Can I Even Do This?
Carla Miller, Guest Writer
TODAY’S TREASURE
"But the fruit of the Spirit, the result of His presence within us, is love or unselfish concern for others, joy, inner peace, patience, and not just the ability to wait, but how we act while waiting, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control." Galatians 5:22-23 AMP
Once my husband was diagnosed with pre-dementia, I began a journey of learning how to best support and live with him. Gregg had been the main breadwinner, giving me the opportunity to be the full-time mother and homemaker I desired and to homeschool our children for some of those years. Although we are both retired now, our roles are switching. By necessity, I am the head of the house in all our decision-making. We used to each contribute 100% to the marriage and home; now, I think for both of us, it feels like I am carrying 200% of the responsibility. (This helps me understand and empathize a bit more with single women and men who have never had anyone to share the load with them.)
I miss his counsel, advice, conversation, support, jokes, and enthusiasm for life. He has always been the extrovert and me the introvert, but I have to carry the conversation when we are alone, especially, in the company of others. This is extremely trying for me and requires an abundance of patience and compassion. He wants to talk to people but can’t communicate what he wants, so he turns to me with a look that says, “Read my mind? Can you please tell this person what I want to say?”
Understanding that many of the frustrating things he does are due to “the disease” helps depersonalize what he says and does. I ask for his input as much as possible, but despite the offer to be involved, he is often ambivalent, perhaps because he cannot weigh the choices or is confused.
My goal is to encourage and help Gregg to do all that he can for as long as he is capable in order to exercise his brain, to bring him self-respect in what he can still accomplish, to maintain his dignity, and to bring him pleasure. When he is trying to speak with me, I lay down my book, my phone, or kitchen utensil, and give him my full attention. There is always a several-second delay with three to five “false starts” as he tries to get out what is on his mind or in his heart. My patience is quickly used up as I “just wait” for him to utter a few clues to his meaning. I need to work on this part of the “fruit of the spirit” because patience is “not just the ability to wait, but how we act while waiting” Galatians 5:22.
Gregg can handle only one task, idea, choice, or thought at a time. I explain things to him clearly, slowly, and simply, (reminding him to put his hearing aids in his ears and not just in his pocket), then check with him for understanding. My goal is to repeat what he needs to hear as many times as he asks using a neutral and kind tone because it is the disease asking, not him.
Knowing the change in Gregg’s behavior is beyond his control gives me the ability to be more compassionate. I vowed 47 years ago at the marriage altar to stand by him in sickness and in health. Caring for him now is really an honor, as he is, and always has been, a wonderful mate. I know, were the tables turned, that he would care for me with the utmost love and devotion.
LIFE-GIVING ENCOURAGEMENT
Your loved one’s illness and their response to it is out of your control; it is under God’s purview. You can only control your attitudes, responses, and actions. Make it a goal to manage your emotions in a Godly manner. That does not mean you should deny or repress them, but learn how to express them in a healthy way. Part of the battle is won by directing those feelings toward the disease and not toward your loved one. God uses uncomfortable places and situations to purify and test His loved ones, just as gold and silver are purified and tested Zechariah 13:9a CEV. God is changing and purifying you and me through our caregiving days.
PRAYER
God of All Blessings, Thank you for using every circumstance in my life to prepare me for service in Your Name. May I recognize the value of every experience You allow, be it obviously good or seemingly bad.
…you meant evil against me, but God meant it for good.
Genesis 50:20 AMP
More free resources for help, hope, & healing:
Treasures of Encouragement, Women Helping Women
By Sharon W. Betters
Treasuresofencouragement.org Learn how God sends treasures of encouragement to help turn hearts toward Jesus and how the beauty, privilege, and power of biblical encouragement is a means to invite others to trust the Lord’s goodness and faithfulness in the mundane moments and especially in the broken places of life. Free supplemental resources.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Carla (Hannuksela) Miller is a wife, mother of four, and grandmother of eight. She retired from teaching children with autism but still loves learning, writing, and reading. Her husband Gregg was a youth pastor, associate pastor, and senior pastor with over 40 years of church ministry. She is discovering new paths to explore in their beautiful state, attacking crossword puzzles, and relishing time with her family.
For more from Daily Treasure please visit MARKINC.ORG.
Originally published Thursday, 23 November 2023.
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