Jacob’s speech therapist, Kristen Hall, who was becoming my dear friend, leaned over the therapy table and rested her elbow on one of the miniature dinosaurs that happened to be part of Jacob’s therapy session and said, “You look tired; I’ll get you some coffee.” She left the room for a minute and came back with a traveling coffee mug that read: “Speech Class is where the action is at.” I was thankful, and I took a sip like it was water and I had been in the desert for a week. Precious little Jacob worked on his new three-syllable word, din-o-saur, and I told Kristen that I was exhausted and I had a test at 3:30 but I’d be fine. We didn’t talk anymore because we were there for Jacob.
I was going to school part-time trying to finish my four-year degree, and I was taking a four-class load, which was actually considered full time. I was insane, and I wasn’t prepared for this art history exam. As you know, I thought about becoming a speech therapist, and I decided that if I did, I would be like Kristen and I would give the parents coffee and a hug. She was really the first person or professional that showed a real concern for me – as Jacob’s mom. I’ll be very honest with you for a moment. In the beginning of all of Jacob’s appointments and therapy and all of it, I was a little mad that everyone just “expected” Jacob’s family to do whatever it took to get him what he needed. Really, I wasn’t upset with them as much as I was upset with the fact that we had to do the impossible that really made me mad, sad, scared, and exhausted all in one. I know that sounds bad, but IT’S IMPOSSIBLE TO MAINTAIN A DAY JOB WHILE meeting the needs of your special needs son during the day. And I say that because, had my boss not been an angel to me, I would have lost my job like all the other moms that I knew. And well, sometimes, in my exhaustion, I got irritated because nobody ever asked how I was. I’m just being honest here.
The only way I know how to be is “real.” Sometimes I say what I really feel, even though, maybe I shouldn’t. Or, it’s not that I shouldn’t say it, but maybe I don’t know how to say it without offending anyone. Frankly, I wasn’t doing so well. I was having a hard time trying to pay all the bills and buy groceries, even before Jacob’s special needs came into existence, and now that his special needs existed at the rate of $180.00 an hour for speech therapy that “wasn’t covered by insurance,” and a special speech school at the tune of $15,000 a year, on top of the frustration of only having three fourths of a college degree, and dentist bills and the need for new tires, well, I just wasn’t doing well. I wondered each day how it would all work out. The only thing I knew to do was to keep working and to keep working towards the goal of speech for Jacob. But seriously, it’s not shocking that I got shingles; it’s really not shocking at all. And I only tell you all that so that maybe you’ll understand that on a particular day, when I didn’t feel like I could stand, let alone take one more step forward, I thought about how everyone wanted to know how JACOB was all the time, and I wondered HOW I would make it through. That’s all. I’m just human. It’s not that I’m a mother who doesn’t want to be a mother. Don’t take it that far. It’s just that I’m a mother who knows, and who knew full well, that it was and is all about Jacob (and Faith); it’s just that in really hard times, when one is physically and emotionally exhausted because you are meeting the needs of your special needs child, it’s nice to hear someone ask how YOU are, as opposed to just telling you what YOU NEED TO DO for your son who has special needs and then casually sending you on your way. That’s all.
I hope I explained it well. I tried. And I’m being honest with you because you may be like me right now; you may be having a hard time in a demanding circumstance, and I’m being honest at the risk of someone else who may read this and think I’m horrible. I’m being honest simply so that you will know that I know how it feels – And I’m being honest because that’s all I know how to be when it comes to hardship and struggles and getting through – honesty, and venting helps sometimes too, and so that’s what this chapter is:
It’s a thank you to Kristen Hall for offering me coffee when I could barely stand, and it’s an opportunity for me to reach out to you, Warrior Moms, in the event that you are going through a hard time, to say: “I know how it feels to be exhausted, and so I offer this chapter to you as if it were a cup of coffee from a friend on a hard day.”
A CUP OF COFFEE ON A HARD DAY
A cup of coffee on a hard day
From a friend it’s so
Nice to hear them say
You look tired
Are things going your way
What is it
Is it the struggle
Or a major storm
That has you caught
With your heart torn
Is it the traffic
In your mind
Is there no reason
No rhyme
Around you
How are YOU
No not everyone else
I know they are fine
You said so yourself
I’m asking you
Because you seem
A little low
If I gave you a candle
Would you make a wish
And blow
What would you wish for
Oh you can tell me
My Father in Heaven
Has given me the KEY…
I’m not just ordinary
And now that you hear
My voice
Do you think it’s scary
I know you don’t
For you believe
Even though
Your eyes
Can’t see
You started to talk
And I answered back
So put your troubles
Up on this rack
I’ll carry them for you…
Yes I know
I’ve worn your shoes
I can read your mind
But I like to hear
You
Talk to me
And cancel fear
Is it the traffic
In your mind
Is there no reason
And No rhyme
Look around you
What do you see
Can you sense a near
Victory
Chase out doubt
Cast away failure
If you close your eyes
You can see your savior
Standing at the door
Urging you
To walk toward the harvest
For the workers are few
Few people
On this earth
Will care for you like a mother
Does from birth
So don’t walk around expecting others
To be amazing
That’s all I’m saying
They’ll let you down
But I wear the crown
That pardons Me to ask
TO ME it is a simple task
But I’m God
The first and the last
I’ve poured drinks
I’ve even washed feet
Only I can defeat your doubt
HOW ARE YOU
A cup of coffee on a hard day
From a friend it’s so
Nice to hear you say
Lord, Lord
I’m tired
And need You to lead the way
Love,
Kristina
A man of many companions may come to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother.
Kristina Seymour loves to encourage and equip women through the Word and through community. She is the author of The Warrior Mom Handbook, The Warrior Mom Leadership Manual, and The Warrior Wife Handbook; they are available at Amazon.com. Kristina's Bible studies are for women who desire to live by faith in the midst of their everyday lives. She has learned that women can't survive on caffeine and animal crackers alone; women in the Word and in community are united and able to stand firm. To learn more about Kristina, please visit her website, https://kristinaseymour.com/. God loves to share His story of love and grace through us all, and Kristina believes that everyone has a story to tell.
Originally published Tuesday, 01 January 2019.
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