How many of the men in your church have a sexual addiction, such as an addiction to pornography?
The number may be higher than you think. And the addicts may not just be the guys you rarely see on Sunday mornings. Some of your most active members may have secrets they’ve never shared with you... or anyone else.
As different as these men may look and act, most of them have one thing in common: unresolved trauma. Even if a traumatic event occurred decades ago – and even if the man who went through it has forgotten all about it – the trauma can continue to affect that man’s behavior, especially his relationships with women and how he handles sexual issues and activities.
When we think of trauma and men, we tend to think of the post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) suffered by military men and first responders who have been through harrowing events. But more than half the men in a typical church have endured trauma. In many cases, the traumatic events occurred years ago, when the men were boys.
According to Greg Hasek, a licensed mental health counselor at Southwest Florida Christian Counseling, roughly one in three boys is physically abused, and one in five boys is sexually abused. The actual percentage of boys who are sexually abused may be higher, because boys consider sexual abuse to be a shameful thing and tend to underreport it.
Another experience that is traumatic for boys is witnessing domestic violence. “God wired men, and boys, to provide protection to loved ones,” says Hasek. “A boy wants to protect his mother. When he can’t, he suffers trauma.”
Conflict between parents, even when it doesn’t involve violence, can be traumatic for a boy, especially when the marriage ultimately fails. “Divorce destroys not only the marriage but also the family unit,” says David Jernander, who heads Quest Discipleship Ministries. “It can be especially traumatizing for children, because a big part of their identity is in the family.”
Divorce can be traumatic for a man, too. With U.S. women initiating seven of 10 divorces, the typical man is caught off guard when his wife announces that the marriage is over. Suddenly, a man’s trusted teammate, with whom he had a covenant bond, now is his opponent. Every aspect of his life – hopes, dreams, plans, finances, roles, relationships, mental and physical health, and even his identity – is affected. He often gets little support at church, where many conclude that his marriage failed because he didn’t love his wife well enough.
And while abortion is considered a “women’s issue,” most men whose partners have an abortion are traumatized by it. That trauma rarely is recognized or treated, and it can linger for years or decades.
A traumatic event is one that overwhelms a person psychologically in terms of his ability to cope. The victim feels tremendous fear and may feel that his life, or someone else’s, is threatened.
Such an event affects him physically, emotionally, intellectually, and spiritually. The deepest and most lasting damage, however, usually is in the emotional area, especially when the victim is young and not fully developed emotionally.
Jernander, who endured significant trauma as a young boy, regularly talks with other men about their experiences with trauma. The common denominator in their stories is emotions. “Trauma leads to struggles with a range of negative emotions such as anger, bitterness, resentment, hatred, unforgiveness, depression, anxiety, guilt, and shame,” he says.
Experts agree that boys, and many men, don’t know how to deal with the emotions that spring from trauma. Expressing how you feel about a traumatic event can be very difficult, especially if the event involved someone close to you who still is involved in your life.
Society tells males that seeking help for emotional issues is a sign of weakness. The prevailing mantras are that boys don't cry and men should be tough and self-sufficient, able to handle their problems on their own.
“Add to that the fact that our culture invalidates male trauma in general,” says Hasek. “It portrays men as perpetrators of female trauma – sexual abuse, domestic violence, abortion – and not victims of trauma themselves. Where in the do you see men portrayed as hurting versus aggressors? Men are trapped. Their trauma is not validated, and they won't seek help for it.”
When a man doesn’t find a healthy way to deal with the trauma he has experienced, his symptoms tend to come out in aggression, abuse, and addictions, according to Hasek.
Why are men especially vulnerable to future sexual addictions when they have experienced trauma? The problem often starts, Hasek explains, with an avoidance of intimacy.
A boy or man who has experienced trauma wants closeness but is afraid of it and not sure how to deal with the strong negative emotions he feels. So he looks for ways to numb or escape the negative feelings while satisfying his desire for connection.
Porn is now readily available to teens and preteens, with many boys seeing it before they reach puberty. For a boy who has gone through trauma, the combination of porn and masturbation often becomes an escape. “It becomes the ‘drug of choice’ to ‘medicate’ the effects of the trauma he has experienced,” says Hasek. “The more he does it, the more isolated he becomes, escaping into his bedroom and putting up walls to real people.”
As he matures to adulthood, a man may have no idea why he is addicted to porn or has some other sexual addiction. He doesn’t make the connection between his current addiction and his past trauma, says Hasek. “A man won’t even recognize that he’s been through trauma until he stops medicating his pain, starts feeling, and starts examining why he has these emotions.”
How can a pastor help the men of his church get on a path to healing from sexual sins and addictions that are borne from past trauma? Speaking openly from the pulpit is a good first step.
Jernander, whose own childhood trauma triggered a 33-year addiction to pornography, encourages pastors to emphasize that any addiction is a symptom of a deeper problem. Christ offers the power not only to overcome the addiction but also to heal from the wounds of the past trauma that triggered that addiction.
Addressing men’s trauma from the pulpit, adds Hasak, can start to change the culture of a church from secrecy and shame to validation and help. “We have to do church differently,” he says. “It has to change from who has the best worship music and who has the best sermons to who provides help for people who have been traumatized.”
That help often includes assistance from people and organizations outside the church. For example, to help women and men who have been traumatized by abortion, a church may consider partnering with the organization Support after Abortion, where Hasek works on the men’s task force.
Inviting a speaker such as Jernander to a church men’s group meeting can encourage men to recognize and open up about past traumas. As men begin to connect with other men who have had similar experiences, they feel less isolated and more willing to face their struggles.
Counseling is an essential element of healing for addicts, but most men are reluctant to get counseling. That’s a shame, says Hasek, because counseling not only improves mental health but also demonstrates strength. As Paul wrote in 2 Corinthians 12:9-10:
But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.
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