... nothing is wasted when you care about those in need.
I thought I wanted to be like her.
Her white teeth glowed from across the room as she tossed her perfectly poised hair across her shoulder. From where I was sitting in the coffee shop, I could hear her laughter. I didn't need to see the smile plastered on her face—I knew it was stuck there like it was drawn with a permanent Sharpie marker.
When she got up from the table, I was in dismay. Her body perfectly matched her personality in every way. From afar, she was flawless. Size 0, nearly 6 feet tall, and athletic. She seemed to bask in the sunshine beaming through the windows. Yet instead of being happy for her, I stewed in envy.
Can you relate?
During my teens and early twenties, I found myself striving to be like this nameless individual. Nameless in the fact that to this day, they are still a stranger to me. But something within wasn't content with who I was. Instead, I wanted to be like anyone and everyone else. Before I knew it, I'd developed an eating disorder and a dangerous addiction to exercise.
I thought I wanted to be like her, but all being like someone else got me was sick, malnourished, and miserable. Eating disorders are among the top five mental health disorders young adults wrestle with in the United States. But instead of talking about them, we pretend we're fine and continue striving to be like someone else (especially unrealistic and unhealthy versions of them). If you suspect someone might be struggling with an eating disorder, here are three ways to gently broach the topic:
1. Use "I" Statements
As someone who has struggled with an eating disorder, I want to be clear that confrontation can be scary. It's terrifying for the person expressing concern and overwhelming for the person being confronted. While there's no way around having necessary but uncomfortable conversations, using "I" statements is one way to make confrontation a bit less awkward.
If you suspect a friend or family member is struggling with an eating disorder, you can use "I" statements to express your concern for them. This might look something like:
"I'm worried about you because you seem unhappy lately."
"I'm concerned about you because it seems you're not feeling well."
"I’ve noticed that something seems to be bothering you and I'm worried about you."
When using "I" statements, it's important to express concern, offer support, share your feelings, and encourage healing (in that order). Eating disorders, just like any other mental health disorder, can make individuals fearful, irritable, anxious, and on edge. I'm not a mental health professional or psychologist, but as someone who's studied this field extensively and struggled with eating and exercise herself, those struggling must first know you care.
2. Show Grace, Not Judgment
Although many individuals reached out to me when I was struggling with an eating disorder, I was in denial. Few "I" statements were used, and threats to force me to eat were given instead. Looking back, I know these individuals wanted nothing more than to help. But they didn't understand my struggle from the inside out, so they tried to fix it from the outside in.
In dealing with any mental health disorder, it's important to show grace and not judgment. Practically, this might look like opening up about your struggles and explaining that you don't judge them for theirs. Matthew 7:1-2 points to this plainly: "Do not judge, or you too will be judged. For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you" (NIV).
Showing grace and not judgment to a friend dealing with an eating disorder might look like listening openly, allowing them to express their feelings, and creating a safe space and environment for them to heal. There is only so much you can do to support those who are struggling unless you are a doctor or medical professional. But as Christians, we are called to show up for those in need. Galatians 6:2 reminds us: "Bear one another's burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ" (ESV).
Bearing the burden doesn't mean trying to offer clinical help or engaging in harmful behaviors yourself. Bearing the burden means doing your best to understand what someone is going through, expressing your compassion and concern, and supporting them along the journey. I believe the Apostle Paul said this best in his address to the Corinthians:
"For though I am free from all, I have made myself a servant to all, that I might win more of them. To the Jews I became as a Jew, in order to win Jews. To those under the law I became as one under the law (though not being myself under the law) that I might win those under the law. To those outside the law I became as one outside the law (not being outside the law of God but under the law of Christ) that I might win those outside the law. To the weak I became weak, that I might win the weak. I have become all things to all people, that by all means I might save some. I do it all for the sake of the gospel, that I may share with them in its blessings" (1 Corinthians 9:19-23, ESV).
We do not bind ourselves to harmful practices and behaviors or the customs of this world. We bind ourselves to understanding those who are suffering and being the best light of Jesus to them that we can. We share our struggles so that we may relate to them, and then we help support them so that they may get the professional help they need.
3. Encourage Professional Help
As much as you may want to love and support those who are dealing with mental health struggles like eating disorders, you must encourage them to seek professional help. While it's not the case for everyone, most victims of anorexia, bulimia, and avoidant restrictive food intake disorder, to name a few, will not get better on their own.
Scripture reading, prayer, and believing in God for healing are absolutely important and key in any mental health journey to recovery. But those who are struggling with an eating disorder don't need to be told to pray and read their Bible more, especially if they're already doing so. Being a Christian doesn't exempt us from real-life struggles, and those real-life struggles unfortunately include mental health challenges.
Encouraging professional help could look like offering to help your friend find a trustworthy clinical counselor, going to a session with them, or explaining your experience with getting professional help (for any applicable situation). Continuing to weave in "I" statements during these conversations can also be helpful. Here's a short example:
"I care about you and just want you to be healthy and feel better." Then, normalize seeking help: "I know I wrestled with going to therapy for years because I was scared of what others might think. But getting help is a strength and not a weakness, and God doesn't think any less of you."
Next, offer to help with the process: "I know finding professional help can be scary and overwhelming. I'd love to help you with this process because I'm here for you. You're not alone, and I care." Adding personal stories of encouragement here can also be helpful: "I've learned so much through counseling and it's really helped improve my mental health."
Draw a Boundary
While there are many more steps that one could engage in for this process, I pray these few get you started. Remember: Helping those you know and love to recover from an eating disorder is challenging. You have to draw boundaries between what you can offer and be honest about your limits. But nothing is wasted when you care about those in need.
Using "I" statements, showing grace and not judgment, and encouraging professional help are just three ways you can gently approach someone who might be dealing with an eating disorder. How might you help someone in need today?
Agape, Amber
Photo Credit: ©Unsplash/Jennifer Burk
