Originally published Wednesday, 22 April 2015.
I lived much of my life feeling disappointed in myself.
I heard the message loud and clear, I needed to more than myself.
You got a job? You should have got this other one.
You are doing this? You should be doing that.
You are going there? Anywhere, but there.
You are thinking this? What about that?
You are saying this? I think you should say this.
Underneath the questioning, was the underlying thought that my decisions were not good enough, my thoughts not worthy and my perceptions were invalid.
Over and over again, I heard, I was not enough.
So, either I would follow the safe path, trying to be enough or I would go my own way, knowing I would never be enough. But, either way, I always knew that I would disappoint and not be enough.
All roads led to the same destination - a sea of complete inadequacy - raging sky high with waves of fear and uncertainty.
A standard was set for me and I knew, no matter how hard I tried, no matter what I did, I could never meet it.
Have you ever felt this way?
Have you ever felt pulled down by the disappointment that is - you?
In a place where you ask, "What's the use? I am going to fail anyway."
It can make us feel powerless and out of control.
I've battled these feelings for much of my life, so know I know how it goes. But, now, more often than not, I am seeking to lay these burdens down at the foot of the cross.
I lay down, rest my heart and soak in the height of love, then I see everything - differently. My low, available and open position allows me to see the reaches of something far greater than my hurts of the past - it lets me see the power of my Savior. Here, his power starts transforming and reforming and his light makes things right - failings drop out of sight. Here, I dwell under the power of his healing not feelings.
I see him accept death on the cross. I can see his acceptance of me.
I see true love in his suffering. I see his true love for me.
I see him high and lifted. I see that he can do all things.
To see Jesus is to no longer see disappointment,
but to solely see God's divine appointment to use disappointment
as an appointment to humble myself to his will.
The irony of laying it down is that my purpose, my passion, my goals, my hopes and my dreams are actually unveiled as I lay down my ways to his. We expect it to go one way, yet he actually works another.
Everything belongs to him, so doesn't it make sense?
The more we submit, the more we actually see his direction.
He knows what he wants to do with us. We belong to him. We were bought with a price. We are no longer owned by failings, but by the one who is always prevailing, overcoming and loving. He bought our failings and is shaping them more and more into something of worth.
Here, he confirms our deepest identity.
Here, he validates our worth.
Here, he says, "It doesn't matter if you feel powerless and unsure, because I am most powerful and entirely sure."
Amen, Father, we will go! We will walk through, and by, and for - your power at work. We come in weakness, but leave with your power.
I came to you in weakness with great fear and trembling. (1 Cor. 2:3)
That power (the power of Christ within) is the same as the mighty strength he exerted when he raised Christ from the dead and seated him at his right hand in the heavenly realms, (Eph. 1:19-20)
By the power of Christ at work in us, we can drop pre-conceived notions of who we should be.
By the power of Christ, we can let go of people's opinions of what we should believe.
By the power of Christ, we can let go of the fear of disappointment.
What area do you feel disappointed? Less than? Unsure? Wavering? Reliant on others? Lost?
God calls you to lay down, open your arms, receive his love, see his goodness, taste his redemption, breathe in his glory and hear his affirmations. He has you.
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