Originally published Wednesday, 10 October 2012.
Though he slay me, yet will I hope in Him. (Job 13:15a)
I've tried to live my life as though I were an open book. I believe in the power of brokenness, especially when it comes to people. I believe broken people heal when sharing their brokenness and I believe broken people heal when they hear of someone else's brokenness.
But brokenness, in and of itself, is not the power. Relationship is.
Relationship is cultivated on commonalities and commonalities are discovered by engaging in relationship. It's a beautiful cycle necessary for humanity.
However, as I paint this idealistic picture for us, I must acknowledge that sometimes it's just plain awful.
As Ty and I were struggling through the first part of our "infertility" season, some good friends of ours came over to tell us they were pregnant. My heart exploded with joy for them! There, by the grace of God alone, were no feelings of jealousy or bitterness. Just pure joy!
Then, within weeks, she lost the baby.
Both devastated, she came over, mostly to cry. I held her and we both sobbed, not knowing what exactly God was doing. We prayed and I read her excerpts from my journal and the Bible. As horrible as it sounds, our relationship was fused together that day.
We shared something, something awful, but we both knew we weren't alone anymore.
That day, I looked her straight in the eyes and said, "Chris, I love that I'm here for you and that God has prepared me for this moment, but I have to be honest with you. All my life, I have held my stories out with open hands for anyone and everyone to read that they might see God through it. But this one is different for me. If God held out His hands to me, one holding you and your grief and the other holding a beautiful baby, and asked me to choose one," I paused, trying to catch my sobbing breath. "I would choose the baby."
I was so humiliated but I wanted her to know I wasn't the hero of my own story. I was still broken.
She looked at me, eyes full of tears and said, "I know. It's okay."
You see friends, relationship isn't about what you can get or what you can give to another person. It's about living life with other human beings. There is no catch.
A couple months later, Tyson wrote the Job Song, penning perfectly mine and Christina's prayers to God through our seasons.
"Though You slay me, I will trust in You
For You my God are my portion
Though You slay me, You will see me through,
Before You God I will come undone."
We will hope. Forever and ever no matter what.
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