Why I Need to Apologize

I’m writing to you as the snow gently falls outside my window. For me, snow brings beauty to life and allows my soul to hear the quiet whisper deep down inside.

Isn’t it something how we often wait for God to shout instead of listening for His whisper?

Recently, I had a conversation with someone I barely know. When it was said and done my heart hurt for her. She’s lonely. I know many of you would expect me to say that when we have Jesus there’s no need to be lonely, but as I process the leftover emotions from the cry of that woman’s heart, I can’t bring myself to be cliché.

Yes, God is always with us and He will never leave us, but in our humanness on this side of heaven, we all have a need to know and be known – not under a bright spotlight with applause, but by a tangible human being that speaks audibly and wraps warm arms around the ache.

I’m not really sure why it is that some who call on His name struggle with loneliness, why those of us who are surrounded by crowds still feel empty… And let’s be honest, those who know Jesus well can talk a pretty good game about all the reasons it’s wrong to feel empty when we have a loving God. I’m sorry if you’ve ever felt ripped off by that kind of advice. Sometimes Christians discount emotion forgetting He created it within us. Emotion isn’t the problem, it’s our choice to allow it rule that causes issue.

I sincerely apologize if you ever felt like someone told you it was going to be alright when you know they couldn’t promise that it would be. Maybe I’ve told you that. And, I’m sorry if you’ve ever experienced loss and people wanted to preach “trust God” as if you didn’t already know that’s the right thing to do. Perhaps they assumed you weren’t trusting Him at all, or didn’t want to, which in my opinion is worse.

I need to preach that Jesus is the only answer, because He is, but I also know it’s a process to get there – a process to know the intimate portions of Him that lift the soul. It’s a process to come to the realization all on our own that it will be okay, not because this too shall pass, because it very well may not, but because He is God and will always be on the throne. It takes quite a steep climb to comprehend that the only food our souls require is knowing we serve a God who will always reign.

Over the years, I’ve found myself crying on my knees before Him, on my face before Him, crawled up in bed underneath the covers before Him. The truth is, I’ve rarely received answers from any of those postures. It’s been the quiet, still, small voice deep down inside that seems to speak the loudest when I’ve made decisions to stand up, get out of bed, and face the world with His light. And it’s His voice, and that light, that’s led me to understand my purpose and actually be thankful for some of the pain I’ve been through. Not all of it, friend. I’m being honest… I’m on this journey too. But it’s those honest feelings that keep me dependent on Him, and He’s never let me down yet. His word tells me He never will.

The moments I’ve prayed to Him without ceasing while living out the action I knew I had to perform, is when I’ve felt the calm only He can give.

If you’re stuck and have no idea how to get free, let me tell you what I do:

I breathe in and out. Put one foot at a time on the floor and take one small step before attempting another. I Do what I know I should, and keep trusting in Him even when I don’t hear, see, or feel Him. Why? Because my heart knows He’s there and my faith tells me His seat on the throne is enough. It’s always been enough.

The journey to freedom comes from the knowing He exists and that He’s not going anywhere. It’s conditioning ourselves to listen for the whisper in the midst of the noise, and to keep on keeping on.

The Lord builds up Jerusalem; He gathers together the outcasts of Israel.3 He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds. 4 He counts the number of the stars;
He calls them all by name.

-Psalm 147:2-4

 

Love,

Jennifer

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