How to Use Valentine’s Day to Heal Your Broken Heart

I’m not suggesting observing the day by donning your lacy dress or dining alone at a bistro (unless you want to). The point is to accept that you’re hurting on this Valentine’s Day. Rejecting reminders about this day or pretending February 14 wasn't associated with anything will only backfire, because ignoring important issues never produces permanent peace. Research indicates avoiding uncomfortable feelings now creates more anxiety later.

But please don’t mistake this step as a license to heighten your heartache. For instance, if you’ve just survived a separation, do you really need to stalk your ex’s Insta account? I know—a part of you is curious about what he’s been up to or whether he’s scrubbed all references to you. But if satisfying your curiosity means inflaming your pain, is it worth it?

It’s hard to imagine that healing will happen by being a glutton for punishment, like when you scroll through image after image of his preening self. 

2. Swap Criticism for Compassion

Valentine’s Day is dedicated to celebrate romantic love. So, let’s use this day to review your relationships. This works whether you’ve never been married and this day taunts you with what you’ve never tasted, or if you’ve enjoyed the pleasure of companionship, but it fizzled. 

Criticism doesn’t catalyze healing. So, let’s review your relationship history with compassion. 

Let’s acknowledge:

The truth. If you hate that you’re lonely, say so. If you wish things could’ve turned out differently with your ex, own it. There’s no sense denying what’s true because truth is an alias for Jesus (John 14:6). That’s why truth always finds a way to make itself known.

The good. Even unhealthy relationships can contain threads of positivity. To whatever extent your past flames forged memorable moments, feel free to welcome them. Deplorable memories don’t have the right to erase the sincerely enjoyable ones.

Your inner critic. It’s your own fault for marrying an alcoholic!, Why are you still single? There must be something wrong with you! If versions of these statements have cornered you before, there might be a part of your personality that’s bent on blaming yourself. That’s the bad news. The good news is sometimes inner critics relent once we inform them that their harshness hurts. As you break this news to your personal critic, let it also know that multiple factors contributed to your relationship history—more than what self-blame can account for.

Did you realize that in your heartbreak, the Bible specifies you as someone the Lord pays special attention to? According to Psalm 34:18, “The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit” (NIV). My experience confirms this verse’s veracity. The Lord seems poised to answer me more clearly and quickly when I crawl into His presence with an anguished heart. 

Your current condition primes you for this same intimacy.

If you draw a blank on where to start with the Lord, you can ask Him to:

Heal your broken heart.

How will you know when your heart is healed?

Paul demonstrates the answer. In 2 Corinthians 11:23-29, the renowned apostle listed how he had been beaten with rods three times, stoned once, flogged five times, and shipwrecked three times. That’s 12 separate traumatizing incidents with only a handful—like the shipwrecks—happening unintentionally. The rest were engineered and enforced by human actors. 

Let’s weigh the emotional burden of Paul’s ordeal. This godly saint might’ve devoted his life to God’s cause, but he was also a person like you and me. Being whipped for 39 times in one sitting (2 Corinthians 11:24) can turn anyone resentful, godly or not. Imagine the emotional load Paul had to bear to endure all 12 brutal episodes! Yet, he didn’t reek with bitterness or vengefulness. The Corinthians passage above projects a matter-of-fact tone—as though Paul was only reciting historical facts about what had transpired. If he harbored negativity against his tormentors, the Lord must’ve healed him.

Similarly, when you’re healed, you may remember the stories behind what broke your heart—without any strong feelings attached to them.

Photo Credit: ©GettyImages/fizkes

Help you love yourself.

Inherent in this petition is a request for God to teach you how to better guard your heart (Proverbs 4:23). If you entertain a desire to marry someone someday, ask the Lord to open the eyes of your understanding (Ephesians 1:18) when the next guy comes around. That way, you’ll know whether to kindly friendzone him or consider him for something deeper and more meaningful. 

Ask God to overflow your heart with His love. He sees every unlikeable element—like that harsh inner critic we met before—and He loves us anyway. He can help you love that which you detest. 

Handle the future for you.

During my youth group days, a handful of us singles would routinely socialize together, including a Chinese American man who aspired to become a missionary. Because he and I were both Christian and Asian, an irrational fear insisted that the Lord would marry us off to each other—despite the missing attraction from both sides.

Guess what? He went on to court a woman who was Christian, missionary minded, and spoke Chinese. Just like him. 

Witnessing their wedding engraved my heart with a couple of valuable life lessons:

First, leave it to the master Matchmaker to lead into holy matrimony two compatible singles with eyes only for God and each other.  

The second? God’s design for you will delight you.

You can ask the Lord to guide you on how to pray for your future while safely trusting Him to work out the details.

Years ago, Shannon* called my office after discovering the affair her husband had committed. The single mom of two youngsters and savvy small business owner confided that if it weren’t for his massive betrayal, she would have never considered psychotherapy. But here’s the interesting tidbit: Shannon chose to remain in therapy after her broken heart recovered. This extra time gained her a host of benefits, allowing other wounds from her past to heal. For instance, she learned to esteem her emotional needs and celebrate her strengths. When she eventually reentered the dating world, Shannon learned to slow down enough to discern her dates’ true colors. She also stopped catering to their needs all the time, neglecting her own. Instead, Shannon learned to vocalize what she needed and wanted from them as well. 

But that’s not all Shannon gained from remaining in psychotherapy. After settling her relationship issues surrounding her ex-husband, Shannon pursued resolution for her childhood wounds.

You, too, can initiate therapy for adult-sized aches and finish with more healing than expected. You, too, can solicit healing from places you never imagined. 

What if you were to ignore the stigma that Christians who seek therapy are not praying enough, reading their Bible enough, seeking God with a righteous heart? What if you were to pray about finding your own therapist? 

Regardless of what happens next, I pray the Lord will heal your broken heart (Psalm 147:3) as you face Valentine’s Day and beyond. 

*All identifying details have been changed.

Photo Credit: ©iStock/Getty Images Plus/Antonio_Diaz