Originally published Tuesday, 29 April 2014.
Everyone has a story.
All of us were once little boys and girls. We all have memories.
Some happy. Some not.
Some we share. Yet, many more lay hidden in the secret pages of our heart.
We try to forget about them.
So that we can be strong. So that we can be happy. So that we can be free.
That's what I thought, until one day, I stood at the cusp of a childhood dream about to come true.
I was going to write a book.
But as my pen hit the paper to capture those moments, they all came alive.
My memories were no longer stories I once told myself.
And I began reliving them.
Unexpected. Painful memories.
Trauma.
Anxiety.
Just a Visit
I was seven years tall.
I didn't want to be afraid. It was supposed to be simple. Just a visit.
On the weekends, my father would come see my sister and me. After the divorce.
I was supposed to climb into the car with the cracking vinyl seats, into the car with the peeling rooftop -- of my daddy's olive green Nova. It smelled like old, dirty ashtrays, as I slid in the back. It smelled sad and lonely. But, I didn't say anything.
I kept quiet as my little sister with chubby wrists and cherub-rose cheeks toddled in to sit beside me. I felt small and awkward, my hands on my lap and shoulders hunched over as my daddy turned around and smiled a little too widely, his eyes begging for me to smile back.
But, I didn't know what to do. Because my momma said nothing about this visit. Other than I better not take anything from him. I better not come home with anything, other than what I left with that morning.
Which was nothing.
As we rode across town, across the train tracks, up and over the metal buildings and smokestacks of the old Del Monte cannery in Sunnyvale, everything stood eerily silent. It was Saturday morning and everyone and everything was still in bed. The streets rolled by empty, as I looked out the window and wondered where we were heading.
I still remember how big the Kay Bee toy store looked as my father tried to hold my hand walking through the parking lot. The square letters spelling K-a-y-B-e-e were suspended kid-tousled happy on the signage way up high.
Even though my little sister couldn't read, she didn't need to. She was getting excited, her little feet hurrying ahead.
But, I knew better. Nothing ever came simple for me.
That day at the toy store ended up just as I had feared. Not simple.
Who I Could Be
The journey of rest has been the same. Not simple.
How do you rest when life is less than perfect -- with stress marring the daily journey?
I've tried to find rest by making a safe place for myself, by putting myself to the side.
By problem solving.
By being strong.
By doing.
I wrestle my anxieties into action plans and check lists to shield myself from vulnerability. I was thankful, sincerely trusting God in what I could do -- but missing out on who I could be -- by trusting Him to rest.
Here I was, all grown up, mom of two beautiful boys, married to a loving husband. Yet, I somehow came to believe incorrectly that if I had faith in God, stress, doubt and pain couldn't touch me.
Awaken Your Heart
It's so much easier to take care of everyone, to tend to problems and everything else. It's easier to be strong and not need or feel.
This is how I've lived my life. Fine and functioning.
Surviving.
But, deep inside, where no one knew -- where I seldom ventured myself -- I was weary. I longed for rest.
Soul rest.
Sometimes the deeper journey of faith is found by following your heart to rest.
Putting our hearts first -- letting Jesus love us -- is a deep, intimate journey of resting with him.
Make room for you.
Feed your soul.
Slow down.
Breathe.
As much as I longed for all this, I didn't know how. Until Jesus took me on a journey of faith to awaken my heart. To be real. To be known. To rest.
I didn't know it at the time, but the day at the toy store would be our last visit together. My daddy and I.
Something New
As I journeyed through stories long forgotten, God was using all my broken pieces to make something beautiful.
Something new.
God transformed my brokenness into a story of discovery.
A story of rest. To find the things I somehow lost along the way.
Quiet.
Stillness.
Intimacy with God.
In that secret place where I dream dreams. Where I can just be me.
In my search for answers, I made an important discovery: we all need spiritual whitespace.
Spiritual Whitespace
White space is used in art and design. It’s the space on a page left unmarked.
It’s not blank – it breathes beauty. It gives the eye a place to rest.
Without it, clutter takes over the page.
Just as beautiful art needs white space, our souls need spiritiual whitespace. We need rest.
God, after all, is an Artist and we are his work of art.
My story is really everyone's story. Everyone long to find a place to breathe –
to dream dreams,
to slow down,
feed their soul,
and be free.
To feel more deeply connected to God. And others.
Make Room For Your Story
Learning to make room for yourself to rest requires risk. It's vulnerable to say, I can't do it all. I need rest.
I eventually went on to complete writing my book about my journey to find rest.
As I uncovered my story, I am finding kindreds on this journey of rest. I realize I'm not so alone anymore.
I think of Jesus. How He made room for you and me.
By living a beautiful, broken story of love. He told this story. By living it.
Sometimes the hardest stories to tell are the most beautiful.
Our stories are the greatest, most beautiful gifts we can offer: ourselves.
Take the journey of spiritual whitespace.
Uncover the stories deep in our souls, to create space in our hearts and in our schedules.
For beauty. For rest. For God.
So we can live a better story.
Today.
Order a copy of my memoir-driven guidebook Finding Spiritual Whitespace: Awakening Your Soul To Rest .
This book is for anyone longing to create space in life to draw closer to God, to rest and discover who they can be when rest becomes their heart's home. I share my heartbreaking journey.
Learn how a childhood dream about to come true unexpectedly launched me into debilitating season through panic attacks and anxiety and how I discoverd a more meaningful and beautiful story of rest.
This book will take you on your own intimate journey — to uncover your stories and make room for you. For God. For rest. To find out more about the book, click here.
Order my book Finding Spiritual Whitespace & Receive Exclusive Bonus Gifts (click here).
"Whitespace is soul grace. Bonnie Gray ushers weary women into the real possibility."
-Ann Voskamp, author of theNew York TimesbestsellerOne Thousand Gifts
"We live in a culture that brags and boasts about being busy. Into that reality steps Bonnie with a new idea.
Whitespace is an important concept and Bonnie has captured it perfectly. If you're exhausted with being exhausted, read this book. If you feel too busy to read this book, then that's probably the best sign of all that you need it."
-Jon Acuff,New York Timesbestselling author ofStart!
"If you want to hear Jesus speak more tenderly to your soul than ever before, this is the book for you. I love Bonnie's honest and unassuming voice. I will be recommending this message to many friends."
-Lysa TerKeurst, New York Timesbestselling author and president of Proverbs 31 Ministries
Bonnie Gray is the soulful writer behind FaithBarista.com serving up shots of faith for the daily grind. She is a contributor at DaySpring (in)courage and her writing has been spotighted by Christianity Today and nationally syndicated through McClatchy-Tribune News Services. After graduating from UCLA, Bonnie served as a missionary, ministry entrepreneur, and Silicon Valley high-tech professional. She lives in Northern California with her husband, Eric, and their two sons.
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{Photo credit: faithbarista.com}
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