Role Reversal
Pasty Kuipers, Guest Writer
TODAY’S TREASURE
"Honor your father and your mother." Exodus 20:12a
Here in NW Georgia, spring is baby bird season – and baby deer, squirrels, and chipmunks. Juvenile squirrels relentlessly try to figure out how to breach the bird feeder, fawns are familiar sights in my daughter’s neighborhood, and birds devour suet at twice the average rate as they share the soft treat with their young. The wonder, joy, and occasional irritations associated with new life are everywhere.
One day last spring, I’d opened a few windows to enjoy the breeze before summer’s impending humidity arrived, forcing me to turn on the air conditioning for months to come. Suddenly, I heard such a riotous twittering coming from the back deck that I stopped what I was doing to investigate. Instead of finding one of the neighborhood cats threatening the birds, I observed a mother finch surrounded by three offspring almost as big as she was. The frantic chirping emanated from her little brood, each member demanding, “Feed me, Mommy, feed ME!”
Over the weeks following my observation, my mind replayed the scene as I contemplated my own dear mother’s care for me. Mom nourished me both physically and spiritually for 62 years. Like the mama bird faithfully feeding her babies even though they were nearly grown, Mom’s nurturing didn’t end when I left her nest. She respected my adult independence, yet I knew I could count on her for unwavering support, be it a home-cooked meal, attentive listening, or fervent prayer.
When my 39-year-old husband died suddenly, leaving me to raise my 7- and 10-year-old daughters, my parents graciously moved to Georgia to help us. For the next 24 years, Mom lavished the same love and care on Mary and Jessie that she’d shown me.
Sometimes when I’d thank her for her steadfast devotion, she’d quip, “Once a mother, always a mother!”
If we live long enough, aging will bring about unwanted changes in our bodies, our minds, and our abilities. Such is life in this world marred by sin.
It was no different for Mom. Though her spirit and determination were as strong as ever, her physical and mental capabilities declined. Relinquishing her driver’s license was the most significant single blow as it made her dependent on others for transportation. She lamented imposing on me whenever I took her to a medical appointment regardless of how many times I tried to assure her it wasn’t a bother. (Besides, we’d often find a way to fit in a stop at Starbucks for our favorite beverages!)
I gradually began providing more help with banking, household chores, and toward the end, personal care. Mom thanked me constantly, often apologizing for taking up my time. She told others I’d become the mother and she didn’t know what she’d do without me.
As our roles reversed, something inside each of us withered, and a sad acceptance entered our relationship, not because I resented helping Mom, but because I knew how much it hurt her not to be able to do for herself and her loved ones. No amount of reassurance on my part could convince Mom it was alright. Our recurring conversation went something like this:
“I’ll never be able to repay you for all your help.”
“Mom! If we start keeping accounts, you know it’s me who’ll never be able to repay you! You’ve helped me far more than I’ve ever helped you!!”
“That doesn’t count. You’re mine, and I did it because I love you.”
“Well, you’re mine, and I love you. It’s a privilege to help you. You’re not a burden!”
In a moment of frustration a few days before she broke her hip, Mom exclaimed, “I’d hoped you’d never have to deal with this!” (“This” being able to provide so much personal and practical help.)
Though I usually didn’t try to refute Mom’s protests with Scripture, there are several passages I could have quoted. Consider, for example:
But if anyone does not provide for his relatives, and especially for members of his household, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever (1 Timothy 5:8). Providing for relatives includes practical help, not just financial assistance.
Listen to your father who gave you life, and do not despise your mother when she is old (Proverbs 23:22). This verse is closely aligned with the fifth commandment to honor father and mother.
Love is patient and kind (1 Corinthians 13:4). Mom’s love for me abounded in patience and kindness. I endeavored to show her the same, though sometimes I grew weary, and my efforts fell short.
So, whatever you wish that others would do to you, do also to them (Matthew 7:12). I have no idea how my end-of-life scenario will play out, but I know I would like to be treated with love and respect. I pray Mom felt that despite her misgivings about needing help.
LIFE-GIVING ENCOURAGEMENT
The hours I spent assisting Mom weren’t burdensome because my efforts were inspired by my love for her and gratitude for all she’d done for my daughters and me. If we had been keeping accounts, I knew of no better way to pay down my debt.
Likewise, I recognize I owe an unpayable debt to the One who loved me so much that He sent His Son to die for me. Yet, when God credited Jesus’ righteousness to my account, He stamped it “paid in full.” How amazing! Scripture states that salvation comes by faith alone as we depend on Jesus’ atoning sacrifice on our behalf. However, James declares that faith without works is dead. Our faith is made evident by our good works and the good fruit we bear. Therefore, motivated by love for God and gratitude for all He’s done, let us gladly serve others well and love our neighbors as ourselves.
PRAYER
Dear Lord, thank You for the blessing of a godly mother who showed me Your unconditional love. I praise You for the privilege of serving her in her time of need. And Lord, how I thank You for Jesus’ willingness to reverse roles with me, to take on the punishment for my sin, that I might be redeemed.
More free resources for help, hope, & healing:
Aging with Grace, Flourishing in an Anti-Aging Culture
By Sharon W. Betters and Susan Hunt
Agingwithgrace.online Discover afresh a gospel that is big enough, good enough, and powerful enough to make every season of life significant and glorious. Free Ask an Older Woman videos and much more. Not just for older women!
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Patsy Kuipers often refers to herself as “Gardening Grammie,” a title encompassing two of her favorite pastimes. Widowed at age 38, she was blessed to be gainfully employed for all the years she spent raising two daughters on her own. When her job was eliminated several years ago, she returned to school to study horticulture, a passion born of caring for the garden her husband left as part of his legacy. Patsy is Grammie to three young but enthusiastic garden helpers. She enjoys teaching them ABOUT THE AUTHOR: plants and the One who created them. She is a member of Grace Covenant Church in Dallas, GA where she serves on the Women’s Ministry Committee and leads women’s Bible studies. Patsy started her blog, Back 2 the Garden (patsykuipers.com), to tell others of God’s great love and faithfulness. In 2020, she realized a long-time dream when she compiled some of the lessons she’s learned in her garden into a book, “Be Still, Quiet Moments With God in My Garden.”
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Originally published Tuesday, 14 November 2023.
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