Navigating the Grief Journey
Frame Your Loss
By Carla. J. Miller, Guest Writer
Today’s Treasure
…the body has many different parts, not just one part…How strange a body would it be if it had only one part…Yes, there are many parts, but only one body…In fact, some parts of the body that seem weakest and least important are actually the most necessary…If one part suffers, all the parts suffer with it… 1 Corinthians 12:12, 19, 20, 22, 26 NLT
What part of “the body” are you? What role did you play in the life of the deceased? What was your relationship with him or her? Are you a parent, spouse, sibling, other relative, or friend? Everyone’s grief journey is different and will evolve in response to your particular relationship with the deceased. You are also created with varying and unique emotional needs. You are not required to explain how you’re feeling or defend your actions. Please grieve in a way that makes sense to you. Not everyone understands or will kindly give you the space you need. But do grieve, when you’re prepared to do so. Grieving takes time, patience, and work. It hurts and it is hard.
Are you like me, a grandparent? Did you discover the love you have for your grandchild is so unexpectedly deep and pure? Becoming a grandparent was life-altering for me. The unconditional love I have for my grandchildren can catch me off guard. With a love that strong, the loss of that love landed very acutely. Henry was our first grandchild and he had special needs. Arriving on the scene as the first grandchild put him in the spotlight of our hearts. I also grew up with a mentally and physically challenged brother and I became a special education teacher because of him, so I have a really big “soft spot” for non-typical children. I discovered a love for Henry that was so deep and sacrificial, a love so easy to share, that time spent with him was very joyful. In his death, I grieve not only the loss of his life now, but also for the future life he will never experience. l had so many hopes and dreams to see him mature and develop. Losing Henry leaves a huge hole in my heart, one that cannot be filled even by other grandchildren, as wonderful, charming, and delightful as they are. I will always miss Henry and be sad for “what is not nor what will ever be.”
Death itself is such a struggle for us humans because we were created in God’s image to live forever. Physical death entered the world when man sinned and caused us so much angst and sorrow. The eternal life God created in us is now postponed to the realm of the New Heaven and the New Earth. The death of a child is especially disturbing because it does not follow the natural order of life and death here on earth; it seems so wrong and terribly unfair. Children are expected to outlive their parents and. most certainly, their grandparents. For the parents, who have birthed and nurtured this child, the pain of grief must be almost unbearable. Parental love is perhaps the strongest of all human bonds so the greater the love, the greater the grief. And for grandparents, watching their own child (the bereaved parent) suffer so much, and feeling powerless to assuage their hurt is an additional grief to bear. The connection of parental love continues, even when a child becomes an adult and a parent themselves.
Herein lies the tension. Grandparents, you are suffering and grieving, rightly so. Yet, your child, the bereaved parent (BP), needs your support to bear up under their great, devastating personal loss. Let go of expectations that your child (BP) will comfort you. I tried not to mourn a lot in front of my daughter but followed her cues. This was a difficult balance because I also wanted her to know that I deeply missed and loved her little boy. I had not forgotten him nor her struggle to work through his death. I tried to be a good listener and withheld unsolicited advice. I did not want her to be concerned with protecting me but to be focused on and working through her own feelings. My daughter read my writings and musings regarding my own grief journey; I believe this was a bridge of understanding between us. I offered to babysit often for Tallie, her 3-year-old daughter, for whom I also held great concern; I gave out lots of hugs, visited her home often, and was available and present. Grandparent, your child, the parent of the deceased, suffered a terrible loss. But remember that you, too have suffered a “double loss” and you need to care for yourself.
Frame your loss. Your relationship with the one who died is unique to you. The way you grieve that loss is up to you. Remember that “Jesus wept” as He grieved the loss of a dear friend. (John 11:35 NLT)
PRAYER
Our Heavenly Abba, You created each of us uniquely with gifts, talents, and purposes to use in the body for Your glory. You are a Triune God, One who lives in continual communion with the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit, demonstrating Your esteem of relationships. Each individual fits into a special place in your great plan for the community of this world. You have promised to guide me along the best pathway for my life. You will advise me and watch over me. Keep me ever seeking your direction so I see Your way and walk in it. Amen. (Psalm 32:8 NLT)
More free resources for help, hope, and healing:
Help & Hope audio stories produced by MARKINC address some of life's darkest circumstances that are often difficult to discuss yet need to be faced as we help one another walk by faith. These are the real-life testimonies of people who have walked through these experiences and have found their strength in Christ. Listening to these resources is also a way to sure up your foundation for those uninvited moments when your faith is challenged. We hope you will be encouraged and that you will share these stories with others to help them persevere in faith. Listen to the first Help & Hope podcast, a private interview with founders Chuck and Sharon Betters as they talk about the loss of their son, Mark: Loss of a Child
About the Author: Carla (Hannuksela) Miller is a wife, mother of four, and grandmother of eight. She retired from teaching children with autism but still loves learning, writing, and reading. Her husband Gregg was a youth pastor, associate pastor and senior pastor over 40 years of church ministry. He has been diagnosed with dementia so she also has become a caregiver in the last few years. She is discovering new paths to explore in their beautiful state, attacking crossword puzzles, and relishing time with her family.
For more from Daily Treasure please visit MARKINC.ORG.
Originally published Wednesday, 10 April 2024.
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