Some hurts can be so deep they feel as though they might never go away. While God can heal these wounds, He can only heal them if we let Him.
Forgiving a deep hurt can be really hard. Most of us have struggled with forgiveness at some point in our lives, and it is only because of Jesus that we can forgive others. While we can forgive others because it is what God commands, it doesn't mean what they did was okay, nor does it mean what they did is forgotten. When we get to times like this, it is important to be able to forgive deep hurts. I don't claim to be an expert because I'm not. Just like you, I also struggle with forgiving deep hurts.
Deep Hurts & How to Heal
The only way I have ever been able to forgive others is because of God. Paul tells us the importance of forgiveness as he says,
"Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you." - Ephesians 4:32
As Paul tells us, we need to be kind and compassionate to one another and forgive each other as God forgave us in Christ. This is convicting teaching as we are to forgive others just as God has forgiven us.
This very teaching led me to the conviction of the importance of forgiving others, but it also helped me understand that forgiveness and forgetting are not the same thing. Nor is forgiveness saying that it is "okay" or that things can go back to how they were before. Deep hurts hurt us, and it can be hard to recover from them. It can feel as though someone is pouring salt into your wound. Deep hurts can especially be painful and lasting if inflicted upon you by family, friends, or partners.
As a teen, my mom inflicted many deep hurts on me. I love my mom, and I miss her dearly; however, even all these years later, the wounds still hurt. I was never good enough for her and wasn't ever what she wanted me to be, and it still echoes in my mind. These deep hurts can cause us lasting pain, but the good news is the pain doesn't have to last forever.
I have forgiven my mom, yet the pain still lasts because I have failed to entrust my healing to the Lord. Once we can turn to God for healing and allow His help in our deep hurts, we begin to experience the healing we truly need. We can read dozens of self-help books and try our best to move past the hurt ourselves, only to realize who we needed the whole time - God. God is ultimately the only One to help us heal from these deep hurts.
Don't Allow the Wound to Fester
If we allow the deep hurt to last, it will only destroy us on the inside. As someone who has experienced many deep hurts from many loved ones, you cannot allow the wound to fester. You have to forgive the person and trust the healing process to God. Forgiving the person doesn't mean what they did is okay, nor does it mean what they did is forgotten. Rather, forgiveness means giving the situation over to God and choosing to forgive them because it is what God wants you to do.
God wants us to forgive others because if we hold onto unforgiveness, it will cause us to become hurtful, wrathful, and broken people. We might think holding onto unforgiveness or a deep hurt hurts the other person, but it doesn't. More likely than not, the person who caused the deep hurt has already moved on and doesn't think about what they did anymore. This might hurt more but know that God never forgets any of it. He never forgets your hurts, and He never forgets any of the tears you have cried.
The tears, the pain, and the sleepless night have only been hurting you. By turning to God, forgiving the person, and moving on with your healing, you will grow as a person and in your walk with Christ. The person who hurt you may never apologize or recognize what they did to you was wrong or how much it hurt you, yet you are still to forgive this individual. I understand it can be extremely hard and might even feel impossible, but with God, it is possible. He can help you in the forgiveness process and help you move forward with healing.
Moving On from Deep Hurts
Moving on from deep hurts can be difficult, but it won't be as bad when we trust God with our pain. In time, through prayer and Bible reading, we can cultivate a better understanding of mankind, the fallen world, and even possibly the person who hurt us. Maybe you want to try to talk with the person about the deep hurt, and you are more than welcome to; however, you have to be prepared that they might not be as kind about the situation.
I have had many people cause me to have deep wounds when I talk with them about it. They either became defensive, played it down, or made things about themselves. Instead of acknowledging their wrong actions, they became more hurtful by being defensive, yelling, or making things all about them. This can equally be as hurtful and cause the wound to deepen. If you still want to talk to the person about what they did, that is perfectly fine; however, know that it is okay if you don't want to speak to them at all.
Likely, the person who caused your deep hurt was someone who was close to you. Maybe it was a family member, a close friend, or a spouse. When it comes to our loved ones, their words and actions can hurt us more than anyone else. They hurt us more because we thought they were a safe person for us–someone we could talk to about anything, someone who cared about our feelings, and someone we thought would never hurt us. Sadly, since we live in a fallen world, even our loved ones can hurt us, and the wounds they inflict can be far greater than the wounds inflicted upon us by strangers on the street.
There can be healing with the person after a deep hurt has been caused, but it cannot be done without God. God needs to be the center of every relationship you have, and through His guidance, you can see which relationships are worth keeping after a deep hurt. It is possible for the person who caused the deep hurt to hurt you again. This is why it is important to consider your decision and talk with God prayerfully.
Some hurts can be so deep they feel like they might never go away. While God can heal these wounds, He can only heal them if we let Him. We don't need to hold onto our deep hurts like a trophy. Rather, we need to work through the healing and forgiveness process with God. If the person who gave you the deep hurt is someone you want to remain close to, it will take a lot of work on both sides.
If you want to repair the relationship, talk with them about it if they are willing. If they are not or only talk down to you, there is a good chance that the relationship is not savable. However, if a partner or a spouse caused the deep hurt, you could seek couple's therapy. In the same way, if it was hurt inflicted upon you by a family member, seeking out family therapy might be equally helpful. It would be best if you chose what is best for your healing and forgiveness journey to move past your deep hurt.
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