Connecting with Your In-Laws During the Holidays
By: Michelle S. Lazurek
“Let your conversation be always full of grace, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how to answer everyone.” Colossians 4:6
The holidays are a good time for families to connect with both immediate family members and in-laws. However, personalities can clash when both families get together, especially when your other family members, particularly in-laws, think and act differently from you. They may have different views on politics and other culturally hot topics.
It may be easy to overlook this opportunity to spend time with family and enjoy the connection you will share. With the stress of making dinner, organizing the household, and making sure everybody is comfortable, it's easy not to put in all the effort when it’s time to really connect with your in-laws. It is also easy to get embroiled in arguments involving different opinions. But the holidays don't have to be a time to dread; they can be a time to look forward to, because they offer an opportunity to connect more deeply with your in-laws. All your conversations can be filled with grace, rather than filled with hatred.
Although you may have had previous conversations with your in-laws and feel you know them, the holiday season is when people put aside work and other obligations to connect. This can be an opportunity to get to know their story in a much deeper, more intimate way than you have at any other time of year.
Put as much time and effort into the ways you communicate with your in-laws as you do into cleaning the house, cooking, and wrapping gifts. These moments when you intimately connect with your family members will be memories that last forever.
If you have difficulty speaking directly with your in-laws, prepare some questions in advance. You can even write them down on an index card or on your phone and remind yourself of these questions before sitting down for dinner. Go beyond, “How's work going?” “How are the other kids or grandkids?” First, consider their history and background. Their childhood shaped how they parented your spouse. This is essential information for you to know. Ask questions like, “What was my husband or wife like before we got married?”
Ask them to share specific memories from your spouse’s childhood. They may try to share embarrassing stories to get a laugh, but discourage them from doing so. Communicating with your in-laws is not a time to make them feel embarrassed or ashamed. Instead, it is a time for your parents and their parents to share openly about who they were. No matter how much you think you know about your spouse, there will always be stories that you don't know about them.
After you're done talking about the spouse, ask them about their ancestors. “What were your spouse's grandparents or great-grandparents like?” is a great question to ask because your spouse may have been too young to know their grandparents or great-grandparents.
A parent's insight into their own parents helps you understand who they are and how your spouse got to be who they are today. With a bit of foresight, ask your in-laws to bring over photos and other memories of their parents or grandparents. This will not only help engage them during conversation time but also steer them away from embarrassing stories and awkward silences.
Then ask your in-laws about your spouse's siblings. In the same way, they may have stories to share about your spouse, they may also have stories to share about your other in-laws. This provides great insight into who they are and who you know today.
Finally, ask them about their spiritual background. For example, if your spouse is a Christian yet was not raised by Christian parents, ask them about their experiences. Ask them why your spouse chose to make God a central part of their lives. Ask them the reasons why they have not yet done so. A conversation that opens the door for intimacy may also open the door for salvation. If both your spouse and in-laws are not religious, ask him what about religion is not something they want to engage in.
Allow them to open up their minds to God and what he can do for them. If your spouse comes from a religious family, ask them to share stories of their spiritual experiences. Ask them to share special traditions and anything else within the church that makes their life and childhood special.
Opening up communication during the holidays with the in-laws can be an opportunity to share special memories and make intimate connections with another side of the family. Holidays do not have to be something to dread, but rather something that will help you get to know your spouse more deeply by getting to know the people who are most important to them.
Let's Pray:
Father, allow us as people to make connections and communicate intimately during the holidays. Let the holidays be an opportunity to connect deeply with members on the other side of the family. Please help us remember that family is essential, and that it is excellent to communicate with them in that way. Amen.
Originally published Tuesday, 16 December 2025.
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