Undoing the Desire for Control
By: Jennifer Waddle
“To the woman he said… ‘Your desire will be for your husband, and he will rule over you.’” (Genesis 3:16)
The desire for control in marriage originated the moment Eve gave into the serpent’s temptation, and Adam followed suit. In opposition to God’s beautiful design, the first created couple stepped outside of His loving boundaries, blurring the lines of control from that day on.
Even in Christian marriages, we struggle in our roles, forgetting Ephesians 5:21, which says, “Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.” What is meant to be a healthy give-and-take is often a tug-of-war for control.
So, how do we undo this desire? Here are a few key principles to consider.
Mature in Faith
In the article, Ending the Control Dance in Your Marriage, Dr. David Hawkins writes, “The bottom line is that each of us needs to give up our need to control others, as well as giving up our need to always please others. We are really only responsible to God for our true source of identity. We are called to meet appropriate needs in marriage, not unhealthy, dysfunctional ones. There is a fine balance, but once we find it, we are much happier, healthier, and more capable of mature love in marriage.”
His mention of “mature love” is a key factor in helping couples undo the desire for control. It’s often immaturity that leads to feelings of self-centeredness, which instigates the conflict. Whether husbands take their God-given headship too far or wives refuse to submit appropriately, a lack of maturity only exacerbates the problem.
Through Biblical counsel and practical tools, couples can have a peaceful relationship without the need for control. When each role is illuminated by God’s holy purpose, it’s easy to live by His standards, not our own. Fulfillment comes through the peaceful ebb and flow of joint submission to Christ.
Understand Your Personality
Because I have a more assertive personality than my husband, it’s easy for me to take the lead. I’m more outspoken and outgoing, which means I’m sometimes out-of-bounds in my role as his wife. My personality isn’t wrong or bad, but I have to be careful not to jump to conclusions or take control when my husband is slow to act. I’ve learned to give him the space needed to make decisions for our family without losing patience and taking things into my own hands.
Here are a few areas where strong personalities can battle for control:
-Making big financial decisions
-Raising and disciplining children
-Attending or not attending church
-Pressuring our spouses in Spiritual matters
By understanding our personalities, we can recognize areas of control that need to be brought into submission. We can still be who we were created to be, but with a willingness to yield to one another as often as needed.
Whenever I allow my husband to make the final decision, I’m blessed with a deep sense of peace, knowing I’m relinquishing my impatient desire for control and trusting him to do what is best for our family.
Resist the Enemy
Every temptation starts with a thought, which can either be taken captive into obedience or allowed to lead us into sin. The enemy hopes that we’ll let our desire for control actually control us, opening the door for him to wreak havoc in our marriages.
Resistance of the enemy is key and requires diligent awareness of his lies. Here are some to be aware of:
-The lie that men are weak
-The lie that women are superior
-The lie that we have the right to control our spouse
-The lie that there will never be harmony in our marriage
Let’s undo the lies of the enemy by calling them out and replacing them with God’s truth. Let’s speak words of life and light into our marriages - even in times of struggle. One verse to remember is Romans 15:7, which says, “Accept one another, then, just as Christ accepted you, in order to bring praise to God.”
I accept my husband’s calm, gentle nature, and he accepts my enthusiastic, sometimes impatient nature. When we find ourselves in conflict, we do our best to submit to one another out of reverence for Christ. This is the quickest way out of the enemy’s snare and the best way to undo the desire for control.
Prayer:
Gracious God, thank You for Your continued help in surrendering our will to Yours. We know that You designed us to live in harmony with one another, preferring one another above ourselves. Please mature us in our faith so that the desire for control is balanced by Your mercy and grace. Help us understand our differences without making excuses. And please shine Your light on the enemy’s lies so that we can stand in Your truth always. In Jesus’ holy name, amen.
Related Resource: Engaging with God in a Technology-Saturated World
Many of us feel hurried, and hurry is costing us more than we realize. The Unhurried Living Podcast with Alan and Gem Fadling provides resources and training to help Christian leaders learn to live and lead from fullness rather than on empty. After realizing the toll technology had taken on his connection with God, his community, and even himself, Carlos Whitaker took radical steps to disconnect in order to reconnect. He spent nearly two months living screen-free at a monastery, an Amish farm, and his own home, experiencing profound transformation along the way. If this episode helps you recenter your work and life on God, be sure to subscribe to Unhurried Living on Apple or Spotify so you never miss an episode!
Originally published Monday, 17 February 2025.
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