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Perhaps a little background - 10/5/2005 12:45:51 PM
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CoeurdeLeon
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As I set out to navigate the next portion of my life I look back and see how I have been shaped to be at this place at this time. Through all of it God's hand is evident. Often I could see that at the time but some things I could only begin to see with hindsight.
My life has been lived in 2 segments. I begin with the 2nd.
My mother moved our family to a town 30 miles away from where I grew up and where all the rest of my family and friends lived. I was saddened to leave my friends but excited about new circumstances. I met my future husband shortly after school began my Junior year. We had moved just prior to this in August. I had made a very few friends so far and one of these girlfriends called me to ask if I'd go out with him. She was dating his brother. After asking her what he was like, I agreed. 5 months later I was pregnant. A month after my 17th birthday we were married. Our son was born in Jan. and spent the next 3 months in hospital because he had a syndrome of which I am a carrier. It was explained to us that beside his considerable health problems he would also be severely to profoundly retarded and children with this syndrome rarely survive adolescence. I was still in school but worked like a dog to get my son to eat. He didn't suck, fell asleep almost immediately and had to be fed every 3 hrs. It took almost an hour to feed him each time. The dr.s at Children's Hospital were so surprised that he had gained weight for me. However he died in April. After that came a dark time that I don't remember much of. But I do remember wondering why we were still married when the reason we got married was gone. The drs had explained to me that I had only a 25% chance of having a healthy child. They told me to go ahead and get pregnant again and if there was a problem we'd just terminate the pregnancy. No. I chose at 18 yrs old to have a tubal ligation instead.
Over the next 2 decades I learned many, many lessons about my husband's character. He is an alcoholic, he is addicted to porn, he is a consumate liar. I tried with everything in me to explain it all away or take the responsibility of his actions on myself. I succeeded far too well. But I also found the one thing that could sustain me. I found Jesus. I count all the trials as nothing compared to this.
We started a business together and all went well as long as I towed the line, shouldered all the work so that he could go on hunting trips, etc. Sometimes, although I didn't know what I'd done wrong, I didn't tow the line quite right and had to be hit back into line. 10 years into our marriage we decided that we did not want to remain childless and looked into adoption. That time in my life is a beautiful testimony of God's love and care and I will write of it thoroughly at another time. The children came and my husband resented every moment of my time that they required. He became petulant, hostile, furious and more drunk and more violent. I had learned to keep my mouth shut and do all that was required of me so I hadn't been hit as often. But one night, in a drunken stupor my husband lost control of himself and came after me. My son was about 5 and he tried with all his puny might to get between us and make it stop. As soon as my husband let go of me I got the kids into a car and to a hotel. I called his parents to tell them where we were and that was the first they knew about his violence toward me. I went back, we talked, he made promises....
Then he had an affair. I saw it coming. I talked to him about this inappropriate friendship. I asked him to stop. Everyone around him noticed his behavior and warned him. It took 3 years for him to finally leave me for her. That was the worst 3 years of my life. To see what was happening, to tell him that it was happening and try to wake him up to what he was doing. You see, he was a Christian. A lay speaker in the church, the adult Sunday School teacher. How could he know the trap he was heading for and continue in that direction? I don't know but he did. By the time he actually left I was so relieved that finally the tension was over I was more outraged than hurt. He blamed me for all of it. And I was so conditioned to believing everything that was wrong with our marriage was my fault that I had trouble not accepting this as well. But he had given me a biblical reason for divorce and I thank God he never once sincerely asked me to work on fixing our marriage. Because I would have continued to be bound to him and he would have continued as he had begun. His lifestyle since has proven that to me.
I have worked very hard at healing and I have come a long way. I'm not bitter. God has cared for me and blessed me so abundantly through it all. I am blessed with true friends. I am blessed with in-laws who love me and still consider me their daughter. I have been blessed to be able to deal with my husband in a friendly way, without animosity. I am blessed to be learning the truth about my marriage and my husband's role in the problems. I am blessed by Isaiah 54.
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It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown!
9.7.08
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Another little death - another big victory - 10/7/2005 8:35:47 PM
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CoeurdeLeon
Posts: 8992
Joined: 9/4/2005
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My divorce papers were filed today.
Although we've been separated for almost 2 years now and there has never been any attempt on his part at reconciliation, it's still a painful death.
We married so young that I had dreams of celebrating a 50th and, God willing, a 60th anniversary. We planted an orchard that I thought I'd continue to see grow, canning the produce, picking it fresh off the trees together. We were planning a remodel to the house and had so much fun deciding what to do and how it would look and how we'd use the spaces in the future.
Yes, there were fun times. Less than there should have been. But sometimes I could forget the pain and pretend that things would be better. That fantasy is dead, as well.
I'm not surprised at the pain. Or maybe I am. Intellectually I knew it would come, but these last 2 years have been so relatively pain-free that I must have gotten used to it.
Think of that! That is an excellent place to be! I've gotten used to being pain-free! For so long I lived with pain that I eventually became numb to survive. What a triumph to be able to feel again! Even to feel pain!
When I started this I had no idea it was going to go this way. Again and again God teaches me and shows me exactly what He has been doing in my life! It is only His grace and mercy that makes me able to be thankful for pain! Pain is proof that I'm alive, physically and emotionally! And that is abundantly more than I could say 2 years ago! Praise God!
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It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown!
9.7.08
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Church choices - 10/13/2005 6:58:25 PM
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CoeurdeLeon
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All my saved life I've been a member of a little country church. I love the people there. They've been friends to me through a lot of trials and a lot of triumphs. But....
Being a tiny country church, we get ministers who are close to retirement, or ministers who have been run out of other churches on a rail because of their questionable beliefs/practices. And, being a tiny country church, it's a very close knit community with few new members per decade. Everybody is related to everybody. It's a social club with a lot of rules. My in-laws are very big there and, although I love them very much, I don't agree with many of the things they spout as being crucial for following God. I've come to see worship there as "church worship" because everyone is expected to be there for every single meal, meeting, work-night, etc. and if you're not you just don't love God. I've spent over 20 years trying to bring a spirit of joy to worship there, I've prayed and prayed. It's also a church that is very busy raising money. But the money that gets raised goes toward making the building nicer. I'm not so okay with that.
Soooo.....my sister and her family go to a church about 30 miles away. They have a contemporary service on Sat. evenings and I've been going for the last 2 months. I really enjoy it. For the last few weeks by Wed. or Thurs. I'm thinking "Yay, Saturday's coming and I get to go to church. I haven't thought that in a long time. If ever.
But when I see people from the other church, they always say something to imply that I'm doing something wrong by not going to their church. Not that they miss me, but that I should be in that specific church. And they work on my kids, making them feel guilty. Especially my in-laws. I'm not so okay with that, either.
I'm so glad to have found a church that believes and teaches the Bible, that is excited about worship and that is very involved in missions. I wish my kids could be excited too instead of being made to feel guilty and I wish that others were happy for me instead of critical of my choices. Right now, I'm the spiritual head of this household and I know that this family needs to participate in real worship and real fellowship. I'm so glad I've found a place to do that.
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It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown!
9.7.08
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RE: Church choices - 10/16/2005 7:08:42 PM
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CoeurdeLeon
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Today would be (actually is since my divorce isn't legal yet) my 23rd anniversary. Thank God it's the best one I've had so far!
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It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown!
9.7.08
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RE: Red flag - 11/3/2005 5:41:08 PM
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CoeurdeLeon
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Lately I've been extremely overworked and overwhelmed. So much so that I've been harboring a little resentment toward God. Not a big thing but a little niggling thing in the dark corners of my mind. I wasn't even aware of it until, a few days ago, I realized that most of my prayers had become the 'Oh God, no. I can't take one more thing' variety. Red flag, warning buzzer, danger Will Robinson!
I can't say that I've made much progress with this yet beyond recognizing it and remembering to thank God for all the incredible blessings he has poured out on me. I still feel like I'm teetering on the edge of a precipice. There are so many needy people in my life and I've got one of those "I HAVE to fix it type personalities" that I'm being drained completely. And the 2 people in the world who deserve my time, attention, energy and care - namely my children, are the ones who are having to continually put themselves on the back burner or deal with some of their needs themselves. This is not the way things should be, nor is it the way I want them.
My prayer life has not come back up to par yet but for a couple of days, every time I look to God and ask for help in situations or remember to thank Him, I get a very real sense that He is acutely aware of what I'm going through and I keep hearing "Just wait a bit". I am encouraged to hang on and do my best with a practical impossibility until He chooses to change things. I am encouraged to think that He has something new and wonderful that He's preparing for me backstage and I know that I want whatever it is that He has for me!
My current situation is insupportable and I cannot see how any of this is going to pan out without me crashing and burning. BUT, I know I serve an awesome God who loves me and loves my children and even if it comes to going over the edge I KNOW that He will catch me up in the palm of His hand. I have no fear of living single for the rest of my life or poverty or health problems but it is very hard for me to spin my wheels and not be able to do everything that needs doing to the very best of my abilities. It is difficult to have to do everything and be everything and only be able to do a mediocre job in everything. I believe that God knows this and doesn't expect me to have to continue in this way forever.
I will continue to do my very best. I will try to allow people to fix their own problems. I will put my kids back in their proper place in my life. I will endeavor to persevere and I will trust God and wait for His best! He is my focus and I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me!
< Message edited by thankful860 -- 11/3/2005 6:53:22 PM >
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It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown!
9.7.08
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RE: God's blessings - 11/16/2005 7:44:59 PM
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CoeurdeLeon
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Just when I think that I'm never going to make it, God sends another believer into my life to help prop me up.
All my life He has done this, you'd think I'd be used to it by now. But every single time I am overwhelmed by His lovingkindness in sending me just what I need just when I need it.
Sometimes I wonder if I've ever been or ever will be that someone for a struggling believer. I want to pass on the blessing, I'm just not sure that I have. Maybe that's part of being a blessing to someone. You're just doing your thing and someone else is blessed by it.
When I was a girl, a woman moved in next door to us. She'd been married to a Greek and she took interest in me because I'm half-Greek. She let me come to her house and walk her dog and she'd talk to me like I was a real person. I loved her. She fed me calamari and louko mathes and told me about visiting Greece and made me feel special. Like I was someone worthwhile. And, other than at my grandparents house, that was the only place I was made to feel that way. God, I miss her.
When we were starting our business, right before we opened, a woman came in to ask if I'd done the hiring yet because she "really needed the job". For reasons unclear to me at the time but which I now know were the proddings of the Holy Spirit I hired her. It's now 18 years later and she's been the best friend I've ever had in my life. She's mentored me in my faith, she's mentored me in motherhood and she's been my true and faithful friend through all the trials of my marriage and divorce. I thank God every day for her friendship.
And just in the past week God has placed another believer in my life who is blessing me. Just when I felt that I was at the end of my rope. God is so good! His lovingkindness is better than life. My lips will praise Him!
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It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown!
9.7.08
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RE: God's blessings II - 11/24/2005 10:15:47 AM
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CoeurdeLeon
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Referring back to post #7 where I said that I felt God was telling me "Just wait a bit". Obviously, I couldn't know how long "a bit" is but, in the blink of an eye, God has changed my circumstances drastically! I can feel God moving in my life in a tremendous way and I don't think He's done. I've had this happen to me once before; when my children came to me through adoption. He left no shadow of doubt in my mind that He had created my children for me and me for my children. I have a center of unshakeable calm, as though I am literally in the palm of His hand while He works in my circumstances. I am humbled and awestruck. Who am I to be blessed by Him in so much? I am His child and He proves over and over and over how very much He loves me!
Happy Thanksgiving!
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It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown!
9.7.08
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RE: The doubts begin - 11/30/2005 8:44:02 PM
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CoeurdeLeon
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Of course, the tremendous intensity of the sense of God moving has lessened. He may have done what He was going to do and it is now just a matter of events playing themselves out. But it's easy to listen to the little lying voice that tells me that it wasn't real. That what I thought was happening was just a series of coincidences. But we know that there are no coincidences. That all things work together for good to those who love God and are called according to His purposes.
The doubts are lies. The truth remains. And I must just wait on Him to reveal the end product of His work. For the fact that He is working is still as real to me as it was a few days ago. Merely with a quiet, more patient calm. I know that if I truly seek Him and His best for me that I will find it. There is no danger that I will somehow, accidently, ruin all He's doing and miss my window of opportunity. The only danger is for me to get ahead of Him and, for me, that is a very real danger. I would rather run ahead and see what's going to happen than enjoy and appreciate each moment of what is happening. And the present is very sweet. I need look no further to see how He loves me. I want to bask in the warmth of His love and savor each moment He is blessing me with.
Yes, the lovingkindness of the living God is far and away better than life.
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It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown!
9.7.08
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RE: Counting it joy! - 12/9/2005 3:25:34 PM
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CoeurdeLeon
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Count it all joy, my brethren, when you meet various trials. James1:2
What a hard saying. Especially when in the midst of the trial. But now. Now, I can thank God for every single hard thing that I have had to endure. For a difficult childhood. For the loss of a child. For a long and horrible marriage and the subsequent divorce. All of that has brought me to this place, at this time and as the person I am. I am so glad to be here and to be as I am! He surely knows just how to accomplish His purposes in us. His timing and ways are perfect.
I do not claim to be a finished product. But I do have the joyful sense that I am where I should be spiritually, mentally and emotionally right now. And I am ready for the next phase, whatever He has for me. However He changes and grows me.
I am a witness to the goodness of God. He has blessed me beyond anything that I could ever ask or hope.
< Message edited by thankful860 -- 12/10/2005 9:44:42 AM >
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It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown!
9.7.08
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RE: Praying for confirmation - 12/20/2005 6:40:21 PM
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CoeurdeLeon
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I have been praying for confirmation that what I think is happening in my life really is what God wants for me. I've felt very confident that it is, but there is always the possibility that I'm ascribing to God's voice my own selfish desires. I really needed some outside confirmation. I'd begun to think it was impossible to receive confirmation about something that I've hardly shared with anyone. Why would I think this? Nothing is impossible with God!
I went to church Sat. evening, as usual, but one of the associate Pastors preached the message. No matter how much he has prepared his messages, he frequently goes off on tangents if he feels led to talk about something specific. Well, he was preaching his message, and it was a good one, too! And, out of the blue, with no rhyme or reason, he spoke the same words I've been hearing in my spirit for the last 6 weeks. It had nothing to do with the sermon and, after he said it, he went on with the rest of his message.
Well, sometimes I need a 2x4 to the head, but I think I heard loud and clear the answer to my prayer! God is good, all the time! All the time, God is good!
What a blessing when God wants to give you a precious gift and it's the one thing you most desire in this life. "Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart". He is so faithful with His promises!
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It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown!
9.7.08
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This winter is different - 1/24/2006 12:29:19 PM
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CoeurdeLeon
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For the last 13 years or so, I've had trouble getting through the winter without falling into "winter blues" at some point. The season is so long here and drags so terribly that, eventually, I have always exhausted whatever creativity and resourcefulness I've ever had in dealing with it.
This year is different somehow, though. I think alot of it has to do with finding other believers online to fellowship with. "Talking" to others about spiritual things (as well as being goofy in a good, clean way) keeps spiritual matters at the forefront of my mind. I think it's a very strange thing to have to find brothers and sisters in the faith over the internet but, thank God I have found them! I have been encouraged, had my ideas challenged, have had to think through some interesting and challenging issues and decide what exactly I believe God says to me about them. I've been stretched and I've grown. And I've shared laughter and joking with some very funny people!
I've made some truly good friends here. Friendships that I pray will last through time and distance becoming sweeter and fuller yet.
The present is sweet and there's nothing blue about it and, for that, I am *Thankful*.
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It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown!
9.7.08
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RE: This winter is different - 2/6/2006 5:29:53 PM
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CoeurdeLeon
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I don't know why and I don't know how but this particular time in my life is becoming so incredibly precious. I am happier than I have ever been. My joy remains the same, through good and bad, the joy that Christ gives has been with me. But, and I think it's the first time in my entire life, I AM HAPPY. At first, I didn't even know what this sensation was.
There's no particular reason for it. I don't think I'm any more "spiritual" than I've ever been. I know I certainly don't deserve it. But, God in His abundant love, has given me this season of my life and filled it with happiness and laughter and friends. What a blessing! I'm so glad that I know from whence it comes so that I can thank the ONE who is the source of all good and perfect gifts.
And I'm glad to have been given the capacity to recognize it and appreciate it. When this season is over, be it long- or short-lived, I will have the memory of it to sweeten whatever darker days the future holds for me. A double blessing!
It's a time of peace, as well. Peace with myself most of all. I don't have to fight to keep myself, the "me" at the core, intact. I am content, I am hopeful and God is the giver of it all. He truly gives us abundantly more than we could ever ask or hope for!
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It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown!
9.7.08
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RE: Do not fuss and fret - 2/12/2006 11:23:45 PM
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CoeurdeLeon
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One tiny kernel of doubt and I go all to pieces. Where is my great faith in my God? Why do I feel like I must know what's going to happen? Is that all my faith amounts to? Trusting God when I have a certain sense of surety about what He's going to do? What about all the rest of the time? I seem to let things run 'round and 'round in my head, coming to no conclusions because there are no conclusions to come to. I don't know what God knows, I am not privy to His thoughts and plans regarding me. The only thing I do know, and often forget, is that He does think about me and has plans for me. And He is far more trustworthy than I. Much better to wait on a plan of God to be fulfilled than to fuss and fret over what I think ought to happen. I know, without doubt, that my ways and my plans will lead me to misery. Whereas, God alone knows what is best for me. He cares for me, more than I care for myself. He sees my circumstances, my desires, my heart. He knows me completely where I only know myself in part.
I will trust in the Lord, my God. He, and He alone, has my best interest at heart. Not my ease, comfort and pleasure, but my best. I do not want anything less than what He deems the best for me.
Oh God, I want your best in my life. Help me to want your best. Help me to only want what you have for me. Help me to seek you and to follow your ways more closely. Amen
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It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown!
9.7.08
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Harbinger of hope - 2/23/2006 9:55:52 AM
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CoeurdeLeon
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This morning I awoke to sunny skies and bare ground. Less than 2 hours later, the sky was white and the ground covered in snow. And yet, I saw a robin this morning. I think it was a robin. Yes. I insist that it was indeed a robin! See, I'm feeling the need for a little confirmation of my hope that spring will come. In spite of knowing it in my head. In spite of having seen it come, without fail, year after year. So it comes as no surprise to me that I often long for a hint from God that other hopes will be realized.
Yesterday's reading in My Utmost for His Highest (Oswald Chambers) contained the line "If our hopes are being disappointed just now, it means that they are being purified." I'm not sure that my hopes are being disappointed, I'm actually still getting over the surprise that I have some of the hopes that I do. Things that six months ago I was sure that I would never want again have become increasingly desirable to me. I believe that God raised those hopes from the dead. Only He could. So I must believe that He will work in the fulfilling of those hopes. And I truly do want those hopes to be purified. Even if that means temporary disappointment. At least I want to want that. Who can purposely ask for disappointment? It's beyond my feebleness at this point.
Sometimes maintaining hope requires terrific tenacity. Holding on with all my puny strength to the knowledge that all good and perfect gifts come from God. I don't want a gift that is not good and perfect and not from God. Anything I have to take for myself is not worth having. And so I cling to God and to the hope that he has put in me and I thank Him for the snow while looking forward to the flowers!
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It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown!
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Happiness in humility - 3/26/2006 8:44:35 PM
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CoeurdeLeon
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I'm still adjusting and absorbing the lessons God is teaching me through letting me fall. I talk with someone dear to me about David and him being a "man after God's own heart" and what he knew that made him that way. How he would mess up royally but, instead of beating himself up over it and making himself useless, he would bring his failings before God and hand them over to Him. And when we hand our shortcomings, failures and sins to God, He turns them around for our good. But what my dear friend doesn't know is that I'm talking to myself as well as to him. Perhaps more so.
Because I need to hear it. I need to hear it even if I'm the one who has to say it. The tendency to figuratively flog myself unmercifully for being so incredibly stupid is very strong. But that will make me more than miserable. It will make me useless. I may not be an important part of the body of Christ but I am a part. And if I let my pride (because that's what it is) continue to berate me, I will not be capable of doing my bit. How easy to fall into the trap of thinking we are humble because we do not easily forgive ourselves and continually cast up our weaknesses or blunders. But it is insidious pride. Do I think that I am smarter than the rest of the human race? More holy? Stronger in faith? I must if I think that I must continue to browbeat myself over the things I do. Others can be forgiven, but me? I'm so good I should never have fallen in the first place. Arrogant!
So I think I'll take David's example and give over beating myself up and give the whole thing to my Father. In the same way that I can't stand against anything without Christ, so too, I can't do a thing with my failures. Only God can and I think I'll let Him and not tell Him His business anymore. At least until I forget again.....
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It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown!
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Stormfront - 4/12/2006 9:38:25 PM
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CoeurdeLeon
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Looks like we're going to get a storm. I love thunderstorms. Always have. Even after having been in a flood caused by days of storms and having a house fire caused by lightning. Makes no difference, I still love 'em.
When my daughter was very little and a storm was coming and the wind was blowing, she used to run to the top of the hill and stretch her little arms to heaven and just holler into the wind. I loved it that she felt the same way about it as I did. Thunderstorms, hurricanes, blizzards, they are but a shadow of the power of God. But they are a frequent reminder of it. Think on the awesomeness of creation and then think of how much more awesome is the Creator.
It's good to be reminded that we serve an awesome God. The One who directs the winds and causes the oceans to move. We see in part the amazing power and we must be humbled that Someone so powerful could be concerned with us. I am often reminded of what Mephibosheth says to David, "Who am I, oh Lord, that thou shouldst consider a dead dog like me?" That pretty much sums up how I feel about the God of the universe caring about someone like me. It doesn't make any sense. But I thank Him that He does care for me, undeserving as I am. I thank Him that He gave me the capacity to be cognizant of Him and His love.
He didn't have to, you know.
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It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown!
9.7.08
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The scent of water - 5/6/2006 12:20:43 PM
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CoeurdeLeon
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He changes a wilderness into a pool of water,
And a dry land into springs of water;
Psalm 107:35
This is what He has done and is doing. He has taken the wilderness that was my life and is causing it to be changed to a deep, cool, refreshing pool of clear water. Fed by the springs of His great love.
I am always moved by the sight, sound, smell and feel of water. So this verse strikes a chord so deep that words must be mined and coaxed out of the depths to even talk about it. I was in the wilderness for so long that I felt like Ezekiel's bones. So dried up that nothing would ever, ever, ever restore me. I had been in the wilderness so long that I believed that was how God really wanted me. Dried up, with only enough strength to cling stubbornly to Him. And, stubbornly, desperately, I did cling.
And, in His time, He has done so many things externally that have changed my wilderness into an oasis. But, even more so, in two years, He has radically altered my internal landscape. He has filled the valleys and clefts of my hopelessness and helplessness with living waters of hope and joy, peace and anticipation. He has, in a very true and literal sense, brought me back to life. Not a crippled half-life. Full, abundant, joyful, abandoned LIFE!
And don't get the wrong idea. I did nothing in this time. I didn't pray more, I didn't seek Him more, I didn't read His Word more. If anything, I did those things less. I had, quite simply, collapsed into His arms. And this is what He did. To Him, and Him alone, goes the credit. Each and everyday He makes me more and more Thankful to Him for His unmerited grace toward me.
I know I talk about this theme alot. But it's been such an amazing time in my life. One in which God's fingerprints are all over it. And I know, beyond a shadow of doubt, that I have had no hand in anything that has happened. I can't even begin to have the slightest bit of self-righteousness or pride about it. So I tell you this as a witness to God's amazing goodness and love for us.
May He change your wilderness into a pool of water.
< Message edited by thankful860 -- 5/6/2006 2:30:12 PM >
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It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown!
9.7.08
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Growing up - 5/31/2006 11:24:13 PM
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CoeurdeLeon
Posts: 8992
Joined: 9/4/2005
From: Inside my head
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