... often, the antidote to hard seasons in this life is choosing love!
Random letters and rantings from a momma in mid-life figuring out how to celebrate a holiday with many, many strings attached. See if you can keep up… and maybe even relate.
Dear Me,
It’s been a day. Sobbing, or shall I say, wailing, in the car was involved. It was embarrassing. It was ugly. The full-blown blubbering mess in me came out in brutal force. This season of life is hard. Looking back, I had no idea. Truth be told, each season of motherhood is hard, but the hardest season is always the one you are currently in. That means this midlife mom gig is downright grueling! Funny thing is, I remember looking forward to these days. The days I thought would come with a little more freedom. The days I thought would allow me to get just a little bit of my life back. Ha! Silly me!
Now my babies have grown into fiery teens that fight over hairbrushes and personal space (okay, to be fair, they pretty much argue over everything). And then there is my eight-year-old who is currently living out her best life, feeling all of eighteen. Ugh!
At this very moment, that little darling is with me, home sick, while another one is blowing up my phone with texts about unfolding drama at school. I don’t have time (or energy) to filter through all of that right now. Hence my meltdown earlier, I am exhausted. Oh, and the hubby mentioned this morning that he’s ready for another budget talk because it’s been a week of ferocious spending! It’s me; I am to blame. Amazon had a sale on yoga pants. I bought them for myself, but I know where they will ultimately end up! Grr!
So, here I am writing to myself wondering how in the world I got here. Is this it? Is this what mid-life is meant to look like? Maybe this is why it is not so lovingly called a mid-life crisis. Hmm.
Then Psalms 46:1 glares at me from my kitchen windowsill where my daily affirmations sit. Oh, God, You are simply the best! Thanks for reminding my momma heart that You are my refuge and strength. I sure do need more of You right about now!
Love, Me
Moments Later…
Dear Me,
So, don’t freak out, but Valentine’s is coming up! And, yes, with it comes grabbing all the extra boxes of cards, because last year was a big-time mom fail. Argh! Then there are the snacks for all the parties (don’t forget the teen dance-off party for church) and blocking out time to volunteer and bake cookies. The girls like the ones with jam—just don’t burn them this time!
Oh, and the little one has already requested those cute chocolate marshmallow skewers. Sweet girl thinks I make them... ha! Should I tell her the truth? Um, nope! Don’t want to ruin the momma magic she still thinks I possess.
Then there is the mighty middle daughter begging me to bake a chocolate molten cake. Really? Who do these people think I am? Now I am told that my oldest may be working that day but has also mentioned she wants her two best friends to come over to eat dinner with us as well. Not really sure how that is going to happen, but okay.
I secretly hope other family members or friends don’t want to do anything because I am already tapped out! Valentine’s Day needs to be over already!
Just being honest, Me
A few more moments later…
Okay, so maybe I don’t want it to be over just yet. But, why does this “love” holiday have to come with such a heavy burden, especially for us moms? I mean I am still recovering from the aftermath of hosting Christmas. Can’t I just send a few texts to family and friends declaring my love for them with pretty memes and call it a day? After all, that generally works well with my teenagers.
A day or two later…
Hi Me,
Despicable Me is blaring in the background, so I hope to have a coherent thought, but I simply must address the elephant in the room. The information is already flooding in, and several Sign-Up Geniuses are demanding my name be jotted down stating I will not forget the red plates, pink icing, or sugar cookies for all the parties.
That said, everyone needs me to help them celebrate. I must get the cards, the treats, make dinner, bake yummy desserts (hopefully Google has an easy recipe for chocolate molten cake?), host events, and volunteer. Smile. Enjoy! Geesh.
Okay, I’m done. Can we just boycott this holiday?
Respectfully, A Very Annoyed, Tired, and Flustered Me
A few more days later. Valentine’s is drawing near…
Dear Me,
Snap out of it! Stop it! Right now! I mean it! Yes, there is a high likelihood (okay, full-on certainty) that several Valentine’s gatherings are going to take place, some of which I will be asked to help or host. Yes, it will probably be chaotic and a bit crazy! Yes, it will be loud, and the house will be filled with kids and teens. Yes, I may burn cookies, forget cards, and grow frustrated. But, this is life. This is midlife with a family that is built on imperfect love. Yet, it is also all done with a family in which I simply adore, flaws and all.
There is still time. Time to show those I deeply care about how much I love them. While my patience and kindness get tested every single day, especially with teens who make choices that break my ever-loving heart, Valentine’s offers a place to put everything aside and simply choose love, no matter what!
When I think back on all the seasons in life when I was alone or walking into this holiday with the heavy weight of grief, I am quickly reminded that nothing is certain in this life and that it really does go by in an instant. The song, "Don’t Blink," comes to mind.
Sure, these past few years haven’t been easy. Some moments have been downright brutal even, but I must really try to put the past aside and relish in the present as Matthew 6:34 tells us. Because often, the antidote to hard seasons in this life is choosing love!
Sincerely, Me
Final note to self…
Hey Me,
So, I may be in a place in my life that is consumed with my children, making it all about them, but I do believe there is still a sweet place that can allow me to celebrate. Ahem! Yes, I deserve Valentine’s too!
Let me say that again for the inner parts of me that tend to forget that there are parts of me that are lovable. Yes, I deserve to celebrate the holiday of love!
Sure, it has been a minute since I have given myself a bit of self-care, so maybe I will start there. An extended soak in the tub or escaping (rather retreating) to my bedroom to read that self-help book should do the trick. Yep, sounds blissful. And there will be no guilty strings attached. I promise! (wink, wink)
However, I also mustn’t fail to take notice of the precious man in my life who came alongside me, making this life and season possible. After all, he is the one who helped to create this crazy little life of ours. Sure, it isn’t perfect, but neither of us is perfect. Yes, he drives me mad at times, but I couldn’t picture doing this life with anyone else. And in all honesty, I am not sure anyone else could put up with me. So, I would venture to say he requires some attention too!
So, it’s okay to feel all the feels, while clumsily embracing this season for what it is. Just remember what Mom always said: this season does have beauty, sometimes you just have to really look hard to see it!
And with that, I choose to see the beauty wrapped in so much love this Valentine’s Day and celebrate it all!
Cordially, Me
Photo Credit: GettyImages/fizkes
