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punishment - 6/8/2008 9:02:05 PM
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eternallyfree_2007
Posts: 3
Joined: 6/8/2008
Status: offline
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Last week my 10 yr old son started to sass and back talk I tried to redirect him and was unsuccessful. He began raising his voice and I warned him that if he didn't stop I would spank him. He continued to get worse in his behaviors and so I spank him 2 or 3 swats on the butt. he got up and hit me. Not hard enough to hurt but that is beside the point. I have grounded him from tv, radio , computer and all video games until he learns how to behave. He understands that his grounding will be based upon his actions and attitude.
Here is the problem, my ex does not want to follow through witht the punishment I have laid down. Hesays that the kids have 2 different worlds and because my son did not misbehave for him then my son is not grounded while he is with him. So when my kids are with their father tomorrow my son will be able to watch tv, play games and do whatever else he wishes to do. He hasn't even been grounded for a week.
Am I looking at things wrong feeling that the punishment should stick regardless of where the kids are?
Please help. I would be really greatfull for all the advice and prayers I can get
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RE: punishment - 6/8/2008 10:11:54 PM
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4IMPersuaded
Posts: 424
Joined: 11/17/2007
From: Florence, KY
Status: offline
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Bless your heart-- I can offer prayer, but little in terms of helpful advice. I have seen how children suffer in divorce and it is unfortunate that your exhusband isn't mature enough to see how this will undermine your authority with your son. Here is the up-side, though. Your son knows what he did was wrong and I truly beleive that he did it to test you. Children, without really knowing why, test their parents to see if they are truly loved. They feel secure with limits. Your son now knows what his limit is with you. In the uncertainty of divorce, a child wants to know if he is still a priority in your lifea and you have shown him that he is.
Stand firm in your conviction and know that the only person you have the power to change is yourself. Keep praying and parenting in the Lord and He will honor that in you.
Hang in there, sister.
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RE: punishment - 6/9/2008 10:10:24 AM
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pbaribeault
Posts: 1111
Joined: 4/29/2005
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I think your ex's assessment is both accurate and fair.
When you are parenting, that's about you & your son and the kind of child you want him to be, and the kind of person you want him to become. Consiqunces are a part of how you do that... when you are doing it.
Your boy's father is a different ball game, and he can not be expected to do your follow through for you. That would be like if you had a grounding that included "no free reading", then phoning the teacher and making her enforce that rule while your boy was at school... not the teacher's job. Similarly it is not your ex's job to continue any disciplinary set up that you are implimenting at your house.
If your ex has limited time with his son, I really see why he doesn't want it contaminated by the negativeness that comes with having to "be the heavy" and enforce a grounding.
If you notice a major problem in your son's behaviour that comes up again and again, they you might consider having a parenting related discussion with your ex, to get on the same page and see what he will contribute to a plan for correcting that behaviour. That's fair when discussed in advance. It's not fair just to expect your rulings to carry over to someone else's home.
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RE: punishment - 6/9/2008 10:14:07 AM
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PrincessDonna
Posts: 10218
Joined: 4/11/2005
From: Cow country, Upstate NY
Status: online
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You choose the discipline at your house, and it continues (if you decide it should) when he returns from his father's. Or you may choose to give him a short leash when he comes home and the first time he sasses, the original consequence is back in play. There are lots of ways to handle it that don't involve his father in any way.
You can't control his father, and he'll have to find his own way to deal with your son mouthing off when he is at his house.
BTW, I am stepmom to a child who gets to do whatever he wants at his mom's house. So I get it...
ETA...because my stepson (7 yo) is here most weekends, we do not make any consequence that will carry over until the next weekend. He starts each visit with us with a clean slate.
< Message edited by PrincessDonna -- 6/9/2008 10:21:28 AM >
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RE: punishment - 6/9/2008 10:15:05 AM
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March7
Posts: 349
Joined: 6/1/2008
From: Western US
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: 4IMPersuaded
Bless your heart-- I can offer prayer, but little in terms of helpful advice. I have seen how children suffer in divorce and it is unfortunate that your exhusband isn't mature enough to see how this will undermine your authority with your son. Here is the up-side, though. Your son knows what he did was wrong and I truly beleive that he did it to test you. Children, without really knowing why, test their parents to see if they are truly loved. They feel secure with limits. Your son now knows what his limit is with you. In the uncertainty of divorce, a child wants to know if he is still a priority in your lifea and you have shown him that he is.
Stand firm in your conviction and know that the only person you have the power to change is yourself. Keep praying and parenting in the Lord and He will honor that in you.
Hang in there, sister.
I have also prayed for you...
_____________________________
"Now to Him who is able to keep you from stumbling and to present you blameless before the presence of His glory with great joy...before all time and now and forever. Amen" (Jude 1:24, ESV).
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