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marriage again - 4/25/2008 6:49:43 PM
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Keabird
Posts: 873
Joined: 4/11/2005
Status: offline
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Hello all,
I am asking prayer regarding my marriage again. At this point there doesn't appear to be anything else I can do and have not given up as such, but handed it over to the Lord for Him to do whatever.
Some of you may recall that hubby and I did a very good marriage course, over 6 months ago now. It was a direct answer to prayer. We got back together on the basis that the skills learned in the course would be continued afterwards.
For the next couple of months, hubby did put them into practise and things went very well. Issues were discussed properly and we were able to resolve them which in itself is proof that the skills were very good skills. (They basically meant taking the time to listen to each other and then negotiate solutions.) Hubby has always had great difficulty letting me having a say but he did try hard there for a while.
Alas, over the past 2 months he has gradually dropped back into the old habits of blowing up, shutting down, and refusing to talk. I gently suggested that perhaps we could sit and go through the course booklet again to remind ourselves of what we committed to do, but he refused. Since then he has got worse and worse, and finally last night his actions were those of his old abuse cycle - losing his temper, calling me uncomplimentary descriptions, storming off to another room to sleep, then getting on the phone to someone else and refusing to talk to me. Today he has taken off somewhere, I have no idea where.
This is the very behaviour we have split up over before.
The events that spark off these behaviors are usually somewhat trivial. Sometimes I can ignore it, but sometimes it is over things that are a basic health right, that I can't ignore due to either neglect to my kids or as in this case, cruelty to an animal. So sometimes I have to stand my ground and that is what brings on his tantrums.
If I ignore his behaviour this time, then he will know he can go back to behaving like that regularly. But if we separate, it will be the last time.
I believe he needs deliverance (although have not dared to mention that for well over a year!) but he does not believe that Christians ever need deliverance (although my testimony involves that very thing) and he also tells me I have a demon, even though he doesn't believe in Christians having demons!
There's a lot of irrational stuff in what he says.
Please pray as you feel led. I am just waiting to see what happens. I can't fight for this physically anymore i.e. no more counselling. Enough is enough.
_____________________________
"The thief comes to kill, steal and destroy, but I have come that you may have life and have it abundantly." John 10:10
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RE: marriage again - 4/25/2008 7:14:19 PM
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Keabird
Posts: 873
Joined: 4/11/2005
Status: offline
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Just in case anyone feels I was a bit vague about the animal thing, I will explain specifically what happened in this instance. I'll furnish some background info.
As a teenager, I bred budgerigars (parakeets to some!  ) I had stopped in my first marriage, and have always wanted to take up the hobby again. Hubby, with his aversion to smells and noises, has not been keen on me getting them, saying they are too messy and he can't stand their chirping. So I didn't get them - until we split up last year, and I thought it was going to be permanent. So I got a pair of birds, kept inside, in a cage which I keep tidy and clean.
When hubby and I reconciled, he accepted that they were there without a fuss (ironically he also had birds as a teenager but his were outside, in a much warmer climate. How he coped with the chirping then, I have no idea!)
My birds are in a room on their own, which is the sunniest one that is unused. Originally I thought he would want it for his artwork, but he didn't. Our house is up on a hill on the coast, with prevailing winds off the sea in one direction, and northerly winds from another direction. There is no suitable site on the section in which to keep them outside. (Birds can handle a certain amount of cold but not drafts, according to our local breeders.) We initially tried having the birds outside in a big cage on the deck, but I could see they were always fluffed up trying to stay warm, and there was always a wind. On top of that, the local cats discovered them. So I insisted on bringing them inside, and that's when they got put in the small sunny room, that hubby didn't want to use anyway. He did accept that without much fuss.
SInce then I have added another pair of birds, and they are all in a bigger indoor flight, which I also am careful to keep clean.
Fast forward to last week. We are heading into winter, and being in the wind, the house gets chilled. I noticed one of my birds was sick - some kind of breathing problem. I alerted hubby and said the bird would need to be kept warm. My intention was to put a heater with a thermostat on in the room, just enough to keep the chill off the room. Hubby threw a fit, citing high power bills, and physically removed the heater from the room. I was very upset, but I let it go and hoped the bird would get better anyway. That was about a week ago. A few days later, the bird was worse, so after trying various home remedies recommended by our local breeders (keep in mind here that hubby hates spending money on anything that is not of benefit to him so I was trying to avoid vet fees) I finally took him to a vet. The very first thing she suggested was putting a heater in the room to keep him warm. She gave him a shot etc, and I came home. I told hubby what she said about the heater, so then he said I could just have it going at night. So I let it go at that.
However, I was thinking about the coming winter, and how it is going to get MUCH colder, even inside, and I nicely suggested to hubby last night that perhaps I could pay the extra for any power bills if I felt a need to have the heater going even once the bird is better, for the sake of all the birds.
That is when he had the tantrum. He said a flat "no" and then proceeded to call me not very nice things, and eventually the behaviour described in my first post.
Of course, I could get rid of all the birds - that would please him. But that would mean that he gets to have the hobby he wants (thousands of $ of militaria) but I do not, unless he preapproves everything I do with the hobby. THis is no exaggeration and the control comes out in many other areas too.
For me the bottom line here is one of kindness and treating animals properly. Unfortunately he is not a kind person and I really struggle with that too.
Anyway just wanted to give a better idea of why this happened last night. His tantrums in previous weeks were about other issues.
_____________________________
"The thief comes to kill, steal and destroy, but I have come that you may have life and have it abundantly." John 10:10
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RE: marriage again - 4/25/2008 7:34:57 PM
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Pidge
Posts: 51
Joined: 11/7/2006
From: UK
Status: offline
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This sort of thing gets much bigger than it really is because it dredges out past hurt.
Could you go sideways at it ?
For example if you were to put in the aviary a separate heated area the entire room wouldn't need heating. I used to hatch hens' eggs in a simple incubator made from a cardboard carton inside a larger one with straw or polystyrene insulation between the layers. A low powered light bulb costing very little to run was all that was required to keep it cosy.
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RE: marriage again - 4/25/2008 7:53:56 PM
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dontbelonghere
Posts: 253
Joined: 3/25/2007
Status: offline
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Lord,
Abuse cycles and broken marriages hurt so badly. Please comfort keabird.
Give her guidance and wisdom. Also, grant the same to her husband.
Bring about healing and deliverance.- As we pray in the Lords prayer, DELIVER us from evil. Please to this in their lives.
Amen
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RE: marriage again - 4/25/2008 10:02:14 PM
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Imnotmyown
Posts: 425
Joined: 4/27/2005
Status: offline
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Father, Please intervene in Keabird's husband's life
and teach him empathy and consideration for
others. In Jesus' name, Amen
_____________________________
I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me.
Philippians 4:13
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RE: marriage again - 4/26/2008 1:14:17 AM
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Keabird
Posts: 873
Joined: 4/11/2005
Status: offline
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Hi Pidge, yes I had also considered the bulb option. At the time I didn't have the equipment for that but I DID have a fairly efficient heater with a thermostat. THe bird thing is not the issue - it is a symptom of a bigger issue which has always been there - that the husband rules the wife with an iron rod and the wife does not have to be taken seriously. He has had that mindset our entire marriage. There is no "love your wives as Christ loved the church" - I don't think he has any understanding of that scripture passage at all.
Thank you for the prayers all.
Hubby has been out all day, I have no idea where, but he has obviously been talking to a bunch of people, because when he came home, he DEMANDED that I talk to him - although it was really HIM wanting to do the talking. He accused me of wanting "power" to say everything that goes on in this home, that I wanted to have a heater in the birdroom on 24/7. I responded calmly that he was wrong on all counts. He said what then? I said that I wanted to have a heater on only AS IT WAS NEEDED and that it had nothing to do with wanting "power", I was just being a responsible bird owner to these little creatures. He then became very angry and the putdowns began again, with him "dropping names" of all the people he has presumably spoken to who have said negative things about me. Of course, that causes me to not want to speak to any of those people again, which is exactly what he intends. In counselling, the counsellor described that as an "isolation" abuse - make the victim feel they are alone and no one is there for them. The horrible thing is, it works. I don't know who I can talk to, because presumably, they all think and talk yucky things of me.
Nothing is resolved. I think it is the end of the road for us. But I have got to the point where I am tired and can't be bothered with any of it any more.
_____________________________
"The thief comes to kill, steal and destroy, but I have come that you may have life and have it abundantly." John 10:10
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RE: marriage again - 4/26/2008 6:05:35 AM
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conrack50
Posts: 526
Joined: 4/23/2005
From: 200 N. Bryan Ave. Shawnee, Ok 74801
Status: offline
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Our Heavenly Father,
We ask that You touch keabird's marriage and make it whole.
We ask that You fill both of them with the "joy of the Lord".
We ask that You show her husband how wondrous Your works are.
We ask that You rebuke the devourer and let Your love show in this family.
We ask that You work long life miracles within this family Father God.
We ask this in the Mighty Name of Jesus, Amen.
Connie Lou
_____________________________
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RE: marriage again - 4/26/2008 8:30:30 AM
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sparkleingsnow
Posts: 3450
Joined: 1/9/2007
From: Payson, Arizona
Status: offline
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Father, I just don't even know what to ask for. But I know that You know what is best, and I ask that Your perfect will is done in all this. That You would bless and help and comfort Keabird, and let her feel Your love for her, both from You and through others You have and will place around her. May Your will be done Father. In Jesus precious name. Amen
_____________________________
Bless the Lord, O my soul: and all that is
within me, bless his holy name.
Psalm 103:1
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RE: marriage again - 4/26/2008 10:16:00 AM
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barbi
Posts: 1833
Joined: 5/22/2005
From: New York
Status: offline
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(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((KEA)))))))))))))))))))
praying in agreement with the others
we are here for you and will be as supportive and encouraging as we can be
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RE: marriage again - 4/26/2008 3:28:48 PM
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peaceofGod
Posts: 7110
Joined: 11/30/2005
From: Texas
Status: offline
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Father,
Please inject your goodness into this marriage according to what you know to be best; heal their wounds and their scars; and shower them with your gentle solutions. We ask in the name of Jesus Christ that you do what is best. Thank you for all that you will do. Amen.
_____________________________
Jn 14:27;Php 4:6-8 Peace
Jim's Blog
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RE: marriage again - 4/27/2008 5:15:37 AM
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Keabird
Posts: 873
Joined: 4/11/2005
Status: offline
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Thank you. Your words and prayers of encouragement and caring mean so very much.
This morning it had all turned around again. Perhaps it was the Lord answering your prayers? Perhaps it was hubby coming out the other end of the cycle? In any case, I give God the glory and continue to look to Him.
Last night I slept alone again, with hubby downstairs, having demanded his savings money and told me he would be moving out on Monday. I went to bed, drearily trying to cope with the thought of facing life as a single again, thinking about what I would do with my life, trying to plan for paying rent on my own etc.
During the night, I realized that I hadn't heard any sounds from hubby, who was sleeping downstairs. Usually he goes to the bathroom in the night, but I heard nothing. My curiosity and concern got the better of me - was he even there? Or had he dropped dead down there?
Early this morning I boldly opened the door to see if he was there. I was greeted with a very cheerful, loving, "hello [Sherri]!" It was the last thing I expected so I didn't respond but just went upstairs again.
Not long after, he came into our bedroom and humbly TALKED. This, unfortunately is a standard part of an abuse cycle - once the angry passion is over, the person usually feels sorry and tries to make amends. I pointed this out to hubby, and said to him that there was damage done, and he could not just expect me to forget it all happened. He acknowledged that and we talked more calmly about the bird issue, which suddenly didn't seem to be an issue any more. I suggested to him that when I first mentioned the sick bird, a loving response could have been to say "I'm sorry the bird is not well. What can I do to help?" He admitted nothing like that even occurred to him.
So now he's all wanting to be together again and has been nice as pie. But I'm fully aware that the same thing could happen again over something else, and have said as much - that what about next time? He does not realize the roller coaster this does to the emotions - to be planning a future alone one day and to be told the next morning that it's all fine again. This causes a mistrust in me and it's hard not to distance myself somewhat.
Over the last couple of weeks I did keep having the idea to open up to a couple in our church. Finally I called them yesterday and explained that I needed pastoral support (they are not pastors but a mature couple in the church who are often in a leadership role and they co-ordinated the marriage course we did). I asked if I could explain my situation so that if things got bad, I could at least call and ask them to pray, so that at least someone would know. They are willing, so I will see them in a couple of days.
So I thank and praise the Lord, yet I walk cautiously. I asked for His will to be done, so it would seem it is still His will for us to remain together.
In Him
Sherri
_____________________________
"The thief comes to kill, steal and destroy, but I have come that you may have life and have it abundantly." John 10:10
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RE: marriage again - 4/27/2008 7:19:13 AM
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tbrobinson
Posts: 257
Joined: 5/11/2005
From: MIAMI Florida
Status: offline
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Father,
Please bless and support Keabird in this time. Bless her with wisdom and strength, as she tries to honor her marriage. Please convice the husband of his actions, convict to continue with counseling, put a change agent into his life.
Let YOUR peace be in this marriage.
In Jesus name
Amen
_____________________________
Psalm 118.5/6 In my anguish I cried out to the Lord and he answered me by setting me free. The Lord is with me, I will not be afraid.
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RE: marriage again - 4/27/2008 11:49:54 AM
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Chrystal-J-007
Posts: 443
Joined: 4/11/2005
From: Detroit
Status: offline
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*Praying for you! That you will find peace in this situation*
_____________________________
Worry looks around, Sorrow looks back, Faith looks up
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RE: marriage again - 4/27/2008 1:32:25 PM
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Itlyn1kc
Posts: 1041
Status: offline
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Lord, please please protect keabird in this situation. I beg you Lord to please touch this husband and heal him completely, soften his heart and allow this marriage to be strong and come back together..Please, i feel very strongly about this Lord and I hate to see such a sweet woman be talking to or treated like this, when it is so wrong that she stay there and have to deal with this. She doesn't deserve this and I just pray for her to be strong and lean on you Lord.
I am praying for you..in jesus name...
amen amen amen
kc
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RE: marriage again - 4/28/2008 3:10:16 AM
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Keabird
Posts: 873
Joined: 4/11/2005
Status: offline
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Thank you. My wee bird died today. I am glad he is no longer suffering. Then I got the news that an aunty died last night. I had asked for prayer for her recently, as she was not saved. We kept praying for her salvation to the end, so I don't know where she stood, but know the Lord is just and loving and His will is done.
_____________________________
"The thief comes to kill, steal and destroy, but I have come that you may have life and have it abundantly." John 10:10
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RE: marriage again - 4/29/2008 5:05:37 PM
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Imnotmyown
Posts: 425
Joined: 4/27/2005
Status: offline
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Keabird, my sympathies for you in the death of your aunty.
Father,
Please work in Keabird's husband's heart to teach him
empathy and consideration of others, especially towards his
wife . In Jesus' Name Amen
_____________________________
I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me.
Philippians 4:13
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