Growing up, I used to think Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) was defined stereotypically. Washing my hands seven times, re-organizing the dishes a certain way, putting the pillows on my bed in a certain order, or hanging the clothes in my closet from darkest shade to lightest. I didn't fit the criteria for diagnosed OCD, but when I met my husband, I quickly realized he did. It was a wake-up call I will never forget.
At first, I thought my husband-to-be just liked to be organized. Though his room was sometimes messy, he had his designated piles. A place for everything and everything in its place was his mantra. As we dated, however, I quickly realized his struggle with time. He was late to our dates, seemed to spend a really long time on simple tasks, and would take extensively long showers.
By the time we were engaged, I saw Ben's struggle up close. While he would often wash his hands religiously, I was more concerned about watching him check that his car was locked five to seven times, or shutting the fridge door five times to make sure it was closed. It finally made sense—that's where much of his time was going—obeying numerous compulsions in his mind.
Like Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD), OCD is a form of anxiety. As my counselor says, anxiety has different flavors and those flavors are unique to every individual. Marrying someone with GAD to someone with OCD has presented its unique challenges, for sure.
But here are 3 things I've learned about caring for someone who has OCD:
Before meeting my husband, my knowledge of OCD was limited. I thought I understood it stereotypically, but I realized true OCD was only half of that. OCD is not just repetitive rituals and compulsions (though it often includes and is characterized by that), but it's a debilitating anxiety of the mind. For my husband, it's a blend of perfectionism, religious scrupulosity, and a need to make sure everything is right all the time.
One of the best ways I learned to help my husband with his OCD wasn't by getting a degree in Psychology or Counseling, but by doing my research. We all know that knowledge is power, but I wanted to be informed out of compassion. It's easy to say we know what someone is experiencing (sympathy). It's hard to feel what they're actually experiencing (empathy).
Striving for empathy and doing your research looks like using credible resources and training to not only understand but express genuine care and concern. But this type of research doesn't just come from scholars but from the Word of God.
Proverbs 2:1-6 highlights this well in a profound definition of biblical wisdom, knowledge, and understanding: "My son, if you accept my words and store up my commands within you, turning your ear to wisdom and applying your heart to understanding—indeed, if you call out for insight and cry aloud for understanding, and if you look for it as for silver and search for it as for hidden treasure, then you will understand the fear of the Lord and find the knowledge of God. For the Lord gives wisdom; from his mouth come knowledge and understanding" (NIV).
The longer my husband and I were together, and the longer I talked about our struggles with mental health in my counseling sessions, the more I realized the need to be kind. Like love, joy, and peace, I like to think of kindness as a fruit of the Spirit—an ability to express help by going out of your way to do something good for someone else.
Showing kindness to those with OCD sounds easy, but is much more difficult than it sounds—especially if you're married to someone with that condition. Let me give you a practical example.
Proverbs 16:24 tells us, "Kind words are like honey— sweet to the soul and healthy for the body" (NLT). That's simple to do when both parties are getting along. When my high-functioning anxiety tells me everything needs to be done right now (regardless of perfection), but my husband's anxiety tells him everything must be done slowly, perfectly, and particularly, we're in for more than a mild disagreement.
Caring for someone with OCD means striving for kindness, even when it's hard. It means doing your best to understand and react from a place of knowledge and empathy rather than strife or selfish desires. For my husband and me, this has practically looked like each pursuing individual counseling, then coming together in marriage counseling. Doing this has enabled us to get out our frustrations and work towards a biblical and practical resolution. If each party is pursuing kindness, the resolutions will work a lot better!
Although my husband and I have been together since 2018, I'll never stop learning how to support him in his journey with OCD. There is always room for growth, patience, and kindness to be cultivated with those who are struggling.
A few things that have helped me support my husband in his struggles are asking him how I can help, attending his counseling sessions, helping him with his medications, and lending a listening ear. One practical thing we did around the home, for example, was placing "Let Go" sticky notes and prayers on the places he tends to double, triple, and quadruple check (the fridge door, front door, bathroom cabinet, etc).
Supporting someone in their battle with mental health will always remind me of Galatians 6:2: "Bear one another's burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ" (ESV), and Mark 9:35: "Sitting down, Jesus called the Twelve and said, 'Anyone who wants to be first must be the very last, and the servant of all'" (NIV). And those are my prayers for you.
As you learn to care for those who struggle with mental health disorders like OCD, I want to be clear that you must not forget to care for yourself. You cannot pour from an empty cup. Despite my husband's diagnosis, caring for my GAD and depression must also be a priority. But self-care in this sense is not selfish. It's tending to the bodies Christ has given us so that we can be our best selves who serve others.
1 Corinthians 6:19-20 says this best: "Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your bodies" (NIV).
Friend, supporting others is one of the greatest commands of love Jesus has ever given to His people—especially when those people are suffering. But we can only serve and care for them if we've first tended to our own temples. Caring for someone with OCD begins with caring for yourself (and your mental struggles), but then using your struggles to relate to and care for others.
How will you care for someone in need today?
Agape, Amber
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