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RE: ZamDad's World - 5/14/2006 9:28:57 AM
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zamdad
Posts: 1032
Joined: 4/8/2005
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May 14, 2006
Friday afternoon I was struck with fear. I had class to go to Friday night and my class seemed to be where the anxiety was coming from. I searched my mind and found there was no basis for the fear I felt other than I did not feel like going to class. I have other worries that come into play with not only the class, but life itself. Finances are still a huge concern as our income was dramatically reduced when my wife lost her job and the price of gas has gone up. I misunderstood the cost of tuition when I signed up for the class and find that I still owe a hefty amount as class comes to a close. I have plenty to worry about, but what good does it do?
I search the scriptures and find that I am instructed not to worry. As I have grown in Christ, He gives me a peace that passes understanding. I know that I have to take action on my part to remedy my financial disorder, but I have to trust God to get me through this. I know His will for my life is to bear fruit and that in order to produce the kind of fruit He has for my life, He has to prune away the dead branches of the past.
The uneasiness I felt on Friday would be considered, by modern medical terms, an anxiety attack. I thank God that He has worked enough in my life to show me that He is in control and that the worry I want to do does me no good. Worry is to be controlled by fear which is like submission to Satan. When these thoughts of panic hit, I call on God and give them to Him. This does not mean I forget about the anxiety causing situation, I surrender my thoughts to God and take comfort in the fact that He controls all things.
Yesterday, as I was driving home, I got a call from a client. I’ll call him Mike. Mike was feeling down because of some events that happened last week. As a result, he cannot spend time with someone who is near and dear to him. Mike has been trying to get this other person to see how she is harming herself and destroying her relationship with her son. But, as Mike tries to fill her cup, his has run dry. I talked to him about joining a support group. The town he lives in has a great church that runs a weekly support group. He has gone off and on over the past couple of years. Yet, when things seem to be going good for him, he quits going. It’s almost as if he says to God, “Okay, thanks for fixing the last problem, I’ve got it from here.”
As I spoke with Mike, I encouraged him to commit to keep going to this support group. Even when things are going good, don’t stop attending. I also encouraged him to go to church today. Mike has a fear of crowds. As I thought about what I was encouraging Mike to do, I knew that he was experiencing anxiety. He has spoken to his doctor about the matter and the doctor’s solution is to give him a prescription. While the pills make him feel better, it does nothing to control the anxiety and conquer the fear.
I told Mike that he is allowing fear to control his life. He has submitted to fear throughout his adult life. Instead of facing a problem and trusting God to build character in him, he has sought out momentary comfort which does not allow him to find lasting peace. It seems to even fit the definition of insanity, doing the same thing expecting different results.
I encouraged him again to go to church today. I told him to call after church so he can boast that he went and that he conquered the fear that has been controlling him for years. I hope he calls this afternoon.
_____________________________
You can take the man out of Alaska, but you can't take Alaska out of the man.
Me
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RE: ZamDad's World - 5/21/2006 7:29:03 PM
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zamdad
Posts: 1032
Joined: 4/8/2005
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May 21, 2006
I find myself really down today. As I think about depression and the signs and symptoms, I may have it. But, I recognize where it comes from. I feel like the world is crashing in on me. Ever since my wife lost her job, money has become a huge stressor. Things were tight already. Then, she lost her income and there was not enough to cover the bills, let alone the basics. This past week I went to pay a bill and transfer funds to pay it, but the money was gone. I nearly went postal.
School is coming to a close. The last two weeks of school require my presence every day, all day. This takes away from work and the family. The demands for my time have been overwhelming. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel with one week to go, but the family does not se the same shade of light I see and my coworkers try to be empathetic, but they have their own agenda’s as well.
I have known that I am stretching myself thin, but I may have pulled too hard. I made a bad decision on the job last week and now have the boss reviewing all my work. Until further notice, I can’t make a major decision without going through the boss first. When I look at the decision I made, it was a culmination of bad decisions. It ended with me making a decision for my convenience instead of protecting the public.
I can’t go into any details about what happened. But the pressures of time and money and family dynamics have me down. I know that God is at work in me. I cry out to Him and He lets me know He is present. My answers lie in Him. I just wish that I could have His understanding on His time.
_____________________________
You can take the man out of Alaska, but you can't take Alaska out of the man.
Me
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RE: ZamDad's World - 5/26/2006 11:10:39 AM
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zamdad
Posts: 1032
Joined: 4/8/2005
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May 26, 2006
In my last post, I wrote about being down. I have been one of the fortunate one’s in life. I have never experienced depression. Sure, I’ve been down about things in the past, but never have I felt the pangs of hopelessness that I have been feeling lately. I got home last night and my wife asked me about my mental state. She suggested I go see a doctor. Perhaps I should.
The thing is I see so much of this despair as situational. I know it won’t last and that when God gets me through it, great things will become of it. It’s the present that just plain sucks eggs.
Perhaps I am at a mid-life crisis. I have been on my job for over five years and have loved everything about the job. I love working with people. I love helping people overcome the things that keep them in bondage. But, without a solid system of support for myself, I am feeling like I am unable to get out of my own chains. I am feeling dreaded burnout coming on.
Maybe I anticipated this burnout by enrolling in school to change careers. As of tomorrow, school is done. I have to complete a first responder course and take a statewide test and then I can change careers from corrections to law enforcement.
Yet, Tuesday, I will return to work after having had a whole week off to complete my course, but I dread the return to the office more than anything. Mostly because I know that my boss is going to be all over me about the mistake I made on the job last week and another case that fell apart in my absence. I don’t know what the boss is going to say. I have been trying not to worry about it as worry does no good. I have owned my mistake and know how to avoid repeating the mistake. This summer will bring about some changes in which my class will be done, I will have a new work partner so that I won’t be doing a double caseload. I can begin to concentrate on getting the finances in order.
I feel like the depression is from being inside a hole with no clear means of getting out and looking up to find a hand of help extended, instead only finding those hands wanting time and money I don’t have. In addition, there is the uncertainty of the future as I climb out of the hole. I’m now 43 and am looking at another career change. I feel it is God’s will moving me in that direction, but I lack the certainty. The only thing I can find assurance in is that He is in control. Sometimes the map is hard to decipher. Yet, I have to remember that it’s only when I try to control the destination that the landmarks on my map seem to get hazy.
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You can take the man out of Alaska, but you can't take Alaska out of the man.
Me
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RE: ZamDad's World - 6/1/2006 1:20:13 PM
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zamdad
Posts: 1032
Joined: 4/8/2005
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June 1, 2006
I’ve been to down to get here and post lately. I can’t seem to find the joy in anything right now. Last week while driving to the range for my qualification shoot, the boss called and told me I was being placed on administrative leave pending the outcome of a hearing scheduled for the end of the week. I was anticipating returning to work to get a royal butt chewing and having additional expectations added onto my duties. I was not expecting this.
During this past week, my mind has been numb. I can’t seem to feel anything. I don’t want to face anyone. Part of me wants to run and hide, another part wants to end it all. I look at the faces of my kids and realize that what I am going through is part of God’s sovereign plan. He is forging me for greater things.
I don’t know what the outcome of this hearing is going to be. If I am allowed to keep my job, I am going to have to rebuild my supervisor’s trust. At the same time, I no longer trust her. I am going to find it difficult to trust her when she second guesses my every move and then second guesses her second guesses.
If I lose my job then what? My chances of beginning a new career in law enforcement are shot locally. I have spent 15 years in corrections, a people centered business. I have no skills in other areas. I could go to work in retail or some other customer service industry at less than half the salary. I’m already in debt over my head. I have bill collectors calling asking for money I don’t have.
One of the things that occurred to me as I write all of this is that my lack of a support group has led me to this point. I have a few friends, friends I can talk to about nearly anything. But, I have not had anyone close enough to pour themselves into me when my cup runs empty. I think my cup has been empty for quite some time and I have been seeking discipleship from other Christian men to help build me back up. The men I have sought have been too busy themselves or simply don’t want to get that close to anyone. I don’t know, there could be any number of reasons and I needn’t read into them things that aren’t there.
I guess my point to the last paragraph is that we, the church, need to do a better job of looking out for one another. In the past year I have seen a number of families in my church go through some very painful experiences. The body, as a whole, has done very little to reach out to those hurting souls. The pastoral staff has been busier than they can keep up with trying to meet the needs. If we were connected with each other as though we were truly family, there would not be as many hurting people as there are.
As for me, right now, I have to wait for the outcome of tomorrow’s hearing. Then I have to lean on God for His direction. If I keep my job, I have to trust Him in rebuilding trust. If it’s His will for me to move on, I know that I’d better fasten my seatbelt because it’s going to be a bumpy ride.
_____________________________
You can take the man out of Alaska, but you can't take Alaska out of the man.
Me
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RE: ZamDad's World - 6/4/2006 3:56:27 PM
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zamdad
Posts: 1032
Joined: 4/8/2005
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June 4, 2006
Well, I had the hearing on Friday. I won’t know any results until Tuesday. Of all days to have my fate hanging on, 6-6-06. I’m not into this type of superstition. Yet, the thought hit me when the date was delivered and it’s been stuck in my head.
So, what have I been learning in my unrequested vacation? I have spent countless hours pushing a weed whip through some thick growth. I enjoy doing mindless activity like this as it gives me time to think about things. Yet, the thoughts don’t seem to be running to deep. All I can do is await my fate.
The time off has afforded me some more time with my kids. I spent some time last night jumping on the trampoline with them. My oldest is 14. He is as tall as I am now. He and the youngest (she’s 7) were on the trampoline together and begging me to come jump with them. I took off my shoes and got on. The last time I jumped with my son, I could bounce him over my head. Now, he can bounce me as high as I can bounce him. As he and I bounced each other and tried to avoid colliding with the 7 year old, he began telling her how fun I used to be when he was her age. How I used to get him and the middle child and all the neighborhood kids together and play games and bounce them individually.
As we continued playing and him telling his little sister how much fun dad used to be, the middle child (girl now 12) came out and jumped on the trampoline too. We were having a blast. For once my mind was beginning to think clearly again. My kids were speaking volumes to me. I have not been there for them. In their minds, I’m no fun anymore because I have been too busy being the professional. I used to be the dad that would bounce on the trampoline with all the kids, the dad who would go into the tubes inside the McDonalds playland, the dad who would go and do all the fun, silly things.
Many years ago I came to the realization that I do what I do for them, not the other way around. While in my head I know this, I think my heart has become disconnected. I used to tuck my kids into bed every night with prayers. I vowed that I would never stop doing this. Yet, somewhere in the past year or two, I have stopped praying with the older two. I have to get back into the habit of praying with them again and tucking them into bed every night. I don’t need to strive to be the fun dad, I just need to be dad.
_____________________________
You can take the man out of Alaska, but you can't take Alaska out of the man.
Me
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RE: ZamDad's World - 6/6/2006 11:10:37 PM
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zamdad
Posts: 1032
Joined: 4/8/2005
Status: offline
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June 6, 2006
Well, I get to keep my job. I will not be returning to the same position I have held for the past five years. This is good as I was going to request a change in this direction. I will not be as intimately involved in the lives of troubled souls as I have been in the past. While my caseload numbers will increase, the time and attention required to meet the needs of clients will not be as intensive.
I have learned several things during the past week. I have not been available to my kids and I do not know them as well as I like to think I do. I have not been taking care of myself in the way that I need to. I know I have been lacking a support network, but there have been a few men who have let me know that the lack I saw is not as strong as I believed. I have been telling myself for a couple of years that I am going to become serious about getting into shape. I have done nothing more than talk and occasionally write. If I don’t take care of myself, I can’t take care of anyone else.
After getting off the phone with the boss, I went for a run. I’ve lost my discipline in recent years. I have to recapture what the military instilled in me about taking care of myself so that I can be effective in service to others. I have found that I have some men in the community who can be there for the accountability I need, now I have to do my part. I need to put my words into action and take care of my body, mind and soul so that I do not repeat the turmoil I just endured.
And yet, I know the battle is not over either. I have to resume the battle at home. I have to trudge on in the effort to have my family reflect biblical stewardship. My wife and I have never been on the same page when it comes to money. We have to get there and I know there will be major battles to be fought to come to a win-win solution in this war. If any of the battles become a win-lose proposition, we both lose as do the kids. I need God’s strength to convey this message with tact and authority.
There are areas of sin that have to be eliminated from our lives. Again, I need the strength of Christ to identify those areas and eliminate them. The first one that comes to mind is the TV. I have already expressed how I would like to shoot the TV. The entire family threatened a mutiny if I took away the TV. Yet, one of the shows that we have taken a strong interest in lately is “Honey, We’re Killing The Kids.” One of the things that the doctor who runs the show does for the families she helps is to drastically reduce their TV time. I know that if I can survive the mutiny attempt, my family will begin communicating again in ways that vanished long ago. Either that, or the whole family will be next door with granddad and grandmom glued to the tube.
Please pray that as I resume my duties at work that I maintain a positive attitude and that as I pick some new battle fields at home, that I am truly seeking God’s will, not my own. Thanks to those of you who have been praying.
_____________________________
You can take the man out of Alaska, but you can't take Alaska out of the man.
Me
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RE: ZamDad's World - 6/10/2006 11:29:34 AM
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zamdad
Posts: 1032
Joined: 4/8/2005
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June 10, 2006
Well, I’ve had three days back at work. I’ve been giving my best to maintain a positive attitude about things. I have a feeling of distrust toward my supervisor. I work in a profession that requires me to make judgment calls all day. One more decision by me that my supervisor does not agree with means I am terminated from my job and then have to try and rebuild my life by not only finding a new career path, but having to admit on an application that I have been involuntarily terminated.
After being back in the office for a few days, I have heard some rumblings from other employees who are now afraid their judgment could be called into question. There is a new sense of fear within the agency that they will not be supported if they make a call that the boss does not agree with. It’s a scary position to be in as we are dealing with peoples lives and have to make judgment calls on the spot that determine what is going to happen in another person’s life.
Making mistakes is a part of being human. We have to make mistakes in order to learn and grow. If we create an environment where people are afraid to make mistakes, we will become less effective as an organization because we will be focused on not making mistakes and we will become more concerned about file management than offender management. We will not effect change in the lives of our clientele and will not improve the conditions of our communities.
I find myself struggling with this as our mission in corrections is to effect change in the lives of our clients in order to improve public safety and the overall condition of the community.
I know that my work style has been effective and has brought about change in the lives of some of the clients I have worked with. Before the close of business yesterday, I got a call from a guy I used to supervise. He began bemoaning that his girlfriend was leaving him and he did not understand why. He had some issues involving his finances and struggling to catch up with overdue bills (something I know all too well). As he explained all the things going on, I asked why he called me. He said that he felt that he needed to talk to someone and that he trusted me. He said, “I know you’re not my PO anymore, but I trust you and your advice.” It was a good thing for me to hear. I know I have been effective in the lives of clients. The conversation also let me know that it’s not me, but God. This particular client has a lot of biblical knowledge but has not been able to apply the principles to his life. His questions always seem to come back to asking how to apply his knowledge practically.
The next few months will present some challenges. Trust will have to be rebuilt both ways. On a personal level, I have to regain my discipline and stay on top of doing the things I have been telling myself I need to do. Putting my knowledge of my own issues to practical application. I guess I can look at this as the beginning of another chapter in a new adventure.
_____________________________
You can take the man out of Alaska, but you can't take Alaska out of the man.
Me
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RE: ZamDad's World - 6/11/2006 10:02:28 AM
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zamdad
Posts: 1032
Joined: 4/8/2005
Status: offline
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June 11, 2006
My wife has been asking me to go see the doctor. She is concerned that I have been exhibiting signs of depression. She wants me to see the doc so that he can prescribe some medication to make me feel better. Perhaps a visit to the doctor would not be a bad thing, but I see my mental state tied to so many situational things that can be resolved if we apply ourselves to fixing them.
During the course of the conversation about seeing the doctor, I told her that I know I need to be getting my exercise and that we have to get our finances squared away. There are some other issues that we, as a couple, have to deal with as well. For the most part, she agrees, we need to work better as a team to address certain areas of our life together. I told her that I know I need to see someone for counseling and that I felt it would be good for both of us to see a marriage counselor so that we can better address our individual and corporate issues.
I was rather dumbfounded at her negative response. She does not see any need for us to be in marital counseling. She turned the conversation back to the doctor and asked me if I had noticed a difference in her since she went on her medication. Yes, there has been a difference. Her moods are much more stable since being placed on the meds. Yet, there are other areas of concern that we need to address that have nothing to do with her moods.
The areas I feel we need to address have more to do with character. Our financial situation has more to do with character flaws than with mood swings. We have dug ourselves out of the hole a couple of times now. Yet, every time we get out, we pick up the shovel and begin digging again. I failed by responding to offers of easy credit. I also failed by not standing up and saying no to large purchases she wanted to make on the costly credit we so easily obtained. I failed by giving into my own urges to buy things I could not afford and did not need.
Yet, where I get really frustrated is that she entered some contracts with people we happen to be friends with agreeing to pay for items on an installment plan. Once we had the items in possession, she made no effort to pay. On some of these purchases, I have had to go to the people and make some type of payment.
On an individual level, I have worked very hard to be a man of my word. I have strived to live with godly character. She has more Bible knowledge than I do and can make me look like a simpleton when engaged in a theological discussion. While she knows all the principles of scripture, application of those principles in inconsistent. She does not seem to realize that her indiscretion with financial or other matters of character is a reflection on me, as her husband, as well. It’s the same concern I had when she was working with the group of men and trying so hard to fit in that she was drinking with the boys and attending all the social functions of the company that involved alcohol to network. It was a violation of the moral standards she had expressed when I fell in love with her.
She always tells me that she wants me to treat her like I did when we were dating. I do try and fulfill this desire. Yet, I want the character qualities of the woman that I fell in love with back. The woman I fell in love with had some very solid biblical principles she expressed an intention to live by. As I think about what I just wrote, I don’t want that woman back, I want her to live in harmony with the values she ascribes to.
As I look back at our relationship from the beginning, she has lived in conflict with her values. She has never taken full responsibility for her financial dealings. I have rescued her from her overspending time and time again. She was opposed to premarital sex, but we were engaged in the act continually before the wedding. As for managing the house, she has never been a good steward of the home. When the whole family is together for the evening, she cooks dinner and then, after eating, sits on the couch in front of the TV and orders others to do this and do that while she sits. There is no conversation or household management going on as the TV becomes the focus of her attention.
I want us to live in the center of God’s will. I know this is a difficult place to be. It requires submission on both our parts. Neither one of us is good at submission.
I wrote in the marriage folder last night that I don’t think she really wants to know what I think because if she did, she could come to the computer and read my journal. She could also get on CW and read my blog. Now, I’m posting this and wondering if I really want her to know what I’m thinking. I think one of things that has kept our marriage in the state it’s in is my desire/ability to avoid conflict with her. My letting things go to keep the peace. I have contributed to the problem greatly. I have to find and use the strength to keep my marriage in the center of God’s will.
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You can take the man out of Alaska, but you can't take Alaska out of the man.
Me
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RE: ZamDad's World - 6/17/2006 11:07:04 AM
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zamdad
Posts: 1032
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June 17, 2006
Much has been happening. Through this whole process, I am able to see God’s hand. I may not always like what I see. But, when I know it’s God working, I know that it’s for His glory and I will be blessed by it. I am also aware that there has been a spiritual battle taking place. It’s amazing how little it takes for the enemy to inflict major damage if and when he is given the slightest ground into the recesses of our minds.
Satan tries to get in wherever he can. During the first few days of my unrequested vacation, I had thoughts of hopelessness and despair that seemed to come upon me out of nowhere. If I had not had my savior to take those thoughts from me, the results could have been devastating.
As always, God has lessons to be learned from the trials we go through. School doesn’t ever get out of session while here in this world. From what I’ve heard from those who have been near death, they speak of a bright light. We won’t be hearing a school bell to end our education, we will see the light.
At our deacon meeting last week, the pastor had said he was going to be involved in an intervention regarding a man from our congregation who’s constant drinking is causing problems within his family. Pastor said that he had a couple of other men lined up to go, but they had schedule conflicts are were unable to. He was going to talk to me after the meeting to see if I could go the next day. I told him that I was aware of the plan for an intervention over a month ago, but had not heard anything else. I felt this was something that needed to have some planning before we went in. I also said that with all the things going on my own life, I did not feel strong enough to tackle this at the last minute, without adequate backup, and without a plan.
As I spoke about the things in my own life, I shared with the rest of the board the things that have been going on. It really helped to have the men lay hands on and pray. I know I have support from the men in the church. Yet, as I told my story to them, I conveyed to them that we all need to be slowing down, being intentional in our relationships and tending to each other. As church leaders, our tendency is to give and give to build up others. But who fills our cup when our well is going dry? If we don’t have mentoring, supportive relationships where we can confide in each other and be honest enough to ask and answer the truly difficult questions/issues of life, we don’t grow deep. If we don’t grow deep, how can we be strong enough to support others and help them grow? If we tend only to the surface, the weeds of life will work hard to prevent us from truly knowing Christ and letting others see Christ in us.
I worry in particular about my pastor. He and I are, in so many ways, alike. We both love the excitement of the job. We love the adrenaline rush of being there to help others resolve the complexities of life. He and I are like caped crusaders who love to put on that superhero suit and save the day. Yet, God has taught me that I am not a superhero. I am nothing more than an instrument in His service. While I think my pastor understands this as well, his style of operating, I fear, is going to lead him into the position of being stretched too thin as I have recently been. When the rubber band tying his cape finally gives, not only is he going to be wounded, there will be many casualties in the flock.
I’m not really sure where I am going with this. For several months before my crisis I had been writing about the need/desire to slow down. Perhaps I am concerned that, as a church, myself and others have been giving this concept lip service. Peter, my dear friend, recently moved away. Prior to his move, he told me some things he saw in my life and within our church leadership structure. Peter’s words to me have been prophetic. He saw my life and my marriage falling apart and had the right words to convey what would happen if I did not address it. He also communicated what he saw happening within our church leadership. I miss him terribly as his insight has been as valuable as gold. I want to quit talking about change and be an instrument of change. I want to be used by God for His purposes. I feel like He is leading me in this direction to build disciples based on Christ’s model. The 12 and the 3 within the 12.
As the church, our tendency is to grow and grow; bring in more numbers. This is not a bad thing. Unfortunately, we neglect relationships with people in the process. We get so focused on the programs to bring people in, that we don’t allow for growth that allows for deep roots. We don’t grow strong enough to keep from being wiped out by the weeds of the culture.
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You can take the man out of Alaska, but you can't take Alaska out of the man.
Me
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RE: ZamDad's World - 6/18/2006 9:57:46 AM
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zamdad
Posts: 1032
Joined: 4/8/2005
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June 17, 2006
Not too long ago I wrote that I was going to face a possible mutiny and cancel the satellite TV. Well, the bill was due on the 14th and I didn’t pay it. The news was on in the morning and the screen went blank with a box saying to call customer service. My wife asked if I was going to pay the bill. I told her no and added I can live just fine without TV.
Today is day four. So far things have been okay. We’ve been busy enough that we haven’t missed it too much. It’s only in the evenings when things wind down that the troops gang up on me. She begins the chant, “Pay the bill, pay the bill…” The kids join in, but are not very effective. It almost seems that they don’t care either way.
She pulled the sex card and said I was going to be lonely. I told her I’ve been there before and, as I get older, it gets easier. It has been tempting to get online and pay the bill. I have to stick to my guns though. In the few days we have been without TV, I have seen a difference in the household. We are talking more. I told her I noticed that we were talking more. She asked my son, “Do we not talk when the TV is on.” His initial response was “No.” After he saw the look he got from her, he knew that was not the right response. He then changed his answer to, “Well, yeah, sorta.” I could sense that he was not comfortable being direct with his mother that when the TV is on, communication is limited. He seemed to know that when momma aint happy, aint nobody else supposed to be happy either.
Things around the house are getting done. There were an assortment of chores and tasks that needed to be completed but were put on the “get to it later” list because doing it would have interfered with CSI, Law & Order, The Dog Whisperer, or What Not To Wear. But, with no excuse to not to do these things, they are getting done. Another thing that I have already begun to see if and when there is down time is reading. Please Lord, give me strength to hold firm.
Before the TV was went dark, we had a conversation in the living room one night as my son had gone over his allotted time on the computer. As far as my wife is concerned, we should go without the internet. She said to my son, “You spend way too much time in front of the monitor.” I looked at her and said, “What’s the difference between that monitor (pointing to the computer) and that monitor (pointing to the TV)?” I added, “At least with the computer, you can interact with it. You can read and talk with others and discuss ideas and such. With the TV, you just absorb what it feeds you.” Her retort was that she does not watch that much TV and that we are together as a family when we’re in the living room watching. To me, we might be in the living room, but we are not engaged in interaction with each other. I don’t miss the tube and I don’t think my kids are missing it yet either.
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You can take the man out of Alaska, but you can't take Alaska out of the man.
Me
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RE: ZamDad's World - 6/21/2006 12:25:53 AM
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zamdad
Posts: 1032
Joined: 4/8/2005
Status: offline
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June 20, 2006
I called my dad for father’s day, but I called too late. I had been out with my youngest daughter and our company catching fireflies in jars until well after dark. Fireflies only last about a week here in the northwoods and my youngest one looks forward to this activity with dad every year. This year was even more special as we had family from Alaska visiting. They don’t get fireflies up there. My 8 year old nephew was quite impressed with them.
I called dad back last night and spoke for a while. He said things are good there. He’s getting ready to spend a few days at the coast. He’s ready for the trip as it’s supposed to be 106 where he lives during the time he’ll be gone.
He asked how the job was going. He always asks. I know he is proud of his son for venturing into a profession. Yet, I also know that he is concerned because of the danger of the job. I told him about the problems at work and how I am ready to make the change into another line of work. I told him that I have completed my schooling and I can become a cop once I pass the required tests.
As he and I spoke, I said something that caused me to think more deeply about my career considerations. I told him that for the past 15 years, I have been working in a profession where I get to see the dark side of humanity. It makes me question whether law enforcement is the route to go. I have been saying, “I would rather catch em than clean em.” I know that working as a police officer, my exposure to the dark side of humanity will not cease. The only difference will be that I will not be as invested in the lives of offenders trying to get them to change their attitudes, beliefs and values to change behavior. I will be involved for a moment or two and then gone leaving the cleanup for someone else.
I though perhaps I should look into an IT career. Something where I could work with computers. But, as I think about these other options, I can’t change who God made me to be. He has blessed me with some gifts. While I have been exposed to the dark side of human kind, there have been some benefits. I have been influential in changing the lives of offenders. God has done the work, but He has allowed me to take part in the change. I am grateful for this. Even if I did go to work in a field that was not so people intensive, I think I would continue working with a jail ministry or something.
After the conversation I was also able to see where my insight and experience helps my pastor and I to balance each other out. In my job, I have to look for the good in others. He looks for nothing but the good in others. As he and I have discussed matters, I have been able to point out things to him that he would not otherwise look at and he has helped me to se the brighter side of some pretty dismal situations.
I know it’s time to change. I feel God telling me that He has something else for me. I just wish that His voice was more clear sometime. He has taken me through an extensive pruning process. It could be that the pruning process is not quite done yet. I have been spending more time in His word trying to learn what it is that He is telling me. But Satan works pretty hard creating a lot of noise to prevent me from hearing God’s voice. I’m listening God. You have my attention.
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You can take the man out of Alaska, but you can't take Alaska out of the man.
Me
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RE: ZamDad's World - 6/25/2006 1:04:50 PM
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zamdad
Posts: 1032
Joined: 4/8/2005
Status: offline
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June 25, 2006
My wife was not feeling well today and decided to stay home from church. I took the kids to church and, as I walked in the door, was told that I was on the list to serve communion today. I was then asked if I would take one side for the offering.
We went and found a place to sit and got settled in to sing worship songs. My oldest and youngest have been fondly nick named oil and water. I sat between them so that they would leave each other alone. Perhaps oil and water is not a good way to describe them. While they don’t get along well with each other, they are so much alike. I think my son sees things in his sister that he does not like about himself and then goes after her for those characteristics. She plays him like a puppet. She knows how to get him to react as if she’s playing a video game. One night while eating supper, she gets him all worked up and then looks at my wife and I and says, “He’s like a remote control, he has lots of buttons to push.”
The middle child usually steers clear of conflict between the other two. However, she tends to get bossy with the youngest one and will decide to lay down the law at the most inopportune times.
While at church this morning, with me sitting between oil and water, the facial gestures quickly turned into loud whispers of verbal insults and then hands and feet reaching across me to get to one another. I pulled the little one out of the service and told her I was not going tolerate any more of her button pushing. Of course, she blamed him. I told her, matter of factly, that I was talking to her and that my expectation for her was that she was going to stop her button pushing behavior.
We return to the sanctuary and the middle child tells the youngest child that she cannot go to children’s church because she is now too old and that she cannot be a helper because she is too young. This begins a whole new argument during the associate pastor’s long winded prayer. I tell the middle child that she is wrong, that the other one can go to children’s church because she is not considered graduated from second grade until she begins third grade. The middle child gets all huffy and storms out of the sanctuary. Then the oldest child has to tell the youngest child how she is ruining the day and that if she would quit running her mouth… I look at him and tell him to take his own advice.
I’ve had it. I tell the remaining two children to get up and get out to the parking lot, we’re going home. Now I can’t find the middle child. I have one of the women check the restroom. Nope, not there. I look outside on the playground, the library, the kitchen. She’s nowhere to be found. At this point I know that oil and water are sitting in my car most likely trying to snuff the life out of each other while I look for the third one.
She finally comes out of the church building as I’m preparing to drive out of the parking lot. I was going to leave her, take the other two home and return to get her. I yell at her to get in the car. She gives me a look like she doesn’t want to and that I should come get her. I can imagine all the people sitting inside wanting to peak out the window to see the screaming deacon in the parking lot begin to abuse his kids.
I’m glad it’s over now. As I sit and write about it, it almost become humorous. It will be tomorrow. I know that when I begin telling stories to my grandkids, this will be one that will get a lot of laughs. I think God that he lets me see the humor in things.
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You can take the man out of Alaska, but you can't take Alaska out of the man.
Me
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RE: ZamDad's World - 6/28/2006 12:13:50 AM
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zamdad
Posts: 1032
Joined: 4/8/2005
Status: offline
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June 27, 2006
I was over at the in laws house today for supper. The news was on and there was some facts about how our local senators voted in terms of the flag burning amendment. My brother in law became irate when he saw that our democrat voted for the amendment and our republican voted against it. His comment; “Well, I guess that just shows his true colors.”
My brother in law is republican to the core. We don’t talk politics much. Usually there’s nothing to talk about as we agree on most issues. With a lot of family in the room at the time he made the comment, I didn’t feel compelled to discuss the matter further with him.
I’m a veteran, he’s not. I hate flag burning. Yet, it’s one of those issues that I feel needs to be left alone. The constitution guarantees us the right to free speech. While I may not like what some flag burner has to say, they are exercising a right that I swore to uphold and defend when I raised my right hand both when I enlisted and accepted my commission.
Is this an issue worth amending the constitution? Why violate the first amendment by adding an amendment that contradicts the first one? I know some people, like my brother in law, have some very strong feelings about the matter. The constitution grants them the right to express those feelings. At the same time, the constitution gives those who want to express their opinions the right to do so even if means angering and inciting others by burning the flag that symbolizes that freedom.
It’s weird that I should feel this way about it. I recall being at OCS and standing on the hot pavement for what felt like hours with the tar burning through my boots as we stood at attention and saluted the flag. I never fully understood all the fuss about a piece of cloth until OCS came to a close. Now, I go to a ball game and find myself standing at attention when the Star Spangled Banner is being played. I’ve been to ball games with my brother in law. While I have no doubt in my mind he loves his country and the flag that represents it, I see no overt displays of reverence toward the flag from him during the Star Spangled Banner.
I think wearing the uniform and serving the country gives a person a whole new perspective on life. I can’t judge my brother in law. He’s entitled to feel the way he does. So do those on the other side of the issue. I can’t judge them either. But, I think my republican senator voted the right way while the democrat voted to appeal to the opinion polls.
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You can take the man out of Alaska, but you can't take Alaska out of the man.
Me
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RE: ZamDad's World - 6/28/2006 9:50:13 AM
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zamdad
Posts: 1032
Joined: 4/8/2005
Status: offline
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June 28, 2006
I went back through some of the old posts in my blog today. It was good to go back through and read some of the things I have written over the past few months. Even though my brain still holds all the information, my recollection of things is not always as clear unless I have it written down.
This past year and a half has brought some trying times. I have written more than once about the need to make changes in my own personal walk. Some of those changes have occurred, others continue to get nothing more than lip service.
I have really struggled with my desire to serve God as a man of absolute integrity and what I see happening in actuality. I see shortcomings of my own. My financial situation is a glaring testimony to this. While I know that I have to accept ultimate responsibility for these character matters, I find myself wanting to blame my wife. I can’t really blame her because I have not been the spiritual leader God wants me to be. I have compromised eternal values to keep peace for a moment.
While I have to accept responsibility for my family and I have to take the role of the spiritual leader in my house, I really need God’s guidance on how to accomplish His will. Perhaps I have not been going to Him enough in prayer. I need God’s guidance to help me convey to my wife that the decisions she makes and the actions she takes are reflections on my character as well as hers. The same holds true in reverse. This is a part of the two becoming one.
Part of our financial dilemma stems from her having made agreements to pay people for items or services on some sort of installment plan. She enters these agreements and then never follows through. I find myself scraping from the budget to make good on obligations she has made and forgotten about. As I have talked to her about this, she doesn’t seem to share my perspective. She will acknowledge my concern and almost seem to be willing to make a momentary sacrifice so as to keep the peace. But, once the subject has been discussed, let it go and continue living as we’ve always lived. There is no repentance if we keep on doing what we’ve always done. I am guilty of allowing this insanity to continue.
Once again I write of another area I know I need to change. Yet, I question myself as to whether I will apply any of this to life? I know I have to if God is going to do His work in our lives.
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You can take the man out of Alaska, but you can't take Alaska out of the man.
Me
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RE: ZamDad's World - 7/3/2006 5:18:30 PM
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zamdad
Posts: 1032
Joined: 4/8/2005
Status: offline
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July 3, 2006
I’ve been participating in a thread in the ministry leaders folder about screening church workers. It’s an issue that we have looked at, approved and forwarded. It seemed to have dies and has been resurrected to move into implementation.
It’s unfortunate that we have to screen people who want to work with kids. Yet, it’s necessary in this modern age. We need to do it to protect children, but we also need to do it to protect ourselves. We must develop policies that protect kids from predatory behavior and to protect leaders from false accusations.
I find that the topic is one people just don’t like to talk about. They would rather not think about it. It’s one of those topics that we almost seem to prefer operating in 911 mode; react if there’s a crisis. Being proactive means having to talk about things that are not comfortable to talk about. I know that I had some comments written to me w/ regard to my blog that I had too many sex offender stories/issues in it. Some of those people said they did not want to read about that stuff.
None of us want to hear about it. But ignoring it does not make it go away. Pretending it doesn’t happen or not wanting to deal with someone else’s issues only makes matters worse. The problem of sexual abuse has been around for as long as time has been recorded. Only in recent years have we here in the US begun to acknowledge that it happens and that it has a devastating impact. For years people have endured the abuse and allowed it to move from one generation to the next because, “That’s just the way it is.”
While working for the Alaska Department of Corrections, I wrote a presentence report on a village elder. This man was in his 70’s and was well respected in the village. He had fondled a couple of young girls while at fish camp. The abuse was reported to the parents of the girls and the parents reported it to the Troopers. The social worker who became involved happened to be from the same village. She related to me how many of the village elders came to her and told her to keep her nose out of it, to just let things be. Members of her own family threatened to ban her from the family if she persisted in the investigation.
I tried to speak with some of the women from the village. At first, I was told that nothing happened and that I needed to bother some real criminals. Yet, just before sentencing, many of the same women I had tried to speak with earlier contacted me and told me that they had been thinking long and hard about this. It was time for the exploitation to stop. It was time for this man to pay for his crimes and to prevent any more young girls from having to endure the silent suffering they had. I learned in talking with these women that there were four generations of girls that had been molested by this man. The abuse ranged from fondling to rape. It was also divulged that he had fathered a child with one of his own daughters.
When people suffer in silence because they have been sexually exploited by another human being, that silence allows the perpetrator to keep offending. Sexual predators are not the monsters we want to envision them to be. We want them to be homely old men who offer candy to babies or lurk in the bushes for the unsuspecting woman. Predatory offenders are all too often well liked, respected members of the community. They have the gift of gab. They are charmers. They use their good looks and pleasing personality to gain the trust of unsuspecting victims. They use that trust to get their victim into a position of vulnerability and then make the victim question themselves as to how they could have violated sacred boundaries.
I know it’s not a pleasant subject to talk or read about. But, not addressing it allows the problem to live. I think we, the church, are blessed with great opportunity to not only prevent sexual abuse from occurring among us, but to change the culture with regard to sexual values. If we become proactive and teach about God’s design for healthy relationships, we will be less reactionary and having to call 911 to report another incident.
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You can take the man out of Alaska, but you can't take Alaska out of the man.
Me
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RE: ZamDad's World - 7/8/2006 5:31:13 PM
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zamdad
Posts: 1032
Joined: 4/8/2005
Status: offline
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July 8, 2006
I have a married couple on my new caseload that got into trouble for cooking meth. After serving some jail time, this couple turned their lives over to God. They are completely different people now than they once were. He used to tell his former PO that he was never going to give up his marijuana and she told the other PO that smoking pot put her “in the mood.” Oh the things we get to hear in this business.
After coming to Christ, they both got involved in an outreach ministry in another community. They spent about six months working at this Christian recovery center that provides recovery services to the addicted and has a homeless outreach as well.
Since they had recently returned, I asked them about their experience. They said they left because they were not able to see each other at all. They spent all their waking hours trying to meet one need after another. They reported that it seemed like they were responding to one crisis after another. They said they began to feel burned out and felt that they had to get out and spend some time with each other.
As they told me about their experience I was reminded of the church leadership training I attended last fall. As church leaders we are expected to give and to give and to give. As we’re feeding others, who feeds us? Yes, we get our nourishment from Christ, but who here in our communities is holding us accountable to make sure we are getting fed in God’s word? I told them about the conference I attended and how we, as a church, have a tendency to rush into all these ministry opportunities bringing the tools for a quick fix and that like the caped crusaders we want to be, we fly from one crisis to the next. When our cups are empty and we’re drawing from dry well, what good are we to those we are ministering to?
She said to her husband, “It sounds like he knows these ladies.” I told her I know nothing about the program they were at, I was simply expressing some things I have learned in recent months in relation to my role as a church leader and my ministry (my job).
Before my world erupted as a result of being spread too thin, I had been writing about slowing down, being intentional. My new caseload allows me the time to slow down. Yet, I don’t like it. I am not satisfied. But, I think my priorities have not been in line with God’s will for my life. Perhaps I have been trying to convince myself otherwise, but I have not been listening for God’s voice through the noise. I need to learn to be content with my situation no matter where it’s at. I have to remember that God is in control and He has me where He does for His purposes. Right now I feel him trying to break me. He wants me to really trust Him instead of giving Him the lip service I have been giving myself. He wants to humble me so that I am obedient to Him.
I know that the next few years are going to be difficult as I follow His lead in getting out of debt and allowing the transformation to His character that He wants for my life to take place. While I can get excited about it sitting here writing it, I know that the adversary will use others to pressure me off God’s narrow path.
I pray that I will be constantly reminded that He is the source of my strength. I also pray that we, the church, find strength individually in Him and remember that we are ineffective collectively if we are not individually drawing strength from Him.
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You can take the man out of Alaska, but you can't take Alaska out of the man.
Me
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RE: ZamDad's World - 7/11/2006 9:50:11 PM
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zamdad
Posts: 1032
Joined: 4/8/2005
Status: offline
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July 11, 2006
I’ve been reading the book, PAPA Prayer by Larry Crabb. It’s an excellent book teaching another way to pray. He focuses more on making prayer more relational as opposed to petitional. I find myself able to identify with Larry in many ways. I find that working in the field of helping others, all too often I ask; what about me? Yet, I know that it’s not about me. My purpose in life is to serve God and serve others.
I know I have written over recent months my desire to connect with someone else on a deeper level. When I think about this desire, it comes back down to me. Forgive me for being selfish for a few minutes, but I spend my days listening to others and their struggles with life. The thoughts, attitudes and beliefs that cause them to engage in destructive behavior. Yet, when I struggle, who do I have? My wife does not want to hear about things related to my job. The men in my life I consider to be my closest friends live far enough away and have jobs and families of their own which makes connecting difficult. When I was serving as chair of our board I really sought out the guidance and friendship of my pastor. He lives across the street from me and should be the easiest to connect with, but he’s too busy being the spiritual caped crusader rescuing people from their eternal damnation.
I know the standard answer for Christians is to pray, to seek Christ with all my heart. I do this. At least I think I do. I know I fall short because I don’t spend enough time in His word, getting to know His mind. I’ve prayed for an accountability partner. Nothing has happened yet. I get impatient with God because His time table and mine don’t match. I feel like I have had some genuine conversations with God. But, perhaps I’m doing it on my terms.
I sense Him trying to humble me. He wants me to spend time with Him not only reading His word. He wants me to hear His voice. I haven’t been able to slow down enough to hear Him. Larry Crabb talks about how we pray. I feel like I make my prayers genuine. But, am I being as genuine as God wants? Too often we have a tendency to make our prayers sound lofty. We fill them with all kinds of Christianese such as “Oh heavenly father, abba, great and glorious God who created all…” I remember hearing prayers like that when I came to Christ and feeling unworthy because I didn’t know the lingo. Well, I’ve been around the church long enough to know how to speak Christian and speak it well. Now I’m feeling unworthy because my language is designed more to impress men than God.
I know that at this moment in time, He wants more than to humble me, he wants to break me. He wants me to feel how utterly dependent on Him that I am. While I know this and profess comfort in the fact that I know this is His will for my life, I’m resistant. Why am I resistant? Is it because of pride? I know I am struggling with a number of issues and that I want a daddy I can run to and fall into his arms. Someone who will fix my problems for me, or at least walk along side me on the journey in building my character. Perhaps this is why God has not brought someone else into my life. I have not leaned on Him and Him alone.
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You can take the man out of Alaska, but you can't take Alaska out of the man.
Me
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RE: ZamDad's World - 7/15/2006 10:44:25 AM
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zamdad
Posts: 1032
Joined: 4/8/2005
Status: offline
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July 15, 2006
As part of my duties I am required to interview newly arrested prisoners and make recommendations to the court for an appropriate amount of bail. This past week I went to the jail to interview a Hispanic man who had been arrested in possession of cocaine. The police report said that he offered some to a 13 year old girl.
I got a translator as I was told the man was reporting he could not speak English. The name he had given to police showed that he was wanted on a felony warrant from another county. I thought this was going to be a piece of cake as the guy would not be released due to the warrant.
I got to the jail and learned that they had suspicions that he had given them a false name. They said that the descriptors of the person by the name used was much larger than the person in custody and that the person listed had tattoos. This man had no tattoos.
The interpreter and I went into the little interview room and met with the man. I asked him his real name. He repeated the name he had given. He repeated the birth date. He seemed to know all the information for this identity. I told him that his physical description did not match. He just shrugged his shoulders. I asked him about the town that was listed as his address. He said he’d never been there and didn’t know why it showed up that way.
As I was getting ready to conclude the interview I told him that he was wanted o | | |
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