When we hear the word break-up, we often think of a romantic relationship ending. This can be painful, especially if the relationship lasted long and meant a lot to us. However, a break-up is sometimes needed because the relationship is not serving us. It was hurting you or negatively changing you. Sometimes, break-ups can help us become better people because we grow and evolve, yet this side of the coin is not often considered.
We want to feel the other person suffered as much as we did, but sometimes this isn't true. After a breakup, usually, one person hurts worse, and the other person feels a sense of relief. While you are probably aware of feeling one of these things, please take this scenario a step further. Most people have either broken up with someone or broken up with someone. However, have you ever thought of breaking up with an aspect or a tendency within yourself that is destructive or abusive?
Breaking up with something inside ourselves can be a challenging feat! After all, we have spent so much time with this aspect of ourselves that it can feel like it has become part of us. Even though we think this way, it doesn’t mean it is true. Our negative thoughts or feelings are not us, and they don’t define who we are. As someone who has intrusive thoughts, I have learned that my thoughts are not an accurate description of who I am, and they are not an accurate description of who you are either.
Something that a lot of people carry around with them is self-hate. Self-hate was part of my identity for so long, and I never thought there would be a day when I didn’t hate myself. I believed it was just part of who I was; however, after years of therapy, self-reflection, kindness to myself, and reflecting on what God says rather than my thoughts and feelings, I have come to a place where I no longer hate myself. Self-hate isn’t part of my days because I have chosen to be kind to myself. I am a beloved child of God, and He didn’t make a mistake when He created me (1 John 3:1).
We will have to learn this at some time in our lives because we cannot continue to hold onto self-hate. I held on to it for most of my life, but it didn’t serve me. The more I fed into the self-hate, the more I felt worse about myself. Common thoughts and feelings I would have about myself were, “I’m not good enough,” “I’m not pretty,” “Nobody likes me,” and “Nothing good ever happens to me, so I must deserve this.”
Of course, these are all negative thoughts that need to be dismantled. If you are having any thoughts of self-hate, be honest with yourself. The first step to healing is being honest and acknowledging what is going on. Once I figured out I had a strong sense of self-hate in my life, I was able to start addressing it and changing the narrative. It is hard, but it is worth it.
To heal from self-hate and change your thoughts is to talk matters over with the Lord. Sharing your feelings with Jesus, studying the Bible, and applying what the Bible says will radically change how you view yourself. Self-hate cannot coexist with what God says about you. A few things God says about you include:
After reflecting on these passages, it can help you begin to shift your view of yourself. It won’t happen overnight, but it will come in time. Each time a negative thought comes into your mind, replace it with Scripture. Talk with the Lord in prayer and ask Him to help you see yourself as He sees you. This is a prayer I prayed for years, and now, I see myself as God does. I no longer see myself as a mistake—I see myself as someone who the Creator believes.
Breaking up with self-hate will not happen without ending a self-hate mentality. If you continue to talk badly to yourself or think bad things, you will never make progress. I was in this same boat for a long time because I wasn’t ready to make the necessary changes. Sometimes, it can feel easier to say bad things about ourselves rather than trying to say something nice about ourselves. We must challenge the self-hate mentality and replace it with truth.
Sadly, most of us developed self-hate because, at one point, someone said something hurtful to us. As a kid and in middle school, I was made fun of because of my weight. This led me to develop self-hate, which pushed me to engage in excessive dieting and exercise. I developed anorexia, and I still struggle with it as an adult. The self-hate stirred all of this into being, which is why I’m a firm believer in developing a positive self-view when you are young.
However, I know this isn’t going to happen for everyone, as I know this firsthand. Even though we cannot change the past, we can change the future. Think about everything that caused you to develop self-hate and give it to the Lord. Cast your troubles, burdens, and worries on Him (1 Peter 5:7). He will carry you and relieve your heart.
When times are going bad or when they are going well, turn to the Lord. He will help you end the cycle of self-hate and start seeing yourself as He does. Jesus does not want us to hate ourselves as He says, “And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself” (Matthew 22:39). This passage is in context with the two greatest commandments. The first greatest commandment is to love the Lord with all your heart, mind, body, and soul (Matthew 22:37), and the second greatest commandment is to love your neighbor as yourself.
Notice here that we are to love our neighbor as we love ourselves. This means the Lord wants us to love ourselves, care for ourselves, and be kind to ourselves. We are not to say bad things to ourselves or tear ourselves down. Jesus wants us to walk in His love for us and let go of any connection with self-hate. Break up with self-hate today, and you will be able to start moving forward in the beautiful life Jesus has for you.
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