God can be fully trusted with our pain.
Autumn is my favorite season; however, this doesn’t mean it doesn't bring grief into my heart. My mom passed away in autumn, and when the leaves begin to change, they remind me of the final days she had on this earth. While I know she is in Heaven and is pain-free, I can’t help but grieve. I know she is with the Lord, yet I miss her terribly. That is the thing about grief—it never fully leaves us.
Grief is the natural outpouring of the love we have for someone. Whether our mom, dad, sibling, spouse, friend, or pet passes away, it can bring much grief into our hearts. We don’t need to be ashamed of our grief because it shows us how much we love those who are no longer with us. Some days will be full of sorrowful tears, yet other days will be full of happy tears.
Remembering My Mom
I have been thinking about my mom’s life a lot lately and all the things she taught me. My mom was a strong-willed woman who didn’t have time for nonsense. If she taught you something, she only taught you once. After that, you were on your own. This was true for how to turn on an oven, how to cook certain recipes, how to work the laundry machine, and so forth.
This caused me to start learning things rather quickly. You had to pay attention or you would be totally lost. At the time, I thought it was unfair that my mom did this. I knew better to ask her to teach me how to do it a second time, but I often wondered if other kids were taught the same way. Now that I’m older, I’m thankful my mom taught my sisters and me in this manner because it proved to be helpful for college and adult life.
Rather than being absent-minded, I ensured I was always paying attention when something was being taught. After all, it might not be taught again. Through my mom’s teaching style, I was able to pick up on things quickly and develop a strong work ethic. My mom wanted to ensure my sisters and I were independent and would make a difference with our lives.
To say I feel like I have failed her is an understatement. I went to college and obtained a Bachelor of Arts and a Master of Arts, but I’m not even a quarter of the person my mother was. By my age, my mom was already married, had all three of us girls, and was single-handedly providing for the family. And she never did complain. The resilience and endurance my mother displayed in her life were incredible.
She was family-focused and desired to see us flourish, even if that was at her own expense. Despite working over 12-hour workdays, she always made time to pick us up from school, help us with homework, cook dinner, do crafts with us, and be present in our lives. This changed as I got older, but when I was a kid, I treasured these times with my mom. She was always there to pick me up from school and we would walk through the park, back to her car.
Little did I know that in less than ten years my mom would be gone. Not just gone on a trip, but rather, permanently gone from this world. My mom—the woman who would stand up for me against mean teachers, scare the monsters away, and hold me when there was a thunderstorm—was gone. And she wasn’t coming back.
Reflecting on Youth
Although I was a teen when my mom passed away, the ten-year-old who used to walk back with her mom every day after school grieved like it was the end of the world. During my teen years, my relationship with my mom changed and it became complicated. However, that ten-year-old girl inside of me helps me remember all of the love, kindness, and support my mom showed me when I was younger. My mom did love me, but it took me a long time to fully understand this truth once I was older.
Due to the pain my mom was experiencing during my teen years, she would often lash out and yell at me. I fully believed she hated me until I did much soul work. After working things through with God and reflecting on my mom as a person, I finally understood she did love me. She was just in severe pain, which affected her reactions and the way she would communicate with me.
Do these traumatic memories still come into my mind? Of course, they do. I'm only human. However, I now can understand my mom better and I don't allow it to affect the way I feel about myself. My mom wouldn't want me to struggle with a negative self-view; therefore, I have been reflecting on the good memories, but not forgetting the bad memories either. Through good and bad memories, we can grow to understand a person better.
Maybe you have also lost a loved one during the fall months. Everyone is excited about the upcoming holidays, but you just want to sit in darkness and cry. I understand because I've been there, and autumn brings up the same memories for me. If you want to take time to be by yourself and cry, know that it is okay. Healing is not linear, and you can take all the time you need.
When it comes to grief, there is no timeline. Some people have it for a few months; whereas, other people have it for the rest of their lives. Whether you will have grief short-term or long-term, know that there will be better days. Maybe fall time will always be salt in the wound, but try to remember all the happy memories too. When I'm missing my mom, I'll pull out my photo album or home videos to watch.
These things help me feel as though she is still with me. Sure, it makes me sad, but I would rather be sad than try to erase the memory of my mom. Many people think the only way to heal is to talk less and less about people who have passed, but this isn't healthy. God doesn't want us to try to forget our loved ones. Instead, He wants us to remember them fondly.
Trusting God with the Pain
As we are navigating this pain, we need to give it over to God. God can be fully trusted with our pain. All the heartbreak, agony, and sadness we are experiencing can be held in the hands of God. The Bible tells us, “He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds” (Psalm 147:3).
Bring your broken heart and your wounds to God. Trust Him to give you the healing that you need. God will not take away the pain, but He will help you walk through it. God never wanted anyone to die, yet this is the result of the fall of mankind. Each time one of God's children dies on earth, He is saddened as well.
The pain that accompanies death is not what God wanted for us. He created us to live forever. However, even though we will not physically live on this present earth forever, we are looking forward to eternal life with Him. Through placing faith in the death and resurrection of the Lord, we have been given forgiveness of sins and eternal life.
In this way, we will live forever and we will see our loved ones again. Bring hope to your heart this autumn by turning to God, trusting Him with your pain, and being honest with your feelings. This is what will ultimately help you heal and find joy again.
Photo Credit: ©Unsplash/Mitchell McCleary
