If you're struggling today—whatever that looks like—I encourage you to take one small baby step towards healing. Even if that's just admitting that you need help or talking to someone you trust, it's a step that matters.
I took my first anxiety pill Saturday evening. It was a few minutes past 10 pm, and the moon had just peaked in the night's sky. Despite the cool, beautiful evening, I couldn't shake the pit in my stomach.
This date had been on my calendar for months. After getting prescribed medication in February, I was advised not to take it until I'd gotten rid of my cold. That cold seemed to last a month and a half, but I was determined that on March 22nd, I'd conquer a few fears and start my journey to a clearer mind.
As I poured the pills into my hand, my body rose and fell in tumultuous shudders. I asked God to use this medication, in His will, to heal me. I told Him I needed help. I told Him I didn't want to live in this riddling, high-functioning anxiety any longer. And then, I told Him something I'd been afraid to admit for years: I couldn't fix this. I couldn't fix me. That I felt weak, embarrassed, and ashamed. I asked Him why I wasn't strong enough to fight this. To get better. To get it together.
Finding Strength in Weakness
He reminded me of 2 Corinthians 12:9: "But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me" (2 Corinthians 12:9, NIV). And so, with shaky hands and a rapidly beating heart, I placed one antidepressant under my tongue. As I swallowed with a large gulp, the tears began to flow. I sobbed until I couldn't sob anymore. Why?
With any medication, side effects can be unknown. Who really wants headaches, nausea, acid reflux, low blood pressure, vomiting, constipation, and diarrhea? No one, right? However, we often take these medications because we believe the benefits outweigh the risks. And many times, they do!
It's scary to try something you've never tried before. But more than that, admitting you need help is scary. And that's exactly why I started medication for my mental health. Because, as much as the cons could outweigh the pros, it's something I haven't tried before. As my therapist likes to counter, what if the pros outweigh the cons? Instead of always thinking what if something goes wrong, what about thinking if it goes right?
The Struggles and the Small Wins
Day 1, I felt pretty crummy. I woke up every few hours and barely slept through the night. By the morning, I was woken by a headache, fatigue, lightheadedness, dizziness, nausea, and stomach cramps. Joy. Day 2, I felt the same. But you know what? I'm going to give it time. I'm going to give it the benefit of the doubt. I'm going to keep trying what scares me most because God deserves the best version of me. My husband deserves the best version of me. My readers deserve the best version of me. I deserve the best version of myself.
By day three, I started to realize that medication isn't all that different than therapy. While medications do have positive and negative side effects, therapy can, too. Just like you need to find a therapist or counselor who's right for you, the same can be said about medication.
It's often trial and error, and that's okay. What matters is that you're showing up day after day, trying your best, and putting your best foot forward. You've done your research and prepared. Now it's time to show up. Do the thing. Take a leap of faith.
A Tool for Healing
Medication may not be the right choice for everyone, but it's a tool that God can use to help those who are hurting and haven't found relief from prayer, Scripture reading, and therapy alone. For me, I've fought the battle of anxiety since I was eight years old. It's only gotten worse over the years, and despite being a faithful Christian, I still struggle. It doesn't mean I lack faith. It means I'm human and need something beyond myself to help me.
If you're wrestling with your mental health, specifically the decision to take medication or not, I want to encourage you with some wise words my counselor told me: Sometimes, the greatest way to heal and conquer fears is to try what scares us most. We aren't jumping blind, we've done our research, and we've prepared. But the only way to find out what happens is by doing the thing.
It's taken me the last six years to finally feel comfortable enough to try medication. And I'll be frank: I was prescribed the same medication last year at this time and never took it. Fear got hold of me, and I was paralyzed. But now, a year later, I reached a breaking point. I knew I didn't want to live as a slave to anxiety any longer, and that medication could help this clinical condition. So, I'm trying it.
I don't know if this medication will be the right fit for me. It's a slow process that will take time, patience, resilience, and effort. But it's worth a shot. Not because I'm placing all my hope in this medication. I'm placing my hope in a God who often used mud, spit, figs, and water to bring the miraculous out of the ordinary. And who am I to say that He can't do that with me? Using a small, but mighty 25mg pill. What if He uses that to transform me? I know He can, but the question is if He will.
No matter what happens, His grace is enough for me. In the struggles or on the mountain tops—He will keep leading me exactly where I'm meant to be.
As I take this step, I realize I'm not alone. Hundreds of thousands of people are on medication and fighting their battles with anxiety, depression, or fear. Some fight quietly behind the scenes, while others fight openly. But we all need the same thing: The strength and courage the Lord provides, enabling us to take that first step. It might still feel scary. Unknown. Foreign. But He promises to be with us in every single one.
If you're struggling today—whatever that looks like—I encourage you to take one small baby step towards healing. Even if that's just admitting that you need help or talking to someone you trust, it's a step that matters. You don't need to have everything figured out right now. And you're allowed to trust that no matter the size of the step, it's a step towards healing. Hope. Brighter days. Answers. New horizons. How am I so sure?
Because Jesus has a unique plan for your life and your healing. No one's plans look alike. But I am confident that however and whatever He uses to bring your healing will be just right for you. It will bring glory and honor to His name, and your story will become a walking testimony. A testimony of His power and strength in your weakness. And how our God chose to love the weak things of this world to shame the strong. Isn't that the beauty of admitting our need for someone beyond ourselves?
Agape, Amber
Photo Credit: ©iStock/Getty Images Plus/vladans
