In Psalm 23, David declares that “goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life” (v. 6, NKJV), but early last year, several areas of my life felt painfully lacking in the “good” department.
My husband and I were approaching the 12-year anniversary of when we first started trying to have a baby, yet our arms were still empty. On top of that, I was feeling sad about the lack of community in our lives and some difficulties our church family was experiencing. Though there were many good things in my life, sometimes the longing for what I desired but didn’t have seemed to overshadow them, and I wrestled with disappointment and discouragement.
The ache in my heart felt especially sharp one evening after attending a women’s event. I arrived hoping to make new connections and maybe even find a place of belonging. But when I drove away several hours later, I felt lonelier than ever.
As I wound through dark, icy roads on my way home, my thoughts turned toward the years of my early 20s—a time when I was part of a thriving group of people whom I loved and who loved me in return. A time full of coffee dates, clothes swaps, and birthday dinners. I thought about how much I wanted a baby and how out of place I felt in most circles because, now in my late 30s, I was usually the only one without kids. Most of my friends had long since replaced coffee dates with play dates.
My musings culminated in a stream of thought that went something like this: “Maybe my best days are behind me — relationally, socially, and even physically in terms of the ability to have children…Maybe things will never again be as good as they were when I was younger.” Frozen spruce trees flashed by my windshield and snow glittered in the beams of my headlights, everything around me cold and hard—everything except the tears cascading down my cheeks.
I hoped to hear some reassurance from God, but as I sped through the night, I didn’t sense so much as a whisper from Him. Then, just a couple of miles from my driveway, I glanced up and caught sight of one of nature’s most magical, mysterious phenomena: the northern lights shimmering across the sky like a fluorescent silk curtain caught in a spring breeze.
I guided my car into a deserted pull-off and parked so I could watch. As I did, I felt God speaking words He’s spoken to me on multiple occasions when I’ve come to Him with painful questions: “I love you.”
Later that night, I spotted the northern lights for a second time. I stood outside my house, head tipped to the sky like a baby bird waiting for its mother to drop sustenance down its throat, and drank in one of the most vibrant aurora displays I’ve ever seen in my almost 40 years in Alaska.
As my eyes feasted on beauty, my heart filled again with a distinct sense of God’s love. It was as if He was reiterating, “Really, I do love you.” I knew He saw me and He cared for me, and that knowledge provided the comfort and strength I needed to go on.
An Encouraging Word
Though I didn’t receive any communication from God that evening about the specific problems I presented to Him, soon after, He spoke directly to my fear that my future would never live up to my past. It came through a church bulletin, of all things. Boldly printed on the page was the title of the pastor's series: Your Best Days Are Ahead.
There was no doubt God was telling me to hold on to hope and keep believing. So, I gathered my courage and chose to trust that He had good things in store, and that, someday, things would shift.
Two Pink Lines
A few weeks later, on a sunny March morning, I decided to take a pregnancy test. To be honest, even though God had spoken to me about having children many times, and even though He had provided such clear encouragement that my best days were ahead, I didn’t take that test with any great expectation. At that point, I’d had about 155 not-pregnant cycles. There was no outward reason to believe this time would be any different.
So, though I believed I would have children eventually, my attitude as I took the test was basically, “I’m just going to take this so I can see that it’s negative and quit wondering if I’m pregnant and get on with my weekend.”
I put the test in the cabinet underneath the bathroom sink because I wanted to wait until the full five minutes were up to look at it. When I opened the cabinet door a short while later and saw two pink lines, I was shocked.
I was pregnant!
After my tears dried and my hands stopped shaking, I went into our bedroom to share the news with my husband. Years before, I’d made a card to give him when the time came to tell him I was pregnant. I handed him the card, and after reading it, he said the same thing I had when I first opened that cabinet and saw the positive test: “Is it real?”
It felt completely surreal, but, yes, it really was real!
On that dark night in January just weeks prior, Satan tried to convince me that change would never come. He wanted me to believe that I’d be trapped in the desert of infertility and loneliness forever. But the truth was, all my years of waiting were about to blossom into a miracle.
I now have a precious baby boy who brings me incredible joy. And, while my husband and I are still working on developing the close-knit community we dream of, we have a new church home and I've made some new friends.
Tears to Triumph
Psalm 23 isn't the only psalm David penned about God's goodness. Just a few chapters later, he wrote, “I would have despaired unless I had believed that I would see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord; be strong and let your heart take courage; Yes, wait for the Lord” (Psalm 27:13-14, NASB). Falling for the lie that our difficulties are permanent and our prospects dismal leads to despair. But when, like David, we remember God's promise to be good to us, we can find the strength to continue moving forward.
Friend, whatever difficulty you're facing today—whether it be infertility, or the loss of a career, or chronic depression—I want to remind you: It’s not too late. God can take the ashes of your anguished heart and bring laughter and joy. He can turn your trial into your testimony and your tears into triumph.
I don’t know God’s timing for your life, but I do know this: God is working all things for your good (Romans 8:28). Don't give up! Keep waiting and trusting that you will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. You never know, your miracle may be just around the corner!
Photo Credit: GettyImages/freemixer
