It’s no secret that school nights can feel hectic and jam-packed. There are so many tasks to complete in such a short amount of time, so how are we supposed to find an opportunity to connect as a family? Between work, practices, and rehearsals, some nights barely have room for the things that have to be done, like dinner and homework. While there is no “one size fits all” solution, you do have options to help make the next day a little easier and to maintain and encourage your relationships with your family.
One of the definitions of ritual is “an act or series of acts regularly repeated in a set, precise manner.” Incorporating rituals into your evenings can make your time run smoother. Some of your rituals will need to be nightly while some might be weekly or monthly. Do what works best for your family. The point of a ritual is not perfection, adding more to your plate, or feeling guilty. The point is a routine that supports your family and helps you be intentional in your time and your relationships with each other. My family has rituals in three groups: prepare, relax, and connect. All three can be completed in as little as 30 minutes. And they don’t have to be 30 minutes all in a row! Sometimes my kids come home from school and take 10 minutes to prepare for the next day before they are off to piano lessons. Then, as we drive to activities, we take 10 minutes in the car to connect. Then the 10 minutes right before bedtime are dedicated to relaxing. You can be creative and flexible in how your family incorporates rituals.
It can feel overwhelming to add tasks to your evening, but when you set aside 10-15 minutes to prepare for the next morning, you will find that it is absolutely worth it! Have the whole family choose their outfits for the next day. This can be especially helpful for those kids who have a hard time making up their minds. Busy evenings are nothing compared to the morning chaos of trying to get out the door on time! Choose your clothing at night to take one thing off the to-do list in the morning. Don’t forget to set out shoes, too! How many times has your family been running around the house in the morning looking for that one lost shoe?
Deciding on lunch the night before is also helpful. If your student brings a lunch from home, prep as much as possible the night before. You can put most items in their lunchbox and stick it in the fridge then add any last-minute items in the morning. Make sure all backpacks are full and ready to go. Younger kids need your guidance as they prepare the night before, but that will just teach them to be self-sufficient by the time they reach upper elementary school. Older kids should do each of these steps completely on their own. The ritual of prepping the night before makes mornings more enjoyable and teaches our children to not wait until the last minute to complete their tasks.
We all need time to decompress after a busy day. This is not self-indulgent or excessive; it is simply the way we are designed to transition to sleep. Taking a few minutes to wind down is vital for our kids’ growing bodies and minds and will help them sleep better. The same is true for us as adults. Your relaxation rituals may be as a family or alone. Relaxation time as a family is also a way to connect, so you have the opportunity to double up here! My kids still enjoy it when I read books out loud to them even though they are in middle school. With the increased demands of schoolwork, band, sports, and friends, when I read to them, it allows them to relax and feel comforted. It is like zoning out in front of the television, except with literature, imagination, and family time. I truly believe that our children are never too old to be read to, but it is also great for them to take a few minutes before bed to read a book on their own. Turning off all screens will help them ease into sleep.
Another relaxation ritual that can be practiced as a family or alone is to practice gratitude. Some of your family members may want to take this time to internally reflect on their day while others may choose to write in a gratitude journal or talk about what they are thankful for. Reflecting on what we appreciate relaxes us and is a beneficial ritual to incorporate into your day.
Some before-bed individual relaxation rituals include taking a bath, maybe with some nice music playing, meditation, or a good stretching routine. I like to begin my relaxation rituals about thirty minutes before bedtime, but even as little as ten minutes prepares our bodies for rest and helps to relieve the tensions of the day. Whatever it is that your family likes to do to relax, incorporate it into your evening routine and you are sure to see the benefits.
Our kids need emotional and physical connection with us. All of our children, even those teens who act like they want nothing to do with us, need reassurance of our love. A quick, easy, and extremely impactful way to connect is through physical touch. A hug every night before bed, or right after they get home from school, should be a part of the routine. Even if it is awkward. Even if you don’t love physical touch yourself. Your kids may not act like they want it, but they really do need it. Physical touch has been proven to reduce stress and increase feel-good hormones, and our children will greatly benefit from it. If your family is already comfortable with physical touch, maybe a short shoulder rub or holding hands for a few minutes is the way that you choose to physically connect.
As for emotional connection, almost any conversation is an opportunity. Sometimes, emotional connection can be even more intimidating for our kids of certain ages than physical touch is. Using rituals, we can approach that emotional connection in a deliberate way and not just hope that our kids open up to us. On the nights that your family has the opportunity to have dinner together, a great ritual for emotional connection is “high-low.” Each member of the family shares their “high,” or best part, of the day and their “low,” or worst part, of the day. The only rules here are that nothing that is said gets mocked. We respect everyone’s answer. On some days, my kids answer very briefly while on other days, they elaborate. Sometimes, our highs aren’t all that great, and sometimes, our lows are really terrible. On other days, I hear my kids say, “I didn’t really have a low today. It was a great day!” Either way, it helps us connect and know what is going on in each other’s lives, and it allows us to process our days and feelings.
Another ritual is at bedtime. When you tuck in your children, you can say a prayer with them or talk about the day. While older kids may not get “tucked in,” you can still go into their room to tell them good night. Sometimes, the privacy of the bedroom, especially if the lights are off or dim, can make for a great opportunity to emotionally connect. We can also take advantage of car rides. The kids are already trapped in there with us, and the lack of eye contact can make opening up feel less vulnerable. The most important thing is to listen. There are plenty of times when we as parents need to step in to advise or discipline our children, but during our rituals, the safety and love of the connection are what we are focused on. Whatever rituals you choose, I pray that your school nights feel less stressed and more connected.
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Megan Moore is a military spouse and mom of 3 (through birth and adoption). A speech-language pathologist by training, she now spends her time moving around the country every couple of years. She is passionate about special needs, adoption, and ice cream.