Today was such “a day of endure-ment.” I was wondering when it was going to get better. I’m sure you’ve had those kinds of days too; maybe you are having one right now. No, not just the kind where you get a flat tire and you get the car towed and go buy a new set of tires (if you happen to have enough money for an entire set, or you just buy one to get ya by). No, more than that. I’m talking about the kind of day where you want to crumble, but you can’t; you want to cry, but you don’t have any tears left; you feel numb, you want to be mad, but you’ve already been that; you want to sleep, but you have too much on your mind to do so; you want to scream, but you are too old to act that way; you want to live more, stress less, you don’t have the answers, you – you alone couldn’t do anything to fix it, you just endure and wait. Well, I was wondering today, just wondering when it would get better. I did all that I could. I ate light microwave popcorn and had a coke. That didn’t last long, and in utter defeat and exhaustion, I opened my Bible, read it for a moment, and then laid my head on the thin, soft cool pages and I prayed. I prayed for forgiveness for whatever I did to get myself into this mess. I asked for Mercy to get out of this mess. I requested a miracle – quietly making myself known to the Lord, not in a loud “listen to me God”… way, but humbly, subtly approaching the throne in prayer. No, I wasn’t worthy, but I knew I never would be: God’s grace alone allows me to be there in prayer. I was thankful. No, I wasn’t one of God’s Golden Boy’s (Girls) down here, but I knew that He still gets the glory from any one of His children, no matter how good or perfect we are or aren’t. Yes, He still gets the glory and He could still do something glorifying in me. So, I asked Him. Yes, I was wondering when it would get better. I was wondering if I would hear His voice, if I would feel His peaceful presence, if I would catch a glimpse of Him, no, not His face, but just a vision of His love, and I was wondering… when. It was a quiet, tough day, and in the end I just rejoiced in the fact that even if I didn’t see, feel, touch, or witness some amazing miracle today, it didn’t mean that God hadn’t taken my prayers and begun a work in someone else, somewhere, that when worked all together, would be in direct correspondence to my spot on the floor in prayer today. I rejoiced in the fact that I had prayed, and whether I saw the fruit that budded out of my needful prayer, it didn’t matter. But still, today, I was just wondering if it would get better. By the time I rested my mind, quit typing, quit expecting tears that wouldn’t come, I quit wondering, and I rested in Jesus.
I WAS WONDERING…
I was wondering today
If it would get better
I was wondering if it would help
If I wrote a letter
I was wondering what I could
Possibly do
To make this circumstance
Easier to get through
I was wondering
I was wondering how
This could happen to me
I’ve had enough of rough wars
And victories
I was wondering if I could just
Have a break
I was wondering
Like a duck wandering
On a lake
I was wondering
I was wondering how
I could break right out
I was wondering if I was young enough
To shout
But anyone over two
Can’t scream and carry on
Adults must hum
And sing a song but
I was wondering if those so submerged tears
Would break on through
If just in fear
Would they escape their
Quiet confines
I was wondering if
I’d keep my pride
I was wondering
I was wondering Lord
When I’d hear from You
Lord, I still feel
Most of the time
Like I’m two
I was wondering Lord
If You wouldn’t mind
If You would quietly take
This hurt of mine
I was wondering
And as the day began to
Disappear
Peace came in
Instead of fear
And for a moment I wasn’t wondering
Any more
And that’s the difference
When you have the Lord
Warrior Moms,
If you are wondering when you will get a break and Peace will rush in, rest in God, wait, and it will.
Love,
Kristina
Call to me and I will answer you and tell you great and unsearchable things you do not know.
Jeremiah 33:3
Kristina Seymour loves to encourage and equip women through the Word and through community. She is the author of The Warrior Mom Handbook, The Warrior Mom Leadership Manual, and The Warrior Wife Handbook; they are available at Amazon.com. Kristina's Bible studies are for women who desire to live by faith in the midst of their everyday lives. She has learned that women can't survive on caffeine and animal crackers alone; women in the Word and in community are united and able to stand firm. To learn more about Kristina, please visit her website, https://kristinaseymour.com/. God loves to share His story of love and grace through us all, and Kristina believes that everyone has a story to tell.
Originally published Tuesday, 20 November 2018.
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