Just like children, adults need their space. Simply because your children are adults now doesn't mean they don't need space. I grew up the youngest of three girls, and my own space is something I never had the privilege of owning. Everything was shared and elbows were always being prodded into your stomach. I would have appreciated my own space back then, and as an adult, I still appreciate my space.
For parents, it can be hard to understand that your adult children need their own space. Many parents believe it is okay to invade their adult children's lives and cross boundaries in their personal space. None of these things are okay because your adult children need space.
Here are six signs you should give your adult children space:
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1. They Are Irritable
One sign you should give your adult children space is if they are irritable. If you have noticed your adult child is short-tempered, high-strung, or gets irritated by the littlest of things, it might be best to give them some space. Parents often helicopter over their children, and this can cause them to feel restricted, especially when they are independent adults. Rather than being a helicopter parent, give your adult child some space. It doesn't mean your child is upset with you because they want some space; it just means they need some time alone like anyone else.
Parents want to help, yet sometimes this "help" can be more of an issue or problem. While it is honorable to try to help your children or check on them often, sometimes they just need some space from their parents. Yet again, it doesn't mean they are upset with you. It just means they need some space from you and some time to work on their own issues. Parents and adult children have unique relationships with each other, and they should be aware of one another's boundaries.
If your adult child is irritable, it is probably because something is going on in their life. You can try to talk with them about it after you give them space, or you could wait for them to bring it up. It is best not to push the issue, especially when they are already in need of space. Respect their space and choose to treat them kindly. Yes, they are your child, but they deserve to be treated with respect as an adult. This means you cannot treat them like a little kid because they are an adult.
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2. They Are Tired
A second sign that your adult children need space is that they are tired. As a parent yourself, you know how hard it can be to live on your own, raise little ones, and go to work every day. This alone can make life extremely tiring. If your adult child has recently had a baby or went through a job change, give them some space because they are probably tired.
It is unrealistic to believe that your adult children are always going to be available to talk or share important things about their lives. Give them some space and once they are not as tired, they should be open to talking more. Having a parent always come in and ask questions or try to find something wrong with their life is exhausting. Be supportive of your adult children and mindful of their time.
We all get tired sometimes, and this can cause us to get cranky. Give your adult children some space and allow them to have some peace. Your children love you, but they also need their space. You can show them you love them by respecting their space and allowing them to have time to rest and rejuvenate. They are adults and they can manage.
Now, this doesn't mean you don't offer to help watch the kids or bring a meal by but be willing to recognize when your best way to help is simply stepping aside and allowing them some much-needed solace.
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3. They Are Overwhelmed
A third sign your adult children need space is if they are feeling overwhelmed. Once again, if your adult child has recently had a baby, moved, or is working at a new job, they might not be ready for you to come over every Sunday or to have a phone call every evening. If they are feeling super overwhelmed, they need time to themselves and time to work on what they need to get done.
If you find your adult children seem overwhelmed, tell them that it is okay for them to have some space and to take the time they need. Adults go through major life changes, and as a parent, your job is to help them on this journey. Part of this journey will mean giving them space and giving them grace. Just as you messed up many times in your adult years, they will mess up too. In the same way that you learned from your mistakes, they will also learn. But they need the space to do o in these overwhelming seasons.
All of these lessons can be overwhelming and draining to your children. They will probably need some time alone and time to recover. You are being a great parent by respecting this need and giving them space. It doesn't mean they will need space forever, but it does mean that they need space in the here and now.
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4. They Feel Pressured
A fourth sign your adult children need some space is if they are feeling pressured. I have had many of my friends tell me that their parents make them feel pressured. They feel pressured in the sense that they feel their parents want them to be more successful in life, to already be married, or to already own an impressive home. If you are setting these unrealistic standards for your children, you need to do some self-reflection.
Never make your adult children feel pressured to do anything. It is their life, and they can choose to live their life the way they choose. As parents, you hope they choose a good path; however, don't expect your children to be ridiculously wealthy or to be the head of their own company. When you pressure your kids in this way, they might slowly back away or start needing time or space.
If you have found yourself causing your children to feel pressured, give them some space. If you want, you could even ask them if they need or want some space for a little bit. They will appreciate your concern and let you know when it is good to offer hands-on support or advice. This might even help you build a better connection with your adult children because you are being respectful of them and their lives.
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5. They Are Grieving
A fifth sign that your adult children need space is if they are going through grief. Maybe your adult child just lost their spouse or a close friend. It is normal in the grief process for your child to back away and spend more time by themselves. Grief looks different for everyone and there is no timeline for grief. For everyone, the process can be different. Your child might need extra time, especially if it was their spouse or someone else who meant a great deal to them.
If your adult child lost someone close to them, it is only natural that you would want to be there for them, and you can be while at the same time giving them space. Instead of bombarding them with messages and calls, leave them a care package or send them a card expressing your condolences. This will help them feel loved and cared for even during their time of grief.
Those who are going through periods of grief need time alone and space in order to heal. In time, they will begin opening up to you, especially since you are their parent. Be supportive of them during this time, and don't push boundaries too far. Your child has lost someone close to them, and you might not be able to fully relate to what they are feeling. When they choose to reach out to you, be compassionate and open to listening.
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6. They Are Distancing Themselves
A sixth sign your adult children need space is if they are distancing themselves. If your adult children are doing this, it is probably because they have already tried to ask you for space, but you didn't pick up on the social cue. Since you didn't pick up on their message that they needed space, they have decided to take matters into their own hands and have chosen to distance themselves. Yet again, this doesn't mean your adult children are upset with you. It just means they need some space. As independent, grown adults, they need room to stand on their own two feet.
Through distancing themselves, they are able to provide themselves with the space they need to navigate their lives. It could be they are going through something and need some time away from everyone. They could be healing from something or experiencing heartbreak. Give them some time and respect their personal space. Since they are the ones who started distancing themselves, wait for them to reach out to you.
They will reach back out when they are comfortable and ready to talk. If you are ever concerned for their safety, that is one thing. However, you can also show them that you are respectful of their space by apologizing if you failed to see them communicating their need to have some space. They will appreciate your honesty and they might be more open to telling you directly when they need space in the future.
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Originally published Tuesday, 08 August 2023.
