Navigating the Grief Journey
Feel Your Feelings
By Carla. J. Miller, Guest Writer
Today’s Treasure
"The eyes of the Lord are toward the righteous and his ears toward their cry…When the righteous cry for help, the Lord hears and delivers them out of all their troubles. The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit." Psalm 34:15-18 ESV
Despite his global developmental delays and seizure activity, Henry continued to spread positivity, delight and vivacious life to everyone in his world. Once I accepted the truth — “this is who Henry is and this is who Henry will be”— I was able to rest peacefully in God’s goodness to even allow me to be Henry’s grandma. I soaked up all the love and connection Henry would bestow on me, and I poured back into him as much care and attention as I could. Yet, the grim fact always lurked in the back of my mind that his life expectancy was shortened by his Dravet Syndrome diagnosis.
Then, almost as soon as I had accepted that Henry was perfectly made in God’s image, by His decision and for His purposes, life again confounded us. We were vacationing in North Carolina when we received tragic news: Henry had died in his sleep. He was only five years old! He had just experienced the best 6 months of his life on new medications. He had been doing marvelously! We threw together our suitcases and began the silent and surreal car ride back north. He and his family had been vacationing in New Hampshire and the endless miles that lay between us and them seemed to stretch interminably.
It was incredibly hard to believe that “Henry” was gone. What was God doing? I had to work again through accepting God’s will, wisdom and ways. I am so fickle and faithless! My knee-jerk reaction was again to plead, “Why?” “Why now?” “Why Henry?” “Couldn’t we have had him a little longer?” “He reflected you so much, Lord, in his unconditional love for everyone. He was one of your ambassadors.” “This is not right.” “Show me your purposes, please! Show me your plan.”
“April 11, 2014 ~ July 12, 2019” is inscribed on the stone of Henry’s grave marker. These two facts—his date of birth and date of death—are “written in stone” because they will not change. God numbered our first-born grandchild’s days at one-thousand nine-hundred and sixteen. Even if I knew “why” Henry’s days were determined to be so short, I would still disagree with God’s decision. With each passing day, week, month and year, I fear my recollection of Henry is dimming and moving further afar; that unnerves me. I worry that I won’t be able to remember and cherish who he was. I’ve never walked this path before, and I desperately need God’s help to traverse it. I want Henry to be at my daughter and son-in-law’s side instead of at God’s. I want Henry to be a big brother to his little sister, Tallie. I want to see my first grandchild grow up to adulthood. I want to watch as he blossoms and soaks up the wonder of this world. I want to see him coach himself verbally to “try again” as he doggedly works on a task and doesn’t give up. I want to hear his sweet and invariable greeting: “Happy to SEE you!’ I want to be a recipient of his unabashed delivery of warm hugs. I want to see him joyfully wave a flag at church as he enjoys “Jesus music.”
Instead, I “must just trust.” Over my lifetime, God has repeatedly proven His character to me. I am confident He is wise, powerful and loving. I still struggle to reconcile God’s love and sovereignty but I know “He will never leave me or forsake me,” nor will He abandon Henry’s mama, my daughter, Sarah, or his daddy, my son-in-law, Paul, nor his little sister, Tallie. Meanwhile, I wait in trust on Him, channeling my mourning and the grief of our entire family by petitioning the Almighty God Who hears and cares.
Grief is what we think and feel on the inside when someone we love dies. Mourning is the outward expression of that grief. Some things have helped me mourn thus far on this unwelcome grief journey. All of us mourn differently and hold varying depths of relationship to those we have loved and lost. Still, I hope something I share might lighten your heavy heart. By God’s grace, mourning the death of my sweet boy has changed me for the better despite the devastation of losing him.
Give yourself permission and time to actually mourn. Allow yourself to feel sad, angry, hurt, disappointed, and conflicted. Don’t judge yourself harshly nor regard the opinion of others who might. Be open to counsel in order to walk this road in a healthy way. Find a way to authentically express your grief; holding it in will eventually give way to its harmful release. I found it cathartic to read about and study grief and to read memoirs of others who had walked this way before me. I also wrote out and shared publicly my thoughts, feelings, memories, and struggles; writing especially helped me in the first few months after Henry died.
It still helps me to occasionally visit Henry’s grave, situated in a quiet corner of the cemetery under a big oak tree; I talk aloud to Henry, telling him how much I miss him and recalling what a great impact he had during his abbreviated life. Crying is a natural release of the emotions that are an integral part of who we are, nothing to be ashamed of. I do not cry easily, but when Henry died, I wept often, both publicly and privately. His death stirred a place in me that had not been touched before. God writes down all of my sorrows and collects all my tears in a bottle. (Psalm 56:8 NLT). He expects us to shed tears.
Cry out to the Lord with your mouth, your heart, your soul, your being. Doing so acknowledges “our absolute dependence upon Him. In our tearful pleas, we acknowledge our frailty and inability to overcome the problems before us. Our cries show that our trust is in Him to act on our behalf. We freely surrender self-will to His perfect, sovereign will.” (gotquestions.org)
Feel and EXPRESS your feelings. They are valid. They are a part of who God made you to be.
PRAYER
Gracious Father, You hear me when I call out to You. You give strength to meet each difficulty. Even when it seems You are not answering or even listening, I know You are working. If I wait patiently, You will turn to me and hear my cry. In times of trouble or distress, You will answer my cry and free me from all my fears. Amen. (Psalm 40:1; Psalm 20:1; Psalm 34:4 NLT)
More free resources for help, hope, and healing:
Aging with Grace – Discover a fresh gospel that is big enough, good enough and powerful enough to make every season of life significant and glorious. Free “Ask an Older Woman” videos and much more. Not just for older women!
About the Author: Carla (Hannuksela) Miller is a wife, mother of four, and grandmother of eight. She retired from teaching children with autism but still loves learning, writing, and reading. Her husband Gregg was a youth pastor, associate pastor and senior pastor over 40 years of church ministry. He has been diagnosed with dementia so she also has become a caregiver in the last few years. She is discovering new paths to explore in their beautiful state, attacking crossword puzzles, and relishing time with her family.
For more from Daily Treasure please visit MARKINC.ORG.
Originally published Tuesday, 09 April 2024.
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