Originally published Tuesday, 14 July 2015.
If you read this blog regularly, then you know my writing schedule has been nonexistent. I wish I could say it’s because summer is here and the kids are home. Those things definitely factor into the chaos, but I’m one to work with chaos because as much as I say I like order, orderly chaos is probably more accurate.
The truth is, I’m just not feeling it.
It’s not that I don’t want to encourage you, or share what’s on my heart, but I’m a little upside down right now. I feel like I’m on a ride that’s completely out of control, and I have a severe case of motion sickness.
There’s been a lot of days over the past year that brought me to the place of wanting to question God. Days when my lips have shaken because the whys and hows want to roll off my tongue and escape into the universe. Surprisingly, I’ve been pretty good about containing those questions.
It’s actually a little perplexing, because I’m not exactly at a place of acceptance either. I’m sort of in between.
Earlier today, I was scrolling through my Facebook wall when a friend shared a post from Bethel Music. It was a picture with a quote from Melissa Helser that said, “If you know His nature, you will not question His motives.”
I quickly moved from a place of trembling lips filled with question, to sincere gratitude for His nature. You see, I’m thankful I know Him. I’m grateful I’ve had the chance to cling to Him. In all sincerity, I’ve run to Him because I knew deep down there was nowhere else to run, I’ve studied His word out of sheer desperation, and I’ve learned who He is because of tragedy. He met me there, spoke to me through an age old book, and has mercifully allowed me to learn His nature so that I can be secure in Him without seeking hope in the shaking world around me.
Last week, I had a dream that I entered a roller coaster with friends. When the ride actually began, I was all by myself inside a dimly lit building holding on for dear life as the ride moved faster and faster on a very thin track. In the dream, I immediately began praying and crying out to God until I finally screamed, “LORD, BE THE GOD OVER EVERY LAW OF MOTION!”
That desperate prayer startled me awake in a state of laughter. Anyone who knows me understands that I’m no mathematician and Sir Isaac Newton and I would have zero in common. The thought of me praying those words was hilarious.
However, as my day started, I wasn’t plagued with leftover upset feelings from a nightmare. (Don’t you hate those?!?!) I just kept reciting the frantic prayer all day long. Lord, be the God over every law of motion… Lord, be the God over every law of motion…
My son had an eye doctor appointment that morning, so I found myself in the waiting room reading through the actual laws of motion and thinking of all the spiritual analogies that can accompany each one. That night, I sat for a couple hours with my Bible open wide as I researched scripture references about motion and God’s leading. (There’s only a bazillion!)
Though my heart for scripture and desire for understanding the Word wants to delve into every area God might be leading me into, I think the Lord wants me to simply buckle up for the ride and trust the Driver. He holds the controls, and it’s my job to hold confidence in Him – even when the motion sickness kicks in.
I don’t know who I’m writing this for today. Maybe it’s just for me. Perhaps it’s therapy to share all this. What I do know is His nature. I know that I can trust Him. I don’t have to ask why or how, because He knows and my confidence has to be found there – inside His knowledge of my life.
Friend, I’m not saying any of this is easy or that I won’t spend time under the covers lamenting to God about whatever it is that hurts. I’m not perfect. But I know Who is, and so I’m trusting.
Are you with me?
Love,
Jennifer
Join me at JenniferKostick.com to find out how to get my free eBook Mercy Waits! I would love to meet you there!
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