My son came home from college for the summer. I'm surprised he was even coming home because he has his own place to live near his school. I was happy to have him home and wanted to spend time with him. When he got a call to start a job earlier than expected and had to leave, it made saying goodbye much harder. Because I had adjusted to having him home, the goodbye was sadder because I had to be apart from him all over again.
Goodbyes are never easy, even when you know they're coming. I've known all summer that there would come a day when I'd say goodbye to him and wouldn't see him for several months. This time was less difficult; it was easier than last year when he moved into his apartment to start his first year at college.
This goodbye was easier because I could prepare for it a little better. I planned in my head as to what I would do to help transition from having him home to having him gone.
Goodbyes can get a little easier. Here's how:
Instead of burying myself in my work like usual, I took a couple of days off after he left. With no children in the house this week, it was the ideal opportunity to take time for me. This would help me process my emotions of loss and grief and allow me to focus on the good times I had with him. I took some time to relax in a spa, took my mornings slow, and went to a few places I enjoyed.
Focusing on the things I wanted rather than solely on the pain of missing him helped ease the transition. Waiting for him to leave was like ripping a Band-Aid off a fresh wound. I just wanted it to be over with so I could move on to adjusting to being alone. When he left that afternoon, I could journal my feelings as prayers to Christ in tears and process through having another empty room in my home.
Focusing on things I enjoyed made the goodbye a little easier because I could have something to look forward to when he was gone. These are things that I wouldn't usually have done if he had been in the house. That’s been a healthy coping mechanism to deal with my grief rather than overeating, watching TV, or shopping.
One of the most complex parts of having him away at college is that I don't talk to him as often as I'd like. I planned to text him once a week to see how his classes were going and how his new job was going. This is also something that I can look forward to. I have better conversations with him when he is focused on simply talking to me rather than when other distractions are in the room, such as television, the computer, or work.
Although my concentrated conversation time with him would be less, I could have quality time with him when I speak with him. This allowed me to enjoy him as an adult. Instead of looking upon his adulthood with dread as it means what I would lose, I would instead focus on what I would gain: concentrated quality time with him and good healthy conversations where we can hear and respect each other's point of view.
Because he is four hours away from school, it's not easy for me to jump in the car and see him whenever I want. He has a job, school, and other obligations due to his time. But I do plan on making more time to see him each season. Because he has a place where he lives, we can stay with him and spend a little time with him. Instead of focusing on how far away he is, I focus on how I could shorten the distance and shorten the time apart. This is helpful in the moments when I miss him the most.
Fall is a great time to travel because the foliage is excellent where he lives, and we can look at it as we drive to see him. Since fall is my favorite time of year, it is something for me to look forward to where I can see fall foliage and spend time with my son.
Goodbyes become more accessible when I focus on what I have rather than what I don't have. I counted the blessings and went through old photo albums to look at as he grew up. I was blessed to be in his life for every event. It's a great blessing for a mom to be able to be there for her son and spend time with him throughout his life.
I know he will look back on those moments when he is older and be grateful that he had a mother and father who were there for him for all the major milestones in his life. Instead of being sad that those moments were over, I relished in them and remembered the good times we had together.
Even when we didn't have much money, we always found ways to have fun together. We went for walks, went to the lake, swam in the community pool, had campfires, etc. We tried to make the most of our time together since our time was limited, and as the kids got older, it was even more limited. Once the kids got jobs, we had less time than we usually spent with them. Regardless, we made the most of the moments we had.
Even if the happy memories bring you some tears, it is better to have them and relish them than not have them at all. My heart fills with joy when I get to spend time with my son, and it's not filled with regret over working too much or not being present in his life.
Goodbyes are always tricky. Whether it's the death of a loved one, a child going off to college, getting married, or even just watching them achieve a significant milestone, these critical events mark different chapters in a person's life. Whether they are sudden or whether it's expected, goodbyes always bring with them grief and sadness.
But by doing the thing above, goodbyes don’t have to be as awful as they have been in the past. Make the most of the time you have today. We are not promised tomorrow. Enjoy today as best you can. While today holds many obligations, so does tomorrow. Rearrange your schedule so you find you are spending your time wisely: with the ones you love. Focusing on what you have gained rather than lost helps saying goodbye and starting a new chapter in life so much easier.
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