“Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you Lord.” - Colossians 3:13
Scripture describes how passing blame in marriage started early in the world, beginning with Adam. “The man said, ‘The woman you put here with me—she gave me some fruit from the tree, and I ate it’” (Genesis 3:12).
Just like in the Garden of Eden where Adam blamed Eve for the fall of mankind into sin, husbands and wives are often quick to point fingers at their spouse.
Pointing fingers at each other is a way Satan works to break down relationships. As an accuser of the brethren (Revelation 12:10) and father of lies (John 8:44), he seeks to cause division, mistrust, and suspicion in marriages.
In marriage, it’s vitally important to keep in mind that God is not behind any accusations and suspicions we may have toward our spouse. So, when couples find themselves turning on each other, attributing blame for things gone wrong, it’s time to do a heart check, to look at where their thoughts are coming from.
Scripture instructs us to examines ourselves first (2 Corinthians 13:5), realizing it’s easier for us to see faults in our spouse, while at the same time overlooking our own weaknesses (Matthew 7:5). It important to understand the temptation to accuse our spouse is the devil seeking to cause chaos in our relationship.
So how does a spouse stop a cycle of blaming their husband or wife? Below are two ways to begin.
1. Choose compassion over judgment. Even if a spouse makes a wrong decision or is the cause of something gone wrong, instead of blaming, choose to console, comfort, and forgive.As Ephesians 4:32 encourages, “Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.”
A spouse’s sincere compassion, comfort, and forgiveness towards their husband or wife during distressful times, has the potential to minister to them in a way that brings godly sorrow and healing to broken areas in their life.
2. Choose humility over pride. Recognize blaming each other is rooted in pride. Scripture offers insight into the fruit of pride. “When pride comes, then comes disgrace, but with humility comes wisdom” (Proverbs 11:2).
As with Adam, he didn’t want God to think sinning was his idea or that he had been the one to mess up. Pride makes an issue of who is right and who is wrong. But Luke 14:11 reminds us, “For all those who exalt themselves will be humbled, and those who humble themselves will be exalted.”
Instead of pointing out a spouse’s failure in a way that hurts and tears them down, or in a condescending manner, we can choose humility in the situation.
If our spouse makes a wrong decision, we can let God’s kindness flow through us to help consol them rather than to point blame. Like Philippians 2:3 urges us “Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves.”
Lynette Kittle is married with four daughters. She enjoys writing about faith, marriage, parenting, relationships, and life. Her writing has been published by Focus on the Family, Decision, Today’s Christian Woman, kirkcameron.com, Ungrind.org, StartMarriageRight.com, and more. She has a M.A. in Communication from Regent University and serves as associate producer for Soul Check TV.
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