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husband wants to be a swinger - 7/30/2008 12:48:04 AM
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ssintx
Posts: 3
Joined: 7/30/2008
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I have been married for 3 months. I dated my husband for a year. He never missed church and always tried to do the right thing. He feed the homeless and seemed to be a great christian man. He dose quiet time and has been studying the book of proverbs intensly. We rarely, I wanted more but he always said he wanted to concentrate on his walk with the Lord. That and physical problems, I just accepted it. I didn't go to church untill we met. I feel in love with him, he is handsome, accomplished, romantic, I thought I had it all...
We married faster than we wanted due to him getting a new job and having to move 400 miles away. I gave up almost everything I owned to be with him, moved not only myself but my 17 year old daughter. We got settled in and we got the internet. He had mentioned nudist resorts before but said its just natural and absolutly nothing sexual about going there. Well he recently brought up swinging and wanting to have 2 women at the same time. I reluctently went along with it, he placed ads on swinging sites. When he got responses, I was numb with fear. I became withdrawn and very quiet. He can always tell when something is wrong with me. He deleted everything and got mad at me, then he threw up things ive done in the past. I know there are threads on porn but this gose a bit further. I don't want to give up on my marriage. So many "coincidences" let us to being together. I don't know what to do. Help!!
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RE: husband wants to be a swinger - 7/30/2008 1:14:10 AM
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Hislittleone
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Is your husband a born again Christian? Are you? If so then you probably know that being physically, mentally or emotionally intimate with anyone other than your spouse is sin. Tell your husband that you refuse to participate in such an evil deed and that you are appalled he even suggested the idea. Then tell him you'd like to attend Christian counseling together.
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RE: husband wants to be a swinger - 7/30/2008 3:55:32 AM
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grace4theday
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Sometimes because we love our spouses we agree to do things that if we follow through with might be harmful to us. Bringing another person into your relationship and having sex with them with your husband or one on one is only going to bring your more problems and although you may feel like you are doing something to please him that may bring you closer together, in the end you have opened a Pandora’s box that has pain and regret written all over it. Since you two were married quickly I assume there were some things that you didn't know about him before you got married. Don't beat yourself up over it. Stand your ground and don't let him bully or guilt you into doing something that you are going to regret. You are playing around with your life literally. This is a door you don't want to open. You have got to put your foot down and no matter what he says or what tantrum he throws don't do it because you will regret it. God is love, peace, and joy. Recognize that this is not what God would want you to do. And don't listen to people that try to use the scripture that the marital bed is undefiled. Understand that this is meant strictly for the husband and the wife alone. Not adding others to it. I'll be praying for you.
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RE: husband wants to be a swinger - 7/30/2008 4:20:09 AM
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TorchHeart
Posts: 1117
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From: One of the coldest places on Earth
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I'm of the same mind, here. I don't see ANY way that this can be a good thing for your marriage, and its definitely not something God would want you to do. It sounds like your husband has some interesting sexual perversions to him. I would suggest maybe seeing a counciler together to get some of these worked out. Whatever you do, though, don't break your Christian morals just to please him. Stand your ground on this.
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RE: husband wants to be a swinger - 7/30/2008 5:44:51 AM
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buckifn
Posts: 1702
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quote:
This is a door you don't want to open.
I would say the two of you need to sit down and have an honest conversation about why your husband wants this and what it is he is really searching for. Is it purely a sexual fantasy, or are there other things beneath the surface?
How many qualities about your husband do you really know? Outter surface stuff or deep intimate spiritual and lifetime desires?
Is he mature enough to realize sexual passion is fleeting, but love, honor, and commitment within the marriage is of far more value?
I think you would be making a mistake to just slam the door on the subject and not use it as a bridge to a better understanding of your spouse and of God's plan for your marriage.
Does he take part in a men's group at your church, and are you part of a ladie's group for accountability, small studies, etc? The influence of Godly people can have a strong effect on your marriage.
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RE: husband wants to be a swinger - 7/30/2008 10:59:36 AM
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jaimestarcross
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*Those coincidences may have been "setups" to get you interested in him -
I see you mentioned him bringing up nudist resorts in the past and now he's mentioning wanting to have sex with 2 women(major Red Flags) ... he was testing the waters...(and you agreed to allow him to advertise for a sex partner!)
He knows your weaknesses and he's willing to push your buttons - so he can have his way! RUN!
(Don't ignore red flags!)
Get yourself and your daughter out of that situation!
The Bible tells us not to have nothing to do with someone who calls themselves a "brother" who's willing wants to engage in sexual sin!
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RE: husband wants to be a swinger - 7/30/2008 11:06:09 AM
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TorchHeart
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From: One of the coldest places on Earth
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That's an interesting point. What kind of "coincidences" are you talking about?
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RE: husband wants to be a swinger - 7/30/2008 11:07:01 AM
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bluestone
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If he wants to swing, I would have him swinging out the door with legal separation papers trailing his behind.
_____________________________
I need Christ. Not something that resembles Christ.
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RE: husband wants to be a swinger - 7/30/2008 11:48:15 AM
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MC4JC
Posts: 187
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IMO he deceived you with the marriage and the truth. No one all of a sudden after marriage brings up nudist camps/swinging. He was pretending to be a "Christian" and unfortunately there are many in the church that appear to be Christians but really are under Satan's control. Satan will plant these people in the church.
In this case, I would tell him that if he cannot be true to his vows, then he can leave and file divorce papers. I don't believe God would want you to be continuing this marriage.
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RE: husband wants to be a swinger - 7/30/2008 12:12:42 PM
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Kat_D
Posts: 3200
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quote:
I reluctently went along with it, he placed ads on swinging sites
You need to ask yourself what it is about you that made you agree to go along with something you knew to be absolutely wrong and harmful to your marriage. If he's intent on destroying your marriage, you don't need to be on his demolition team, KWIM?
You need to get a backbone and sit down and tell him in no uncertain terms that you will not partner with him in acts or actions that morally degrade, you, him, and the sanctiry of your marriage, not to mention that will separate both of you from God. End of story!
Oh, and P.S. - He may have looked like he was reading his Bible and listening in church, but I have to question his retention and application...he is obviously "a hearer of the Word and not a doer," and has completely missed the mark.
_____________________________
~Kat
"...And God will wipe away every tear from their eyes...no more death, sorrow, nor crying."
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RE: husband wants to be a swinger - 7/30/2008 1:09:16 PM
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3cappuccinosmom
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quote:
If he wants to swing, I would have him swinging out the door with legal separation papers trailing his behind.
I agree. What he wants to do is horrendous perversion.  Do not participate in it in any form, and tell him that he has a choice to make--marriage with you, or his disgusting interests. He cannot have both.
Kat put it very well. Sit down and make this very, very, very clear.
If he chooses marriage, you need to make some rules about how restoration can happen, and he needs to be absolutely, humbly, accepting of those rules. They would include counseling, maybe going to a weekend like the ones arranged by New Life Ministries , working through a book with a men's accountability group, etc.
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Shameless Self Promotion~This week's giveaway: For Young Men Only. Don't miss it!
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RE: husband wants to be a swinger - 7/30/2008 1:16:46 PM
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revbob4God
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quote:
If he wants to swing, I would have him swinging out the door with legal separation papers trailing his behind.
Amen bluestone.
Confronting is one thing but a mind bent on adultery is a hard mind to sway.
Sister, your health and safety is now on the table. People who swing subject themselves to angering God, forfeiting salvation and venereal disease. I cannot make that any plainer.
talk to your Preacher or Pastor, and then do everything you can to protect yourself and children, if any, and when you throw this pervert out of the home, remind him he will now have to budget alimony and child support into his sinful agenda, and if there are children, do not be the least bit charitable when you arrange supervised visitation because anybody who has turned to perversion should not be in a position to perhaps lead the children astray
_____________________________
For thus saith the Lord that created the heavens; God himself that formed the earth and made it; he hath established it, he created it not in vain, he formed it to be inhabited: I the Lord; and none else.
Isaiah 45:18
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RE: husband wants to be a swinger - 7/30/2008 1:19:06 PM
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revbob4God
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Sister do you have any idea what these moral reprobates do to people's daughters?
I will pray for you both.
Oops, guess there is no doubt now, Reverend Bob HATES adultery
_____________________________
For thus saith the Lord that created the heavens; God himself that formed the earth and made it; he hath established it, he created it not in vain, he formed it to be inhabited: I the Lord; and none else.
Isaiah 45:18
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RE: husband wants to be a swinger - 7/30/2008 2:15:06 PM
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DenimDiva
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ssintx- welcome to the boards! I will certainly be in prayer for you!
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RE: husband wants to be a swinger - 7/30/2008 2:30:12 PM
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crankius
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Honestly, I would flee. Quickly.
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Do not be overly righteous, Nor be overly wise: Why should you destroy yourself?
Ecclesiastes 7:16
He Himself is our peace! Ephesians 2:14:a
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RE: husband wants to be a swinger - 7/30/2008 2:33:37 PM
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TorchHeart
Posts: 1117
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quote:
ORIGINAL: revbob4God
Sister do you have any idea what these moral reprobates do to people's daughters?
Another good point. What kind of relationship does this man have with your daughter, currently? If he's willing to find other partners to have sex with and go into the perversions that he has, I'd kind of wonder if he has ever approached her about his fantasies.
Of course, I could be jumping to conclussions here, too.
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RE: husband wants to be a swinger - 7/30/2008 2:39:56 PM
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LoyalFriend
Posts: 153
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quote:
ORIGINAL: TorchHeart
I'm of the same mind, here. I don't see ANY way that this can be a good thing for your marriage, and its definitely not something God would want you to do. It sounds like your husband has some interesting sexual perversions to him. I would suggest maybe seeing a counciler together to get some of these worked out. Whatever you do, though, don't break your Christian morals just to please him. Stand your ground on this.
Agree totally!!! Stand firm with your faith and do not be moved!!!!
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RE: husband wants to be a swinger - 7/30/2008 2:48:33 PM
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bluestone
Posts: 2934
Joined: 2/25/2008
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People treat you the way you allow them too.
_____________________________
I need Christ. Not something that resembles Christ.
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RE: husband wants to be a swinger - 7/30/2008 3:08:39 PM
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dianetavegia
Posts: 2011
Joined: 8/23/2005
From: Southern Baptist, Non Calvinist, Pro Life Ga. girl
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ssintx said: quote:
He deleted everything and got mad at me, then he threw up things ive done in the past. I know there are threads on porn but this gose a bit further.
He knew about these 'goes a bit further than porn' things you've done previously, before you married, right? I wonder if he 'fell in love with you' because his perverted nature was looking for someone to be involved in a perverted lifestyle. He sought you out BECAUSE of the sins in your past.
This man has deceived you in many ways. I also agree your daughter might be in danger.
_____________________________
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RE: husband wants to be a swinger - 7/30/2008 4:09:29 PM
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jaimestarcross
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TorchHeart:
The "coincidences" she mentioned(but not in exact detail) are just things looking like they happened accidentally - some people say divinely inspired.
it could actually be he was creating situations where he could showcase himself
doing wonderful things for people when she happened to be around - and once she's interested he sets out to lull her into a false sense of security and she's in love(as OP stated. ) Then he mentions he's interested in nudist resorts and makes it out to be all innocent etc... then he goes further - *His main goal was to find a swinging partner!
*A lot has taken place in their 3 months of marriage!
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RE: husband wants to be a swinger - 7/30/2008 4:16:48 PM
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ssintx
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this is why he said he married me, because I am the wife described in the last chapter of proverbs. he is aware that what he wants to do gose against his christian beliefs. He says he has never done this before but has always wanted too. I made it very clear that I would be faithful to him, he is in the military reserves and there is always that chance for deployment so extended lengths of time apart is something we discussed. I never intended to go through with it, as for why I said I would, I wanted to see if he was serious, maybe he was testing me, I don't know. Im far from home and gave up so much to be with with him. Ive been raped twice, its hard to say no, what good dose that do? it didn't help me before. Thank you for the prayers, I need them badly.
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RE: husband wants to be a swinger - 7/30/2008 4:21:33 PM
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ssintx
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as far as the signs go. he was on orders to be somewhere else the day we met, I wasn't suppose to be doing a federal mission but I was. All the timing of things that led to the marriage. We prayed and prayed about it and felt led to be husband and wife. Its like he uses that to get in the mood, after we do, he tells me that he dosn't want to do that, but then a week or so later he brings it back up. and the fact that he went through with the ad's, he still said he wasn't sure about it. I belive he is a good man, maybe caught up in fantasy I don't know. Im beside myself right now.
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RE: husband wants to be a swinger - 7/30/2008 4:24:33 PM
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bluestone
Posts: 2934
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From: United States of America
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Do you have family you can depend on, or are you in a country far from your home?
_____________________________
I need Christ. Not something that resembles Christ.
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RE: husband wants to be a swinger - 7/30/2008 4:28:14 PM
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DenimDiva
Posts: 6313
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From: CA
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ssintx- I am so sorry that you are going through this. I would also be concerned about your 17 year old dd as well. Even if he never touches her and never puts her in a situation where someone else would..... she would be learning from a very bad example. I know there are different ideas on what Luke 17:2 says, but to me this is causing a little one to stumble.
Regarding the rape issues- have you sought help and support to work through that?
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RE: husband wants to be a swinger - 7/30/2008 4:43:25 PM
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TorchHeart
Posts: 1117
Joined: 6/4/2008
From: One of the coldest places on Earth
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quote:
ORIGINAL: jaimestarcross
TorchHeart:
The "coincidences" she mentioned(but not in exact detail) are just things looking like they happened accidentally - some people say divinely inspired.
it could actually be he was creating situations where he could showcase himself
doing wonderful things for people when she happened to be around - and once she's interested he sets out to lull her into a false sense of security and she's in love(as OP stated. ) Then he mentions he's interested in nudist resorts and makes it out to be all innocent etc... then he goes further - *His main goal was to find a swinging partner!
*A lot has taken place in their 3 months of marriage!
Yeah, I got that now. But thanks for pointing it out, anyway.
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