"Are you happy?" my husband asked as we pulled out of the grocery store parking lot. The question was posed as a joke while Snoop Dogg's nursery rhyme, "Happy," reverberated through our car. (Yes, Snoop Dogg produces nursery rhymes. Yes, I'm in the phase of motherhood where my sanity is desperate enough for ole Snoop.)
I chuckled in a cheap effort to push off the question that silently became less about an iconic 90s rapper and more about the overwhelm that is my entire life.
"I'm not not happy," I replied, choosing my words oh, so carefully. "But I wouldn't say this has been the best day." And by "day," I meant season.
Of course, I understand how we as Christians believe that being "happy" is a sign of emotional selfishness, and yes, I'm well-acquainted with the difference between a momentary feeling and ever-faithful joy. But I don't think there is anything inherently sinful in checking in with where we are and how we are feeling towards our day-to-day lives.
If I'm honest about where I'm at today, in this season, I would simply say that I'm tired—of lots of things.
I'm drained as a mama. I haven't slept through the night in a year because my 13-month-old son (though cute and near perfect) still prefers to get up around 3:30 each morning.
I'm tired of doctor's appointments from medical complications that began years ago. Let's not mention the copays and the insurance that never seems to cover anything...
I'm tired of flipping an old farmhouse that, though charming and one-of-a-kind, constantly requires thousands of dollars for projects that take months to complete. (I haven't had a dishwasher in two years and I'm more than bitter.)
I'm tired of broken relationships between those I love that seem as though they'll never be mended. I can't begin to explain how awkward and unnerving Christmas dinners and birthday parties now are.
I'm tired of the most evil people I know walking through life seemingly untouched while some of the best people I know fight brain cancer, infertility, job loss, and a heap of other tragedies.
I'm tired of the tug-of-war battle in my heart between my opinion on what God should do and what He actually chooses to do.
Can you relate?
I won't brush off your worn, weary situation with superficial advice. You deserve more honesty than that. So don't read this if you're merely looking for someone to verify that you deserve the sort of rest that sends you skipping to the spa for a facial. Don't read this if you're hoping there's one basic action step to solve your problems. Don't read this if you're hoping I'll say that reading the Bible makes life's hurt go away.
Instead, keep reading if you want more than a cheap antidote for your exhaustion. Keep reading if you understand that the antidote might be less about the weariness vanishing and more about allowing space for it to exist without swallowing your soul.
Take a few deep breaths, let all the good, bad, and ugly be fully known, and if you're tired of, well, everything, delve into these simple tactics to keep your head above water:
Whether you realize it or not, each of us has some sort of relationship with perfection. Perhaps you broke up with perfection in your youth when you realized you weren't Mom and Dad's favorite, the smartest kid in the class, or the girl the popular guys wanted. But has that breakup, even if decades ago, left you bitter, wounded, and jaded? Was perfection a dream that shattered your tiny heart and left your adult soul to pick up the pieces that won't ever fit back together just right?
Are you and perfection inseparable, going super steady? Can you not survive without meeting perfection's mark, keeping up that size-2 body, the social influencer life, that untouchable job performance, the idolized super-mom status?
If you and perfection are in a serious relationship, one that controls how you function each day, you will too easily be tired of anything and everything you are.
You can't let the pain of being imperfect leave you mad at an imperfect world. You'll only be cold and distant from everyone and everything.
You can't let the fear of being imperfect leave you sacrificing the peace of resting in God's grace or else you'll live your life controlled by hollow requirements you were never created to uphold.
An unhealthy relationship with perfection will leave you disappointed as a student, daughter, wife, mother, employee, creative, Christian, and however else you label yourself. You can't be any of these things without understanding that you can't and won't be perfect within any of these identities. That's why our salvation hinges upon Christ's identity—who He is as God's Son, the Savior, the Perfecter of our faith (Hebrews 12:1-3).
It might be time that you had a heart-to-heart conversation with perfection and decided it's best that you part ways, break all those ties, let those ghosts go, and let her rest so you can find true rest too.
Like I said, we Christians get unhinged when someone dares to mention being "happy." But I don't think there's anything wrong with happiness rooted in the beauty of a situation that God allowed. There's undeniable beauty all around us that can spur on feelings of happiness that, while temporary, point to the eternal character of a glorious God.
If you're tired of feeling that your Christianity is fulfilled by dodging happiness in a legalistic allegiance to rules, I'd encourage you to be conscious about finding beauty in little moments each day. Then, see how your heart is softened towards the spiritual side of things.
When I'm tired of my husband—tired of how he never remembers to close his dresser drawers, always seems to have time for golf but not to finish that project he promised he would, etc.—I replay one of the most subtle, beautiful moments I share with him. The funny thing is, he has no clue I share it with him.
We were at a homestead brunch (because we are those Tennessee farm folks) when a friend mentioned that her preteen daughter had a rough morning. She was sitting alone, acting like anything but her sweet, bubbly self. While I was talking to her mom, I noticed my husband talking with the preteen, making her smile for the first time that morning. He made it his mission to go behind the scenes to cheer up a child, and that was, without a doubt, the most handsome that man has ever been to me.
We are surrounded by so much beauty in the everyday things that can too easily get muddied by anything as petty as heavy traffic to as harrowing as a terminal diagnosis. But those harsh realities don't destroy the beauty. Nothing destroys the beauty that brings us vitality and happiness except our decision, willing or not, to ignore those things.
Beauty is a catalyst for hope, and hope has a God-given way of squashing the hum-drum exhaustion of surviving a sinful world. Notice beauty, call it what it is, and make this a daily—yes, daily—habit.
Two family members, two of the closest people to me, got into a heated, ugly argument about a year ago. Unfortunately, though apologies have been extended and forgiveness has taken her turn, their once tight-knit relationship seems forever frayed. It has shattered my heart and makes me anxious for nearly every family function. For a while, I took turns being angry at each of these family members, blaming one then the other for wrecking my world.
But one day... months after the incident... I finally realized that I can't control other adults. The only thing I can control is me and my mindset. I can choose to find enjoyment for myself and especially my son when I shift my outlook and willingly choose to not let other people's friction wear down my soul. Since letting go of the control I never had over those two adults and how they impacted me, I've allowed myself to lighten up and simply enjoy who I'm around, when I'm around them.
Now, I don't expect anything out of these two adults because I'm only expecting something of myself—to not grow so weary but simply live out the truth that only God can change hearts and lives. Not me.
If you're exhausted by the weight of life, I'm so sorry. Life wasn't meant to be this way. The Garden of Eden was made to never know healing because nothing was meant to be broken, worn, and battered. Man was made to never know ugly words, ugly fights, and ugly aftermaths because he was made with nothing but the beautiful breath of God.
It wasn't supposed to be this way, so don't beat yourself up for wanting a reckoning with the bad plot lines in your story.
But don't let your story stop with bitterness. Don't let it end with you raising a white flag for the enemy to take over the climax of your life.
Let hope have her way, beauty have her time each day, people have grace, and in it all, God will press a new, eternal vision inside your heart to bring life back to your soul one bit at a time until glory scripts The (Bold, Beautiful) End.
"You make known to me the path of life; you will fill me with joy in your presence, with eternal pleasures at your right hand." Psalm 16:11
Photo Credit: ©Aaron Amat