Originally published Tuesday, 19 May 2015.
We’ve been speaking of finding our beautiful. We are looking to discover it underneath the muck and miry places. In the midst of feeling unknown, and less than desirable, we are declaring crooked ways straight and cracking ourselves wide open to find the holy inside, that it might trickle out and appear beautiful to the eyes we see in the mirror.
My weekend was filled with warm celebration. I hosted a heart-filled, sisterly-souls-stuck-together, kind of 40th birthday party for a beautiful friend. (Oh, and our husbands were there too. *smile*)
It’s in the tender moments of breaking bread where hearts are mended and beauty abounds. (If you believe that, you can tweet it!)
When the weekend wrapped up, I went from hosting an intimate dinner part on Saturday to speaking to fifty teenage girls on Monday. God’s impressed the importance of this subject on my heart, and so we talked all things, beauty, comparison, and the need to be whole. The battle starts young.
When it was all said and done, I retreated to my comfy family room with a cozy blanket, and a leftover cupcake I had from the weekend festivities. At about 7pm I felt an abnormal rhythm in my chest. Oh how I wish I was speaking metaphorically, but I’m not. My heart felt like it was doing flip-flops and I was breathing through it while praying it would pass. I’m just finding time to sit down and write to you at 5pm on Tuesday, nothing has changed.
I went to the doctor and had an EKG. I’m experiencing frequent heart palpitations, which I already felt but now the doctor has seen. They drew blood in hopes of finding easy answers.
He told me one of two things will happen: 1) The palpitations will disappear and we will never have an answer. 2) They will become worse and we will move on to the next phase of testing. Hmmmm. Thank you very much, doctor, I opt for number 1.
I’ll tell you what, nothing draws you closer to Jesus than thinking the old heart is freaking out.
As of today, doctor’s orders are for me to rest as much as possible until the blood work comes back from the lab and we see if these go away on their own.
As a busy wife and mother, I can’t tell you how often I’ve dreamt to have a prescription like that. In theory, what mom doesn’t fantasize about being sent to her room and ordered to rest? Hip, Hip, Hooray!!!
Until it actually happens…
Right now, I want to be on a run – a fast paced wind in my hair, adrenaline propelled, hard run. And, friend, I don’t run! Because when I do my bladder decides to fall down and everything jiggles in a way that makes chafing a real live disease! Jello has nothing on me!
But there’s something about being told no that makes everything in one’s being scream, “YES!”
And, so, here I am trying to find beauty in a body with a an out-of-rhythm-heartbeat, while stuck in bed when the sun is shining bright on all those great running trails outside. Actually, it’s also shining bright on my deck where there is comfy furniture. I mean, just incase I would change my mind about the whole running thing…
And there’s the Beauty!
We serve a God who never leaves us where we are. He gently picks up our pieces and teaches inside the heart pounding, flip-flopping moments of this crazy life. He beckons us to freedom within the insanity we suffer, and shines the light of hope in the middle of what feels ugly and forsaken.
Do you know what? God’s got this. So I’m going to rest, read, watch chick flicks, and be still in the beauty of this place.
Friend, wherever you are, there is some sort of beauty. You can always find it when you look hard enough.
I know you long for a specific beauty to shine through. I understand the need to be “known” and feel “enough.”
I want to be very real with you right now:
Sometimes, learning to be satisfied in the enough of today allows you to see the beautiful in who you are right now. Contentment often serves as the light we need so that we can see beauty clearly.
God has created you in His image, given you the right to become His child, and has called you to Himself, all because you are enough.
You are loved. Even in the heart thudding, out-of-rhythm-moments-of-life there is beauty to be found.
Love,
Jennifer
PS: This week’s #Findingherthursday prompt is to choose something that brings you beauty right where you are. Just snap a picture, post it with the hashtag, and we will be able to find each other and cheer one another on!
Next week, there will be prizes for those who use the hashtag and participate! Woo-hoo! I love giving prizes!
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