There is no humility like that of a mental disorder. You fight a genuine battle that others cannot see. Sure, they can see the effects, but we still live in a culture that might choose to ignore or degrade the aftermath of a panic attack. I can show others the problem within my contorted ear canal, which cause impaired hearing. The doctor pinpointed the issue, and it is easy to see on a diagram. But I cannot show them the neurons that misfire and the obsessive thoughts that constantly circulate within my brain. Moreover, I cannot make them understand why I helplessly carry out my compulsions. It’s simple. People sympathize with what they can see and what they can prove. And sometimes, mental disorders are not on that list, leaving the sufferer to fight the disorder and try to hide it.
I am very blessed by the fact that I have an amazing support system. My loved ones listen, learn, and encourage. However, I still find myself embarrassed of my disorder. It hasn’t been long since I learned that disorder is plural. Yep. I have two. I will never forget hearing, “You have ADD.” Great, I thought. Not only does my OCD torment my everyday life, but now the intrusive thoughts run around like free-range chickens. I start tasks, only to notice halfway through that I need to begin another while simultaneously trying to fight off intrusive thoughts and fears. By the end of the day, I have five unfinished projects, two new life crises, and a headache. It’s a cycle of exhaustion, fear, and guilt.
Yet, I have learned the power of truth. Realizing I had ADD gave me a peace I didn’t know I needed. Going to therapy and educating myself on the truth of my OCD gave me a sense of control I haven’t felt since I was 16. However, the truth can be hard to hear. I didn’t want to hear that my OCD was so bad that I needed to see a therapist and maybe increase my daily “happy pills.” I didn’t want to hear that my brain was, yet again, not doing its job, and that’s why I have never been able to do one task at a time. But there can be beauty within the hard truth.
I would be lying if I said that my OCD was under control. It might just be the opposite right now. There are moments when fear and worry make me physically sick. But there is peace at the end when my daily battle is over and won. I imagine this peace to be the same one that I will feel when I see Jesus for the first time. There will be a sense of joy that has long been felt, with a sense of accomplishment from running the race well. You see, even though the “OCD truth” is hard, Jesus still uses it to strengthen me and to make me more like Him. On the other hand, my ADD is a discovery. As I stood in my apartment turning in circles, taking in all the projects I had begun and suspended halfway through, I began to cry at the fact I had truly accomplished nothing during the time I had set aside to be productive. I explained to my mom that this was a visual of my brain. Some constant projects and lists aren’t completed, coinciding with a sense of urgency to finish everything I have started. It wasn’t long before we realized what was going on. This truth stung a little. And even though this is premeditated, I began to worry about the children I hope God will bless me with one day. Will I give all of this to them? Do I need to have them in therapy early so they learn how to process their thoughts?
The truth can come with a lot of questions. But, when The Truth came to earth, questions were asked. When Jesus carried out His ministry, people would ask Him the hard stuff. And even when the truth might not be what everyone wanted to hear, He didn’t shy away from it. Sometimes the truth is meant to be a growing tool. The neat thing about growing is that you always end up stronger at the end. For instance, a tree grows into adulthood and becomes sturdy and tall. It is better equipped to handle storms and the elements than when it was a sapling.
The truth, though hard, can lead to growth. Though possibly painful, growth can lead to a stronger, sturdier, and happier ending. For instance, I could not seek treatment if I didn’t know the truth of my sickness. My sweet friend would never have found her husband if she did not learn the truth about the first guy she dated. I would never have known not to eat carrots if I did not try them as a child and almost got sick. The truth can be challenging, but it is always worth it.
It would be easy to end this article here. It would be an encouraging “you’re going to make it” type of thing. But I would be doing you an injustice if I did not tell you the most challenging part. Whether it be about your mental disorder, toxic relationship, or anything else life may throw at you, you will come to truthful conclusions and feel like you are drowning. I had laid on my bed in tears before, wondering how I was supposed to live despite my struggles. That is what the truth can do. It can hurt and feel debilitating. However, there is always a light at the end of the tunnel. Sometimes, you will see the light, lose it, and then find it again. I remember crying my eyes out as I faced some storms one week, feeling as if I was standing in the middle of the mountaintop the next, and then finding my way back into the storm and tears the following week. This rollercoaster of emotions is a product of the hard truth.
But take heart. If you are traveling through mountaintops and storms, that means you are moving. You are not standing stagnant in your battle. So, keep moving toward the truth, even if it seems unpredictable and unwelcoming. And know that someday you will walk, some days you will run, and some days you will only crawl. Just. Keep. Moving. It’s a hard battle to find and embrace the truth. However, when you stand on the other side, you will see how refined you are. You will see where God’s hand guided you and protected you. And at the end of it all, you will be able to tell others not to be afraid of the truth and encourage their battle.
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Olivia Lauren is a graduate student passionate about Scripture, particularly the Book of Romans showcasing God's grace. Outside her studies, she enjoys teaching her dog new tricks and finding quicker ways to silence the smoke alarm after trying a new recipe.