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porn - 4/18/2008 12:34:17 AM
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ex-prodigal
Posts: 4
Joined: 4/17/2008
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[:(  Hi,I'm new to the forum and need serious help.My story is too long,so I'll give short version.I've been married fifteen years.I love my wife deeply,but have had a lust problem(even involving porn)for most of my life(also intimacy issues,anger issues,etc. but have come a LONG WAY with these).I struggled with God and my salvation for years(I accepted Christ after meeting my wife),which led to my falling away from both.Had repented several times before but ended up falling to temptation again,and I couldn't find it in myself to confess or commit fully to my wife(I hated to do this to her,but seemed to have limited control).This left her crushed,and me back-slidden,but she would stay with me(by the way,she is a good,godly woman;excellent example of a wife).I have let her down again,and she says we are 'over'(I have been walking in darkness for so long!) and this broke me like I have never been before.Monday after Easter weekend I repented to her and God and decided to do a course @Setting Captives Free(just completed day 22) and truely committed to my wife(which I couldn't do before,out of fear of failing) and God,and vowed to do everything I had to to make us work.I also got rid of the 'trash' that I had.She said that we are coming into a new season with God and that He told her to divorce me,I believe that God put us together and that we need to let Him work a great thing in our lives;both individually and as a couple.I understand that her trust and love again,will take time,but she is not interested in 'us' anymore.I feel that she has turned an ear(resulting from her hurt)to some bad counsel of some 'christian' friends(satan would like to see us split;he works in the church too);How(aside from God's help)can I repair the damage that I have done?She is everything in this world to me and I have lived with the torment of knowing that I have hurt her and let her down so many times.I have been a fool!All input is greatly appreciated,God bless!
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RE: porn - 4/18/2008 10:02:45 AM
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Szaftoo
Posts: 938
Joined: 4/13/2005
From: So. Calif.
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I am sorry I can't be of any help, however, are you a part of a church or do you have a pastor who can agree with you in prayer for your marriage?
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RE: porn - 4/18/2008 10:35:13 PM
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ex-prodigal
Posts: 4
Joined: 4/17/2008
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Szaftoo
I am sorry I can't be of any help, however, are you a part of a church or do you have a pastor who can agree with you in prayer for your marriage?
Yes,I have started attending church again.It is a great body of believers,and they have lovingly welcomed me back.So has God,my heart has been opened to many things and my thought life has changed consideribly.I have been in contact with a few brothers/sisters;requesting prayer and seeking some counsel.I struggle with fear that I am going to lose her(I know this is sin and not of God),but trying to keep faith!Thank you for your response;I really thought there would be more....
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RE: porn - 4/19/2008 10:01:25 AM
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LivingParadox
Posts: 279
Joined: 2/28/2007
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Congratulations on turning to God to help you with this issue. No matter the outcome of your current situation I have no doubt this will be the most important action you could have taken.
It's been over ten years since I divorced and although it wasn't the only reason we divorced, the struggle you speak was a huge problem for my ex-husband. It is like a slow drip on a relationship as it IS cheating, destroys intimacy, not to mention the spiritual damage it causes for both. Quite simply, it is unacceptable and a line-in the sand issue for a current relationship or a future one.
As for your wife, it took 15 years for her to get to this place. She simply does not trust what you say. I do believe in saving the marriage if at all possible. You are the one that has to prove yourself. You need to listen to her and give her the space neccessary while making it clear your intention is to restore the relationship. It may take time, humility, and "actions" not just words -- even then there are no guarentees. No matter the outcome you'll be a better person. Praying for restoration in your life as well as your relationship.
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RE: porn - 4/19/2008 6:05:43 PM
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frazzledmom
Posts: 280
Joined: 7/4/2007
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Pornography nearly tore my marriage apart. We are still together, but it has been a very long, painful journey. Your wife has every right to feel hurt-you have lived a double life and she doesn't know what to believe anymore. It will take time, God's healing and probably some professional help for both of you to overcome this issue. Your porn use meets some sort of need in you life- a way of dealing with difficult emotions, insecurities, fear, anger. If you can identify those needs and feelings and develop healthy habits and ways of dealing with those uncomfortable feelings, that is a big step in the right direction. It might take professional help. Find a counselor that is familiar with sex addicition and recovery. Many addiction issues are rooted in a less than perfect relationship with a father. It leaves a hole in the heart....we try to fill it somehow with whatever we think will work.....drugs, alcohol, success and achievement. These hurts often skew our image of God. Part of the healing process will be to get an accurate picture of who God is, and an accurate picture of who you are in relationship to God. Chances are, if you are using porn, you have bought a pack of lies. Don't buy it anymore and start learning who God really is and who you really are. IT WILL CHANGE YOU!
Also, food for thought......underneath many addictions is undiagnosed ADD. My husband found that the endorphine surge was what helped him concentrate and focus for many years. Now we are on a new journey of health and wholeness dealing with ADD issues. It might be worth taking a few online tests to see if you fit the profile, then getting an official test with a psychologist if things point in that direction.
It is possible to overcome this challenge. It takes a lot of effort, grace and prayer from both people involved. Both of you will need to be committed to reconciliation and restoration.
Best Wishes
Frazzledmom
_____________________________
I hear, I forget.
I see, I remember.
I do, I understand.
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RE: porn - 4/21/2008 12:30:00 AM
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ex-prodigal
Posts: 4
Joined: 4/17/2008
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quote:
ORIGINAL: frazzledmom
Pornography nearly tore my marriage apart. We are still together, but it has been a very long, painful journey. Your wife has every right to feel hurt-you have lived a double life and she doesn't know what to believe anymore. It will take time, God's healing and probably some professional help for both of you to overcome this issue. Your porn use meets some sort of need in you life- a way of dealing with difficult emotions, insecurities, fear, anger. If you can identify those needs and feelings and develop healthy habits and ways of dealing with those uncomfortable feelings, that is a big step in the right direction. It might take professional help. Find a counselor that is familiar with sex addicition and recovery. Many addiction issues are rooted in a less than perfect relationship with a father. It leaves a hole in the heart....we try to fill it somehow with whatever we think will work.....drugs, alcohol, success and achievement. These hurts often skew our image of God. Part of the healing process will be to get an accurate picture of who God is, and an accurate picture of who you are in relationship to God. Chances are, if you are using porn, you have bought a pack of lies. Don't buy it anymore and start learning who God really is and who you really are. IT WILL CHANGE YOU!
Also, food for thought......underneath many addictions is undiagnosed ADD. My husband found that the endorphine surge was what helped him concentrate and focus for many years. Now we are on a new journey of health and wholeness dealing with ADD issues. It might be worth taking a few online tests to see if you fit the profile, then getting an official test with a psychologist if things point in that direction.
It is possible to overcome this challenge. It takes a lot of effort, grace and prayer from both people involved. Both of you will need to be committed to reconciliation and restoration.
Best Wishes
Frazzledmom
 See,I did have a long story.I have noticed over the last several years ,some 'things' that I do.I read some stuff(at different times/places) that was an article about A.D.D and one on O.C.D.(a few years later),both of which I suffer symptoms of.I never noticed how I was until this was brought to my attention;I thought'I do some of those things'.I started noticing that I did them more than I realized.So,I researched them on-line( a few years after my 'revelations')and the tests that I took suggested I get professional help(I scored pretty high).This is expensive!During my research,I was turned on to the condition of "Dis-associative disorder"which,unfortunately,is another thing that sounds just like me!What is a person to do with so many screwed-up conditions?How do they play into all of this(or,do they?)Only God can fix this.Hey,God bless all those responding!Much appreciated.
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RE: porn - 4/22/2008 11:28:35 AM
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frazzledmom
Posts: 280
Joined: 7/4/2007
Status: offline
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Dear Ex-Prodigal
Brain chemistry is so complicated and fascinating. There are many variables that affect the delicate balances within the brain-nutrition, stress, emotions, to name a few. THis is definitely an area where you will need professional help and guidance. For support go check out the mental health support thread -a lot of people have similar underlying issues.
The book that has helped me the most is the ADD Nutrition Solution. It might help if you are looking for alternatives to psychotropic drugs. Dr. Daniel Amen has done a lot of research on brain function and chemistry and has several books out there. Again, this is getting slightly off topic, so go check out the mental health thread.
Aside from that, get into a weekly accountability relationship with someone with whom you can talk to and trust. Choose two or three areas you want them to ask you about each week.
Get professional help. Get plugged in to a church. Look around for Celebrate Recovery programs in your area. It's a Christ-centered 12-step program that has helped thousands of people get free from the bondage of addictions and hurtful habits.
Best Wishes for health and wholeness
Frazzledmom
_____________________________
I hear, I forget.
I see, I remember.
I do, I understand.
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RE: porn - 4/26/2008 12:09:34 AM
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aldrmctchr
Posts: 17
Joined: 4/26/2008
Status: offline
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I can tell you first hand from a woman's point of view that it is a very crushing, life altering blow. My husband and I who were married almost 16 years when I discovered numerous pornography events, email accounts, solicitation online of one night stands. He refuses to own up to it as being anything "that bad". I can tell you it is and I commend you for taking the nec steps to get your house back into order. He wanted the divorce not me, I was willing to do whatever it took, he wasn't willing to do that. Even if you end up "not married" trust that God will see you through either way and believe you me HE has a plan for you.
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RE: porn - 4/27/2008 3:13:42 PM
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csl7037
Posts: 280
Joined: 3/24/2008
Status: offline
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Yours is a compicated situation and you've gotten good advice above. I can't add much to that. But I want to point out that Moses allowed divorce because of the hardness of the people's hearts (Mt 19:8) but I do not believe for a minute, unless you're a danger to her or to your children, that God is telling her to divorce you. It's debatable, I guess, but this betrayal may rise to the level of justification for divorce. And if her heart is too wounded to recover, if she chooses to divorce you, He can continue to work in both your lives and life will go on in whatever direction it must. But I wouldn't let her get away with laying it on God.
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RE: porn - 5/3/2008 1:07:22 PM
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ladyamythist
Posts: 56
Joined: 4/28/2008
Status: offline
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Professional help and prayer...lots of prayer....
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RE: porn - 5/5/2008 9:04:03 PM
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tbrobinson
Posts: 175
Joined: 5/11/2005
From: MIAMI Florida
Status: offline
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Amigo,
This I understand. I have fought the fight. AND I have been punished for it.
You have to take discreet steps.
1. No alone time on the computer. Sorry.
2. If you travel, you must have the TV take from your room.
3. You must have a serious accountability partner.
4. You MUST decide not to look at women as sexy. Look at the floor, look at the ceiling.
Only you can decide if you want to have a wife or not. Sorry if this is harsh, but I have walked the walk.
_____________________________
Psalm 118.5/6 In my anguish I cried out to the Lord and he answered me by setting me free. The Lord is with me, I will not be afraid.
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Thank you Frazzledmom,I pray God's blessings on you and your household.Your input has been very helpful.I am glad to know that you were able to keep your marriage together,it has been stories like yours that have given me hope(I realize I don't 'know' your story,but...).You seem like you have experience with a lot of things,thank you for sharing.P.S.:Me and my wife are working things out in a great way,God has been so generous with His grace,we are both experiencing healing and are being restored to each other.It is SO beautiful!God bless!
