check his on-line banking or google a Chinese restaurant's phone number.
Whatever the cause, she was offended he asked. He was offended she wouldn't share the info.
This would just never happen at our house. The laptop owner would probably go and type in the password for the other spouse and that would be the end of it.
_____________________________
"Blessed is the man...whose delight is in the law of the Lord, and in His law meditates day and night. He will be like a tree planted by rivers of water..." from Psalm 1
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RE: Password sharing - 7/26/2008 8:36:45 AM
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Consecrated2God
Posts: 5167
Joined: 4/4/2005
From: Jesus Land
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quote:
This would just never happen at our house.
There's only one password I have that I don't share with my husband, and that's the one to the filtering software. He doesn't want access to that one. It's a program called Naomi, and if something catches the filter the whole browser just shuts down. If he's doing something online and it shuts down, he'll ask me to take the filter off for him.
Other than that, we have about four different passwords we use for everything else, and we both know them all. The kids don't know them, though.
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