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Need help with 18 y/o daughter and her finances - 7/17/2008 9:21:39 AM
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crownofbeauty
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I need help/suggestions with how to help my 18 y/o daughter with her finances. Basically, she doesn’t take care of her own money. She is starting college at our local community college next month, so she will be home and I am desperate with how to help someone who doesn’t care about her money.
Here are some of the details…..She has a checking and savings account at the same bank as we do and they are linked together, so I have access to her money. But, she also has her own logon to her accounts without being able to view “our accounts”.
She works part-time and has her paycheck direct deposited into her checking account. She doesn’t always pick up her pay stub and when she doesn’t get her pay stub, she never bothers to look online to see what her paycheck amount was.
She is to pay us for her car insurance and cell phone bill each month. I transfer the money out of her account into our account…..or she will never do it herself. She doesn’t even want me to tell her when I am taking the money from her account. She is responsible for paying for her own gas and also some of her own toiletry items and she will buy herself clothes as well. She uses her debit card for these purchases, but then never goes to her account online to check the balance. (I know she has enough money…but she never looks!)
We have an older daughter that is married and she was never this way. My DH and I are very responsible with our money. She doesn’t overspend her money and she does want to save. She’s trying to save for a car, but she has no plan really for her savings.
My DH says we should just hand it over to her and let her figure it out. But, I feel like she needs some guidance….and when I try, she doesn’t really want to listen or she is on her way out the door or has no time, etc. There is always some excuse.
I need help! I don’t want to enable her to be this way and it seems that is what I’m doing! Thanks!
_____________________________
Isaiah 61:3
...to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair...
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RE: Need help with 18 y/o daughter and her finances - 7/17/2008 9:27:58 AM
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daisies4u
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Stop taking care of this for her. She is old enough to do this herself. Don't transfer any money. Make her give you the money for her insurance and cell phone.
You may need to realize that not everyone does things the way you do. As long as she is not overdrawing her account, is this really a problem?
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RE: Need help with 18 y/o daughter and her finances - 7/17/2008 9:35:36 AM
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crownofbeauty
Posts: 127
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quote:
ORIGINAL: daisies4u
Stop taking care of this for her. She is old enough to do this herself. Don't transfer any money. Make her give you the money for her insurance and cell phone.
You may need to realize that not everyone does things the way you do. As long as she is not overdrawing her account, is this really a problem?
It's easy to say "make her give me the money", but how? If she doesn't care enough to do it, what consequence should there be? I'm the one that won't get the money if she doesn't do thisherself.
I do realize everyone doesn't do things how we do, but not checking your own balance in your accounts is not being responsible. Not checking them ever?! That is a problem and not being responsible.
_____________________________
Isaiah 61:3
...to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair...
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RE: Need help with 18 y/o daughter and her finances - 7/17/2008 9:55:50 AM
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creationtalk
Posts: 616
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Since your daughter is 18, she needs to start dealing with her money herself. What are the consequences if your daughter does overdraw her accounts FOR YOU? Since her account is linked to yours, will you have to pay fees if she doesn't handle the money responsibly? If yes, then get them disconnected so that they are not.
Does your daughter know HOW to balance a checkbook and do a budget? I'm not concerned about whether or not she does these things, but does she understand the mechanics? It's amazing the number of adults who do NOT know how to balance a checkbook or make a spending plan. Make sure she understands how to do these things. It's up to her whether or not she actually follows through, but she won't be able to do this even if she wants to if she doesn't know how.
Is the car connected to the car insurance in her name? I would start expecting her to pay you directly for the car insurance the first of the the month (say any time in the first 5 days). If she does not pay, then you get the car keys. If she must have the car to get to work, then limit her driving to only to and from work until she has paid.
For the cell phone, do the same. If she has not paid for the cell phone within a certain time period, take it away or suspend service until it is paid.
There are also resources for teens on the crown financial ministries website. They used to have a workbook for budgeting for teens. They still have one, but it's not the way I remember, so I don't know what it's like.
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RE: Need help with 18 y/o daughter and her finances - 7/17/2008 10:04:32 AM
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crownofbeauty
Posts: 127
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No, she doesn't know how to balance a checkbook or do a budget. I've tried to show her how to balance her checkbook, but she basically doesn't care to do it. In fact, she NEVER adjusts her checkbook balance on her paper checking register. This is what I mean when I say she doesn't know what her balance is and if she is withdrawing money and her paychecks are direct deposited...she never knows what she has or how to make a spending plan if she doesn't know what she has!
The car is in our name and the insurance in on our policy, so she is to pay us her portion. Those are good ideas for consequences.
I'll have to check out the crown website...but then again, it's me checking and not her. Should I really even bother? Or give her the resource and if she doesn't care to look or care about her money...just let her go and let her learn her own lessons?
_____________________________
Isaiah 61:3
...to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair...
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RE: Need help with 18 y/o daughter and her finances - 7/17/2008 10:30:53 AM
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NoShow
Posts: 431
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quote:
ORIGINAL: crownofbeauty
My DH says we should just hand it over to her and let her figure it out.
I disagree with this. Because for much of my adult life (I'm currently in my late forties), I've had peers come to me for guidance on personal finance. A lot of people can't "figure it out" on their own.
quote:
But, I feel like she needs some guidance….and when I try, she doesn’t really want to listen or she is on her way out the door or has no time, etc. There is always some excuse.
Then time needs to be "made". Explain to her that this isn't about money as much as it's about being responsible and possibly creating opportunities down the road. Set up weekly "appointments" with each other, probably can be 15-20 minutes, where you go over the basics and have her "make" current payments.
quote:
She doesn’t overspend her money and she does want to save. She’s trying to save for a car, but she has no plan really for her savings.
Help her see that saving up for a car can be way better than making payments on a car. Get her started now and she'll reap the rewards going forward.
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RE: Need help with 18 y/o daughter and her finances - 7/17/2008 10:57:49 AM
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stellaluna
Posts: 4012
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quote:
ORIGINAL: crownofbeauty
It's easy to say "make her give me the money", but how? If she doesn't care enough to do it, what consequence should there be? I'm the one that won't get the money if she doesn't do thisherself.
I do realize everyone doesn't do things how we do, but not checking your own balance in your accounts is not being responsible. Not checking them ever?! That is a problem and not being responsible.
If I don't pay my cell phone bill, I don't have service. If you didn't pay your cell phone bill, you wouldn't have service. Remove her from your plan if she doesn't pay. Then she can worry about it herself.
You aren't doing her any favors by not teaching her there are financial consequences for poor financial actions. How long do you plan to do this sort of thing for her? Until she's 20? 25? 35?
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I'm tired of signatures.
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RE: Need help with 18 y/o daughter and her finances - 7/17/2008 11:01:01 AM
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crownofbeauty
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I can't remove her from my cell phone plan without paying a $199 penalty for canceling the contract before it's up. When this contract is over (less than 2 years), we plan to let her go on her own. The only option would be to take her cell phone away if she is late in paying us and not return her phone until she pays.
_____________________________
Isaiah 61:3
...to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair...
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RE: Need help with 18 y/o daughter and her finances - 7/17/2008 11:03:57 AM
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stellaluna
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Well, there you go.
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RE: Need help with 18 y/o daughter and her finances - 7/17/2008 1:10:30 PM
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Auben
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Your job is to give her the knowledge, then let her go and let her figure out the details about what works for her.
Make an appointment where the two of you can tutor her. Stop doing things for her. Let her know, and experience if necessary, the consequences. Some people need time and experience to figure it out.
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Tamara
~Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time~
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RE: Need help with 18 y/o daughter and her finances - 7/17/2008 1:15:16 PM
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crownofbeauty
Posts: 127
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Auben
Your job is to give her the knowledge, then let her go and let her figure out the details about what works for her.
Make an appointment where the two of you can tutor her. Stop doing things for her. Let her know, and experience if necessary, the consequences. Some people need time and experience to figure it out.
I just called my DH to tell him that we need to sit down together to make a plan and schedule on how to help her with her finances. I realize she needs the tools and I need my DH to help with this as well. It just wasn't working with me trying to take care of this alone and our daugther getting frustrated with me all the time. We need a plan for her to follow and for her to follow through!
_____________________________
Isaiah 61:3
...to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair...
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RE: Need help with 18 y/o daughter and her finances - 7/17/2008 1:51:10 PM
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Miss Giggles
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From: MI
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I was taught the checkbook register, etc. I didn't want to listen then.
It's something she needs to learn on her own. If she doesn't pay she needs to pay the late fees, etc. She's an adult.
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RE: Need help with 18 y/o daughter and her finances - 7/17/2008 1:52:28 PM
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Sadey
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Give her dates when she has to pay you. If she doesn't, no cell phone, since it is your cell phone and no car. Not just getting to go to and from work, NO CAR. I can't drive if I don't pay for my insurance and neither can you or your husband. In the real world we have to take care of our responsibilities. I think you are on the right track. Sit her down spell it all out and then let her go. That will be the hard part for you and I know how painful it is to let go and let your kids fall flat on their faces. But we have to do it sometime.
It would also be helpful to let her find out on her own how much insurance would cost her for just her own policy. THat should wake her up.
I feel sorry that you have to live with her while doing this, that makes it harder on you, I know, the old knot in the pit of the stomach. So you do havel lots of folks feeling your pain.
God Bless
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RE: Need help with 18 y/o daughter and her finances - 7/17/2008 2:39:25 PM
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relady
Posts: 1037
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From: Greater St. Louis Metro
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quote:
In fact, she NEVER adjusts her checkbook balance on her paper checking register. I have not kept a paper check register or "balanced" my "checkbook" since I started online banking. I do check the account frequently so that I can see what has posted, etc., but with online banking there really is no need for the paper register and balancing, etc.
The fact that she never seems to check her balance or what's being posted would worry me, but my 23 year old son doesn't really keep too close track of his either. That drives me crazy, but oh well.
Good luck with this. Getting her to change her ways and remember to pay you after having taken care of it for her for so long may be a long hill to climb.
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RE: Need help with 18 y/o daughter and her finances - 7/17/2008 2:56:14 PM
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daisies4u
Posts: 214
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quote:
Your job is to give her the knowledge, then let her go and let her figure out the details about what works for her.
This is SO true. You do need to make sure that she knows how to do. Then, whether or not she chooses to do it is up to her.
I agree with everyone else. You can't "make" her pay you, but you can take her phone and car away. I would make sure she knows this up front though. You'll avoid a blow up if she knows what the consequences to her actions will be.
I would also add, if she does pay you late; after a couple of times of her doing this, I would pull the phone and keys for a certain amount of time. Like maybe 30 days until she could earn them back. This is biggest thing that I think our kids need to learn. And is SO beneficial to them. And that is that there are consequences to their actions. Just telling someone semething doesn't necessarily "teach' them anything. Most people learn from "doing".
BTW - you are on the right track for you and your husband to sit down together with her.
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RE: Need help with 18 y/o daughter and her finances - 7/17/2008 4:22:33 PM
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crownofbeauty
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I taught our oldest daughter (who is 20) how to balance her checking account with her statement, but she never did do it. She just kept track of her balance online. She even works in a bank now and still only keeps track of her balance online. She's married now, but I've never had any concerns about her keeping track of her finances in the past. It seems that most of the younger generation do not balance to their statement each month, but keep track of it online.
I have started to just keep track of my balance online as well. I keep a paper register with me in my checkbook and keep that current and I check it off online and make sure I balance.
I know I can't make our daughter keep track of her balance online...but it will drive me crazy because I see her account balances every time I log into my accounts. This is why it was just easy for me to transfer the money from her account to mine for the car insurance and cell phone bill.
We will come up with a plan so I'm not stressed about this! Btw, she has only had this checking account for less than a year, so she has not had much experience with it.
_____________________________
Isaiah 61:3
...to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair...
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RE: Need help with 18 y/o daughter and her finances - 7/18/2008 9:43:18 AM
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pbaribeault
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If your daughter's bank balance is fine, and she knows it, then I'm not sure why she should "check" it. I don't. I have a spending plan and stick to it. I know that my funds are adequate to my plan, and have not encountered a problems using debit without checkbook style notation. Nobody needs to check their balance if they make $250 and spend $150... the mental math on that is pretty easy.
All my bill auto-pay, including my insurance. My insurance company reaches into my account and takes the money they deserve on the day they deserve it, as does my cell phone company. I have not 'paid a bill' in over 4 years. In fact, I rarely notice that they get paid because it happens without fail and so regularly. My bank also automatically transfers set amounts into my savings & generosity accounts. So, if you are tired of making a transfer yourself to pay a bill, then request that your daughter set up an automatic monthly transfer from her account to yours. She'd probably be happy to save you the work, and when she gets her own bills, she'll probably set them up for auto-pay and never notice them just the same as she does now.
Friend, this is post-modern banking and it works just fine. In fact my bank, who is up to date with this style of banking does not even send paper statements unless you specifically request them. I don't. I'm content with my system. And your daughter seems content with hers. If she ever overdraws, she'll get hit with a fee, and then she'll watch a little closer.
One thing I would present to her as an idea is, since her income exceeds her expenses, to set up a savings account and have some amount automatically set aside into it from each pay check. This would help her build up a nest-egg, as well as it would run her checking account closer to the line, encouraging her away from the not needing to pay much attention stance, because she has plenty to cover whatever small purchases she makes. That would be a much more important part of sound financial planning (the idea that not everything you make is for spending) than the archaic skill of checkbook style paper balancing.
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RE: Need help with 18 y/o daughter and her finances - 7/18/2008 12:24:06 PM
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crownofbeauty
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pbaribeault,
I understand what you are saying about doing the mental math, but she can't possibly even do the mental math if she doesn't even bother to pick up her paystub to know what was direct deposited into her account or look online to know what was deposited. She works varied hours, so her paychecks are not the same each pay period. She needs to take some responsibility with her money. She was paid last Friday and has yet to know what her paycheck was.
She does have a savings account. Her money is direct deposited into her checking account. She has NEVER transferred money from her checking to her savings. I have done that for her, but I stopped over the last few weeks. I want her to take responsibility for saving.
I understand about paying everything online. I do that myself. I don't like auto transfer for myself because I like to decide when my money is going out.However, for someone like my daughter, she would probably benefit from that.
_____________________________
Isaiah 61:3
...to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair...
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RE: Need help with 18 y/o daughter and her finances - 7/18/2008 12:33:06 PM
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Jenny-Fair
Posts: 6936
Joined: 4/11/2005
From: WA
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The solution, IMO, is very simple.
Remove yourself from her accounts. This is for two reasons--the first is that she is going to ruin your credit. The second is that she is now an adult and needs to take care of her own business, and it is very easy for her to refuse to grow up when her mother is still doing her work for her!
If she won't pay you for the car or the cell phone, shut off the phone and take away the keys to the car.
After you have done these things and refused to clean up any messes that she makes, trust me, she WILL CARE.
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Ziva: It is possible. I do not remember all their names.
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RE: Need help with 18 y/o daughter and her finances - 7/18/2008 12:54:27 PM
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daisies4u
Posts: 214
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quote:
She was paid last Friday and has yet to know what her paycheck was
Now, that is just irresponsible. What if they got her hours wrong and underpaid her? That is part of becoming a mature adult. She needs to check up on these things and not "assume" she is being treated fairly.
I am changing my mind. It sounds like she may be a little lazy. Sorry. But still, you can't force her to do it. She may have to fall on her face a time or to before she learns a lesson here.
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RE: Need help with 18 y/o daughter and her finances - 7/18/2008 1:44:01 PM
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blessedinnyc
Posts: 1816
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quote:
ORIGINAL: crownofbeauty
I need help/suggestions with how to help my 18 y/o daughter with her finances. Basically, she doesn’t take care of her own money. She is starting college at our local community college next month, so she will be home and I am desperate with how to help someone who doesn’t care about her money.
Here are some of the details…..She has a checking and savings account at the same bank as we do and they are linked together, so I have access to her money. But, she also has her own logon to her accounts without being able to view “our accounts”.
She works part-time and has her paycheck direct deposited into her checking account. She doesn’t always pick up her pay stub and when she doesn’t get her pay stub, she never bothers to look online to see what her paycheck amount was.
She is to pay us for her car insurance and cell phone bill each month. I transfer the money out of her account into our account…..or she will never do it herself. She doesn’t even want me to tell her when I am taking the money from her account. She is responsible for paying for her own gas and also some of her own toiletry items and she will buy herself clothes as well. She uses her debit card for these purchases, but then never goes to her account online to check the balance. (I know she has enough money…but she never looks!)
We have an older daughter that is married and she was never this way. My DH and I are very responsible with our money. She doesn’t overspend her money and she does want to save. She’s trying to save for a car, but she has no plan really for her savings.
My DH says we should just hand it over to her and let her figure it out. But, I feel like she needs some guidance….and when I try, she doesn’t really want to listen or she is on her way out the door or has no time, etc. There is always some excuse.
I need help! I don’t want to enable her to be this way and it seems that is what I’m doing! Thanks!
Tell her that you are closing the bank account and that she needs to get an account on her own. This way, your name won't be on the account when she bounces a check.
You have done your best to teach her the easy way, but it appears that she will have to learn the hard way.
As for me, my rule is to simply not write checks. I have a bank that gives me an ATM card that they guarantee won't overdraw my account, and I pay for most things via debit or cash. Utilities get paid by EFT. Every month, I have to pay my landlord via a postal money order, but that's really about it. (The money order costs $1.10- it's the postage that costs me money, as I need to send via priority mail to get delivery confirmation.)
I know how to balance a checkbook, but I've never really had to. It's just easier to pay via debit and check my balance every few days- or when I'm about to make a big purchase.
She will probably settle into something like this- a way to be somewhat responsible with minimal organization.
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RE: Need help with 18 y/o daughter and her finances - 7/18/2008 1:54:42 PM
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blessedinnyc
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quote:
ORIGINAL: daisies4u
quote:
She was paid last Friday and has yet to know what her paycheck was
Now, that is just irresponsible. What if they got her hours wrong and underpaid her? That is part of becoming a mature adult. She needs to check up on these things and not "assume" she is being treated fairly.
I am changing my mind. It sounds like she may be a little lazy. Sorry. But still, you can't force her to do it. She may have to fall on her face a time or to before she learns a lesson here.
Does she not know what the exact amount is? Or is this a case where she's not even sure if any money has been deposited in her account?
When I was in high school and college, my employer could have easily shorted me 5-10% of my paycheck without me noticing, and I don't think I'd be able to remember more than one or two significant figures of the number (IE: if I got a $243 paycheck, I'd remember it as "about $200"). I think most people are like that, even if they have ultra-responsible parents.
Do your daughter a favor and convince her to get an account at a local credit union. At the very least, they'll only charge $20/transaction in overdraft fees instead of $35 at a large bank like Chase or Citigroup. That way, she'll get a 40% discount on her lesson on keeping track of your account balance.
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RE: Need help with 18 y/o daughter and her finances - 7/18/2008 2:16:42 PM
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crownofbeauty
Posts: 127
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She doesn't know what the amount was of her paycheck (I know what it was because I looked), and she doesn't pay attention to when the direct deposits are because she doesn't check online. It's every 2 weeks though. The thing about picking up her paystubs is that where she works, they are horrible about giving them out. They don't seem to have a specific place for the employees to get them and don't make sure the employees get them. This is a well known restaurant chain that I'm sure most you have have eaten bagels at... They were even bad about giving out the paper checks when she wasn't getting direct deposit, and that is why she switched to direct deposit.
But, then she hasn't been persistent about getting her paystub either....so...it could be partially forgetfulness and not caring enough to get it.
The reason she is linked to our account is because we opened the account when she was a minor. She could get her own account at another bank, but I don't think that will solve the problem. We need to get to the root of why she doesn't care and to help her with her responsibilities.
_____________________________
Isaiah 61:3
...to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair...
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RE: Need help with 18 y/o daughter and her finances - 7/18/2008 2:20:39 PM
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Jenny-Fair
Posts: 6936
Joined: 4/11/2005
From: WA
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quote:
The reason she is linked to our account is because we opened the account when she was a minor. She could get her own account at another bank, but I don't think that will solve the problem. We need to get to the root of why she doesn't care and to help her with her responsibilities. She doesn't care, because she doesn't HAVE TO care, because she knows Mommy is her safety net. That is why we are saying to get out of her finances--because then she will learn, fast, to care, when she suffers the consequences of not caring.
_____________________________
Tony: Ziva, did you kill Houdini?
Ziva: It is possible. I do not remember all their names.
My Blog
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RE: Need help with 18 y/o daughter and her finances - 7/18/2008 4:06:01 PM
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crownofbeauty
Posts: 127
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Jenny-Fair
quote:
The reason she is linked to our account is because we opened the account when she was a minor. She could get her own account at another bank, but I don't think that will solve the problem. We need to get to the root of why she doesn't care and to help her with her responsibilities. She doesn't care, because she doesn't HAVE TO care, because she knows Mommy is her safety net. That is why we are saying to get out of her finances--because then she will learn, fast, to care, when she suffers the consequences of not caring.
I understand what you are saying. I can still leave her finances alone even though she is at the same bank and let her know that it is her responsibility. I see no need to make her close her accounts and find another bank.
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Isaiah 61:3
...to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair...
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