I remember the day when Ken and I talked about the possibility of the two of us getting married. He explicitly said to me, “Luisa, I want you to know that I cannot love you more than I can love God. He will always be Number One in my life.”
If you are one of those women who gush about how much you love love, Ken’s statement would shock you, perhaps even offend you to the point of walking away. The world expects women to be swept off their feet with romantic words that will send butterflies to the stomach and make one fall in love even more. Why else would we have engagement proposal ideas, fancy photo shoots, wedding mood boards and wedding coordinators today! Ken’s words would have been considered a disguised rejection of a woman, using God as a shield to soften the blow.
But not to me! I thought to myself, “Here is a man who will be faithful to me and will not dishonor me and our marriage. He is putting God first in his life.” I welcomed those words as a sign from God. God brought Ken to me, a godly man who will honor his vows!
When We Confuse Honor and Dishonor
Here is the story of Shechem, the son of Hamor the Hivite, the prince of the land, and Dinah. Hamor went to see Jacob, Dinah’s father, and said, “The soul of my son Shechem longs for your daughter. Please give her to him to be his wife” (Genesis 34:8).
Can you imagine how Hamor must have watched his son Shechem burn with desire for Dinah, perhaps losing sleep and his appetite because of it? As a father, he had to step in and speak to Dinah’s father, offering a marriage proposal—a plea for his son—to end the suffering.
But there is a back story to this seemingly beautiful pursuit of a woman’s hand in marriage. You see, when Shechem saw Dinah, “he seized her and lay with her and humiliated her” (v.2). Then, “he loved the young woman and spoke tenderly to her” (v.3). Shechem didn’t really fall in love with Dinah at first sight. He lusted after her and let his lust overcome him, enough to defile Dinah. He raped her! Shechem’s soul being drawn to Dinah meant that possible emotional connections were formed through the sexual act. And we know that such connections taking place outside of marriage often turn toxic down the road. Did Shechem expect Dinah to forget about what he did to her and be excited to become his lawfully wedded wife? Can she easily brush off the memory of her first intimate encounter, her moment of dishonor and shame?
How about what happened during the feast of King Ahasuerus for his officials and servants? The king’s edict on drinking was “there is no compulsion…to do as each man desired” (Esther 1:8). And when the feast entered the seventh day, the happily drunk king decided to “show the peoples and the princes [Queen Vashti’s] beauty, for she was lovely to look at. But Queen Vashti refused to come at the king’s command” (vv.10-12).
Vashti must have felt dishonored by the request and refused to be paraded to the now weeklong drunks, who were possibly exhibiting behavior of aggressiveness and irrationality by this time. The rage and anger of the king attested to his hostility towards her (v.12). But the queen’s refusal was also a sign of her dishonor to her king-husband, making it possible for the officials to offer this statement to the king: “For the queen’s behavior will be made known to all women, causing them to look at their husbands with contempt” (v.17). Vashti was stripped of her royal position and was never again to come before the king.
Understanding the What and How of Love
Perhaps the easiest way to get a snapshot of love is within a marriage. It’s a trend to personalize wedding vows today, where the bride and groom get to pour their hearts out, speaking of what they love about each other—often the acceptance of quirks and being the support system at a difficult time. They make these cute lifetime promises, such as be adventure partners or “to dance and sing with you in the rain” and other ear-tickling words, that, hopefully, they will remember to keep. We have heard less and less exchange of the traditional vows that include “to honor our love.”
In Paul’s “love” letter to the Corinthian believers, he said, “Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud” (1 Corinthians 13:4 NIV). No one seems to forget those words—they stand out. But then, these words follow: “It does not dishonor others” (v.5). Another translation reads, “…does not insist on its own way” (ESV). I confess they don’t ring a bell as my mind must have often skipped them. But how spot on and such a good reminder, especially to married Christian couples!
Even if the high divorce rate among Christian marriages is said to only be a myth, the “becoming one flesh” God intended is plagued by individuality. “You do you” has been an excuse to continue living a selfish life that answers to no one, often leading someone open to temptation. As James warned, “Each person is tempted when he is lured and enticed by his own desire. Then desire when it has conceived gives birth to sin” (1:14-15a).
Infidelity is not the only way we bring dishonor to our marriages, even if our minds often go to the obvious and most justifiable cause of divorce. We also dishonor our spouses through our murderous thoughts—and they come more often than we care to admit. The idiom “if looks could kill” was probably created for moments like this. We are also experts of silent treatments, withholding communication and intimacy for as long as we want to remain angry, leading to the death of emotional connections.
How about those dangerous, spiteful words that we release like stealth bombs? Our words are so strategic, precise and effective that there is no avoiding conflict in our marriages. Paul warned, “Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear” (Ephesians 4:29). We want to be right instead of being peacemakers.
“Love…does not insist on its own way…” (ESV); “[it] does not dishonor (NIV).
When Love Chooses Honor
Being in a loving relationship is a gift, with marriage as the perfect example of a covenant. Two people are honor-bound by a commitment through their publicly expressed vows, with a contract signed and witnessed to attest to this commitment.
Tim Tebow, a well-known multi-awarded Christian athlete famous, recently celebrated his fifth anniversary with wife Demi-Leigh, former Miss Universe 2017 and Miss South Africa 2017. In his LinkedIn post on January 20, 2025, he reflected on their moments at the altar, thanking Jesus for choosing them for each other. He claimed that the words “I choose you” he said on the day he and Demi-Leigh wed were some of the most meaningful words he had ever spoken.
God has been proposing an exclusive loving and honorable relationship through intimacy with Jesus. And Jesus Himself tells us what this is all about: “And you shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength” (Mark 12:30). It is about understanding righteous living, where giving up yourself to please God is about loving Him, about honoring Him.
And Jesus didn’t stop with loving God. He also said: “Love one another as I have loved you. Greater love has no one than this, that someone lay down his life for his friends” (John 15:12-3). As you honor God, honor others too. Pass it on! Yes, spouses included!
We are constantly reminded in the pages of the Bible about our responsibility as husbands and wives how to love one another, how to set aside personal satisfaction over the well-being of our spouses. The wives are to “submit to [their] own husbands, as to the Lord” while the husbands are to “love [their] wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her” (Ephesians 5:22, 25). Christ subjected Himself to the authority of His Father, an example to the wives. And Christ laid down His life for His flock, an example to the husbands.
Through Christ, love becomes excellent in giving and edifying others, not demanding and taking from them. Through Christ, “love…does not insist on its own way…” (1 Corinthians 13:5 ESV); “[it] does not dishonor (NIV). Real love chooses honor.
Photo Credit: ©Getty Images/AntonioGuillem
Luisa Collopy is an author, speaker and a women’s Bible study teacher. She also produces Mula sa Puso (From the Heart) in Tagalog (her heart language), released on FEBC Philippines stations. Luisa loves spending time with her family over meals and karaoke!
