When Unchangeable Feels Unforgivable
LYSA TERKEURST
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“Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.” Ephesians 4:32 (NIV)
Forgiveness is such a double-edged word.
It’s amazing to be forgiven but can feel so very complicated to forgive. Forgiveness can feel very unreasonable when people hurt us deeply, won’t acknowledge their wrongs and refuse to apologize.
I’ll never forget walking into my counselor’s office so consumed with pain that I could barely breathe. I hadn’t washed my hair in days. I couldn’t think straight. I was afraid if I started crying, I might never stop. Betrayal hadn’t just broken my heart; it had shattered my family.
I wasn’t just hurting because of the unexpected rejection — I was grieving that my life would never look like what I pictured it to be. Grieving is dreaming in reverse. Instead of looking forward to the days to come and imagining how amazing the future will be, you desperately wish you could go back to the way life once was but fear it will never be that way again.
This kind of deep grief causes many questions to surface: Does God not see what they did? Do I have to forgive them? How can I forgive them when they aren’t sorry for what they did? How can I trust that the Lord will provide justice? How am I supposed to live out truths like Ephesians 4:32, “Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you”?
I’ve asked all of these questions and wrestled through them myself. I was desperate to have my pain acknowledged and for someone in the world to recognize that what happened was wrong. Otherwise, I felt like my forgiveness might give the impression that what happened to me wasn’t that big of a deal and that my feelings didn’t matter. It did matter. It was wrong. But attaching my ability to heal and move forward to the choices my offender may never be willing to make will just compound my suffering.
Here are a few truths I’ve been learning to hang on to in my heart when I'm struggling to forgive:
- Forgiveness is more satisfying than revenge.
You may think revenge will make you feel better in the short term, but in the long term, it will always cost you more emotionally and spiritually than you’d ever want to pay. Forgiveness doesn’t let the other person off the hook. It places them in God’s hands (see Romans 12:19-21).
- Our God is not a do-nothing God.
Just like we see in Joseph’s story in the Bible, there is never a single moment when God is doing nothing in our lives. Joseph's story ends, “You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good” (Genesis 50:20, NIV). This brings such hope to a girl like me whose heart longs for justice.
- The purpose of forgiveness is not always reconciliation.
Forgiveness doesn’t mean trust is immediately restored or hard relational dynamics are instantly fixed. The point of forgiveness is to keep your heart swept clean, cooperating with God’s command to forgive and keeping yourself in a position to receive God’s forgiveness.
Oh, friend, your heartbreak is so real. And your desire to undo what has been done is so very understandable. Forgiveness requires deep dependence on the Lord, and trusting God is a hard step to take, especially when you’re hurt. But I’m also convinced it’s the only step that leads to anything good. So if His Word instructs us to forgive, I believe we can trust His leading in that.
Today, let’s take a step toward forgiveness … together.
Lord, help me not just make peace with unchangeable things but truly move forward. I know You are not a do-nothing God, and I trust You with all the heartbreak I’ll face on this side of eternity. In Jesus’ Name, Amen.
OUR FAVORITE THINGS
It’s so confusing when some people who do such wrong things seem to get away with what they did. Amid this hurt, do you ever find yourself secretly wondering … Whose team is God really on here? Lysa TerKeurst understands. Identify hidden doubts you have about the Lord and make progress in trusting Him as you embrace biblical truths that will never change — all in Lysa’s new, free resource, When the Person Who Hurt You Got Away With It: 3 Days to Moving Forward. Download now!
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Find real-life encouragement when you connect with Lysa TerKeurst here on Instagram.
FOR DEEPER STUDY
1 Peter 5:7, “Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you” (NIV).
Maybe you haven’t cried out to the Lord in a while about the hurt you’re carrying in your heart. What if you spent some time praying or even journaling about the pain you’ve experienced? Friend, receive His tender love and care for you today.
We’d love to hear from you! Share your thoughts in the comments.
© 2024 by Lysa TerKeurst. All rights reserved.
Proverbs 31 Ministries
P.O. Box 3189
Matthews, NC 28106
www.Proverbs31.org
Originally published Thursday, 15 August 2024.
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