"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud, it does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking…" 1 Corinthians 13:4-5
While 1 Corinthians 13 gets much attention, I believe that verse 5 is often overlooked. Everyone knows that love should be patient and kind. I mean, when your husband is “helping” clean the house, you should at least give him the space to try and “sweep” and then thank him for putting forth his best effort. But what about when Jesus tells us that love should not be self-seeking? What does that even mean? And how do we love in this way?
The New International Version of the Bible says that love should not be “self-seeking.” The King James Version describes love as “seek(ing) not her own.” So, in short, love isn’t selfish. Makes sense, right? How can you fully love another human being if you are constantly concerned with only your existence?
Truth be told, many of the characteristics of love cannot be accomplished unless we are not self-seeking. You cannot be patient if you are only thinking of yourself and your timetable. It is more difficult to be kind if you believe your needs surpass those of others. You cannot forgive and keep no record of wrongs if you are only concerned with keeping score and ensuring that you are “winning.”
On paper, this all sounds easy. I mean, I adore my husband so it makes sense that I would want to put his needs before mine! But what does that truly look like? First, I can tell you that it is not going to be natural. Due to sin, human nature is inherently self-seeking. Therefore, putting your own needs and (pay attention here) wants above those you love most is an incredibly easy thing to do. But the good news is that we have the perfect example of love to follow when we look to Jesus.
I will be the first to admit that I have a small shopping problem. Okay, it’s not small. I actually have a very big shopping problem. I just feel that I can’t help it. When I walk into HomeGoods and I see the throw pillow that I never knew I needed, I immediately put it in the buggy. I tell myself that I might throw it out and decide not to purchase it once I am done perusing the aisles, but I usually know when I put my item in the cart what the endgame will be.
Before getting married I worked a few odd jobs here and there while obtaining my degree. It was never crazy money, but it was enough to support my habits. Even while I was engaged and working as a teaching assistant at the University of Tennessee, I was spending a bit too much of my paycheck on Instagram ads instead of paying off my student debt.
At this point, you might be asking what my shopping problem has to do with love and not being self-seeking. And that’s a valid question, so here’s my answer: The choices I make with my money affect my husband. You see, I might put his wants before mine when it comes to what’s for dinner or where to go for vacation. But when that cute shirt pops up on my screen, our financial goals take a back seat to my wants. And while culture might tell me that I’m an independent woman who doesn’t need to financially tie myself to a man or make financial decisions based on him, the Bible makes it clear that in order to love my husband, I am to put his/our needs and wants above my needs/wants.
Sin can be sneaky this way. It looks like you are just buying a new pair of shoes that you obviously have earned because of how hard you have worked. But really, you are putting your husband (and yourself) in even more credit card debt.
Maybe shopping doesn’t get to you the way it does me. But we all have those sneaky ways we put ourselves first. And some aren’t sneaky at all; we just aren’t willing to call them what they are. What I mean by this is when you are keeping score (which verse 5 plainly prohibits), you are actually being self-seeking. Think about it. Why do we keep score? When my husband leaves his dirty clothes on the floor and I pick them up, why do I think “I’ll remember this the next time he doesn’t want to walk downstairs to fill up my water bottle for me”? The answer is actually very simple—I am seeking my own desires. If I can keep a list of all his wrongdoings and bring them up in an argument so that I can “win” or when I want to get my way, I am being selfish.
I want to be very honest here. I wrote this article because I am in the thick of the learning. In fact, whatever comes before the “I am learning” part of a lesson, the part where you are still really confused and aren’t sure what is actually going on, that’s where I am. I feel like there are constantly new ways my selfishness is revealed to me. And honestly, that is a good thing. No matter the season you find yourself in, I want you to remember that marriage is the mirror of Christ’s love for the Church and that Love is sanctifying. If the Holy Spirit is using your marriage to point out where you are falling short of the love God called you to, that is okay! You are being sanctified! Please note here that I wrote that the Holy Spirit should be convicting you—not your spouse accusing you.
I recently had to look at my husband and apologize for some selfish financial decisions that I made. His response was nothing but loving forgiveness without accusation. In that moment, my selfishness hit me even harder. My husband could have gotten mad, but he didn’t. He chose to put me first and care more about my feelings than his own.
When Jesus carried the 300-pound cross to Golgotha’s hill, He was thinking of your salvation, not His own life and pain. Looking at our selfishness in the mirror is hard. And the truth is, you cannot change on your own. But, the Holy Spirit can change you! As we journey through life, I am certain that we will obtain new selfish desires. But I am more certain that Jesus will use those desires to bring us closer to Him through sanctification if we let Him.
A week or two ago, I asked God to help me with my spending habits. It seems frivolous and small, but this was and is a serious prayer for me. My habits not only impact me, but they impact my spouse as well. After that prayer, I have found a new ease to resisting temptation, and in doing so, I have found a new ease in putting my spouse first.
Photo Credit: ©GettyImages/Paffy69
Olivia Lauren is a graduate student passionate about Scripture, particularly the Book of Romans showcasing God's grace. Outside her studies, she enjoys teaching her dog new tricks and finding quicker ways to silence the smoke alarm after trying a new recipe.