Most of us want people to like us. That isn’t a bad thing, yet if the cost is fear, insecurity, or excessive stress, we may need to reevaluate our relationships. Awareness of the 10 types of personalities we don’t need in our life is the place to begin. If we don’t know what to watch for we are unable to discern unhealthy interactions. When we learn what to avoid we can proceed with wisdom. Healthy relationships help us to thrive. Unhealthy ones move us into survival mode.
Let’s discern difficult behavioral patterns in others and in ourselves to move from surviving to thriving. Identifying these 10 behaviors will help us avoid doing them ourselves and will cause us to draw healthy boundary lines in relationship with others. These 10 types of personalities are common. From time to time, we may be guilty of exhibiting them ourselves. They are not necessarily other people’s issues. Determine if any of these 10 types describe you, or people close to you.
We cannot change others. We can only change ourselves, our response, and the amount of time and energy we choose to spend on people who exhibit these qualities.
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1. The Energy Guzzler
After speaking with this person you feel exhausted, as if he has just sucked the life right out of you. He is highly demanding, easily disappointed, and rarely satisfied. His communication style is domineering. He loves to debate, values winning over the relationship, and scoffs at ideas that conflict with his own. This person puts high demands on your time and attention. Prior to being in this individual’s presence, a person may feel anxiety or tension. You can choose not participate in the debate and not react to the demands.
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2. The Climber
This person finds value when he is at the top of the heap. He assesses where people stand on the socio-economic and educational scale. He seeks to be the best, the brightest, and most successful person in the room. He gleans the information he needs through a series of ever more intense and personal questions. A conversation with this person feels more like an interrogation. It may be good to turn the tide and ask, “Why do you want to know?”
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3. The Circus Wheel
Major moods swings are the hallmark of this person. One minute life is fun and then without warning, the Circus Wheel spins the opposite way, leaving the other person dizzy and confused, wondering, “What just happened here?” This person’s secret weapon is the surprise attack where he uses another’s personal concerns or struggles against him. Make a note to self, ”Don’t disclose personal information to this person, it could come back to bite me.” Don’t allow this person’s emotional ups and downs to control your mood.
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4. The Intimidator
Bad emotions are her weapon. Tantrum throwing, foot stomping, door slamming. All exaggerated antics used to regain control when a relationship or argument isn’t going her way. She loves conditionally and withholds affection and emotion unless the conditions are met. The unpredictability of this person’s emotional outbursts creates a walking on eggshells environment and increases insecurity in the recipient. Maintain control of your own emotions. Say, “Let’s table this until you are able to talk rationally.” Then disengage.
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5. The People-Pitter
This person attempts to control other relationships by pitting people against each other. Subtlety is her secret weapon. She is proficient in dividing people with seemingly innocuous statements in order to maintain influence, power, and control over all relationships. Offhandedly she may say, “I think she might be bi-polar…” She may also whisper confidential information shared by one to another. She spurns mistrust among others by spinning things in a negative way while making herself look as if she is the only one who can be trusted. She may even say, “You are MY favorite…” Being around this person initially makes one feel special. But over time, this person demands sole loyalty and one discovers other valued friendships drop away.
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6. The Ambulance Chaser
This person runs toward the train wreck. Attention is what this individual craves and he gets it by being close to another’s personal drama. He wants to be the go-to person who dispenses the crisis information. He is motivated by attention rather than true concern for the person affected by the crisis. Whoever has the biggest struggle is the one who wins the affection and attention from this person. Once the crisis has subsided, another person in need will take your place.
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7. The Rock Thrower
A finger pointing, rock throwing Pharisee. Self-righteousness and pride are the indicators of a rock thrower. This person is a blamer and shamer. He loves to say, “You should have… I told you so… It’s your fault... Let me do it. You’ll just mess it up…” Being with this person too much will result in a person’s self-esteem being negatively affected.
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8. The Cheshire Cat
That smile. That titled head. Those wide eyes. No this person isn’t truly concerned. He is seeking information for personal gain or power. He will use it to further his own agenda or for some good gossip content. He is related to the Ambulance Chaser but dispenses information more like the People-Pitter. His goal isn’t for attention, it is power.
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9. The Hero
Adoration is the fuel the hero needs to live. He is typically very charismatic and unable to share the limelight. He needs to be viewed as perfectly amazing. He loves to save the day. He is only interested in how his heroic actions make him look. Correction and criticism cannot be tolerated because that would burst his personal narrative of perfection. If this person allows you into his sphere, you must bask in his glory and continue to feed his need to be the savior.
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10. The Victim
The victim is an exaggerated Eeyore. Nothing is right. Everything is wrong. The glass is always half empty. Whining is alive and well in this person’s conversation. Blaming others, making excuses, and not taking personal responsibility are the best indicators of a person being the victim. This person will never be able to apologize for anything because nothing is her fault. She person loves a fight. She uses her victim position to rally people around her to care for her and protect her.
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Prayer
Father, Give me clear eyes to see these harmful traits. Help me to remember that hurting people hurt people. Grant me the wisdom to implement appropriate and necessary boundaries. I want to avoid blaming and shaming others. Give me the capacity to treat others with respect. Teach me positive conflict resolution skills. I desire to be kind even when I disagree. I want to be more like Jesus and less like me.
“When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me.” (1 Corinthians 13:11)
Lori Wildenberg, licensed parent and family educator, co-founder of 1st Corinthians 13 Parenting, and a national speaker. Her newest book, Messy Journey: How Grace and Truth Offer the Prodigal a Way Home has just been published. Contact Lori to schedule her for a seminar, retreat, or speaking event. Go to www.loriwildenberg.blogspot.com to subscribe to her Eternal Moments blog.
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Originally published Wednesday, 30 January 2019.
