As Christians, we often forget the differences between healing and reconciliation, especially when dealing with a narcissistic family member. This presents a particular problem during the fall and winter holiday seasons—particularly Thanksgiving and Christmas when families get together.
Narcissists—especially clinical narcissists diagnosed with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD)—often thrive off exploiting weaknesses. Yes, they need our prayers. But they could also use our distance, so they cannot have more fuel for their fire.
In today’s article, we’ll explore what the Bible says about narcissism, what it is exactly (what to look for), and how to deal with it within the family unit.
The term “narcissist” unfortunately gets overused these days. We tend to attribute the term to anyone who happens to treat us unfairly or acts selfishly.
We do have to consider the difference between narcissistic tendencies and clinically diagnosed NPD.
We may deal with a family member who shows tendencies but not the clinical version of narcissism.
And as many of us are not clinicians, we cannot properly diagnose a family member. This can make this a harder task, as many people with NPD typically refuse to get diagnosed—and I say this after consulting a family member who is a counselor. She often says that the narcissist’s victims will go to therapy, not the perpetrators.
In addition to suggesting you read Chuck DeGroat’s excellent book When Narcissism Comes to Church; here are some psychological signs someone may lean toward NPD (or at least show NPD tendencies).
A Narcissist Needs to Be the Center of Attention
Those with NPD tend to have a very high view of themselves. They may often see themselves as the “main character” in the narrative and everyone else as supporting roles.
They often see their achievements as grand and expect things to be handed to them—even if they didn’t earn said privileges. They want others to see themselves in the same way they perceive themselves. And if you don’t, hoo-boy, they will ensure you face the consequences.
In their minds, they can do no wrong. In a situation where they were at fault, they will have a million excuses for why they were right, and you were the one to blame. They tend to have easily bruised egos, often rooted in childhood trauma. They have a very hard time getting rejected.
And they will often turn fiery if you criticize them.
A Narcissist Exploits Weaknesses
They will analyze you and know what makes you tick. They have their ammo loaded with all your past mistakes, all the things you feel insecure about—and the moment you criticize them, they will turn the conversation onto you.
In addition to a high view of themselves, those with NPD tend to have a very set idea of who they are. If you are someone they romantically love, they will inflate their idea of you in their minds.
If you don’t meet their expectations, they will react. They will try to steer you back to the image they had of you, and this often happens through putting you down or highlighting your flaws.
Sometimes, those with NPD don’t even realize they do this, but often, they are master manipulators.
A Narcissist Displays a Lack of Empathy
Those with NPD tend to lack empathy. They cannot place themselves into the shoes of others, and when they have wounded someone, they will not feel guilt for doing so.
This proves especially difficult because those with NPD tend to latch onto people with great empathy. People with compassionate, servant-led hearts. Because in the mind of someone with NPD, this person is easy to manipulate, drain, take advantage of, and criticize when they’ve reduced this person to a husk of their former self.
We could go on about the symptoms of NPD. Entire books have covered the subject. But for the sake of time, let’s explore the next question. Does the Bible have anything to say about this?
NPD is a psychological condition, with the term developed by modern mental health experts. Consequently, people didn’t have this particular word for the behavior in biblical times.
We could certainly point out several people in the Bible who lacked empathy, had a sense of high importance, and exploited others for their gain. Still, we don’t have any verses that say, “King Ahab clearly had diagnosable NPD.”
So, does the Bible have any verses about narcissistic behavior that we can look to?
In truth, plenty of Scriptures talk about the symptoms listed above.
-We see plenty of verses about arrogant people (Proverbs 8:13).
-About how God hates when people exploit others for gain (Proverbs 22:16).
-About how God hates pride (Proverbs 16:5).
-About how those who hate correction fall into folly (Proverbs 12:1).
The Bible clarifies that Christians shouldn’t hang around someone with these traits for extended periods. After all, bad company corrupts good character. So, how do we handle the situation when a family member has NPD?
After all, we can’t always extricate ourselves completely from the situation—especially if we live with or are married to them.
So, how do we biblically deal with narcissistic family members?
This will differ based on the nature of your relationship. If you see this family member once a year during the holidays, you will have a different way of tackling the issue than if you live with that family member.
To get personal, I do have some family members who I would say fall under the category of diagnosable NPD. I will leave it at that because I fear one will find this article and use it as ammo against me.
If you see a family member displaying traits like this, pray for their heart and mind. I have seen a world of difference in one when I handed this family member over to God and set some firm boundaries. Speaking of…
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Narcissists hate boundaries. Boundaries force them to be in a position where they cannot take advantage of you or exploit you. So it will take some time to make this work. You may need others’ help—for example, if you know the narcissistic family member likes to exploit you at holiday meetings, talk with your spouse or a family member you trust about good strategies.
Be prepared for the family member to mow down any barriers you have set up and repeatedly cross lines when you have let your guard down. They may throw a tantrum about the boundaries you establish but don’t be deterred. Preserve your mental health as well as your spiritual health.
Related: 5 Boundaries to Put in Place Before Holiday Gatherings
You will have a very hard time getting a narcissistic family member into therapy. Even if they don’t think you want to diagnose them with NPD, they will hate the idea of couples therapy or family therapy.
At the very least, head to a therapist for your own needs. They will give you the tools to establish those boundaries and help you realize that “no, you aren’t crazy.”
Narcissists love to gaslight and make you question reality until you bow down to their wants and needs.
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If you’ve married a narcissist, you cannot do this.
But if you have a family member you see maybe once a week or less, limit your time. For example, you may choose only to see them during the holidays.
Depending on your family situation, you may be able to talk with other family members about the narcissistic behavior and limit the family member from attending holiday functions. Since family holiday time is precious, establishing this boundary is tough. Frequently, you can only keep the narcissistic family out of family functions if:
-You are the one hosting (and therefore have control over who enters your house)
-Other family members have seen the tantrums or controlling behavior
-You find a clear way to communicate that boundaries matter for the whole family (narcissistic family members harm the whole family system)
-Other family members see you as a trustworthy person (someone who wouldn’t call a family member narcissistic for selfish reasons)
If you have no means to keep the narcissistic family member from attending a family function, you have other options. For example, you may decide not to attend regular family functions that the narcissistic family member hosts. You may decide you won’t attend family holiday events if the family meets at the narcissistic family member’s house.
When you have to see the narcissistic family member—at the holidays or other family events—limit the ammo you give them.
Mind the words you feed them and the information they seek from you.
A narcissist tends to cling to one person. Someone that they use, and when they have no more use for them, they seek to wound them. Extricate yourself as much as possible from the situation so they have no more ammo to steal from you.
I know this often seems easier said than done. When you hang out with this family member, bring another family member with you. So you have someone to ground you in reality and defend you when they attack you.
I deeply know the difficulties of handling a narcissist, and I pray for you as you handle this.
Especially since people with NDP are rarely repentant, relationships often don’t experience true healing. You may forgive them (letting go of the anger) but never reconcile (completely trusting) with them.
Pray for their hearts that they may experience life-changing transformation through Jesus, and mind your heart and head. Your health matters.
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Hope Bolinger is an acquisitions editor at End Game Press, book editor for hire, and the author of almost 30 books. More than 1500 of her works have been featured in various publications. Check out her books at hopebolinger.com for clean books in most genres, great for adults and kids. Check out her editing profile at Reedsy.com to find out about hiring her for your next book project.
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