By preparing your heart to acknowledge that discord could happen, you grant yourself permission to let go of the fear, giving it all to God, allowing Him to help you show grace, humility, and peace (Matthew 5:9).
Tis the season for family gatherings, yummy dishes, breathtaking sights with all things that twinkle, and…obnoxious comments from Cousin Eddie (yep, every family has one) that quickly escalate, ensuing bickering, tension, and mass pandemonium. Well, that really puts a damper on things, doesn't it?
All that aside, it remains the most wonderful time of year, a time when families travel millions of miles and friends who hold controversial political views still gather to break bread, give thanks, and celebrate—even if it is with an overcooked turkey, undercooked ham, and questionable green Jello.
Maybe the thought of joining together with family fills your heart with as much joy as it should, but, for some, this season whispers a sense of dread, especially for the one who will have to play nice and exchange platitudes just to diffuse the heat and keep everyone civil.
If this is you, maybe you are wondering how in the world you will rein it all in and maintain peace when the holidays “not so cheerfully” clash with family drama and politics. Well, my friend, don't worry! This holiday you’re going to have a game plan. The best part is that it’s got tidings of comfort and joy wrapped all over it!
Prepare Your Heart Now
Before we even usher in the holidays, we can begin by posturing our hearts right now in prayer and going to God with our worries (Philippians 4:6-7). What is it that you are most concerned about? Are there certain topics or is there a particular family member who loudly speaks their mind? Are you concerned about your children and what they could be in earshot of? Do you fear inappropriate or brazen discussions?
These are all valid concerns. Honestly, it’s been a lot between a tense election, multiple wars overseas, and natural disasters that have pummeled our homeland. Our hearts collectively break as a nation. So, in saying that, we must realize as we come together as a family that some topics are naturally going to come up as we all carry this heavy burden.
By preparing your heart to acknowledge that discord could happen, you grant yourself permission to let go of the fear, giving it all to God, allowing Him to help you show grace, humility, and peace (Matthew 5:9). In doing this, you are more easily able to experience the joy of the season and relish in the time spent with family and friends.
Listen with Compassion
We all want to be heard and long for understanding, but have you noticed how we have slowly started losing the art of attentive listening? Think about the last conversation you shared with someone. Did you feel heard? Or better yet, did you listen to them with your full attention?
James 1:19 offers us wise instruction as it points out that we must be quick to listen and slow to speak. When we join our family and friends this holiday season, we must try to be aware of our body language, reactions, and quick-witted responses, as those generally cause a bit of a flare-up and can easily lead to arguments.
The truth of the matter is that we must remember we are family first, whether we agree or not, but compassion is never forgotten. In other words, our response to others and our loving gestures will really be what sticks with them. So, let’s put our differences and pride aside, try to truly understand where others may be coming from, and really lean in and listen, maybe even with a gentle and sincere smile.
Stay Calm and Show Self-Control
On the heels of attentive listening, we must be able to stay calm and show self-control (2 Timothy 1:7), especially if the conversation takes a bitter turn. Just remember that debates are natural, and while we may hold different opinions on certain topics, we can still aim to stay calm, cool, and collected to honor our loved ones. Basically, love should be our ultimate goal!
Truthfully, conflict doesn’t have to be the enemy. While the enemy would love to use it to divide and bring ruin to families, when we remain calm, we can use our differences of opinion to grow and gain a better understanding of each other’s perspective.
While each family has its own unique dynamic and some bring a bit more heat and hostility, remember you don’t have to always justify your stance on every issue; sometimes it’s better to leave it alone. And yes, silence is golden at that point. However, if you know a certain issue is going to be raised and there is no way of getting around it, start by laying out healthy boundaries such as not discussing politics around children or respectfully agreeing to disagree.
Equip Yourself with Thoughtful Responses
Sometimes we get pulled into a discussion that demands a response. And, unfortunately, in haste, we can either say something we wish we could take back or stay quiet on an issue because we are either caught off guard or emotionally charged and rendered speechless. This usually ends in sleepless nights where you replay that scenario over and over in your head and beat yourself up over the outcome.
Friend, there is no need to fret, because we can equip ourselves with thoughtful and meaningful responses that won’t attract bitterness or regret, and make room for good (yes, good) healthy conflict. Keep in mind, you are speaking to loved ones that may hold various beliefs, carry different customs, or may practice another faith, so this is your chance to show them God’s love! Whether you are at their home or you are hosting in your own humble abode, use this opportunity to really focus on the season that welcomes comfort, joy, and peace.
Here are a few thoughtful responses that can be applied to practically any political discussion, taking into consideration the delicate balance of validating one’s opinions while not sacrificing our own, all trying to find a middle ground.
This issue is important to you. It’s important to me as well. We may not agree on everything, but I understand how you feel about…
We don’t have to agree, but what is the heart of the issue here?
There are a few reasons I respectfully disagree with you on this issue; however, I am interested in getting your thoughts on…can you share that with me?
I honestly don’t feel comfortable discussing this further, can we talk about something different? Then quickly ask about one of their favorite childhood memories or what their kids want Christmas to change the subject.
Take Time to Reflect on Your Own Views
Sure, awkward conflicts may disrupt peace (for a moment), but they can also be a blessing in disguise. May these tense conversations cause us to pause, ponder, and reflect on our viewpoints and check the status of our own hearts. While our natural tendencies are to fight or flee certain topics, God could be using them to get you to come clean before Him, prompting confession, and creating room for repentance, forgiveness, and grace.
The concerns wrapped in conflict may be at the forefront of our minds, but we can’t let them steal our joy. Better yet, we mustn’t solely fixate on the disagreements or the aftermath of consequences and fail to tune in to the tugging on our hearts led by the Holy Spirit.
As you welcome friends and family this holiday season, start with some inner reflection. Is there a view or stance that makes you harbor resentment or even anger? Do you grow anxious about a certain topic so much that it leads you further away from God than closer to Him? Seek His wisdom and discernment and gain insight before you meet with family.
Let’s allow this holiday season to bring us together in tidings of good cheer! Remember that one day you will account for every action, word, and deed at the Judgement Seat of Jesus Christ. So, make your actions be done in peace, your words be of comfort, and your deeds be done in joy and love!
Related Resource: A Prayer for Gathering When Relational Tension is High
I recently called one of my siblings to ask about holiday gathering plans. I wanted to know if he’d be okay with having the Thanksgiving meal at our house this year. The conversation was going great until we began to go over the guest list. - Ashley Moore
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