A respectful no gives the truth surrounded by God’s love. It answers with clarity while still respecting the other person.
My heartbeat pounded, slowly at first. Then like a runaway train, it picked up speed. Faster and faster—no matter how many deep breaths I took, I couldn’t stop it. Until it felt like something derailed my heart, knocking it out of rhythm. After several frightening minutes, the normal heart rate I’d come to appreciate returned with a sigh of sweet relief. Only now, I didn’t have the strength to go about my normal routine.
The unexplained heart problem started happening more frequently. I was right smack in the middle of a busy season. A full-time job teaching junior high, parenting a teenager, and trying to honor the new open doors in my writing and speaking ministry. I’d just returned from traveling with friends and had pushed myself to the limit by agreeing to a speaking engagement while on the trip. Now, a few days after returning, I lay stretched out on a cold bed in the ER.
Truth be told, busyness had become a way of life. I couldn’t recall the last time I’d been unbusy, and as I waited for hours in the hospital that day, I wondered if this scary health issue resulted from the full calendar on my desk.
My off-balance heartbeat reflected the off-balance schedule I juggled each day. Stress took a dangerous toll. Something had to change. I needed to say no more often. To give myself time to rest and time with Jesus. But I cringed thinking about how to make that needed change. I’d never been good at saying no, and when I tried, I always seemed to offend the other person.
How could I bring balance and peace to my life if I struggled with how to say no?
Why It’s So Hard to Say No
When I began my walk with the Lord early in my adult life, I developed a passion for serving. Wise mentors and pastors spoke about using our gifts for his glory and the doors God would open wide—all I needed to do was ask. What a promise!
I learned that God would give me direction when I sought him. Jeremiah 29:13 (NIV) comes to mind: “You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.” It’s a favorite I still like to quote when I’m stuck wondering which way to go.
But I also believe in my excitement to do good things for God, I can veer off track. I’m tempted to think every open door is a God thing, and that every time someone asks for my help, it’s an open door. I worry if I say no, I’ll be missing that God-given opportunity I’ve been waiting for.
It’s even harder to say no when the request comes from someone we love or respect. We want our people to know they can count on us. We may say yes because we don’t want to let them down. Or maybe, we don’t want to let God down. We forget that our worth in his eyes is not based on our works. Either way, our eagerness to please can make a simple no seem daunting.
The Difference Between Saying No and Respectfully Saying No
I wish it hadn’t taken a health crisis to teach me the importance of the word no. My go-getter nature wants to berate myself for not realizing it sooner, but I’m leaning on grace today. Jesus is all about grace, and his forgiveness in our lives reminds us to offer ourselves that same level of grace.
Nos are hard to express the right way. We may overthink it. We end up with so many words, the gentle no gets lost in the conversation. We want to give all the reasons why we just can’t right now. We carry the responsibility of the situation, even taking it upon ourselves to come up with suggestions. We offer alternatives and give our opinion about who we think would be a better fit. But the responsibility of the outcome is not ours to carry.
All we need to do is offer a respectful no. That’s enough. We can trust God with the rest. His Word says in Psalm 9:10, “Those who know your name trust in you, for you, Lord, have never forsaken those who seek you.” As we continue seeking God first, his path will become clear. He will not only reveal when to say no, but how to say it.
A respectful no says, “I value you and the task you’re asking me to do.” It shows my belief in the importance of this job or favor or opportunity, and that I am unable to give it the time and attention it deserves. A respectful no gives the truth surrounded by God’s love. It answers with clarity while still respecting the other person.
How I Learned the Art of a Respectful No
Saying no respectfully didn’t come easily for me at first, and it still doesn’t! But I don’t want that to sound discouraging. Learning the art of a respectful no is possible, and the rewards will be well worth the practice.
Asking friends to share their thoughts helped me shift my perspective. Having conversations centered around our shared struggle brought comfort in knowing we weren’t alone. It also gave me ideas for ways to improve in this area.
I Need to Acknowledge My Eagerness to Please
“If only I wasn’t such a pushover.” Many times I’ve agreed to do something I immediately regretted. Then I chastised myself for not at least taking the time to pray about it first. I didn’t realize my anger at myself turned into bashing the person God created me to be.
God describes us as his handiwork. “For we are God’s handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do” (Ephesians 2:10). The original Greek word for handiwork means, “workmanship or creation.” We are God’s own creation—a beautiful truth to remember when we’re tempted to criticize our inability to say no.
I’ve always disliked the term "people-pleaser." Yet I’ve identified myself that way more often than I’d care to admit. The truth is people who love to please have many endearing qualities. They offer genuine love and care in a world full of selfishness and darkness. Being a people-pleaser isn’t always a bad thing, as long as we know where to set appropriate boundaries for ourselves and our families.
Would we criticize the stars in the sky or the birds as they sing each morning? Would we chastise the beach or the snow-capped mountains? Of course not! God gave us our own unique character traits for a reason. Rather than wishing we weren’t this way, let’s acknowledge who we are in Christ as we work on discerning our yeses and nos.
My Calendar Doesn’t Have to Be Full to Be Fruitful
I used to wear my calendar like a badge of honor. If Lydia in the Bible could single-handedly run a business, care for her family, serve the church, and show hospitality, then I could too! I failed to see how my struggle with comparison spilled over onto my calendar. I didn’t have to prove my worth by doing as much as the next girl, and it took being forced to slow down in order to see that.
I am forever grateful to God for allowing circumstances in my life that derailed my overloaded schedule. I needed it, and I pray the lessons I learned will be a call to action for other women who are still learning to respectfully say no. Our calendars only need to reflect what is right for us in this season, nothing more.
Learning to say no is an ongoing process. In fact, as I write this right now, there’s a sticky note in the middle of next month’s quickly-filling calendar that reads, “Do not add anything else this month.” God has shown me time and again how he can do more with my less. When I leave time for him to work, he gets all the praise. And when I respond respectfully, God is glorified. May the fruitfulness of our yeses always point to our heavenly Father.
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